Sorry, I cut off my message by mistake. I just wanted to add that I understand exactly how you feel, I thought I was going mad and sharing my thoughts with you all here has made me realise that this is all normal when being suddenly hit by such a tragic loss of a loved one. I keep saying that I am ‘surviving’, not ‘living’. It’s the best I can do,for now.
Take care and wishing you peace and comfort.
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Hi Max. Your comments just show how many of us suffer in the same way. Lost my partner after being together for 28 years 8 months ago. I too am now living alone and thought that I would be fine and although I’m quite capable of looking after myself it’s being lonely that’s the worst thing. I’m retired so have a lot of time on my hands and most of the time can manage to amuse myself during the day but it’s the evenings when I’m just left alone that I hate the most. As to being reminded and getting upset the same things as you cause me to cry at least once a day. Somebody on the tv will say something that she used to say or something will make me remember the hand signals she used to do like making a T with her fingers when she wanted tea as she’d lost her speech. Lately being in the supermarket has upset me when I see some of the products she liked that I used to get for her. I’ve had to come out the store on more than one occasion to compose myself. I’m afraid the last thing I wanted, although I would have appreciated their concern, was someone asking me if I was ok. My best wishes to you. Peter.
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Hello Peter
I thought I was coping OK but I feel chewed at the minute which is affecting me mentally and health wise.
It’s 11 months for me now and like you it’s evenings and weekends are difficult. I’m lucky have lot family and friends but it’s not the same as your partner. I was with my husband 53 years so a lifetime really and its the little things isn’t it. Somebody to share conversation with eat or just watch TV with.
Best look Peter and hope you get some calm and feel stronger to cope as I except the pain may dull but won’t go away. Take are x
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So sorry for your loss. My heart aches as I read these posts because I know exactly how you all feel.
Like you I never really knew what grief was, I lost my father 2 years ago and that was devastating, but loosing my husband of almost 40 years has nearly destroyed me.
Stuart was only diagnosed with cancer on 8th May, and he passed away on 13th June. I really would prefer to be with him, rather than suffer this pain.
As others have said, I feel like an empty shell, and I feel alone in a room full of people. I have a large loving family and have lots of support, but this terrible empty feeling is all consuming. I feel like I will never get any pleasure from anything again.
Ann
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Ann that’s was quick like myself he was only ill 3haf weeks in hospital. Tragic couldn’t visit with covid and he was to ill to zoom or phone. I’m like you a empty vessel. I always was excitable but always flat nothing thrills me anymore. I love my family there all so good but it’s not my husband. Also he was so handy coukd mend or do anything have to do myself now and some things I never know were to start. We will always be on here gor support xx
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Thank you Ang, hope we can all heal soon. Know it will never be the same again, but maybe hope for some peace xx
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MAX74,
I once again am in complete agreement with what you have said. My loving wife was my whole world and I am completely lost without her here with me. We were together for over half of our lives and we believed we would be together until we were old and died together. I dread each and every day without her because my loving wife was my only reason to exist. Take care, John
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Yes some peace but the thoughts of him all this time later is so painful. Its nice to check in now and again as everybody hurts differently but were all grieving xxx. Keep going everyone xx
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It has taken me a couple of days to pick up the courage to respond.
How can I reply to people that are like minded and in a similar situation. Basically I’m finding it particularly hard and I don’t have the right answers that we all need and are yearning for, and that’s the truth. What is happening to us is called “LIFE “ and I hate it at the moment. The way it has turned out, not just for me but for all fellow people posting their comments on here suffering with their grief, is laid bare for all of us to see. The way I feel and I’m sure that this applies to most of you is indescribable. After 51 years. and 251 days of married life, I suppose that it is no surprise that I feel as I do.
I experience guilt and I don’t know why, perhaps it’s because I wish that this situation had been the other way round.
My god how I miss Jean my soulmate and best friend. I cannot begin to explain how I feel at her loss. No one can realise what it is like to lose a loved one unless you are in that persons situation. It’s not just that you have lost the love of your life with their ways or that you are now alone and lonely and feel lost or that you have to face other people and bare the heavy load called carrying on without someone, it’s not just one of these things………it’s all of these things and more.
I’m afraid I don’t have the answers. I wish that I did and perhaps my life what’s left of it, will be a bit less of a struggle and less of a heartache than it is now.
All I can do is send my love and best wishes to @Solost @peterj @Ang1949 @Otoolea @john9 and everybody else.
My heart goes out to you all.
Look after yourselves, please.
Best wishes
MAX74
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MAX74,
I was trying to explain something along these lines the other night when my loving wife’s Cousin called me. Sadly for me this hasn’t been any kind of life since my loving wife died, it is an existence that I am hating every day and every night. We all understand that grief is personal and nobody will experience it the same. For me all of the various things I experienced in my/our life is a major part of my now endless grief. As I have said before it is terrible that my loving wife died so suddenly and unexpectedly and so young BUT there have also been so many other bad things that have just kept dragging me further and further into a pit of despair. I manage to get up everyday but there really is nothing for me to look forward to. My life ended when my loving wife died because she was the only reason for me to even want to be here. I hate that anyone has to suffer in any way through all of this but to me it does show just how much we did and still do LOVE them so much. Take care, John
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The loss of my Jean makes me want to cry for ever and I feel like dropping to my knees in despair. How other people in similar situations cope I would really like to know, because I’m not handling it very well.
Every way I turn I seem to think of her and I get very emotional. After 13 months or so, my thoughts and memories of her are vivid and still in the forefront of my mind every minute of the day. and I pretend that I’m moving on but I’m not really, it’s a delusion. As somebody pointed out to me the other day “ You think that she’s still here - don’t you”, I must admit that I do.
