Thank you so much Peter. It’s an awful feeling knowing I’ll have the rest of my life alone without Stacie. I’m so sorry you lost your partner too. Cancer touches us all in some way. It seems everyone is affected directly or indirectly. Thank you for your kind message
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@Djwg24 hello there. I can see this is your first post and it’s a heartbreaking one. Actually I have been contributing to this thread as I lost my mum, but my dad has a lot of shared experiences and I feel that I do have something to contribute.
Well all I can say is to echo other posters and say I am so sorry for your loss. Your grief will be just so raw at the moment I expect you feel cast adrift. Sadly, we all share a common experience which is that we have lost someone precious to us. Please accept my best wishes and I hope over the coming weeks and months that somehow you are able to make sense of your terrible tragedy x
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It’s been just over a year since I lost Jean.
I still cannot get my head round it. In that time I have not moved forward with my life. As I’ve mentioned before I would have liked to have gone with her but for two reasons, one is that I’m a coward and secondly for the sake of my Son and Daughter, I would not wish to devastate them, or harm them in any way.
I have known Jean for 56 years and we were married for over 51 years. She was a special lady, loving, loyal, honest , beautiful and a good Mum to our children. I loved her unconditionally. We both had the same thoughts and outlook on life.
It was an honour and a privilege to care for her over her last years. Although it was tough, very tough at times, I hope that I helped. She was a very brave lady. It was so very tough to watch my darling wife decline mentally over her last few years, I tried my best and was her sole carer. It was so heartbreaking to watch her suffer with Alzheimer’s and particularly when she cried because her brain was not functioning. I had to turn my back on her because I had difficulty in holding my emotions together.
I am also sorry that in her last few days I had to be admitted to hospital , which meant she couldn’t see me and declined even faster. although the end was inevitable.
Last Sunday I went to my Son’s 50th BBQ celebrations.
It was a nice family affair, plenty of food,drink and conversations. At one point I froze and was overcome by the fact that Jean wasn’t there. I quickly pulled myself together. Somebody opposite noticed my reaction and smiled and recognised what was was going through, but said nothing.
It’s so so difficult.
I cannot say any more for now, it’s so upsetting and difficult.
Thank you to anybody that reads my ramblings from the heart.
Please all look after yourselves and take care.
MAX74
x
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@MAX74 oh no that experience of panic is horrendous isn’t it? You are very brave I think. Having thoughts of suicide but not acting on them is a brave choice. You have also thought this through and made a rational decision to show up every day and deal with your pain. That, in itself shows courage x
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@Ladysuisei thank you so much for your message. Everyone has been so kind on here. I’m sorry you’re going through the awful thing that is grief right now. It is a comfort to be able to speak to yourself and others on here, it definitely helps a bit. Today was tough because I had to submit Stacies songs for her cremation next week, and I also picked up my suit for my nephews wedding next week too, which Stacie would have been at with me.
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@Max74 thank you for being so open and honest. I enjoy reading your posts, and my heart is broken for you, i’m so sorry you’re going through this. I completely agree with @Ladysuisei, you are showing great courage. I don’t want to be here most of the time, but I could never let my son, family and friends suffer how I’m suffering now. Thanks for posting and reading in return
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MAX74,
I am sorry that you or anyone has to experience this pain, I hate that there are bad thoughts that come into our heads. I have a broken brain that just keeps cycling all kinds of thoughts and the worst are feeling as if I failed my loving wife when she needed me the most. I was not with her when she died because I was caring for her Mother, and I didn’t know that she was going to die. It was sudden and it was unexpected and it has been devastating even now after 14 months it is hard. I am barely functioning but I am here until it is my turn to die. I get up and I do what I have to do, but there is no joy anymore or any motivation. My loving wife was my whole world and I am completely lost without her. Take care, John
I found choosing the music for my husband’s funeral really tough. I so wanted it to be right but he wasn’t a great music fan so I struggled over the choices. I hope you’ve managed to make your decision and that the service goes well. Another incredibly difficult hurdle crossed for you.
