Nice to hear from you. Easter was difficult, the first Easter without George was tearful all over the place. It is not the tears of no hope as you know it is a longing and yearning for his presence which was so positive, God given and electrifying.
I am reminded by the book I’m reading called A widows Journey, by Gayle Roper and the verse of Joshua 1:9 was comforting.
Our church opened at Easter and I attended the 4.30 service with my family. We have 3 services so it was good to see the pastor who did the funeral as this was the first time I was attending the church since the funeral. I thought that I would be a wreck but God’s peace was amazing not a tear only deep inner sorrow to be in the building without George as we always attended together.
What church do you go to Gary54? I know what you mean about the C of E I became a Christian in a vibrant Pentecostal church. I attend Soul Survivor Watford Mike Pivalachi is the pastor he recently received an MBE for services to Young People 1,000 young people packed their festivals every year and encountered Jesus giving their lives.
Soul Survivor is dynamic allowing the Holy Spirit to move. Check out one of the services which is also live streamed, The Easter Service link is here. My daughter is singing in the worship team. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M70WG6KzjBE
Sorry to hear about your pastor I hope that he is on the mend.
I’ve just seen that the funeral is still on you tube and the link is below.
I definitely would not be able to get through this without a personal relationship with Christ. I cry out to him and ask him what are his plans and purposes in all of this. It is painful so painful at times.
Anyhow enough of me I hope you can see both funeral and Easter Service on the links above the funeral has had over 2,000 views. I know many non-faith people have watched and were blessed.
Didn’t ask much about you Gary54 I hope you are also coping and moving along on this grief journey as a believer he will strengthen, guide and protect you.
Dear juneie, That was such a courageous message for you to give to us - and yet you lost the love of your life. your message gave me something I need to be aware of — Sometimes I feel so sad - just wishing I could get a second chance — anyway, not to waste your time — jus want to say I am sorry for your loss and also to thank you for your thoughts.
Please take care Lady!
Herb
I’m so pleased I was able to inspire. I lived my life through George and now beginning to find my own identity is a bit of a struggle. However, the belief that one day I will see George again does give me hope. Life is a mix bag of pleasures and disappointments and we are all affected irrespective of who we are death comes to all. Of course we all naturally would have liked to have just a few more years with our loved ones wouldn’t we?. That wasn’t to be for so many of us so we go on building a new life without the love of our lives. Difficult and painful but not impossible. Do read the “Footprints in the Sand” Poem wonderful words for encouragement.
Look after yourselves.
Juneie
Dear Juneie, Read your message - you have hope, I guess that’s what I detected in your messages. I have read “footprints in the sand” - it’s a wonderful message - sometimes we think our efforts are our own, but there are times we get that extra hand to get us thru. Yes, some Unseen person is helping us thru our trials and yet we sometimes don’t look at it that way. At least that’s my take on it. I sometimes get down hearted days where I just feel I can’t go thru the day. Then maybe the next day or two I feel a little better, especially if the sun is out. My wife was my cheering section — No I go thru my setbacks and moments alone now. I feel like you -0 I have the promise that I will see here again one day. So now we endure to that day. Anyway, just wanted to hello and hope you have a very nice day! Take care!
Herb
Thanks Herb, It’s interesting isn’t it how each day is so different. The beginning of the week I was crying and felt so emotional now I feel strong. I guess it so depends doesn’t it. Sat to hear of Prince Phillip been listening to all the news now the Queen joins widowhood. I guess no matter the age I know he was 99 and they were married for eternity…which is nice however grief is grief and it impacts us all differently. We will always miss those who meant so much to us. I hope you have a nice day and can get out maybe for a walk. I went for a walk with my mum yesterday which does good.
Juneie
Thank you Juneie, Well, I didn’t take that walk today as it’s raining today and tomorrow. So I think I’ll just hang out here at the TV. Sometimes I watch Doc Martin on the PBS Channel, I guess he’s taking a break but I do record his episodes and watch them later — I just started watching the series about Earnest Hemingway — he had setbacks but all in all I felt he had an interesting life and career, but somehow it didn’t work out for him and his daughter. It’s sad. Yes, the queen joins us widows - that too is sad - nobody is exempt aren’t they? I felt very sad for myself on Friday - just thinking about my wife - remembering how she used to wake my up in morning sitting on the bed with her happy way of saying "Good Morning!!! — (how I miss that. Well, I do the best I can and i do hope you will see a ray of sunshine today. Take care Lady!
Herb
It was much of a TV day for me also I watched a movie called seven pounds with my sons it’s got Will Smith in it a sad movie. I also didn’t walk out today as it was raining.
I just had to referee my 2 sons they get at each other and wind each other up. The loss of their father impacts them. It’s like a competition between them, at least one has apologised to the other one for how he was. Anyhow my daughter would just knock their heads together…not literally but she’s currently in Belfast working on a TV programme. Anyway enough of me. I know what you mean about waking you up in the morning, my husband would sleep early and tell me stop staying up late now there’s no one to encourage me to do the right thing can be very lonely. Anyhow Herb you enjoy the rest of the weekend.