I live my life now to the same daily routine as I did before she passed away, when I was Jean’s carer. Although being single now, I should be able to do what I want and when I want to, and yet I stick to the same routine as before Jean died because I suppose somehow it’s a form of not letting go and a comfort and a way of not facing up to reality.
I’m a psychiatrist delight. I have her clothes as she always left them, I can’t throw anything away that she touched or was hers. I stick to the same daily routine as and when there were two of us.
We were married for nearly 52 years and I have lots of good memories but also a lot of painful ones particularly when I recall the last few years of her declining health. I try and interact with people but find it difficult sometimes. There are times when I want to talk to people about Jean, but I hold back not wishing to upset them or me and other times they ask how I am but I say “Not too bad thank you” and don’t really tell them how I feel in reality not wishing to upset them.
I basically live day to day now as I did in the past with Jean.
I always thought that I would be alright on m own, but how wrong was I.
There is little meaning to life now and it’s only our Son and Daughter and families which keep me going.
Thinking of you all in these difficult days.
MAX74
x
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Oh Max I’m so sorry your feeling so low. You mention the time you’ve been on your own but that isn’t long. We are all on our own journey and time just passes at pace you want it too.
I was with my husband 53years and its coming up soon to a year. Its so hard some days I’m ok others it’s awful. I also look at Alan’s face and can’t believe I won’t see him again. We have to find our own way to cope it’s tough and I try to cope as best I can. Wishing you luck Max but don’t put to much on yourself just take each day
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Max, you have put down into words exactly what I have trouble expressing myself. I feel all you’re feeling, I also get through my day as if my husband is still here. It’s been 19 months for me now, but I’m not counting, for me it’s like it’s just happened. I just cannot come to terms with the fact that my lifelong partner, sharing everything together, being ‘one person’, just doesn’t exist anymore. He was only 57,so much to live for still, was torn away from us so suddenly, unexpectedly. How can that be? Luckily I also have my two grownup kids to give me a reason to go on and protect my sanity.
Hoping you find peace and comfort soon, your special memories with your wife and your family will give you strength. Sharing our thoughts here where everyone can relate will also give us all the support and solace we need.
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MAX74,
Sadly once again I completely understand what you have written. Our Son lives with me, however I very seldom see him. I feel as if I am just filling time until I am allowed to die. I dread each and every morning waking from another terrible painful restless night all alone without my loving wife beside me nudging me because I was snoring. I have no purpose anymore because as I have stated before, I was a caregiver for my friend for 12 years before he died and also for MIL for 5 years before she died. I have lost so much in the last 2 years that there is no real reason for me to be here. I am here as if I am being punished or tortured for something that I have done. All of the loneliness is so hard and each and every day and every night is worse than the ones before. It has been 471 days of pure Hell since my loving wife died and the only positives are that my loving wife never had to suffer this pain and that each day is one closer to the day it will end for me whenever that is. Take care, John
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Solost,
I am sorry that any of us have to go through this. I am also sorry that you lost your Husband at such a young age. My loving wife was 53 when she died and it was way too young and too sudden and unexpected as well. We were together for 35 years over half of my life, and almost two-thirds of hers. I am completely lost without her. I dread this existence so much and I don’t want to be here, but I get up every morning and swear because I am all alone still and still here. I am like a zombie barely functioning because there is really nothing to keep me going except the things that I absolutely must do. There is no joy, no pleasure, no happiness anymore and I don’t believe there ever will be for me again. I hope that there is a way forward for many but for me it doesn’t seem it will happen. My loving wife was my soulmate, my whole world, my everything, she was my best friend and my only true love and I am nothing without her. Take care, John
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Hi John9 thank you for your kind words. My heart goes out to you, so sorry you lost your beloved wife, and at such a young age, too. II relate to everything you said, I did manage a smile when you mentioned missing her nudging you during the night. When my darling husband left this world, I was also left with the difficulty of looking after my mother in law, she was also suffering from dementia, and if that wasn’t enough, she fell and broke her thighbone
She had surgery but was bedridden after for a month and refused to cooperate with the physiotherapist to rehabilitate and get walking again. My daughter and I just couldnt handle all this alone (my son was working at the time)
So the only way to get her to agree to rehabilitation was to send her to a special centre, in fact soon after, she started walking again, but eleven months after losing my husband, she passed away too.
I know what you mean when you say you feel like a zombie, I’ve used that word too. I seem to have an identity crisis, don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve also spent all my adult life with my soulmate, that expression “my other half” is so true, I do honestly feel like a ‘half person’ now. j
My role as a wife has gone, thankfully I have my mother role and daughter role too, but I don’t feel the same as before, I feel guilty about how I’ve changed, become a robot person without any emotions, always brooding and lost in thoughts, unable to give the best of myself to my loved ones. Just miss him so much.
All the best to you, hoping you find solace in sharing your thoughts here, we all know what each and every one of us is going through.
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Sorry for everyone’s loss and the pain of carrying on. I’m the same getting up every day with no real purpose. Carole died 17th August last year and my brother 2 weeks later ,she too was my soul mate ,best friend and we were married for 42 years. It’s like living in fog not knowing what I should do or want to do.
All the best to everyone.
John
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Ang1949 and Solost
Thank you for your kind words.
Somebody sent me this today:
I think it’s very true
Take care
MAX74
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Yes, so true.
Take care of yourself, too.
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Solost,
I feel that I am less than half of the person I was. When my loving wife and I were a couple WE were 100% and when she died she took her 50% and 50% of me as well as my broken heart with her. So I feel as if I am only 25% of what I was as a couple. Not sure if the math works for you but that is how I feel. I am just so lost all of the time and my emotions are all over the place but I am never happy. Take care, John
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