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Thank you so much Flossy. Stacies little son chose a song they used to sing together. Then we’re going to one by her favourite band The Cure. And then what would have been our wedding song at the end. Thanks very much for messaging. It will be another hurdle. Still doesn’t seem real, I still keep thinking I’m going to see her every single day…
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Hi Flossy.
Doug had already told us he wanted “Impossible Dream” from Carousel playing, and I choose “Make Me a Channel of your Peace” which was sang at our marriage blessing, our son chose his favourite “Shine Jesus Shine” and our daughter chose “In Christ Alone”.
Because the funeral was in lockdown we couldn’t sing they were just played during the service. Hearing them now still brings tears to my eyes.
Music is a very special part of the service, it will stay with you for ever, will be thinking of you next week @Djwg24 . One more hurdle to get through. X
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@Djwg24 I am happy that you’re getting some comfort from being on here. Losing your ( beautiful) partner so young and so early into your relationship is heartbraking to read. My dad had difficulty in choosing the " right" songs to be playing for mum’s cremation. This was something he did himself without mine or my sister’s input. I thought the music he chose was a beautiful tribute and reflected their long relationship together. 57 years it was. They met in 1957 and my main recollection of mum’s service was the optimism that they shared embarking on their new life together. I feel anyone who is fortunate to experience this is very lucky. I have such happy memories of a carefree childhood with lots of fun and laughter, as well as the inevitable bad times too ( mainly when I was naughty). I hope you are feeling slightly less sad today and maybe with the collective support on here, you will find your way through the difficult times ahead. Take care x
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@Debbie57 you are so right saying the music is the most important part of the service. Actually I cannot remember walking into chapel with my dad and sister. We walked directly behind the bearers and all I could focus on was my son ( now 6"4 and 29) carrying his nan’s coffin and he was in bits. That particular song was Dean Martin " Memories are made of this". In fact I cannot listen to this any more because it makes me cry x
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Thank you so much for you message. Today was my first day back at work for a while. I was so apprehensive at first bit once I was there everyone was so lovely. We went for drinks after and I was talking about Stace and showing everyone her pictures! I just feel incredibly lucky I was a part of her life! What an amazing woman. Thank you for your message. How are you feeling today? x
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@Djwg24 hi there. Well today is not a bad day actually. Tomorrow I go with my dad and sister to visit mum’s memorial at the garden of remembrance. To be honest losing mum still feels surreal. I think it’s partly because the funeral and interment were under covid restrictions, so nothing went as I expected it to. I am privileged to have had such a lovely mum and a happy childhood. I know I’m probably in a minority here. You are doing so well getting back into work. I find it difficult to socialise any more. I think covid has an awful lot to answer for and sadly life is taking a lot of adjustment. I do hope one day to feel " normal" whatever that is x
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This is so true life has changed so much on a daily bases.
I lost my husband during covid and wasn’t allowed to visit him until last 2 days of his life. I’m no at our first anniversary yet but like you I’ve got lots of friends and lovely family and am so grateful for but nobody can replace my dear husband.
Like you I still can’t believe it all but we cope as best we can. Love to you all and hope you get peace going to visit Mum in garden of rembrance xx:heart:
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I believe that I feel worse now than I did in the first 12 months. Last year I was more in shock but now I feel an intense sadness and get very emotional and the loss of Jean is now really hitting home.
The house is like a shrine to her. Pictures of her in every room and a painting of her hanging in the lounge.
Her clothes have not been touched. When I got her effects from the hospital, I placed her clothes as we used to before she went in, I put her jacket on the back of a chair, her trousers on the bed in the spare bedroom, her shoes and slippers in the hall. Other items of her clothing I never got back.
Her towel hangs next to mine. Our toothbrushes are together.
I still prepare the same meals on the same days, as I used to do, but now just for one.
I cannot remove her name from our accounts.
