That’s exactly how I feel. I’m trying to keep my grief from my daughter as she’s going through it at the same time but differently. She is 24 now just had her 1st birthday without her dad - the firsts are coming thick and fast 
. But if it wasn’t for her I’d check out Of here I’m sure right now. The pain is unbearable, I have the regrets the guilt but no anger as yet. It’s just overwhelmingly being sad all the time and then it hits you like a brick again and again without end. As I write this I’m crying again it’s all I seem to do. I don’t sleep anyway very much but these past 6 weeks are im trying to avoid going to bed. Last night it was 3.30am. Back awake at first light . Then oddly I don’t want to get up. Today it’s warm and sunny. Usually we’d be pottering around in the garden tidying up, deciding which hair brained scheme I had in store for the garden this year but I’m on my own and the garden doesn’t really matter anymore as he won’t be in it this year. And this is his my life is now. Stay strong I’m sure we’ll get there but just not yet x
Hi
I lost my husband nine weeks today and I am totally lost without him . We enjoyed the garden together and I’m not sure how I will cope in the summer looking after it without him . I will feel he should be there with me . It’s so hard but I’m so glad I have joined this site, knowing that we can all share our thoughts with people that understand.
Thank you. I don’t think I could ever leave our home., the way I feel now. It’s been a wonderful happy home and the only one my daughter has ever known. I’m very comforted in the fact that it’s quite normal not to HAVE to sort through my husbands clothes etc. And feel less stressed knifing I’m not the only one to feel there’s no need to do it and certainly not in a given time. Right now every single thing I do it move feels wrong because he’s not here to run it by and I feel something as silly as swapping the crockery round cos I can’t reach the top shelf ( which wasn’t an issue when he was here ) so I can reach it easily is in someway moving on and not keeping him at the forefront of my mind. I know it irrational but I can’t bring myself to move those plates. It’s taken me til yesterday to contact the bank, necessity forced me to do it but had that not been the case I have no idea when I would have told them. It’s just a little bit more I’ve lost of hIm that I don’t want to let go
Thank you for the poem, I have put it in my journal to read on the dark days xx
Thank you, these past fees data have been really awful. My daughter is not coping at all. I’ve looked at cruse but can’t bring myself to contact them - half of me finds comfort in here and the other half thinks maybe I need face to face help ( which obviously can’t happen at the moment) I just don’t know. I do know my daughter needs face to face and soon. I can’t help her cos I’m in the same dark space she is. Last night at 2am shes here in my room sobbing her heart out and telling me she can’t go on and I feel exactly the same. We are not sleeping or eating properly. Neither of us are able to accept the fact he has gone and won’t be coming back, it’s a mountain neither of us seem to be able to climb when will we stop feeling like this?!
I’d always thought both of us were quite strong, we had something happen to us as a family a few years ago and came through ok as I thought but now I can see we didn’t really deal with it properly at all and losing her dad, my husband we definitely are not dealing with this at all. We are a close little family unit and without him we do not function. I do want to be able to help her through this but feel my own grief is making her worse.
Thank you. It is a comfort to know there is life after We were together all of my adult life and had 34 years of memories and love and I know how lucky I am to have that I just want it to continue forever and I know that’s daft but I can’t help feeling that way. I’m just so sad all of the time. I’m doing everyday things but tears are always just there waiting and I feel so panicked as well when I think of that night
Hi Sheila, it’s been a couple of weeks since I spoke to you. Have things changed for me? Not really, but having read a lot on this forum about how others are suffering I don’t feel quite as alone as I did.
It really is a cruel world when we are all left so utterly devastated with no apparent end to the pain. I understand what you say about living a “different life”, but it’s not one that any of us really want - but what is the alternative? The only thing I can do is to get through each day and cope with the awful pain that grips me many times on a daily basis. Maybe it will diminish over time, so we’ll see. I’m trying some of the things you suggest (like talking to Anne while looking at a picture of her), but that is really, really hard to do.
The only thing I can offer to others in the forum is to accept that how we feel is normal, there is no single route that works for us all - we are all different - but our memories are the same - and the pain we feel is the same as the pain felt by many others.
Lastly, and largely as a result of your counselling, I am making a determined effort to try and be more positive and think of all the good things that we had over 50 years. At the moment I’m having no success but it gives me something to focus on rather than feel like I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning.
As Spring approaches and the threat of C-19 diminishes perhaps my mood might lift a little.
Keep up the good work and keep safe.
