Dear Sheila, you and Peter must have looked quite the dashing and stylish couple! What a super memory, all dolled up and off dancing in Blackpool.I so wish that I had more photographs of myself and Alan together. So often when we went places we were too busy looking around and enjoying ourselves that we rarely stopped and took photos or even took a camera out with us. Another regret. Of course, so much easier now with cameras in phones but when we could have used our mobiles our world had ‘shrunk’ so much - though I do have a photo of him having chemo! I think that we all cry for so many different reasons - what we have lost, what our loved ones are missing, loss of our futures as we imagined and hoped them to be, getting older, lost youth and opportunity - and in my case ,fear of facing everything alone. Endless, countless reasons.
Dear Bunny88
Yes we have very similar circumstances. My husband was diagnosed on the 17th of November and taken into hospital on the 18th. I felt like that’s when my grieving began . It was so hard not being able to see him. I remember dropping his stuff off to him and just crying because I couldn’t see him.
He came home on the 3rd of December and was taken back in on the 10th of December because he was so ill . I pleaded with them to let me see him but again said no and when I got home the hospital phoned me to say they have moved him to a room on his own and I could spend as much time as I wanted with him. I was with him when he passed away three days later .
Dear KimG, what an absolute nightmare you had to endure! Not only the terrible shock of the diagnosis but then not being able to spend time with your husband. The experts call what you experienced ‘anticipatory grief ‘ and when someone, the person you live with , is suddenly ‘removed’ and you can’t see them, it is just like they have suddenly ‘died’ - one minute at home, the next in hospital. And you can’t be with them. I know that I experienced the same feelings. Such an horrendous time. But I am so glad that you were able to spend the last few days with your husband though.
Dear Sheila,
I had completely forgotten about the street photographers at the seaside! So few people then would have been able to aspire to owning a camera and both the films and developing them were expensive . We take so much for granted now.
So many lovely memories to read from you, Sheila and so much heartbreak over our loss.
It has been 9 months now since my David, passed away. We had just marked our 30th Wedding Anniversary. Still can’t believe that we had been cycling round Thailand in November 2019 and then he began to feel a bit uncomfortable in December. He had his first blood test on December 19th and then passed away 5 months later from Bile Duct cancer. I didn’t even know there was such a thing! I feel that I have a huge void in my life but like many here have been making myself get out and do things. I even had a week with less tears.I think she sunshine really helped. However, David loved being in the garden and I am determined to keep it looking good. It was good to get out to cut the grass during the week and I am spending today planting bulbs for summer colour. The pain is so huge to be in the garden without him, just when you think you are dealing with things the grief becomes overwhelming. Tears will come a lot today but I feel his presence in the garden and want to spend time there to keep him close to me.
Loving thoughts to you all as you face each day without your loved one. I know I am blessed to have had such love in my life.
Hello again Alston, I came across your post today, (I know I wrote you before and I appreciated your kind comments). I lost my lovely wife of 8 years in 2019. Like you, I feel a very deep sense of loss, and yes, I too would love to go to sleep and not wake up in this world. I also face a world of isolation and loneliness — even with family and the few friends I have left, I don’t seem to feel like I belong (that doesn’t mean I don’t make the effort but is is short lived). There were a few times that I sat with them for a luncheon, but it seemed they all ignored me or spoke like I wasn’t there. Isn’t it amazing that it’s like this now? Well, as I thought about it more it seems like when our mates died, a big part of us must have gone with them. (At least I feel this way). I don’t know how to explain it but its like I’m either not here or they are not in tune with me. I find myself seeking God more and asking Him to help me to get thru this as my thoughts and mind are remembering the way my wife would talk, sing, cook, and ask my opinion on just about everything! How I miss that! I must say that she was everything to me.
My house is barren now, I mean it’s set up the way she loved it. I’m just trying to keep myself and my life occupied. Just wanted to remind you that someone out here read and understands how you feel. (That was me in this case). I appreciated your input and thoughts - it helps me to sort out what others seemed to have missed. Hoping the best for you my friend.
Hope to hear from you again.
