Those sound lovely ideas. I’ve got so many of her clothes and shoes I could start a shop! 50 pairs of jeans for a start!
Mary loved butterflies so I’ve put some metal ones up at home and in our second home in France that she bought just before she died. Butterflies are apparently linked to angels.
Several of my wife’s close friends have had purple butterfly tattoos done. She loved purple.
Flints, before I finish reading this thread, I wanted to talk to you about something very important.
You were not meant to save your husband. It was his time. If not, you would have made it in time, called an ambulance and he would still be here. Do not think of the “what ifs?”. You are not at fault in any way for his death.
He was not to be “saved” here. His soul exists elsewhere.
Further more, your husband sees you and is with you and knows what is going on. Talk to him. Forgive yourself for whatever “fault” you have placed upon yourself, he has.
Yes, it is scary to lose our protectors. We feel vulnerable in ways that we didn’t before. I am 21 weeks in, always ran errands alone, and now feel “alone” running the same errands. Grocery shopping is awful. You pass things he loved and no longer put it in the basket. No laundry for him. The amount of morning coffee you make.
Everything, everywhere, all at once. Paperwork, decisions, stress, grief, anxiety. Yes.
All horribly normal. Pay the bills, feed yourself and the kids and rest.
Please do not mourn the future plans you thought you would do one day together. The truth is, we lost our life when our husbands died. Whatever we knew of ourselves before is now changed. We are not who we were. But, we are finding out who this new, sad person really is - step by step. Our future is not written yet and we are the authors.
The fog will last a long time. Expect it. Whatever paperwork you have to do will take 10 times longer than it should. Get to a salon and have your hair done. You can feel awful, but you don’t have to look awful too.
Somewhere around the 18/19 week mark, the fog isn’t as thick. Keep that notebook handy. Do the Rule of Fives and pat yourself on the back. It is a long, miserable haul, but we’ve all been there and we are all moving like chess pieces, but functioning.
You will too. I promise.
Sorry for your loss,my husband of 46 years died suddenly in june 2024,talking to me one min,then had catastrophic bleed to brain and died 3 days later,ive known grief loosing .y mam and dad,but this is on anouther leval,i live on my own,.y 2 children are 41 and 45 and have lives of their own. My grandchildren are older now ,and dont see them so much. Its the lonlyness is killing me,i feel like ive nouthing to live for any more,i have got some great friends who i go out with on weekends, but its the comming home to an empty house gets to me,just cant cope with it
Yewtree, my suggestion would be that you select the things YOU love from your home, sell everything else and buy a new, smaller one or even a Senior Apartment. You will have to meet people and have social events. Existing in a museum of memories and times in the past is like burying yourself while alive.
New normal is anything you want it to be as you are in charge of the next chapter of your life. In the beginning, you may want to be a hermit, but at some point, you have to free yourself to live again. YOLO.
New normal must be created and you are the creator.
We all do a purge, we have to in order to regain some control of our lives. Plus, we don’t want to leave all this for our families to rummage through. Keep only the best of the things you love and get rid of everything else. You can do it five things at a time, make the decision to select 5 things that can leave the house.
Find other collectors online and sell it all.
Birds can’t fly with muddy wings
Love
Beautifully put.
Blondie, move. If your home makes you feel lonely and sad. Sell it and live smaller with YOUR favorite things. The quiet emptiness of house once full of people is much worse that the 2 bedroom flat filled with your cherished possessions.
I refuse to live in a museum of memories. It reminds me of what I lost, him and the life we had and lost. It has been so hard to remove any of my husband’s things, but the harsh reality is that my husband is never coming back. Ever.
I can’t even think about it for longer than a minute or I collapse.
Love
This is a new place,we were in the middle of moving when he died,so he never got to live hear,thank you for your thoughts
Before my wife died she was concerned more about me and our children than even herself. It hrlped her pass when she knew we were all going to be okay. 2 of our sons had houses and partners. Our youngest son was buying a flat and she made us promise to live together for awhile so we could help each other out. Once she knew this was all in place she then felt she could leave us. We’re all moving on in respect to her and her wishes that we get on with our lives. She didn’t want us to wallow in self pity, which is way too easy for all of us to do. And that’s what helps pull me through the dark times.
We never had the chance of talking about the future, unfortunately, as Mary’s death was so unexpected and sudden. She hadn’t been able to talk anyway as it crashed her blood oxygen so much - down to 65%! She could only write in a notebook, but we expected her to come through as she always had before.
