Hi , I have been a single parent for my daughters entire life and don’t have any family . For the past 23 years we have been together and had a wonderful life . Not only was she my daughter , but my best friend . Despite suffering at times with mental health issues , I thought we have turned a corner and she was positive about good times ahead but 5 weeks ago she took her own life .
To say I am bereft and heartbroken does not begin to explain the sheer & utter pain I feel . I had support on the run up to her funeral 2 weeks ago but that has fallen away as everyone has their own lives & families and I now spend 98% of my time on my own .
We lived together and I just don’t know what to do . I desperately want to die and join her but I promised her that I wouldn’t but it is so difficult to continue to breath knowing she no longer doesn’t.
I receive counselling once a week , am on medication to aide sleep but I cannot comprehend a life without my darling girl and I am really really struggling . From the time I get up , until I go to bed , I just sit thinking and sobbing , wanting the pain to end.
I have been signed off work by my GP for a couple of months , but I am surrounded by dark heart wrenching grief and cannot see any solution other than to follow my daughter ……
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I am so, so sorry that you are going through this heartbreaking grief. I am on here because I lost my husband suddenly and with no warning at the age of 50. I don’t comprehend fully your situation, I don’t pretend to however I do know what horrendous grief is like and how life is just shattered. I am glad that you are getting counselling. You need to reach out to anyone and everyone who can help. Don’t try to ‘cope’ or say that you’re ok. You’re not ok and it is ok not to be ok. Check out Megan Devine on the internet or Twitter- she has some good information. Remember you can talk to the Samaritans at any time. Keep posting here, there will be people who have lost a child who will support you as well. My heart goes out to you - sending hugs
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Dear @Sarah111,
I feel very sad reading your story. Your pain must at times be almost unbearable but please keep remembering what you promised your daughter. It is good that you have counseling once a week, but the time in between must feel like an eternity. There are a number of organisations you can contact at any time when you need to talk with someone. Jules already mentioned the Samaritans. There is a post called ‘urgent’ at the top of the page, where you can find a list with details. I copy the link here for you in case you can’t find it: https://community.sueryder.org/pub/urgent-help
There have been so many parents on this site who have posted stories similar to yours. Sadly, you are not the only parent having to go thorugh this terrible grief. I hope you find comfort in the fact that you and your daughter were very close, that she knew how much you loved her and that you did everything you could to try and help her. I hope that others who have gone through this will reach out to you through this site. There is also an organisation specifically for people who have lost someone to suicide. You may find it helpful to talk to other women who know what you are going through. It is called Sobs (survivors of bereavement by suicide).
This is the link to their website: https://uksobs.org/
Sending you love and a big virtual hug,
Jo
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Thank you so much Jo for this advice . I will definitely look at these as I need as much support as possible to ensure I keep my promise to my beautiful girl 
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Dear Sarah111
I am so desperately sorry you’ve lost your beloved daughter. Firstly five weeks in you must still be in shock so be gentle with yourself just thinking about getting through the next hour. I strongly recommend Meditation as it somehow brings a sense of calm.
I use the Headspace app which was recommended to me by elder son……when my younger son died aged 30 in October 2019. When Henry went I too wanted to join him…I actually felt physical pain in my heart for months. I cried constantly- hardly slept- rested when the exhaustion of weeping took over. This is when I tried meditation.
Henry had poor mental health and used recreational drugs alongside his prescription meds. When he was well he was the most amazing person- fun and great company. He made some appalling life choices and he never saw the bad in some of his “friends”
Ten weeks after his death my nephew took his own life. He was 32. The toll on our family has been shocking 
Please keep posting ad there are many supportive people here who’ve lost a child- or children.
On a practical level do you have friends, neighbours or other family? Let people know you still need support.
My heart breaks for you it truly does. You will find a way to incorporate your loss and grief into your life. It sounds unbelievable but it happens slowly.
I’m coming up to two years and sometimes it feels like yesterday- but I can honestly say I have more good days than bad.
Sending you love and a warm hug. Tell us about your daughter when you are ready.
Purple x
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Hi @Sarah111,
I just wanted to echo what @Jo60plus has said above and thank you for bravely sharing so openly and honestly. The way you are feeling is completely understandable following your Daughter’s tragic death - you deserve the right care and support so please do consider reaching out to the services that have been mentioned, including:
Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
You can also follow this link to find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline.
Thank you to everyone else who has offered support on this thread. It is wonderful to see how you look after one another.
Keep on reaching out, @Sarah111 - please know, you are not alone 
Take care,
Megan
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Thank you to everyone on this site , I would be lost without you and you all give me strength & courage in my dark times when I feel there is no one else 
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Hello dear Sarah , I am so so sorry for the loss of your Darling Daughter . I know you must still be in shock , it is so hard to take in that they have actually gone Even after losing our beautiful girl 4years ago it’s so hard to believe we will never see her again.I am so sorry you have had to join us , but we all be here for you as we all comfort one another in our grief . . Maddie xx
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Thank you Maddie ,
getting comfort from people who I would never have spoken to had we all not been united in our grief is so very comforting in these dark times and I will take strength from you all
Today I bought my beautiful forever 23 year old daughter home . Never could i have imagined this is how our life would be
She is on my bedside table where she will forever remain . Her bedroom is too much of a traumatic place for her ever to enter as this is where she took her own life . Downstairs is also impossible as this is where I mainly sob and have my own dark thoughts about being with her.
Her kitten now sleeps on my bed and tonight will be the 1st time that we are all back together as we should be .
I am beyond grateful that she is now back with me , safe and no longer in pain but my heart is broken beyond repair as I can never hold her , wipe her tears , and chase away her demons as I thought I could
I am so sorry Sarah. It is heartbreaking bringing a loved one home in this way. Like you say, they are back where they belong but not in the form they should be. I know there is nothing that can be said to ease your pain but my thoughts are with you. Sending hugs
Sarah 111 hi Sarah my daughter seemed to have started turning a corner when she passed. I was hoping to get her back as a friend. I know she loved me and I did everything that I could to help her off drugs. But she took sepsis which was treated by cutting part of her pelvis and hip off. But it came back and she died of a heart attack. I am desperate for some kind of message from her. That would help me. I cannot wait till spiritualists open again. This covid has been the worst time for anyone to suffer bereavement. But hey it is getting better so hope is what we have to perhaps get out and speak with people or at least a walk in the park. I wish we all lived near each other and we could go for tea or coffee to give each other a bit of support. It will get a wee bit better. We will have better days to come. I’m decluttering very slowly but I tell my daughter I’m doing it for her and her kids, my grandkids. Hang in there, the covid is letting up and we can at least walk in the park or round the shops.x best wishes to you.xx
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P.s. I’m a single parent too.xx
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