It’s really good you are writing here as you need all the help and support which you not only need but deserve! What you have done for Jean is tremendous and I think you have been very courageous but your sadness is so understandable.
No, you aren’t the only one who is feeling bad. I am now supporting my father as my lovely Mum died six weeks ago and they had been married for 66 years. As a result of this awful loss, I have been off work and have been here with my Dad. I also had six weeks of horrid insomnia due to anxiety and it’s been so hard.
You still must grieve and cry too and I am glad you feel supported here - there are some really decent people who want to help and exchange stories.
I hope you feel some comfort and be patient with yourself.
@john9 I’m really sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. I can speak from the perspective of your son, as I too lost my mum and I have found it enormously difficult to try to come to terms with not having her any more. This was made worse by covid rules and our end of life care plan went out the window because mum was taken to hospital. This is something I have struggled with terribly because I was not allowed to see her before she passed away. Strangely I feel guilty for not being there. Now, I would never actually say this to dad, so maybe your son has certain feelings which he is afraid might come up if he talked more about his mum. These posts make me realise that the struggle of grief is so individual and utterly heartbreaking. I hope you are keeping well today. Best wishes x
I have just read this and i really feel your pain. It must have been so hard for you not to be able to see her - how I could curse that awful pandemic but also some of the rules that went with it ( maybe I should be careful what I say).
You sound as if you really truly loved your mum and had a good relationship with her. I can just feel it as I read your post.
See your mum all around you, talk to her and just keep her memory alive and I really wish you well because you so deserve it.
You are loved xx
@Sandranista thank you for such beautiful words. Once the reality set in for me, I had a breakdown and huge relapse of anxiety which I’m still battling. In the spirit of mum( Who was ill for around 15 years) I refuse to give up. I know that mum would understand when I have a bad day with these mental health issues because she helped me in so many ways when I had my first breakdown. She is always with me in my heart and, obviously in so many memories. I have finally stopped being angry with covid because this was making me so much worse - and it tainted the memories of all the wonderful family times I’ve been very lucky to experience. I appreciate your lovely words because, sadly we are all in one stage of grief or another. I really don’t know what I expected to be like after mum passed away ( we had many years to mentally prepare) but I will always love and miss her, whilst at the same time trying to chanel mum’s zest for life when I can. I hope you are feeling well today and I send you my best wishes xx
Gosh, such echoes of my relationship with my own, now sadly passed mother. Like you, I have had some mental health issues which weren’t inherited as I was adopted. Life can be incredibly hard and you have endured setbacks which of course, your mum helped you with.
All your mother wanted was to help you and she did. Please do channel that energy, do it for her and we must try our very best to carry their spirit.
Hope your weekend is good and take lots of care xxx
I cry more often now than I ever did before.
When I was Jean’s carer I didn’t have the time to take stock of what I was doing on a daily basis. Time seemed to stand still. Now that I have more time due to her passing, my emotions are heightened. When I think about her which is every minute of every day I can get quite emotional.
Absence they say makes the heart grows fonder, I certainly don’t agree with that, for me it makes my heart weaker, anyway I don’t think it applies in bereavement.
I’m sure personally that I will never get over it. The loss as I think I mentioned before had scarred me too deeply. I feel weighed down by the past and feel unable to contribute much. The future doesn’t look appealing without Jean but I know that I must make an effort, the burden I carry is heavy. The trouble is that I cannot imagine my life long term without her.
Today is exactly one year since her funeral, so it is particularly a poignant day for me. I shall go to the Crem to pay my respects and pray. I chalk off the days on the calendar and can’t say that I have done much or achieved
much in a year or have much to show. Friends and neighbours say hello but don’t say much, because they don’t know what to say. I go to my Son and Daughter twice a week and they phone to check that I’m ok.
All in all I feel lousy, sleep badly, lack enthusiasm and have little to look forward to. I hope that my mood improves.
I’m sure though that I’m not alone in feeling like this.
Hi, i too feel the same, my Jeanie died 18 months ago and it feels very much the same now as it did then, my friends text and call all the time, Jeanies daughter is keeping an eye out for me, i am lucky as i have job that i really enjoy and my employers couldn’t have done more, i am now on holiday in the South of France for 3 weeks in “our” happy place, we have been coming here for many years and have friends we see every year, the people in the restaurant’s and bar’s have also been great, it is very hard going to and seeing all of our places without Jeanie being here, i do wish she was here, but every where i go Jeanies photo goes too, your right it does seem that i too have no future without Jeanie.
MAX74,
What you wrote, I could written and I may have written it somewhere. As much as I know that grief is personal, you and I seem to be on the same terrible path. It has been 454 days since my loving wife died and I feel worse every day and night. There is not a moment when something doesn’t remind me of my loving wife and how much I miss her more and more each day and night. As you can tell not only do I mark the time since my loving wife died but I also know exactly how long my torturous existence has been. As I have said before it seems as if I am in prison marking the days until my death finally comes. I am barely a functional person anymore, more of a zombie than anything else. There is no joy or any type of happiness any more. Sadly the only real concern anyone shows is my neighbor checks every morning to see if I am still alive and our Son is here so he knows I am still existing. Take care, John
I miss my Jean so much and after 12 months it gets no easier. I feel helpless and lost. The house feels eerily empty and too quiet. I put on the TV first thing just for some background noise and to give the effect that Jean is still here. The sensation of coming from being a loving couple to being alone is both horrible and too upsetting. My heart is full of grief and sadness. I have given the impression and other people have said to me that I am in denial. In denial that Jean will ever return and in denial that I will never ever speak, touch or hear her voice again. They are right.
