Dear John9,
I am so sorry that you are raw and hurting…I wish I could comfort…
I know that feeling of nothing left of the ‘me’ that was; who is that now.?.. I was enriched by my Gordon and feel as if I was made a better, more balanced and principled person through his loving me and my loving him…
We wander through each day in a fog… The light that was in the corner on the armchair has gone…
Where now? We wake up in the mornings and do the routine chores… I read the poem ‘if tomorrow never comes’ on YouTube and have a good cry and then give my little dog her breakfast; she looks for him too…
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Beetango,
Thank you. As the saying goes, therein lies part of the problem. My loving wife and I had many cats and dogs in our 35 years together, we lost 2 of the dogs just prior to my loving wife’s death and I lost the last one just after her death. I have had so many different deaths in the last 2 years it is just so overwhelming. And the only real comfort I receive is here in these online forums with people who at least somewhat understand my pain. Take care, John
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Dear John,
the heart has many rooms and our furries give us so much love and open us up to give more love. You and your dear wife shared all this love’; how marvelous… Some people never know this… I loved my husband for fifty years and we were married for forty-seven… I do not know how to go on without him but tomorrow will come… Take heart … Big hug… xx
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Yes John, your mathematics describe perfectly these feelings we’re going through. I remember I hated Maths during my school days, and in adult life I’ve come to realise that it’s present everywhere in our lives. I may sound crazy but I get through my day imagining my beloved husband is still here, I just can’t see him, I’m still stuck in the denial and disbelief phase. Other times, I find myself disconnecting my brain and refusing to think, creating a wall in my mind and refusing to face this devastating reality. Obviously I suddenly come out of this trance with a huge thump, end up breaking down, crying out for him, “where are you?, you can’t just not exist anymore?”. But I get no answers.
Hoping you have a peaceful day. I agree, sharing our thoughts all together here does give us strength to carry on.
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Hi Beetango, so sorry for your loss, I know exactly what you mean about your soulmate having made you a better person. I feel as if my whole self has been taken away from me, my humanity, my soul, all those emotions that we usually go through (happiness, enthusiasm, excitement, laughter, thankfulness… The list is endless) just don’t exist anymore. I have my two grownup kids living with me and they give me strength, but I feel so guilty because I’ve changed in a negative way, feel like a horrible intolerant, irrational person. I still have my parents, in their 80s,and I’m always moaning and snapping at them for silly reasons.
I hope letting out your feelings here also gives you comfort and helps you get through your day.
Take care.
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If and when I sleep or just doze off in bed or in a chair and I open my eyes and turn to look for Jean my heart sinks at finding that she’s no longer there. It’s like torture. The comfort and joy I used to get from knowing that we were a couple has sadly gone.
Now I have thoughts but nobody to share them with. As I think I mentioned before, I always believed that I would be ok on my own but now I know that it was wishful thinking. All I am able to do is play and listen to Jean’s voice over and over again. Somehow this keeps me going and gives me a lift.
Now I have to try and get out of the habit of not bothering to do things and putting things off. I’ve got into a custom now of saying and thinking there’s no point in doing this or that. I’m afraid that now Jean’s gone my desire to do most things has also gone.
Today being Thursday I have been to the Crem and put fresh flowers on Jean’s Memorial. I feel that I must go there but get very upset when I’m there. I often think I wish that it was me and not her. I go home and the rest of the day is a bit of a daze.There has been mention in the responses about Soulmates, I would like to share with you a poem which I read every week.
I apologise if I go on a bit but feel it helps me to put down what is on my mind. I think that I would have gone mad if I couldn’t share my feelings.
Thinking of you all
MAX74
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MAX74,
I fully agree with the last part you wrote. I have stated that if not for these online grief forums, I don’t know what I would have done. I am sorry anyone has gone through this grief, but only someone who has will ever understand. The poem is so true and yet it still doesn’t quite capture how much of a soulmate my loving wife was to me. Each day and night is so hard, more so as each new one comes, and yet each is not really new. It is the same pain and suffering and it seems forever (474 days) since I last was able to hug and kiss my loving wife and even though I know I will never forget her I am afraid of it at the same time. I just want all of this to end and if I am allowed to be with my loving wife then I want that. If I am not allowed to be with my loving wife, then that HELL can’t be much worse than the one I am in now. Take care, John
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Dear John,
Yes, on the forum we can say how we feel without someone wanting to fix it or being embarrassed by our grief…
Perhaps you would listen to the Nathan Carter song ‘Don’t know lonely’ on you tube… this captures what we have known and look for now…
This is too hard… Our time will come to be with them and then what joy! Big hug…xx
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@MAX74 thank you so much for sharing that poem. And please do carry on putting things on here, I feel it really helps me too. I hope you’re okay.