Bill_B
I’m so sorry this happens , it’s so true that you never understand the level of pain until it happens to you. I now feel so bad for my mum when my dad died. I truly understand what she went through and now as I’m going through it I see really see the heartache she continues to suffer every single day but up until I lost Tom I never knew that’s how she lived. On the outside she appears to be coping but I now know those long days and nights must be so painful for her and she’s been on her own for as long as I’ve been with Tom ( my dad died a couple of months after my 18th) What a cruel world we live in . I will think of you often and send you good wishes x
Dear Sheila (Lonely)
This platform is new for me and such a source of strength to share experiences and be encouraged. I draw parallels with your situation. My mum was 47 when my dad died aged 52. She is now 80 never married again. It is only now that my dear George has died aged 65 and myself 59 that I have been speaking to her more about dad’s death. What she must have gone through a lot all those years ago losing my dad. She said there was no counselling around and everyone just said she was strong. She went back to work straight away as a midwife. Today things are very different in that respect. I guess I never really knew what she went through. I also never saw her cry. However, I do a lot of crying in front of my children everything makes me cry the simple mention of his name. I guess we never know what someone is going through. My situation has brought it all back for my mum who rings me every evening such a strong supportive woman.
This forum is so necessary my mother never had this.
Thanks for sharing
Juneie
My mum was the same. I’m astounded at his age coped and she never cried in front of us kids. I can’t stop crying. My 24yr old daughter couldn’t sleep again last night and came into me at half 2 this morning. All we ever do is cry. It’s been 7 weeks now since I lost my husband and it doesn’t feel real still.
Heartbroken1
It is so healing to speak with you. To say it as it is. No one knows how painful this loss is I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, although this platform has shown there are many of us. I feel it is healthy to cry so you cry as I’m told crying releases a specific hormone for healing. Better to let grief out be is screaming, shouting whatever. We walk this new road and like me I’m sure you feel so lonely as despite have my daughter 18 and 3 son’s older living at home they are company but they are not my husband. Heartbroken1 we have a long road ahead and it will never seem real. I keep feeling that George will come home soon it’s like a massive dream…I wish it was. Please try and get some sleep sounds like your daughter really needs you at this time.
Juneie
Hello
I wish I screamed at Martin to not go back to work, he was a bus driver with underlying health issues.
He was diagnosed with COPD 18 years ago, he never received treatment for it over the years and he never spoke about it so I forgot he had it until he told the paramedics when they came and took him to hospital with covid. I wished I packed my bags and left him when he kept going to work, this might of made him think this is serious and stop going to work.
Thinking of everyone xx
I know what you mean Sheila, I lost my dad in 93 while pregnant with my eldest son, my mum in 2006, my brother in 2017 due to sepsis, and my husband in November. Now he has gone it’s like losing the others all over again, because there’s no-one left who knew my parents or brother when they were well.
Hi Sheila
So sorry for your multiple losses.
I lost husband in the blink of an eye.
Heart attack.
Right in front of me.
My whole world turned upside down.
Hi
Yes and we have to live the rest of our life picking up the pieces.
It will get better and things will be more bearable.
I am told it will never go away, it just becomes like a scar of which we endured. Scars are always with us.
Memories of good and sad.
Somebody once told me
That sometimes people live their whole life alone never meeting their one true love. One thing that I can say as we both and all the people on this site did find true love.
That’s a great thing,
but a sad thing that they are not with us today
I am a believer that everything happens for a reason.
God truly knows. He is the one in charge, and that gives me comfort, I hope it does the same for you.
Take care feel better
G
Hi trac it’s 19 months for me still have good and bad days I have learnt to have a public face but deep down I miss my wife desperately lots think I should be over it but I don’t think you ever get over it you learn to live with it
Thank you for your reply I must agree with you I no long look to the future the past is more important to me I have not interest at work just function and at the end of the day my thoughts are one day closer
Hi Newb - I find it exhausting sometimes having the public face but like you I am learning how to do it. It amazes me that people expect you to be fine after six months and cant understand why you aren’t back to yourself. I find myself isolating sometimes just to feel some peace that I can just be me --who I am now.
Lovely
Thank you for sharing.
G
I too feel exactly the same. It’s 32 weeks since I lost my darling Ken. I am surrounded by his photos and none of his possessions have been moved. My two sons are so wonderful despite them living so very far away. FaceTime has been wonderful for us to keep in touch.
I have Ken’s ashes on the hearth with a photograph of him, which gives me comfort that he is here with me.
I have no idea how long this journey is but my heart is broken, I struggle to sleep, I find eating a chore and there is a permanent lump in my throat, which bursts and my grief tumbles out uncontrollably.
My siblings think it’s ok to distract me with inane conversation when the effort to listen is too great. I too just want to be on my own with my thoughts, I am so frightened that I will forget our wonderful 38 years together. So many memories that I need to be alone.
This site is wonderful to express our feelings knowing that others feel the same way. Thinking about everyone who has lost their loved ones.