Juneie
Hi everyone another sunday and another week without my soul mate, it was 9 months friday. I’m finding it so hard, I have brought some plants and seeds and am making an area in the garden, I have some plants he brought me two years ago for my birthday and one of them seems to be dying and now my heart is breaking all over again, despite loving and nurturing talking to it even more so since his passing it . reminding me again that it doesnt matter how much you love something it isn’t enough and another part of him is going.
I know if i tried to explain this to a friend they wouldn’t get it. But I know someone here will. It was something he chose and he always took such care and thought with his gifts he just got me in a way no one else ever has or will.
O how i wish we had more than 5 years…I know we were lucky that we found each other at all, but 56 is no age…
I get you I am finding it difficult to throw items away that I know Tim used or touched like the cooking salt I actually poured the new salt into the old cardboard container as it has his finger prints on. We can not bear to keep losing bits of them I feel he is being irradiated and it hurts.
Weekends are just endless and so painful, we loved our weekends date night always on a Friday night in lockdown he’d cook both clear away and we would pick a film or listen to our records on our record player ( I’m packing this away caveat to use it now).
I actually had two ok days last week but now third day in a row where I’m just so so sad and can’t bear to live without him.
I understand, when I went out to tidy the garden I found the fish grilling basket inside the bbq. I broke down in floods of tears because he bought it last year and only got chance to use it once.
We have lots of solar lights and always disagreed about whether they should be white or coloured (I preferred white). He couldn’t go to a garden centre without buying some and I used to moan at him, saying we had plenty
Now I have turned into him, some have stopped working over the winter and now if I go anywhere I keep buying new ones and guess what! I’m buying coloured ones! He would be so amused.
Love and hugs Jacky
Yes it is rubbish isn’t it? Sunday was our day, walking, bird watching, shopping, coffee and cake somewhere or just even a drive out in the car.
I can’t throw out the half empty jar of jam that only he ate, (dreading it going mouldy).
Green t bags on the side, again only he drank them.
Empty glasses cases all over the house, i was always moaning and saying why don’t you
throw some out, but he like to hoard. Now they will have to stay because I can’t throw them out now!
He used to buy vitamin and cod liver oil tablets and they’re also sat in the bathroom cabinet.
Every little thing becomes so important when they have gone, I can’t bear to part with anything that reminds me.of him and his habits.
Love and hugs Jacky
Tomorrow it will be 17 weeks since my wonderful husband died. I’ve been trying my best to keep going and to get through a day at a time, some days more successfully than others. I’ve tackled the paperwork , which seems never ending , I’m trying to deal with practical things in the house and car, though why everything is breaking down now I don’t know! I’ve been through major ‘firsts’ of Christmas, New Year, his birthday and recently a family get-together. You would think reality has sunk in by now. Yet yesterday I found myself in a shop just about to buy something special to cook for his dinner. I left the shop and stood crying in the street. We were together for 18 years but only married, by a special licence , during the first lockdown. April 17th would have been our first wedding anniversary . We were so ridiculously happy this time last year; we felt truly blessed even though Alan had advanced cancer and Covid restrictions had interrupted his treatment plan. I have tried so very hard to keep going and to do my best but I am honestly not sure how I am going to manage the next few days . I know ,thinking back to our wedding - held in the sitting room, just the vicar and two witnesses - should be a happy memory. It is, but it makes me miss him more than ever if that is possible. This is so incredibly hard. Hard and utterly exhausting.
Hi Everyone and Bunny88 your message really resonated with me.
The paperwork is a night mare as the professionals I have spoken to in the last weeks ask whether my husband left a WILL, my husband never made a WILL, nor is there a Letter of Administration. I have applied for everything on behalf of George as Next of Kin.
There is so much to change, mortgages, practical things, Things in home you are right everything packs up when they die…my son has been doing everything bless him, He’s sold the car and got his friends to come in and fix things that have broken down since George’s death. You are also right about the first of everything, mothers day without him was awful, Easter without him was spent at church which was of some comfort. We have a big family celebration in July.
My Nephew is getting married in July. I am dreading seeing family and friends from near and far and everyone asking me questions about George and me breaking down which I do not want to do at my Nephews wedding that would be terrible for my Nephew and his wife. It is going to be a happy day and my sadness is due to the fact that George is not going to be there to enjoy it…he was aware of the wedding so sad he will not be here to enjoy it.
I’m so sorry that your husband’s cancer treatment was marred by COVID restrictions. It is so very difficult to live without the love of our lives. I really miss my husband and feel that life without him is going to be so difficult. No one knows what the future holds our loves never knew they wouldn’t be around now. We need to carve out a life for ourselves without them which will be a struggle but we will get there. You will do it as many have done before us. Your amazing Bunnie88 believe in yourself.