@john9 you’re so right that only going through this yourself can you truly understand the pain someone feel, it’s the worst feeling ever.
@Beetango thank you, I’ll have a listen to that now too!
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Can someone tell me please what do I do now ?
My Jean was I emphasise my whole world.
I feel lost , very very lost, and my life feels empty without her now.
There is no instruction manual.
I do believe that the second year is proving to be harder for me than the first. In the first year I was in shock and I couldn’t take the events all in, plus there were lots of things to sort out. Now in the beginning of the second year I feel more acutely alone and isolated and miss my dear wife more than ever. The house feels empty and eerily quiet. No sounds, no laughter, no conversation but plenty of tears and I find it hard because all I have are my own thoughts and they can be depressing. Part of the problem is that other people, neighbours and family members are doing their normal things, living their normal lives but I’m not and can’t.
I still suffer with my grief and can’t see an end to it.
The tears come to me suddenly and sometimes unexpectedly, today I happened to come across a bag of her medications and I couldn’t hold it in. I just wept.
The one person that I cherish the most has gone. I can’t begin to describe how that feels and I know that other people not in our situation cannot begin to know how I and others are feeling.
With the love of my life gone and the life of my love gone.
I would swap places with Jean in a heartbeat because I owe her everything.
I hope that I partially repaid her by caring for her in her last years.
I look at Jean’s photos through tear filled eyes and sigh. My Son and Daughter try and include me in things for which I am grateful, and yet I still feel isolated. The fact that Jean is not by my side makes it all the more painful.
How can I be expected to get over nearly 52 years of wedded bliss fairly quickly, I can’t contemplate it.
I don’t think I ever will.
Thank you @Djwg24 for your comments. My thoughts are with you.
Take care
MAX74
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MAX74,
Again, I am in full agreement with what you say and the only real difference is the details. I was only with my loving wife for 35 years and I never got the chance to take care of her like I did for my friend and her Mother. But I am at 481 days of pure Hell and torture, being all alone without my soulmate, my best friend, my whole world, my lover, my everything and the only reason I really ever wanted to be in this miserable world. I have no purpose anymore and I dread every morning when I awake and have to face another long day all alone. My loving wife and I were okay being a couple who did everything together and had no real friends and her family was not as close as she would have liked since her Grandparents died in 2007. But we close to one of my loving wife’s Aunts and now she has been able to move forward I guess because even though she helped me at first I haven’t heard from her in months now. So I am mostly all alone all of the time and even though our Son lives with me, I don’t really see or get to talk to him. He has his job and his friends and his own life which is good because he hopefully will be okay when I finally die from this broken heart, broken brain and broken body. I will keep going as long as I have to, but it is so hard being all alone because I didn’t choose this lonely existence and I hate it so much. Take care, John
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Hi Max
I’m so sorry you are feeling as you are. I don’t think anyone should expect you to ‘ get over your loss’ after such a long time together. I was with Ian for over 40 years and it’s been just over a year for me now since he passed away. To me, it seems like only yesterday that this nightmare began.
Ian is always in my thoughts and I still message him twice a day, telling him what I’ve been doing or how much I miss him. The house is just as he left it although I spend as much time away from it as I can.
I don’t cry as much now, but my sadness, loneliness and sense of heartbreak is deeper and more profound. I still take each day as it comes as that is the only way I can cope. As to the future, who knows………
Sorry, I’m not a lot of help really except to say that you are not alone in feeling as you are as so many of us feel the same.
Take care,
X Julie
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Hi Julie
It’s nearly a year for me now since I lost my husband and I miss him so much but do things and keep busy every day.
