@MAX74 hello. I certainly don’t think you are mad. Some of the things your say are so familiar to me because I see my dad going through the same process. Personally I don’t think any amount of time will ease dad’s pain, but I live in hope that on some level he can still feel some sort of happiness. I’m probably being unrealistic here - my mum and dad were married for 57 years and I know dad’s shattered by his loss. I think it is hard for me to feel joy know on dad’s always unhappy. I don’t mean he’s miserable all the time but there’s an underlying sadness there. I feel bad ( I think) attempting to get on with life without my mother. Grief is just so much harder than I’d ever imagined. I hope that one day things feel a bit easier for you to bear x
@Debbie57 @Solost @Ang1949 @Ladysuisei @Beetango
Thank you for your kind and helpful replies.
I am reading the replies in bed with tears in my eyes. It brings it home the enormity of what we are all going through, the feeling of emptiness,immense sadness and loss.
I have had over 25 various counselling sessions, some face to face and some by phone and some in a group situation.
Has it helped? To be honest a little bit. When I started looking for counselling sessions I had to go private because the local hospice had me on a waiting list, but at the private session I felt that I was being psychoanalyzed, the hospice was better.
I have two lovely children and 4 grandchildren and I go to them twice a week, which helps, but they don’t talk about their Mum that much, I expect that they’re suffering as well. It seems to be me that starts any conversation involving their Mother.
Anyway all take care
MAX74
X
MAX74,
You are not the only one feeling the way you are. I was not online when you posted, because it was not really a good day for me. honestly I haven’t really had any good days since my loving wife died 446 days ago. Our Son really avoids talking about his Mother, and even though I mention my loving wife all of the time I think he is just afraid to make me sad. He doesn’t seem to understand how my grief works. It is good that you have family to help you in whatever way they can. I really don’t have any family and I was okay that I seemed to be welcomed into my loving wife’s family when we met 36 years ago. But since my loving wife died there has been very little contact from most of them and the one Aunt that was contacting me hasn’t for almost 8 weeks now. I am feeling worse now in every way now, physically and emotionally. I dread every morning waking all alone, but that implies that I actually slept which I do not get much and definitely not any restful sleep. I wonder why I am still here and how much longer my broken brain and broken heart and broken body can keep going. Not sure if this is really helpful but this is what I am going through and I am still in the middle of legal issues too so there is that also. Take care, John
Than you for your comments. I do feel for you and I’m sorry that you weren’t feeling well,
My Son and Daughter are also reluctant to talk about their Mum, I agree that it’s probably because they don’t want to upset me and yet I would rather shed tears talking about Jean than total silence about her.
I haven’t got any answers for you or wave a magic wand because I’m floundering in a sea of grief myself but they say that the grief circle as they call it gets smaller but doesn’t leave us completely.
I share with you your grief and wish you all the very best.
We have more in common than you realise because my first name is John but I use part of my surname when posting.
Anyway take care
MAX74
MAX74,
Thank you for the support and the comments. I can only hope that what you say is true, if I have to continue with this grief. But so far to me the grief circle doesn’t seem any smaller or less painful. I agree that I would rather talk about my loving wife and shed tears with someone than to shed tears all alone feeling as if nobody cares that she died. It is one of the many things that keeps going through my broken brain all of the time. Loneliness is a terrible part of this grieving process. Take care, John
No dear you’re not alone. It took me 5 years to get over the lost of our son. It was just 3 months that I felt I was recovering but just 9 days later of that 5 years and 3 months, I’ve now lost my husband of 36 years. I have a good idea, although every situation is slightly different, of why you feel that way!
CDB,
I am sorry for your losses. And I agree that every situation is different, grief is personal because we all are different. I had always said that every thing that happened in our life made us who we are and that will also affect our grieving. Take care, John
you are being completely normal.
one year is nothing.
You most certainly are not, i lost myJeanie eighteen months ago, i still feel the same now as i did then, i still have Jeanies toothbrush etc in the bathroom cabinet, all of Jeanies clothes are in her wardrobes, make up still in her dresser, i still do things for two, my every sleeping and waking hours are with her.
