I can empathise with your every word. The silence is impossible to live with and the pain of being one, when you just want to be two again, is awful.
I’m in the early days, 12 weeks of living without my beloved Joe. I constantly ask him where he is out loud and long to simply hear him. I’ve never experienced such pain and pray it will become better as time passes.
He was my life. I’ve even begun to ring his phone just to hear his answer phone voice- crazy I know.
I’ve been trying to think of one positive every day, so hard but I do try.
Take good care x
GillB1,
I am sorry for your loss. Grief is a terrible thing. I thought I knew all about grieving and how to deal with it. I have experienced many deaths in my lifetime but none ever affected me like the death of my loving wife, my soulmate, my best friend, my whole world, my everything. I am glad you try to think positive, I have tried but the bad thoughts creep into my broken grieving brain and I just hate it. Take care, John
Bert48,
I am sorry for your loss. I have said something similar about my loving wife in regards to me dying first. My loving wife died suddenly and unexpectedly but she was a person who relied on me to do most things only because she didn’t want to do them and therefore she didn’t need to do them. I said it is a sliver of a silver lining that my loving wife isn’t having to go through this terrible grief and all of the other issues I am dealing with. Take care, John
There definitely isn’t anything in life worse then feeling that loss of a wife/husband, but of course as there is nothing better in life then being in love… Although grief is absolutely crap if we didn’t have it then it means we never truly loved.
We’re all different in the ways we cope, our attitudes, the people we have to help us alone the way… I definitely believe the first month or two is key to how your survive later on… I still read how people struggle or can’t watch/listen/read things from there loved ones… And I guess until you face ever fear/demon you’re truly stuck in limbo never moving on… Doesn’t matter how many times we say we don’t want to move on, I think everyone knows this isn’t healthy… Life is for living, not stuck wallowing in grief for a life we used to have.
Noone we loved would be happy to see us in pain, I’m not saying you have to forget, date someone new and job done… For me I set out a plan at the start of my journey, to give myself a year… A year of crying my eyes out, feeling suicidal,. Wallowing… And let’s face it we all feel that. After that my goal was too move on, if it was to be alone then I’d find new hobbies, new friends, new career, a new start… We did it once we certainly an do it again… Just have to give everything we have deep down to move forward and make them proud…
I’m lucky as I found a widow who I connected with and found love again, even though people say it’s not possible, it certainly is…
I love being in this forum watching people be there for each other, people opening up on their pain to complete strangers and having them do the same back… The human race at times certainly can be a waste of space but times like these can be beautiful too… With covid, wars, bills spiking, grief… We all need people to connect with… All you guys are amazing and wish each and everyone of you strength to help on your journeys… Take care… Sending love and hugs x
Lee x
Thank you for your replies. As I read them it brought me to tears. As I’ve said before I can easily get emotional.
Another bloody (sorry for the language) weekend without Jean. Not a lot to look forward to. I seem to be living in the past but looking for a future without her but it’s so so difficult. I can’t move on I am anchored and consumed about the past.
Reading comments on here tells me what a wonderful bunch of people we have on this site, they may be consumed by loss, heartbroken by grief but still share their stories. thoughts and advice. I reached out and you have responded.
Jean at the end was overcome by Alzheimer’s and yet I would want her back in a heartbeat as she was.
I just sobbed and sobbed all of a sudden. It just came out. I shouted out something about Jean and that I felt ALONE and I wanted her back.
It’s awful this gut-wrenching feeling you get from the pit of your stomach. It’s absolutely awful.
Lee,
I am truly glad that you were able to move forward in your grieving process. I hope others are as lucky as you are. I am unable to predict the future and at this stage of my existence I am not where you are. It is over a year for me and I don’t like this at all but I am where I am. Take care, John
I am bereft with the loss of my darling wife Jean.
Looking after Jean 24/7 as her carer has made her passing unbearable. Ten months on every day is still a struggle. She is here, there and everywhere in my mind and in my heart.
The silence in the house feels eerie. I kept a diary when she was alive of everything we did, and refer to it every day and try and follow this now as a way of trying to bring her closer.
I haven’t or I can’t move on. Things or objects are in the same places as before she went in to hospital.
On here I find you can get your inner thoughts out. I am reluctant to talk about how I feel too much or talk about Jean in case people eventually get fed up and avoid me.
