Hi
Feel free to write on this forum, we on here know how aweful this whole journey is,
Xx
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Hi CDB.
I’m so sorry for your losses. To lose your son and then your husband. How incredibly awful. I lost my partner last Oct. to cancer. We were both divorced so it was second time round for both of us but we were together for 28 years. We didn’t have children either together or from our previous relationships. I’m retired so now living in a small flat by myself. I have her brother and his family fairly close by and my one great friend who visits me regularly. I’ve moved to a new town and don’t know anyone so most of the time I’m just by myself and I can’t deny it does get lonely.
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Hi just write your thought on here to let us know how your feeling
. Sorry your alone as we all are on here but each with there own story.
I’m coming up to first anniversary of losing my husband and still can’t believe it. I’ve been told 2nd year is worse so nothing to look forward to either xxx:heart:
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I know that everyone on here understands every post in the way that some one who hasn’t lost their partner could never really understand. The first year of my loss will be in Oct. I don’t think I’ll every stop grieving in one form or another. The tears come at all odd times sometimes over the oddest memories. Little things that you’d think would have no consequence. Never mind my one consolation, if that’s what you can call it, is that everyone on here knows what I’m talking about. Best wishes.
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Thanks! You’re correct, the feelings of loss never really go away. There’s plenty of occasions where you’ll say to yourself, “Oh I wonder, if he/she would like that!”
The fence painting outside we were going to do together. The picnics by the waterfront. At least daughter as found her lost love. They’re back together again, so I’m glad she has someone else to talk to.
Since I had to give up twitter, I haven’t heard a peep from my fundraising page online. I’ve began creating my free website on the day he died. So I’ve out that on hold. I decided to give hubby three months to remember, reclaim expenses, which I did, changed local store and now I’m saving between 25-35£ every shop, so that’s amazing. I’ve a bunch of forms to fill in, in particular my driver’s license which as many others were lost during the Pandemic. But I’m wondering still about applying for a British Passport.
Anyone can help on that, I’d appreciate. I’ve been here nearly 25 years but the website says I can no longer as my spouse has died. I don’t know what to do All I’ve got is my old one with my ILR in it. If you’ve got suggestions, please do so? Thanks!
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Hi CDB,
not sure if you know, I only found out by accident. There is a bereaved support fund run through the www.gov.uk. There are varying amounts you can claim,
obviously it won’t help emotionally but it can help with money issues.
I have just applied and am waiting to hear back.
Best wishes
Joe x
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It is exactly 14 calendar months to the day since my beloved Jean passed away in Hospital with severe Alzheimer’s Disease and frailty.
How do I feel now ?
In a few words, LOST, HEARTBROKEN and I am still beyond DEVASTATED. I feel a broken man, broken by my loss. Although I’m here, at times I feel detached from daily life, I still get tearful very easily, but mainly on my own indoors.
Being very happily married for nearly 52 years, I cannot adequately put into words how I felt when I took that catastrophic phone call from the hospital and what the last 14 months have meant to me.
The loss of Jean has left a massive hole in my heart and in my life, which will be impossible to fill. I feel as if I have got a life sentence without Jean. I have said and I repeat that I would have wanted to pass away with her, why ? Well because the future looks less than appealing without her by my side and less meaningful. I used to think that I would be alright on my own , although I’m not an outgoing character. a bit shy even, that it’s only being married to Jean and certainly over the last few years when I was her sole carer, that I became a more confident and outgoing person. I had to be.
Nothing or nobody can replicate the love we had. Marriage for me was a one time only affair. I thank my lucky stars for the life we had and now all I have are memories to fall back on.
The problem I have now is that I try and keep Jean’s memory alive by doing things which could seem odd to some people, and to some might even raise an eyebrow.
I feel compelled to carry on as if Jean were still with us. For instance her clothes are still in place ie Jacket on chair, trousers on a bed in spare room, shoes in the hall etc etc
Her toothbrush is in place with mine, her makeup bag is beside me on the settee, I cook the same meals on the same days more or less. I cannot erase her name from the Bank or utility companies and I go out in the car to the same places that we used to go to and I listen to her voice every single day. I believe that it’s all in the name of trying to keep Jean close to me but regrettably she’s getting further away. I feel that if I did anything differently to what we used to do as a couple that I am disrespecting her memory.
I think that you have a clearer picture of how it is for me. This is only a flavour of what Jean’s passing has meant to me, there are plenty of other examples, which I won’t bore you with. I don’t know if some of you are the same?
Being Jean’s carer was one of the most challenging things that I have ever done in my life and to witness your loved one’s health and faculties decline over several years was truly devastating to take.
I feel that I must close for now. Although posting my thoughts is helpful in a way, it is also heart wrenching to disclose at the same time but I know that sharing and reading other peoples postings can only be a good thing and confirms that we are all experiencing this personal horrible thing called grief and the loss of a loved one.
I am also very grateful to the Sue Ryder community for allowing my thoughts to be out there.
Please all take care
MAX74
x
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Dear MAX74
I’m sorry that your wife Jean died. I can really feel your pain. I can relate to everthing you have said. My husband died 5 months ago. I cannot see a time when my life will improve from what it is now. We were married for 49 years and I miss him so much. My house that I used to love is not a home to me any more, it’s just an empty shell. I will move eventually, but not making any rash decisions as it has to be the right move when I do it.
Take care.x
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@MAX74, you don’t sound odd and you will definitely not bore us with your thoughts. I got the shivers when I read your post, I relate to you perfectly, although I lost my beloved husband suddenly, unexpectedly, I know our pain is just as devastating. I also carry on as if he’s still here, only this way I keep my sanity,talking to him all the time, not moving or disregarding his personal belongings. I always ask him what he thinks, what he suggests doing, trying to think of what he’d answer.