I’m doing so much in my garden as I need to keep as nice for to please my hubby. Life is so different now on my own and without my husband. We have to deal with it as best we can and stay happy and strong xx
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You right @MAX74, the second year is harder than the first. I though I was doing okay but since the first anniversary it’s been harder.
I was talking to a lady from Cruse today, she said the first year is practical things and you are still in shock, the second year realisation begins to set in.
Because I had spent several years caring for Doug as well as working and keeping the home going, she said I was suffering from exhaustion and told me to spend more time caring for myself and stop worrying about things that are not important.
She described grief as a mountain of love that has been built up over the years, and it’s a hard mountain to climb. But one day you will reach the top and see the sun shining.
I not heard that analogy before, I suppose it’s the same as seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
She told me, even years into the future there is always going to be sad days but you learn to cope with them better and never be afraid of tears, they are tears of the love you had and that will be with you forever.
I don’t think there is any easy answer.
Sending love
Debbie X
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Thank you @Debbie57 @Ang1949 and @john9 for your comments and describing the grief and emotions you are all going through. There are no adequate words to describe what all or some of you and I are experiencing.
All I can say is I appreciate your words and the personal grief you are going through.
Take care
MAX74
x
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Hi all I feel the same the description are exactly how I feel. nearly a year for me ,we were married 42 years I try to do things through the days but most things are not of interest and the afternoons and evenings are spent alone with my memories. I know it’s early on in the bereavement but can’t seem to think how to make life worth living, carole would be mad/sad to see me only coping on the surface she would want me to try to plan a different future than expected.
This grief thing is horrible.
Everyone take care and do the best you can
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Does life ever feel worth living though once you’ve lost the love of your life, sure you may have the odd friend that doesn’t understand how you feel or maybe a few family members you try and stay strong for but deep down your screaming you want it to all be over.
Unlike you guys and don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t want to be in any of your shoes feeling the way you do… But I came on here like everyone else crying out for help, feeling life wasn’t worth living and feeling alone… And reached out to a few people who had a interest in me and my story, one woman in particular and after 7 months of chatting and reaching over 20, 000 messages to each other we finally met up and it was and has been truly amazing.
Having a widow in your life like yourself, someone who understands you pain, someone to talk with about your lost loves… I have no idea where I’d be without this amazing woman… We certainly didn’t set out to fall in love again and neither of us ever thought it possible.
That said it doesn’t have to be that way for everyone, I get some people think it’s disloyal etc to find a new person and for them people what’s stopping you finding widows close to you and meeting up for a coffee a walk along a beach, sharing stories finding time to do it more regularly.
So many widows just hide behind a screen pouring their hearts out and the minute they log off feel just as shit as they did before logging on.
Humans desire human interactions, we’re not made to be alone, so why not find a few people on here you feel you get on with and take a time out and visit, meet half way, rent a hotel room go for a meal a drink in the pub it doesn’t matter as long as you’re not alone… That’s just my penny’s worth…
I do wish you all the strength to get through your pain or at least learn to cope… Because if you’re not living your life then what’s the point of it all 
Love to you all… 
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TERRIFIC!!! THE BEST STORY I EVER HEARD ON HERE.
I KNOW SEVERAL COUPLES IN LATE AGE WHO MET AND MARRIED. NEVER GIVE UP ON COMPANIONSHIP IN YOUR LIFE.
MOST PEOPLE DO NOT REALLY LIKE BEING ALONE.
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Human interaction in real life or even online would be nice! It doesn’t need to be romantic just someone else to talk to who understood what you’re going through.
The Pandemic hit just as hubby and I were recovering from the loss of our son. We’d just moved to a new house and together we planned the interior decoration.
As we were coming out of it and things began to look up, we were planning things from this July. And out of the blue, hubby’s gone!
It’s no fun to hear people say that his pension’s now gone and that you’ll not see it until you reach 66 years of age and provided you’re still single widow. Only then are you going to be able to get it.
I’m an indie author, if I don’t get seen online, nobody knows that I’m a writer with books.
As a widow, not many knows that I’m here by myself mourning the loss of the love of my life and feeling lost and alone.
Long story short, it would be nice to have someone to talk to, who knows what it feels like! Sorry for the rant, thanks for reading.
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