I keep thinking of the film Dirty Dancing when Baby said to Johny ’ and most of all I’m scared of never ever feeling like this again.’
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Yes I look in the mirror and don’t recognise myself, it’s me but not really. Me was Geoff and Jacky. I really feel that I am the person I am today because of him and I am so grateful for that, but that just makes it worse I suppose. Half of me is missing. Xx love and hugs 
Jacky
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That’s exactly how I feel, with him not by my side I am not complete and he gave me the strength to be me. Now I have no support and life is pointless. With him I am nothing.
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I just think our lives were so interwoven that when that unravels it is impossible to think about how to even begin to ‘patch it up’ to forge some sort of future. I agree with the Dirty Dancing quote - one hug from him would make everything alright. No more hugs from him ever is just unbearable.
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I am also very fearful and I’ve not felt like this ever. Something happened to us a few years ago that was very stressful and kept us apart but not even then did I feel the fear and anxiousness I have now. I wake at night full of fear not wanting this new life
Heartbroken, Jules and Bunny, I call it the washing machine stomach, hollow, empty and churning.
I feel sad that even though I know I loved him, it has taken losing him to realise how much I loved him and like you say how much we are intertwined until it all unravels and we are left like this. Even when we argued, I always knew I never wanted to be anywhere else and that we were meant to be.
We met when I was 32 and I was still married to my ex, I’m not proud of how things happened but even then I remember thinking that if I I didn’t leave my marriage I would never get the chance again to meet someone who made me feel like he did. My ex went on to remarry and we remained good friends until he unfortunately passed away. When we met we found out we had always lived within walking distance of each other although we had never met and we had lots of past history in common, friends from school and our families had grown up near each other and gone to the same schools, so knew of each other. We always said it was meant to be and I’m so glad for the 28 years we have had together. I wouldn’t change anything I have done but now we have to suffer for knowing a love like this.
Love and hugs Jacky
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Dear Heartbroken1, Read your post - I hope I am understanding you
correctly - I just want to sympathize with you - I lost the lovely woman of my life almost 15 months ago - and yet I still grieve for her. Yes, I shed tears for her every day 9nobody in my family suspects it, they think I’m doing fine - truth be known I am still heartbroken - guess I’m a good actor but not really). I cannot nor cannot my words offer you any comfort except that I have also gone thru a tremendous loss as you. i am sorry for your loss - yes, you will adapt to it but you never forget them. No doubt I shed my tears and anguish for her too. Please stay well and know we offer you our heartfelt compassion for you dear Lady!
Herb
Hi Heartbroken, Jules4 and Jacky, we have all been dealt a blow so hard that it seems impossible to get up, knocked down and knocked out!!!. However, we pick ourselves up as none of us seriously wants to stay down and defeated. We can overcome and journey on this most difficult road.
We are something, we are everything despite the loss of our partners. I know you feel without your beloved Heartbroken1 that you are now nothing and life is pointless. Remember before you met your husband you were something I guess that is why he was attracted to you because you meant the world to him. So think again and see if you can get some support there is a lot out there for us bereaved. It is sad that I’ve met so many new people since my husband George died i.e by this site, bereavement groups etc I still cannot believe my husband is no longer here with no more midnight talks, no hugs, no weekends away, no holidays together, no telling me I look beautiful, no shopping together.
no one can compensate for the loss of our lives.
But feeling just like you all do I’ve just watched the BAFTA’s this evening and as they showed the dead in the industry I burst into tears thinking of my George. Death is awful, very awful. and I do keep silently crying like Herb not wanting others to see me crying. However, I still feel that I am the special person as well as my children to make sure George’s legacy continues. Heartbroken1 do it for your loved one, you are what matters now.
Juneie
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Dear Juneie
You said beautiful words and they gave me hope
Jack died nearly 3 years ago - I feel a huge part of me died with him, I am not in shock anymore and I now just feel very sad
However when you said I was something before I met him makes sense and gave me hope
Thank you
Sadie xx
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Morning Sadie, so pleased very pleased. I do not know you but I have every confidence you will get there. Keep posting that’s what we are all hear for to listen and offer what little support we can to each other.
Have a good day.
Juneie
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Dear Juneie
Such beautiful and honest words
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Hello Juneie
How are you coping?
I think I am doing a lil better.
It goes in waves.
Sometimes I feel ok and alright and other times I am in a slump.
I have to remember at all of those times that I am a child of God and that Jesus really loves Me.
Believe it or not but sometimes I forget that.
It’s true for all.
I miss your lil chats.
I really hope things are picking up for you
As you reach for the stars that are next to your George.
Take care
Gary54
Hi Gary54
Nice to hear from you. You are so right it does go in waves. Sometimes I feel great especially when my grand children are around completely takes my mind off the fact that George is not here until King (only 2 years) say’s Grandad is in heaven and then say’s I can’t see him as he looks to the sky. It’s far from an easy road. I’m planning to go back to work and Dr signed me off until June although I asked for a phased return so just need to clarify maybe the Dr feels right now I need to be off. I do a busy front line job in children’s services so need to take things slowly when I return this is not always possible.
We are back at church and I generally attend the 4.30pm service all socially distance, masks etc it’s nice to be out in person much different from life stream.
I am also currently reading a book called IMAGINE HEAVEN by John Burke. It is amazing and I cannot put it down it is backed up with scripture and people (Near Death Experience) it is highly recommended. I think once read we will all prepare for heaven!!!
Gary54 what has happened to us we wouldn’t wish on anyone losing the love of your life, feeling all alone, no one to joke with in the same way, have those cuddles and general banter is so hard to accept.
We are definitely children of God and he see’s the bigger picture. It is comforting to know our love ones are save and with him. My husband knew he would be leaving this earth soon, must have had an idea the way he packed up the children’s personal items passport birth certificate and gave it to them. Tidied his area spotless and put all paper work in order he knew.