I am literally heartbroken and bereft. I found it difficult to understand what the word heartbroken meant, I surely know now.
I get easily tearful and find that my emotions are heightened every day.
I also feel at the moment that I do what I have to, to get by and no more. I can’t get enthused over much to be honest. I’m caught between letting go of my old life with Jean by my side and moving forward. It’s as if there is a mental blockage there. I have surrounded myself with photos and there are so many personal things in the house that remind me constantly of her from the moment I wake up in the morning to when I try and go to sleep at night. I am always referring back to my diary which I kept as her carer and with my calendar this controls what I do with my days and when I do it. Sounds weird I know but I can’t disconnect from our old life and move forward into a new different path.
I now realise that I was lucky enough to have been married to my soul mate and the tears start to well up in my eyes.
If and when I move forward with what’s left of my life. I know that it will take a long time, if ever, I will endeavour to help the Alzheimer’s Society if I can.
Thinking of you all on this dreadful journey.
Best wishes.
MAX74
Oh Max I’m so sorry to hear that you are having a hard time right now. You were with your wife for so many years it’s going to take time for you to accept it. I know it must be really painful to come home to empty house after you have been with someone that long. It doesn’t feel like it right now but you will get through this. It’s a good thing that you are grateful that you we’re lucky enough to be married to your soulmate that is a beautiful thing. I know my situation was different than yours but I felt the same way as far as being tearful everyday hurting, things seem like they were getting worse instead of better and then one day I noticed the grief had lifted just a little but it gave me hope that it would lift a little more one day. It takes time to get over a love that you had for your husband for so many years and still have. Take care❤️
Hi everyone
Sorry been having trouble and couldn’t answer all the messages. Like all of you I struggle and can’t believe all what happens to us and just doesn’t get any better. Reading these messages makes me sad as I feel lot similar to you all.
It’s so strange were alike but nobody is the same. It will soon be my year anniversary and can’t believe a year is nearly here. We’re all so bewildered and just can’t accept it. It’s nice to read other people are like you so you know your quire normal. Stay strong x
MAX74,
Once again with very little differences, I could have written what you wrote. It is 15 months since my loving wife died and I am a total mess most of the time. I am still trying to figure out why I am still here without my loving wife, we were supposed to have many more years together. Take care, John
You’re not.
I can so empathise with these feelings you have.
I’m trying so hard to tell the world I’m coping but really I’m far from so.
I absolutely do not know what to do with myself, life is so different and so very lonely.
I come in through the front door and shout ‘I’m home, you wife is back’ and of course there’s no reply.
Friends and my children are fabulous but they can’t be here all the time and I spend so much time in the quiet and stillness of our home just alone.
If this is my life for however long then I dislike it immensely. Everyone seems in a pair where ever you look and I feel like a spare part. No one to share life with , no one to tell your inner most thoughts to or to share your joys with.
Missing Joe is so tough. There’s endless paperwork and things to sort out and I’m doing them but so very reluctantly. Surely there will be a night when I don’t cry myself to sleep or wake up feeling abjectly lost.
Keep up your strength and each day remember one special time together. That has helped me a little
Take very good care, Gill
Oh dear I do this I say bye see you later which I don’t and good morning when I get up.
Like you it’s pointless as no reply comes but I get comfort knowing I say it. Its 10months for me and not looking forward to my anniversary of my husbands death. It will come and not sure how will feel as weeks get nearer but like everyone it will come and it will pass.
We just cope as best we can but like is just so different and heartbreaking isn’t it. Good Luck to tou all xx
@Sandranista hello there. Well, actually this weekend has been fairly calm all things considered. I have started meditation every day which at first I found very hard ( sitting with my thoughts not pushing them away) but I’ve been practicing for about 6 months and I think it’s starting to " click". I went with dad to visit mum’s memorial - we go every week. I had a little chat to mum and I’ve placed a rose quartz wise owl just underneath her flowers ( she was the wise one!). I am channelling mum’s inner strength and now I feel that mum would be happy as I seem to finally be finding some peace of mind. I will think about mum every day, but not in a grieving sort of way, but remembering good times and just how lucky me and my sister were having a wonderful mother. Dad always knees down to have a private chat with mum too - I know he thinks about her all the time but his resilience is a big surprise to me. We are a very close family unit and we will always help each other where we can. I am grateful for this. I hope you are well today x
How I miss my Jean. I knew that I would be but the way I feel now after 13 months has surprised me. It was not something I ever contemplated before. I feel at times completely overwhelmed by my feelings for her. I see things, I feel things, I smell things and hear things every day to do with Jean. I have a sense of loneliness being in the house on my own surrounded by what was our life.
Yes I go out to sustain myself and go over to my Daughter and Son every week but everything else I do is trapped by my memories of the life as it was before she went into hospital. I hope that I’m making some sense to someone.
I shed tears unashamedly for her at some point every day, it could be a thought,photo,song, clothing or something innocuous as a scent would set me off and then I would go through a low period. Although Jean wasn’t certainly towards the end of her life very verbal, at least she was with me, by my side and I could talk to her, but now…….nothing.
I always thought that I would be alright on my own but now I’m not so sure. They say that Grief is personal and can last a long time. I believe it will be the latter for me.
My dear wife had a deep effect on me as you can probably tell.
I must leave it there for now as it’s getting too emotional.
Max74, you are making perfect sense, every single word you said resonates what I’m going through. I also see, smell, hear my darling husband everywhere, all around me, everything reminds me of him, even just a silly old TV programme we used to watch together, I have to just change channels or just turn off the TV.