Hi all
You write straight from your hearts and I find your comments and truthful revelations so helpful.
5 months to the day in the life of abject grief, I feel dreadful.
I dislike the person I have become, so sad, angry, lifeless and despondent. Joe didn’t leave this person, he left a happy, loving wife.
I wonder constantly if this will ever improve.
I have a fabulous family but spend so many hours alone and feel so lonely.
Joe remains firmly in my head and heart, I miss him with every breath I take.
Thank you for the support you give so freely xxx
GillB1,
I am sorry for your loss. I agree with your statement, my loving wife didn’t leave the person I am now. I am not the person I was and I will never be that person again. My loving wife and I were a team and now I am all alone in everything I do or don’t do. I have no desire to really do anything, except what I absolutely have to do. It is 449 days for me and so far it is no easier for me. Take care, John
Reading some of your comments on here has been heart wrenching.
They say it’s good to talk so here goes.
Listening to my late wife Jean’s voice(I hate saying late) , is like having a nice warm blanket round you on a cold night, it’s so comforting, but the feeling unfortunately is short lived. before reality sets in. Jean is who I think of first thing in the morning and last thing at night and I think that will remain for the rest of the life I have left.
The enormity of losing your wife/partner especially after 51 years of marriage is indescribable and will scar me for ever.
How some people cope, I don’t know but they seem to, all I know is that I try and do the best I can, if not for myself then for Jean.
I sleep with difficulty not as in the past and get up fearing another day without her.
There are times when I say to myself - I can’t go on like this - but somehow I do.
When I look at her photos I still cannot believe that she has gone, never to return.
I caught sight the other day of lyrics from a song which appropriately describes how I feel:
“Tell me , how am I supposed to live without you?
Now that I’ve been loving you so long
How am I supposed to live without you
And how am I supposed to carry on?
When all that I’ve been livin’ for is gone”
It gives me an awful empty and very emotional feeling, not just for the loss of my wife being by my side every day but a sense of loss and hopelessness. The feeling is hard to put into words.
I’m sorry if I sound a bit down today and I hope that my mood will improve. I hope it gets better because I can’t face years of this.
With a heavy heart I send you all my love and take care
MAX74
MAX74,
I am sorry that you feel like this, and I am sorry any of us feel like this. For me music was always a distraction from my over active brain, now my brain is broken from grief and music triggers me more often then not. I was with my loving wife for 35 years and there were many songs, but I have noticed now that song that have been released since my loving wife seem to hit hard too. Many deal with loss and Heaven and missing and all of the things I/we are dealing with. I too wonder how I make it through each long and lonely day and night and like you with Jean, I think of my loving wife all of the time. I wake many times during the night and think of her and then when I am finally up for the day I think of her and many things remind me of her throughout the day and then as I cry myself to sleep at night I am thinking of her. take care, John
@john9 and @MAX74 hello. I have Read some of your words tonight and the one thing that stood out was the fact that neither of you have open conversations with your children about their mum. At first, I was quite cautious talking about mum to my dad in case it upset him, but I was wrong and it didn’t. In fact I speak to dad twice a day and see him around 3 times in a week - I would say that most days we manage to bring mum into our conversation. Not necessarily in a grieving way, in fact we remember some really funny times too. It makes me feel safe I suppose being able to chat to dad quite freely about mum. We all miss her dreadfully but we were so lucky to have had her in the first place. Sending you both my best wishes x
Ladysuisei,
I have tried to speak to our Son about my loving wife, and he avoids the topic. I mention her to him everyday and I always try to get him to open up but he doesn’t want to. I don’t push him because I am afraid if I do, he will move out and then I will be totally alone. As it is I barely see him even though he lives with me. He has a job and he has his friends and that is fine. But it is and always will be his choice to talk when he is ready, but as I said I about my loving wife. Take care, John
Morning all , I’ve just read through all of this thread. Heartbroken folk who never wanted to be here .