Juneie
Tuesday till be 14 weeks since I lost my husband. They have been the most incredibly painful and sad times and I see no difference going forward. Yes I do the everyday things even smoke and laugh at times but inside I am absolutely broken and every single thing I do I feel his absence. Alone I cry for my loss and the things he’s missing , I’ve lost count how many times I’ve thought Tom would like this , I must tell Tom that when I get home etc etc. Each thought is like a stab to my heart and brings me to tears. I feel like I’m stuck in a revolving door going round and round and not able to get out. And at times I could easily walk under a bus were it not for my beautiful daughter. Each morning I wake up and it hits me all over again and I beg that it’s a nightmare and during the day my brain can’t accept he’s gone I’m just stuck and heartbroken. I was lucky not to have paperwork to do above the basic but I am financially in a pickle as we lived on his pension so on top of grief I have to rebuild my life and look for a job to keep the roof over our heads, it’s just so hard and it’s draining me mentally. My doctor surgery are useless , I was told at 8 weeks that I should be over it and at 12 weeks told I needed to get back to normal … I don’t have a normal now, that went in the blink of an eye … I’m trying to build a new normal with very little support as no I’ve truly understands unless they’ve lost a life partner , and that’s why I’m truly grateful to be able to share my deepest darkest thoughts with you all on here. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you as I sadly know exactly huw you feel x
Dear Juneie and Heartbroken1, thank you for your replies and for your perfect understanding. What a truly awful nightmare we are in! And how utterly insensitive and thoughtless to tell someone that ‘you should be over it in 8 weeks’! My husband was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago and , though we did have some ‘good’ years since the diagnosis when no treatment was needed, other times were really hard for both of us to endure. But we did and we could because we had one another and we gave each other strength and love. Since his death some people have suggested that I must have realised this was going to happen and that it can’t have been a shock to me so why was I so distressed. I have also been told that ‘it was for the best’! Well Alan and I beg to disagree!! I do know that nothing but nothing at all can prepare you for that moment or that loss. You still have hope - right until the end. But , as we have all experienced in differing ways, people just don’t understand if they haven’t experienced it themselves. I know now that I certainly didn’t understand what absolute horror it is to lose your life partner before it happened to me. You both have children and that must help give you a focus to your day. Sadly, I don’t and I struggle all the time wondering what the point of anything is. And along with the exhaustion another emotion I now experience daily is fear - I am so very frightened of the future for the first time in my life. I’m frightened of how I will manage, of how I can endure the loneliness, the fear of getting older without him by my side. Again, unless you have been through it people just don’t understand how frightening it is to be the one left behind. Having financial worries at such a time when it’s hard to think straight adds another layer of difficulty to an already impossible situation. Perhaps you know this already but if not go to the Gov.UK website and search ‘Bereavement Support Payment’ - you may be entitled to some support if you are not yourself yet of pension age. It’s only 4pm and I’m having a glass of wine. I used to beat myself up about drinking too much. Now I just think, on days like today when it all seems too much to bear and another sad week of memories about my lovely wedding ( all arranged in a few days - I had no outfit, no ring, no flowers, no guests- but it was simply magical) and what should have been our first anniversary - well, ‘whatever it takes to get me through’ is ok right now.
I’m so sorry your doctors have treated you like that. I have to admit that mine has been the total opposite and has been happy for me to be still off work. It’s 20 weeks for me and I still don’t think I can face going back. There is no returning to normal, it doesn’t exist any more.
I too have to admit I didn’t realise how devastating it is to lose your partner, I apologised to my mum for not being more understanding when my dad died. It was heartbreaking for me but I just can’t compare it to this.
Love and hugs Jacky
Hi Bunny88 , I too now have the emotion of fear, I’ve always been an optomist, always looking on the bright side of everything.
But like you I fear the loneliness, growing old on my own, being ill, and today I realised I am so frightened of never feeling the love he gave me again and that no-one will ever understand me like he did.
Love and hugs Jacky
Dear Jacky , thank you for your reply. And Jules4 too. Knowing that our partners really understood us and loved us unconditionally is such a huge loss to bear now that that incredible support has gone. I feel less than half the person I was. People tell me that I ‘have to adapt’ to this new life. But I really can’t see how that is possible. It took me so very long to find the ‘old’ life with my husband. We certainly weren’t young when we met and fell in love. We had both been through so much already.But it was the only time in my entire life that I felt completely loved and secure and accepted for who I was. He gave me such confidence. Now I feel ‘incomplete’. And so frightened. My husband and I were both diagnosed with cancer within a month of each other 7 years ago now. We supported each other throughout surgeries and radiotherapy and chemotherapy . I am still having treatment . Without my lovely husband by my side it’s all so hard. I try not to think about it and just deal with the day to day stuff but even that has now worn me down completely, As you said Jules4 - it is so so hard.
Jacky