Herb
Hello Herb I was intrigued by your comment you find yourself seeking God more to help you through. I also seek God and I know the strength of people’s prayers at this time as I feel a sense of peace daily. This is not to say that the loss of my husband only 7 weeks ago is not alive and with me it is very much. The crying at nights, lack of sleep and little appetite is testimony to that like everyone on this site. However, I feel God taking care and sorting out the finance and helping me to manage everything that my husband used to do. I believe it is only God why I have not gone crazy and he alone has helped the children in their 20’s be at peace with each other helping us all at this difficult time.
Juneie
Hi Juneie
Yes I am with you with seeking God in our devastating journey of being alone. It is a comfort in our very present time of need
Many people don’t realize that there is a Holy Spirit to help us. The people that do know seldom talk about it too others. Some people treat others as a nut case when sharing about spiritual help.
I know without God it would have much more difficult.
When my dad passed I had a certain strength that I could not explain. I know it was the Holy Spirit.
Love G
Thanks Gary for that message. I am a believer and not everyone has a faith so on an open forum as this it is nice to come across someone who has mentioned the name of God. I’ve just watched my life stream church service and what you have said was the message today. So confirmation to me that in my hour of need on this awful awful journey of grief in losing my husband God alone is my strength and I can confidently say that he took George out of his pain as he had a physical condition that I wasn’t fully aware of. I have to say God is in control and he will bring strength to us in our moment of need. We cannot do it of ourself and need the Holy Spirit you are very right.
Thanks for bringing your honesty.
Juneie
Juneie
May God always be there for you
And your healing be real soon
Love G
Thank you
Juneie
Dear @Greencat1950 / Herb,
So many of your words just click with me, I find myself nodding my head in agreement as I read them. I’m not sure I fully realised how much I depended on my wife to give me the strength to do things, until after I had lost her. I recall making a post ages ago basically saying that my sphere of comfort had shrunk from almost infinity to about 6 inches around my body. I was (and still am) scared and frightened of a life without my wife, about finances and becoming ill (although I have been fortunate enough never to have had a serious illness). With my wife at my side, I felt as if I could achieve anything I needed to do for either or both of us. But now, well, I just don’t see the point anymore. You are so right - a huge piece of us does die at the same time of their passing. I remember thinking that on the day - total disbelief that she had passed and, selfishly, total fear about how I was going to cope without her, as she was such a huge part of me and my life.
Like you, our house (I still often use “our” rather than “my”, the latter just doesn’t seem right) is no longer a home, just a house. It does hold a lot of memories for me though because for better or worse it is the house we lived in for the longest time, 19½ years at the time of my wife’s passing. Apart from one or two items, the house is pretty much the way it was the day she passed. And that’s hugely important for me, because it makes me feel like she’s still around. I was explaining this to my counsellor last week. Before the hearse came to our house on the day of my wife’s funeral, a friend and I spent the previous few days tidying up the greenery on our front drive, and cleaning the rear patio. I washed our two cars too, because I wanted Nicki’s in particular to be in a nice condition, because she loved driving it. I wanted the exterior of the house to look nice for Nicki’s final visit, if that makes sense. When the counsellor asked me why I wanted the house interior to be virtually unchanged, in contrast to the exterior, I said that it was because I wanted it to be familiar for Nicki, to be the place that she knew. Strange how our minds can work at times. I still have food and drinks in our fridge which my wife liked, and I just can’t bear to throw them out yet. I think, as you say, that is one reason why we feel out of step with others who don’t fully understand. I would gladly talk about my wife to anyone who knew her and was prepared to listen.
I realise we are all different and trying to manage in whatever ways we can, but it is reassuring to know that others are thinking in some similar manners, however odd they might be. The makeup of my personality makes it difficult to deal with strong emotional issues, I have known this since I was a teenager, and I just know that I’m going to struggle with this worst of circumstances. But at the end of the day, I’m on my own now and I no longer care, I’m simply marking time.
It’s always good to hear from you, Herb, keep posting and take care, my friend.
Alston
Reading your post brought a lump to my throat 
as you say we all grieve differently… the week before my husband’s funeral last June me and our children got the garden sorted looking lovely front and back also outside on the grass verge.we have only lived here 5 years on the 23rd of this month but David revamped the garden… and inside the bungalow aswell …I’m glad we moved here as I can manage this garden,as the last house which David loved was too big for us and nearly an acre of garden.we were married 45 years it would have been 46yrs on 22nd of March … I still can’t believe he’s not here… I take one of his photos to bed at night and talk to him … telling him how much I love him …but it’s not the same of course.