Anyway enough of me. The weather is lovely are you getting out and about more, how about eating out? Where is your location again are you in America?
Always great to talk do keep well and yes you are a child of God, he loves you dearly and our purpose on this earth is to fellowship and have that relationship with him.
Take Care
Speak again soon
Hi Juneie
Yes I am in USA.
Yes I have eaten out.
I have been going to a diner on Sunday’s after church with a friend from church.
It seems ok.we wear our masks to enter and leave.
So you think they were aware they were going to pass
Gary was quite quietly agitated. As he didn’t talk much
He looked very worried too. He didn’t share with me, he didn’t want to make me worry.
He was very long suffering
I don’t think that he would have done it differently, like going to the hospital.
He disliked doctors
Thank you for your reply
Hugs
Gary54
Hi Gary54
How similar George was the same was a man of great affection for myself and the children. Although he would also not want to worry me or the children. He did suffer in silence and kept many of his health problems to himself and never shared them which I have since his death found out about. He was also looking agitated before his death, was taken various medication and when I asked him about things shrugged his shoulders and made light of things. I believe George sat many days worrying about leaving us evidence as seen via his lap top etc.
However, he was a man of deep faith and loved the Lord and prepared the way so that today I can proudly say we live comfortably as he left us in a good place.
Hopefully Gary54 we will get to meet one day would be lovely and when things have cleared up with this pandemic you are always invited to London to visit us.
Have a good day Gary54 always a pleasure to share and speak with you. This site is amazing for sharing our stories which helps me greatly to share similar things with you that we are going through so many do not understand.
Thanks for listening and remember you are loved deeply by God. That’s why we have met imagine that.
Juneie
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Hi Juneie
I saw that you have relatives in Barbados.
I was born and raised in Trinidad.
In many ways we have many similarities in the sense of what’s going on. Gary used to make light of his health problems too.
I couldn’t get much info from him about his health.
Thank you for your invite to London.
I may have to meet you in a much finer place, later on.
The concept of me going to London now is wow. How nice… but,
I cannot see that happening.
Are you going to get the covid shot?
I hope I don’t have to
Gary54
Hi Gary54
How lovely you were born in Trinidad my son’s Godmother is from Trinidad. The Dr’s described my husband as stoic…a good word for him as he was insular about serious underlying condition that I was unaware of. My mother was born in Barbados (she’s now 81) my father who is no longer alive was born in St. Vincent.
I have had AstraZeneca in last month and due my 2nd in June I guess. My daughter aged 18 had that same vaccine and she was very bad which frightened me. It may also have been her sickle cell anaemia that made her worse as I have 2 children with sickle cell. (mild form) nevertheless it is painful. When she had hers because she is medically vulnerable she had joint pain, pain in lets, headaches and chest hurting. I really felt for her it put me off greatly and I really didn’t know whether to have the vaccine especially that one. I did have it and experienced nothing at all which is a miracle as I then came to hear about the blood clots situation. I have a condition called thrombocytopenia low platelets which this vaccine can also be tricky in taking. But thanks God nothing happened as everyone I know was praying for me.
Prior to taking the 2nd vaccine my daughter and I will seek advice from the GP.
Anyway Gary54 we need to trust God in all things as no one knows how things will pan out except God.
Once again lovely to speak with you. I feel like we really know each other with similar situations in out grief.
Juneie
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Hi Juneie
So sorry to hear of your daughters reaction to the covid shot.
Happy you are ok.
Yes it will make you feel better after talking to your gp.
I hope your daughter gets over the reactions really soon.
So have you been to the Caribbean?
Where did you grow up?
Take care
Gary54
Hi Gary54
Yeah Miriam is over the reaction now and we are weary of giving her he 2nd dose.
Anyhow I was born in the UK in an army town called Aldershot, Hampshire.
When growing up we travelled yearly to Barbados with my parents. We also travelled to St. Vincent regularly as dad was from there (he is no longer alive.) Barbados is wonderful. My husband was from Ghana and we also travelled their frequently building out house in Ghana and having a celebration party in December 2019 his last time in Ghana so sad he will never get to live in our house with me and enjoy the fruits of his labour I find this so sad. Felt so alone this evening eating dinner on my own. My children eat separately as well although I would sit with George and eat. It is so lonely without him. The GP has extended my bereavement leave so I am off work now until the 6th June 4 days after my birthday …hence my name June. I only add the ie on this site my name is actually June,
I’m pleased I have longer off as returning to front line social work will be too much for me right now.
I guess it is now 8pm in U.S not sure how far ahead/behind in time you are.
Anyway good night it’s 1am here.
june
Hi Juneie
Your life was very similar to mine
My parents were from the u.k.
They moved to Trinidad. I was born there.
Christmas holidays were spent in the grenadines.My dad had a boat, so we would go for weeks at a time
When I was much younger we went to Europe and spent time with our British relatives in the spring months. We also visited Canada.
I am glad your daughter is doing well.
Maybe you should try to eat at least one meal together with your kids, it would help with the aloneness
I mostly eat on the go.
My husbands main meal and only was dinner. We looked at tv when we ate. We spoke very little. I learned to decipher him as the years went on. But probably not enough. He was a good actor.
Sadness creeps in sometimes but as I know it will always be there I try to dismiss it as not to handicap my day. Not so easy but able to do mostly.
Work will come soon enough, your doctor seems like a caring man.
We are 5 hours apart. GMT.
You seem to be doing better every time we chat
Those with Jesus are further ahead in the grieving process.
I do feel sorry for those without Him.
Some people are years into bereavement. So very sad.
Not saying it totally goes away because it does not.
Hugs
Take care
Gary54