Flints, before I finish reading this thread, I wanted to talk to you about something very important.
You were not meant to save your husband. It was his time. If not, you would have made it in time, called an ambulance and he would still be here. Do not think of the “what ifs?”. You are not at fault in any way for his death.
He was not to be “saved” here. His soul exists elsewhere.
Further more, your husband sees you and is with you and knows what is going on. Talk to him. Forgive yourself for whatever “fault” you have placed upon yourself, he has.
Yes, it is scary to lose our protectors. We feel vulnerable in ways that we didn’t before. I am 21 weeks in, always ran errands alone, and now feel “alone” running the same errands. Grocery shopping is awful. You pass things he loved and no longer put it in the basket. No laundry for him. The amount of morning coffee you make.
Everything, everywhere, all at once. Paperwork, decisions, stress, grief, anxiety. Yes.
All horribly normal. Pay the bills, feed yourself and the kids and rest.
Please do not mourn the future plans you thought you would do one day together. The truth is, we lost our life when our husbands died. Whatever we knew of ourselves before is now changed. We are not who we were. But, we are finding out who this new, sad person really is - step by step. Our future is not written yet and we are the authors.
The fog will last a long time. Expect it. Whatever paperwork you have to do will take 10 times longer than it should. Get to a salon and have your hair done. You can feel awful, but you don’t have to look awful too.
Somewhere around the 18/19 week mark, the fog isn’t as thick. Keep that notebook handy. Do the Rule of Fives and pat yourself on the back. It is a long, miserable haul, but we’ve all been there and we are all moving like chess pieces, but functioning.
You will too. I promise.