We must get through this storm slowly … I do have the children close by thank goodness.I don’t know what I would do without them 
Only 12 weeks since I lost my wonderful husband . Not as long as some who write on this particular thread but so much of what you all say resonates with me. I feel that we deserve some sort of medal for getting through another week. At the start of this week I really didn’t think that I would manage to get to Friday. Yet, amidst the constant despair, the crippling loneliness, the endless tears and the seemingly utter pointlessness of every single thing and too many glasses of wine I did. And now , having achieved that monumental task,I have to start all over again and endure yet another empty weekend. It’s not as though I don’t have things I could and should be doing. I forced myself to tackle some of the endless paperwork today but it took every ounce of willpower to concentrate . I feel as though I’m wading through treacle every single day.
Hi Bunny, you deserve a medal for getting through every minute of every day. It’s agony! I am ten months on from losing my lovely husband and have been making myself get up, go out and do something pretty much every day, but it’s hard and exhausting. I finished work tonight and have come home shut the door to have peace to cry, drink something and just generally be sad. Whatever you have done is an achievement so give yourself a huge pat on the back. Be kind to yourself, rest a lot and remember you are not alone even though it feels like it.
Dear Dal27, thank you for your reply and your kind words of encouragement. But what is terrifying is that you are now 10 months on from losing your losing your lovely partner - and yet you still describe it as ‘agony’. Where does your strength come from to keep you going day by day? I can’t even imagine how I am going to endure tomorrow.
I am thinking the same I am 5 weeks losing my man to COVID and I sob uncontrollably and I am so lonely and lost I couldn’t bear to hurt like this for a year,
Grief is the most unbearable pain I was not prepared for,
Virtual hugs
Julie
Dear @Bunny88,
I am just over 34 weeks down the line, and I understand exactly what you mean about getting through a day, least of all an entire week.
In the first couple of weeks after my wife passed, I was a total emotional wreck and only survived it because of help from two very, very good friends. I was in a daze. That feeling that your life has fallen apart in a matter of moments, and yes, the overwhelming despair which just engulfs you. I found the only way I could deal with paperwork or anything relating to my wife’s passing was to just do one thing in a day, not even every day. There are some things I still need to sort even after all this time, and I will, but in due course. I recall cancelling a magazine subscription which my wife had only taken out a couple of months before she passed and just dealing with that phone call was all I could manage that day. As usual, I was in tears after the call too. Every action just felt as though I was cutting a little more of her out of my life, and it hurt so, so much.
On the day my wife passed, I spent that night alone, totally distraught and wondering how on earth I was going to cope without the most important person in my life. I spent my nights laid on my reclining chair, and was unable to sleep until the fourth night. I spent another night on my own about three days later and I just didn’t know how I was going to cope with the silence and the loneliness. I was literally terrified.
I still find myself struggling most days, but I feel that is because of the type of personality I have. So I find it difficult to offer words of encouragement, but just remember that everyone is different, and deal with things in different ways and in different timescales.
The strength comes from getting up every day and doing something. In my mind if I can keep doing that then the ‘ agony’ will lessen. I can’t lie the void in my life is huge, but I have made myself do all the healthy/ healing things, go out, walk, exercise, have early nights, make healthy choices, sign up to many wellness sites. It’s not exciting but routine does help.
Hi Dal27 like Bunny 88 you have achieved more than you know so do not underestimate your achievements. I can look forward to success in the future by reading both of your stories. It is so very hard being alone. I am 8 weeks into the loss of my husband and feel it every moment, everyday missing him like crazy. I have signed up for lots and lots of support. I am an all day zoom call tomorrow for widows. I have 1:1 counselling with Sue Ryder and I have joined other bereavement groups. I also intend to be going away for a couple of weekends again for bereavement. I feel that I need healing at this time. I have achieved sorting out the finances as my husband generally did it all so I am having to get used to many new things. Good to hear Bunny doing pretty healthy things so important to do self-care you matter. Anyway thanks to both of you your an inspiration.
Juneie