I’m pleased you were able to talk, and that it helps you to cope Sly.
Thank you Nigel-Marnee. She actually took 7 weeks to die so we had opportunities to sort things out. She organised her own funeral from start to finish. She also actually reminded us that we were in a fortunate position in that we could say goodbye properly and that many others don’t get the chance. My cousin’s wife died suddenly 18 months ago and he never got the chance to say goodbye to her.
The crying is natural and something of a relief valve. I do it often enough and not always in private. I was in Lancaster yesterday and the echoes of Hazel are all over the place, and at one point i was in cafe at the Castle when it hit me.
It’s 2 months since Hazel died, she was only 61.
Lethargy and apathy are normal as is the ‘what’s the point’ thoughts. My point is Hazel left me a legacy of our family.
I’m so very sory for you and I (we) know how utterly miserable you feel. Stay strong and keep talking and you’ll hopefully find your way. Take care 
Have you come across the singer Mandi Fisher? She often posts songs on FaceBook where she has changed the words of well known songs to poignant words for those grieving loved ones. She posted one this morning that brought me to tears it was so thoughtful.
It was headed, ‘You were meant to hear this today’, and was sung to the tune ‘Hey Jude’
Hey you,
Don’t be afraid.
Just know things will get,
a little better.
I know,
right now you feel in the dark,
but soon it will start,
to get a bit brighter.
Thank you so much for your poignant words, and my condolences and love to you.
I know our lives will never be the same again and I know that there are so many sad and lonely people out there feeling just as we do.
Everything you say is right, I know I shouldn’t feel to blame, but it’s just the “what ifs” if only I had woken up earlier, maybe I could have saved him.
I know that’s not going to help me at all, but I do feel so sad that I wasn’t with him.
I know this feeling will last a long time xx
Thank you for those kind words, and I am so sorry for your loss.
I agree that the crying brings some relief, all around me are his things. His shoes, clothes, office, mementos he collected, every room is filled with the soul of him.
He was always having a joke, he worked from home, so was always here, the void resonates throughout the house.
I know it is going to be a long hard time.
I send you my heartfelt love xx
Thank you, I do feel in the dark and so scared, we chose not to live near to people after having a really bad experience with a neighbour, so I am constantly in fear of answering the door when the children are at work, I imagine all sorts of scenarios.
I retired to spend more time with him, my job has been taken, so I am in alone most days, hopefully, things will get easier, and I will regain my confidence, I know it’s going to be hard, but sometimes it just feels so hard to carry on.
Your words offer me some hope.
Love to you xx
Flints, your own words have just helped me too - much needed as I’m sitting here thinking that 4 weeks ago the hearse was coming down the driveway…
We too chose to live in the middle of nowhere, retired early to be together and, no matter how incredibly strong she was in so many ways, my Jill would have felt the same as you about being here on her own.
It’s not much, very little helps, but I can take some consolation that Jill has been spared my loss, the grief and every issue that would follow.
It will get easier ( or so people tell me) stay strong - you are tougher than you know.
PSHm3 and Flints. Being left alone, even if as I have there are plenty of family close by is still horrible and so lonely. But, I had an email conversation with a good friend recently and she said this about being the one left behind:
“God provides that only the strongest partner survives - to think of it being Mary alone without you (and you truly know she couldn’t have done) is impossible to conceive.”
She is right - Mary always said I had to go last as she couldn’t cope without me, and that I’d given her the best 40 years of her life. I take that as a massive compliment from Mary and my friend, who lost her husband 10 years ago next month. I didn’t expect it to be so soon and I am sure Mary didn’t realised just how hard it would be for me either.
And I’m crying a lot today as I’m packing all her personal items, clothes and sewing gear to take home to the UK from our house in France tomorrow. I feel like I’m erasing her from the house!
All the best. Much love. Nigel
Sylvia always told me that she wanted to go first as she knew she wouldn’t cope without me in her life. I takr comfort for the same reasons that you do…that she has been spared the utter devastation of losing her partner.
My husband always wanted me to go first as he said that he was the strong one and would be able to copy better, and he’s right.
The ironic thing is that I’ve got kidney disease and thought that I would be the one to go first, and then he gets cancer and turns my world upside down in the space of 4 weeks.
The hardest thing is waking up everyday knowing that hes not going to be here and going to sleep after a long lonely day in silence not being able to talk to him or hear his voice thats not on a video and his hugs