I go shopping in the morning and go out in the afternoon to places where I used to take Jean,
I talk to her all the time.
I listen to her voice.
We have a Jubilee street party on Saturday afternoon, this is something Jean would have loved, but I can’t get enthused over it. The neighbours keep asking me to join in but bless them I don’t think I can.
I could go on and on. I think you get the picture.
Am I going mad ? or am I experiencing an extreme bereavement. All I know is that the loss of Jean has hit me hard, very hard, I suppose after 51 years of marriage, it’s not surprising.
I go back to my original question:
PLEASE TELL ME l ‘M NOT THE ONLY ONE FEELING LIKE THIS
Thank you for letting me share my thoughts
MAX74
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Hi Max74,
I’m at 15 months since my husband died. Yes, the second year does seem to be harder than the first, I’ve been told this by others that are further on their grief journey.
Since the first anniversary I seem to have gone backwards, just not coping, I don’t sleep, tired all the time and very tearful. We been married 44 years, 47 years since we were first met. I think the first year you are still in shock, doing everything on autopilot, the second year reality sets in they are not coming back.
No your not going mad, but perhaps it time to talk to someone, such as you GP, or even councilling. Which is what I am doing, I never felt the need before but on the advice of my GP I now am, and she has also prescribed antidepressants to help me sleep.
I have many of Doug’s things still around the house, his toothbrush next to mine and so on, and I talk to him all the time especially at night as I’m going to bed, or when I’m in the garden his favourite place to be. There is no hurry in doing or changing anything, only you will know when the time is right for you.
Do you have family to talk to, I find my children and grandchildren a great comfort, we talk about dad, grandad all the time, even my friends will talk to me about him. It keeps Doug very much in the centre of my life.
My street is having a BBQ, why don’t you go to your street party if only for a little while, your neighbours might surprise you with their concern for you.
We are all moving forward on our journey, taking our loved ones along with us in our hearts .
Sending you love
Debbie X
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Dear Max74,
Yes, this is madness! Grief is madness! I am so sorry for your desolation in loss.
I am fourteen months after loss of my love; a love of fifty years and marriage of 47 years… I feel worse now than before… Different layers seem to surface and overwhelm… I know it will never be different as our beloved is part of us and until we are together I shall never cease to search for him… A celebration weekend is coming up but there is no joy anymore in anything…
Do keep all your routines going as it is some small comfort to you perhaps…
Do come on this website and know that there are fellow travellers who feel with you…
Big hug…
Xxxx
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No, Max74 you are not the only one feeling like this, it’s been 18 months since I lost my beloved husband suddenly and so prematurely, andI’m also feeling worse now than during the first year. Perhaps because the shock and disbelief is now materializing into an unbearable reality, although I still just can’t come to terms with the fact that I’m not not going to see him anymore. I’ve also left everything the way it was, wouldn’t dream of throwing out or moving around any of his belongings. The other day I took to a charity collection some of my own old clothes, but his will never be touched, his car is still here, everyone advising me to sell it since my 2 grownup kids and I already share two other smaller cars, but I just haven’t got the courage, the heart, to part with it. It would be like losing him even more.
I sometimes think I’m going crazy but I find comfort in reading everyone’s posts here realising that this is how this ugly beast called ‘grief’ makes us behave.
Wishing you peace.
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Hi Max no your aren’t going mad I miss my husband so much too. Its so hard and his clothes are still one wardrobe his dressing gown behind bedroom door and he is all over our house. Some days I’m ok then others miss him so mush today was like that. I went to town walking on my own sat on the bus on my own it pulls at your heart doesn’t it? It’s 10 months today for my bus band and still raw after 54 years of marriage just feel so alone even when people there I still feel alone.
I wake up in the morning and feel this horrible pain in my stomach will it ever go away. I can’t go on this way I try to be brave and positive but I’m not really. Let us keep going your wife wouldn’t want you to be lost and unhappy I bet xxx
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