Hi so sorry for your loss . It’s terrible all the heartbroken people on this site . I have never been on any chat or Facebook or whatever else there is out there . I have never needed to I had a wonderful life with my hubby . But that ended 6 months ago . Now I am just waiting for the day I can be with him. It is so hard getting through each day . I can’t even remember how I came across this site , but it has helped me a great deal . Talking to people who understand how I feel and realising I’m not going crazy.xtake carex
MAX74,
I understand what you said about talking about Jean, I think that is part of why nobody calls me anymore and our son avoids me too. I need to talk about my loving wife because even though I may cry when I do it, it helps me to deal with it. I now need to come here and other forums because nobody here really judges what we say because they all have gone through it or are going through it in their own way. My loving wife is everywhere in this house, because everything in this house is where she placed it. The colors of the walls and the things on the shelves are all there because she put them there. The only changes I made were I hung up pictures that she drew and photographs of her that she would never allow me to hang. My loving wife didn’t really like her picture taken because she like most people didn’t care for how they turned out. I need to have reminders of my loving wife’s smile and all but one of them is her loving smile, the other one is just a reminder of a private joke between us. Take care, John
Hi @MAX74. I just wanted to say that it’s ok for you to come here as often as you want to to pour out your feelings, no one will get “ fed up” with you
It’s the way you grieve and we all do it differently and in different stages. Lots of people have poured their hearts out here, including me. It’s a safe place to do it so you go ahead, I hope it gives you at least some relief from this agony.
Max, this is such a lovely forum to put down how you feel and to connect with people, you should never be afraid of people getting fed up or avoiding you.
It is lovely to be apart of other people’s journeys, to listen and learn of others people’s lives with their partners… It’s also nice to be there for new people starting out on their grief journey too let them know there not alone and here is a safe haven to post how they feel. So Max you post as often as you need to help you get by.
Take care my friend, Lee
MAX74,
I am sorry that you had a bad day, I personally think that if there are tears let them flow. I have found that when I try to stop them it just makes it worse. It is a beautiful card. Take care, John
Hi John
Let them tears happen don’t hold back I’ve done that over my husband honestly makes you feel worse…I feel so numb I’ve really forgotten how normal feels anymore
Anyway you take care John we’re all here if you need us sending hugs x
Max - every word you write makes me upset. In fact your words could quite easily be written by my lovely dad, who tirelessly cared for mum at home for 13 years approx. Me and my sister were always there as a support, so I currently feel totally empty, sad, lacking in purpose but I try my best to be there for dad who lost his soul mate of 60 years. I miss my mum but your words make me feel so sad because I know my dad is feeling all these things x
Ladysuisei,
I am sorry for the loss of your mum, whenever that was. As much as we hate having to be on these forums as I say there may be a sliver of a silver lining. It is making some people aware of the pain that we surviving spouses are feeling and going through. For too long we have been ignored or afraid to express our real feeling about the loss we have experienced. I know I never realized when someone lost a spouse the level of pain involved. I now know that that loss is in actuality is too many things. I know I lost my loving wife and she was my (1) best friend (2) my soulmate (3) my lover (4) my whole world (5) my everything (6) my only reason to live and with my broken brain(grief brain) I am sure there are other words to state what my loving wife means/meant to me. These are things I was not aware of until my loving wife died. As I have said maybe too many times on various forums I have dealt with many deaths and there is nothing I have ever dealt with like the death of my loving wife. I hope that you are able to offer the support that you dad really needs right now and in the future. Take care, John
John thank you. We lost mum to alzheimers in January 2021 but it might as well been yesterday because each new day brings new sadness. I worry about my dad, but as I have been incredibly mentally unwell for the last 6 months or so, it’s difficult. Although I believed that I was mentally prepared to say goodbye to my mum, I realise that is not the case. Now, my dad means so much to me I find myself anxious about his welfare. Goodness. I didn’t realise life could get worse than witnessing mum’s decline, but it does sadly. Take care x
Ladysuisei,
I sadly can say that yes it does seem it can get worse. My loving wife was the second person to die in 2021 and the first was a friend I was caregiver for and even though we knew it was going to happen it wasn’t really easy. After my loving wife died I cared for her Mother(MIL) with dementia all alone and she died in August and then my loving wife’s Cousin died in October at only 38 and I had known her for almost her entire life (35)years and then this January my Mother’s last sibling died (my Uncle) so there were 5 deaths in a little over a year. It has been so overwhelming for me because any one of those deaths required my loving wife to help me process and she wasn’t here for that. I would have been here for my loving wife also, since most were her relatives but that is what loving spouses do and are supposed to do. It is the lack of that support now that really makes a bad situation so much worse and I think that is what your dad is going through as well in his own way. I know I hate this so much and I am very vocal about it and it may help if your dad can let some of it out to you or someone. I will probably never get to a good place but these forums help me somewhat to release some of my anger and pain. Take care, John
It’s taken me a time to compose myself to reply .
My heart is heavy at all the comments.
Thank you all for your kind words. I’m sorry if I upset you Ladysuisei, it was not my intention.
I was originally a member of the stiff upper lip brigade. but one great thing Jean taught me (amongst lots of other things) was to show your feelings and to let your emotions out.
Here we go then, reading these not only nice sentiments but abundant sadness that we all have, it must be good to share them and be a form of self healing. Everyday I have tears for the loss of Jean, every draw I open, every cupboard I open.every time I see her clothes or catch sight of one of her photos. my heart misses a beat and I dry away the tears.
I’m sure that this will be a long process for me. I believe it’s a measure of how much we loved them and miss them.
To **John9 ** , you have my best wishes for your loss and to Ladysuisei, I’m sorry for your sadness and best wishes to your Dad.