Wishing you strength and comfort.
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Hi Max
Thank you for your post Max as it mirrors my feelings exactly. It’s nearly 13 months since Ian lost his seven week battle with cancer; he never had the chance to have chemo as the discovery of a brain tumour delayed everything and then it was too late.
I have tried to move forward with my life but after all these months I know it is not the life I want. I’m not wallowing in my grief as some posts on this site say, I’m grieving for Ian and the loss of his and our futures. I’ve been abroad several times to visit my son and family but without Ian by my side, it’s hard to keep the feelings of heartbreak and loneliness at bay wherever I am.
Everything in the house is just as Ian left it, his unfinished jigsaw under the settee and all his clothes and shoes etc in their normal place. I text him twice a day telling him what I’ve been up to and how much I miss him. We were together for over 40 years and I just can’t and don’t want a future, lonely life without him. To some people this might sound awful but it’s how I feel. People might say do it for Ian but the last thing he would want is me living a life I don’t want and am unhappy with.
I’ve had counselling on and off for about 9 months now. It does help at the time but reality quickly kicks back- I always have to return to an empty house……
I don’t know what the answer is but the thought of more years like this fills me with despair.
Sorry, I’m not much comfort to you am I but at least you know that you are not alone in feeling as you do and I’m sure there are many more on this site who feel like us.
Look after yourself,
Julie x
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Max you are not alone in feeling like this my friend…I lost my chap September 2020 and like you say the first year is shock and just organisation the second just hits you like a sledgehammer.You cannot just move on psychologically after such a long time we entwined our lives with our people and the thought of being without them is just horrible.All I can say to you is please keep talking and negative thoughts encroach just push them away if you can.If you can get out of the house are fit enough to walk do so.Give yourself time …Deborah
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“I believe that it’s all in the name of trying to keep Jean close to me but regrettably she’s getting further away.”
this is a common thing of grief … we fear we will stop feeling as intensely about them … forget them … that they fade away … but I think it is not really like that.
after five years, I am still grieving and missing but not in as much pain and that is a good thing.
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MAX74,
Once again, with minor changes what you wrote about your Jean, I could have written about my loving wife. I didn’t have as much time with my loving wife as you and Jean did, but we were together for over half of my life and two-thirds of hers. It is so hard to exist in a world without my loving wife who was my everything. My loving wife was my whole world, my soulmate, my best friend and to lose all of that so suddenly and unexpectedly is terrible. It is just over 16 months for me and it at times seems like years and I feel I am losing my connection to my loving wife. I miss her more and more each day and night and I hate this so much, the loneliness is overwhelming and unbearable at times and no matter what I try to do to distract myself my loving wife is always on my mind. I don’t say that as a bad thing but it hurts because I am always aware that my loving wife is no longer here and will never be here again. It wasn’t supposed to be this way and as you say, I really should have died when my loving wife died. That was how we always thought it would be, just not for many years to come. Please keep posting/venting because I know it helps me somewhat to do so. I need the support that I have received from these forums and even though some had said that we should move forward, I will say again grief is personal and how I process it may not be how someone else does. I may never be able to move forward with the death of my loving wife and that is not for someone else to judge me for. Take care, John
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I’ve just come back into the site and read these posts. It’s 18 months since I lost Tony. We’d been together 40 years and married 34 years. I still like I’m living in a parallel life to the day to day stuff going on around me. I actually sat today and thought wtf am I doing. I would press that button in a heartbeat to be with him again. But I’ve got 2 wonderful sons who also miss him desperately and it would horrify them to know I feel like this which is why I’ll carry on saying ‘I’m ok’ and crying in private. I’ve had trauma therapy to deal with the dark day when he died and also counselling recently which helped in so much as I could offload to someone who wouldn’t be emotionally involved. I hate my new life so on I’m thinking of ways to keep me busy maybe a new work venture It’s all about just passing the time til we’re together again. I know some of my friends would think I’m a little odd to feel like this but I can’t help it I’m just going through the motions. I’ve always said I’m not depressed I’m just desperately sad 
Love to all of you xx
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Hi Julie55
Desperately sad probably sums up how a lot of us feel. I’ve been asked many a time if I’m depressed to which I’ve always replied no. I’m just grieving a loss which I can never recover from.
Julie x
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I feel exactly the same! Had been with my husband 50 years since 13 years of age, married 43 years , Chris had a massive heart attack laying beside me 22/4/22 at 06.06am , I have no idea what happens in my life now! He was my life xx
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To @Trixie1 and @Julie55 and @j.mstone
I appreciate your replies as I do all the others. I also don’t think I’m depressed, devastated but not depressed. I think that people that make these assumptions don’t understand as their not in our situation. My heart goes out to you all and @j.mstone particularly as your loss is so recent.
Thinking of you all
MAX74
x
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@Julie55, Hi, if that’s your age, than I’m the same age as you. I turn 55in August and my beautiful beloved husband would have been 59 in August, too. We were also married in August, can imagine how I’m going to feel next month.
I also have two children, in their twenties, and just like you I don’t want to let them see me upset all the time, so I cry when I’m alone, especially while I’m driving. I manage to put on a ‘brave face’ in front of my kids, parents and FIL, but then on my own, I just go crazy and cry out all my sadness.
Wishing you and all here a peaceful evening.
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Oh yes the car crying - had plenty of those journeys xx I miss a kiss goodnight soooooo much
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Hi Solost and Julie 55
If I’m staying with family, I find the shower is a good place to cry my heart out. I can always blame my red eyes on the shampoo! Better that than they know how heartbroken I still am.
Love to all
Julie x
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