My Mandy died last Tuesday after 12 months of hell with bladder cancer . She left me many notes to pass onto our wonderful friends which I will soon . The overwhelming tone though is just how much she loved me , I knew she did just not this much . She had so much suffering yet all she could think about in her days at the hospice were how I would cope .
She made a Tik Tok diary which mean I can forever see her and hear her . Mandynic1 for those who want to see her journey .
So I have found myself here . Why? I’ve noticed a change in me after just 6 days ….fear, fear of everything around me , fear of no more Mandy , fear that she has found out I gambled a bit too much and she now doesn’t like me . Fear at the things I do wrong and she’s watching .
She has wrote down that she wants me to move on and in time WANTS me to share my life again with another woman .
I can’t even contemplate any of that but I know I’ve been in two relationships totalling 33 years , I’m 54 and I’ve known no part of my adult life, except briefly, that I’ve been alone .
We have a son from her previous life who will be my son now , he has Asperger and gives me very little back but I know I promised Mandy I’d be there for him .
So what am I initially doing wrong?
I’m planning things too much , I’m worrying about finances too much. Her sister has been with me for the last 10 days and has been my rock , she was with me all the last few weeks in the hospice.
However she shows no emotion , no grief, yet of course she’s hurting, she just can’t show it .
I suggested a holiday for us both and her daughter in September to just get away from everything, great they said and we started to plan it but yesterday she said they both just can’t do it and it hurt me a bit , like they are starting to pull back from me . I fear I’m going to lose her family in time , they say I won’t but I’ve just a feeling I will.
Or maybe it’s because we let them drift? We let them pull away ? Is this part of our problems we just focus totally on the grief that we forget the need to see and be with others who are hurting in their own way ?
This is a forum I never wanted, yet I’m here , it’s good to talk , it’s difficult to just think.
I’m Glen 54 from Blyth , I’m gutted, I’m still alive though.
Sorry just needed to add , Mandy and I got married 3 years ago and I’d been with her for 13.5 years .
She was my reason for everything as you all have said and at this very moment I’m doing all the things previous posters are doing .i also have 2 sons of my own who are wonderful and a group of incredible friends who will be with me forever if I want them . My friends are amazing .
I’ve just been reading all your sad heartbreaking posts here, having been up since 5am yet again.
Glenn54, your loss is so recent, I understand the shock and disbelief you’re going through right now, my heart goes out to you. The answer to your question is yes, I think we are so closed up in our own grief that we practically ignore our families who are also grieving and not only want to support us but need our comfort and support too.
John9 and Max74, I’m still going through the same situation, unable to speak openly to my two grownup children about their devoted dad, as if we are terrified that it would just bring on a too much pain, a huge tragedy that has suddenly, unexpectedly come upon us, turning our lives upside down, from one day to another.
Solost
My son doesn’t feel love or much emotionally, he can’t it’s his condition but I’m keeping a close eye on him .I’ve been with him since he was 6 , he sees me as his dad in his own way .
I’ve promised to talk to him, ask him every day how he’s feeling .
I’m dreading her sister going back home tomorrow but in a way it will be part of the healing process, we must all try to heal , never forget or miss them but just focus on the folk who NEED you and be a great person for the memory of your partner/spouse .
The fact Mandy wants me to feel ok to move on in time when I’m ready was a great solace , my friends know she wants that . The incredible feelings I’ve got now make that seem impossible but the overriding thing I must not let happen is to lose my family and friends .
I can’t bring her back but she’d not want me to be so sad forever , it’s what SHE wanted , don’t be sad so I will try to make that happen , like all the other stuff she wanted doing around the house we love by the sea.
The focus in time will be me , I’m determined not to regress into myself .
Your wife has been so thoughtful and generous to you to leave her wishes in writing. This should bring you comfort in time. I wish I’d had the opportunity to discuss the future with my husband but he died suddenly and as he was only 55 we felt no need to discuss how I would cope by myself.
I understand your fear of losing your wife’s family but if you treat them like your own family and keep regular contact with them I would think this is unlikely. Your sister in law must care a lot about you to have stayed with you during this difficult early stages.
Don’t expect too much of yourself, it’s so early for you. Just keep going and getting through the days.