You know Alyson, something my sister said to me shortly after losing my partner of 40 years in June 22 was Once you get over all of the 1sts it will become easier to cope with. It will never ever be quite the same but you will learn to live with the changes. We are never prepared are we. We will have waves of emotion, sometimes a trickle from behind our eyes & others like gushing uncontrolled waterfalls. So if you feel like a good cry go on, If you feel like talking to your husband at any time Day or Night go on, do so. I do and in a strange way I fel better for it. Do whatever you feel is right for you. You will never be alone and there will always be some one to talk to if you need a vital chat or pick me up.
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It was 5 mos Jan 5 that my beloved husband died. If any of you have experienced Alzheimerâs, you know what he, I and us as a couple went through. He tried so hard. Everyday since then is an emotional challenge. Friends and family donât talk about the loss so much now. I know it is hard for them. But what about me? We didnât have children, nor do we live near family. We had an amazing life. Now pain, agony and sadness are my constant companions. A large part of me died with him. The weight of it all is so heavy. I donât have a backpack big enough to carry the weight.
Somehow, someway must move on.
Peace and love
Karen
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@Karetired
You must talk about him all you want so do that here if nobody else seems to.
I talk about my Richard every day and to everyone. If they donât like it they are too polite to say. 
Our loved ones are a part of us so how could we NOT talk about them. They are half of who we were.
I am a physio by profession so in my working life have dealt with dementia. The saddest part about that illness is that you lose them twice.
Sending love and hugs. xxx
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My husband passed 2 months ago ⌠Things seem to be getting harder?
All I want is to have him back.
It hurst so much and never felt so alone.
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Hi @Kel2 Very early days for you still. I canât believe that on 25th of this month it will be 9 months since I lost my beloved husband. I do think the initial shock protects you in a way and afterwards the enormity of a life stretching out ahead without them begins to hit. Maybe you are only emerging from the shock and numbness now. Grief has so many aspects to it and it is not a preset path. We are all here as we are in the same journey without our loved one but our pathways may be different from each otherâs.
Be kind to yourself and remeber the wise words a friend told me - whatever you are feeling now is exactly what you should be feeling.
Hugs xxx
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My Paul died suddenly on 13th Dec aged 65. Walked out the door for work, said, "Love you, see you later. Collapsed at a customers house and died after emergency 5hr operation at Addenbrookes on his brain.
Its a lonely life without our loved ones. All of us have had such a life change.
After the funeral, I agree, everyone gets on with their business and we get forgotten.
I have cried daily. I wish this pain would stop
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I share your feelings completely. I too didnât want 2022 to end because my husband was still with me until September and I too found the thought of starting a year knowing he would not be with me unbearable.
After 51 years together I wasnât with him when he passed away and that is so so hard.
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I wasnât with my husband either so I share that pain. Itâs so hard after such a long time together and difficult to find others who understand. At least this group means we can share thoughts which hopefully helps us all a little bit.
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So sorry to hear about your husband. I read today that crying relieves stress and tension. Iâve cried so much itâs been as if I couldnât stop. Yesterday was a very bad day for me and today Iâve felt thereâs no purpose to anything any more. Itâs a shame the help resources seem to only be online or via zoom or phone calls rather than meeting one another.
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Sorry thought I was replying to you but my response has ended up below instead!
Thank you.
I know I should probably not be so hard on myself⌠I feel i let him down and am such a failure ⌠Honestly donât know.
I think whatâs hurting more is âfriendsâ have been sending me photos (via messenger/whatâs app etc - direct to me, not in a group) of them with their husbands/wives and saying theyâve had a lovely night out - I appreciate their lives go on and am happy for them to still have their partners. But why would they do that? (Knowing Iâve only just lost my husband)
I just reply lovely photo, glad you had a good time.
Then I breakdown because I donât have that. I wonât hear him tell me he loves me, wonât get a hug, wonât have photos together anymore x
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I have a friend who sends me messages every day telling me about her social activities. I donât want her life to change but I wish she could accept that mine has. Sheâs a long-standing friend and sheâs always been single so she cannot possibly imagine how I feel but I sense itâs going to be a struggle to stay friends. I tried to explain how I felt the other day but she found it upsetting and hurtful. All I wanted her to realise is that our lives took different courses so sometimes we wonât totally understand one another, Iâve heard others say friendships change after bereavements but itâs an extra layer of sadness we could all do without.
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Last week I spent a few days away with my best friend and while we were away her husband rang her to check how things were going. It was just a brief call but I got so upset because in that moment it really hit me that I would never ever get a phone call from my husband asking how my break was going, what the weather was like and other simple questions. My friend gave me a hug, we cried together and although I wasnât âokayâ she totally understood why it had made me so sad.
The break probably was too soon as I had chosen to go to a place that my husband and me often stayed. While he was ill with mesothelioma and we knew there was no further treatment he made me promise that I would carry on enjoying breaks and holidays after he had gone. Some well meaning friends and family keep telling me âYou have done the first one now so thatâs the worstâŚ.â I know they mean well but how can I tell them that no matter how many things I do whether for the first or the twentieth it will always hurt without him.
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i feel the same, lost my partner 7 weeks ago and the thought of a year without him feels me with fear.The pain is awful and i keep crying,i dont want to go out i just want to have my old life back
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I am so sorry for your loss. There is no good time to lose someone but to have lost your partner at such an emotional time of year was cruel. 7 weeks is so early in your bereavement but I no longer think of whatâs ahead, I live only in the day and try to tackle the many tasks one at a time and give myself time to try to treasure the memories and to live each day for the partner I lost because he didnât have this day, so I must live it for him. Go to places he loved and remember the good times that were. Recovery is slow and I had to learn to enjoy thinking of him and the best times we had together. Treasure every memory and take him with you. You still have your old life in your memory, try not to think of it in sadness but as something which is still yours, thatâs where the love still exists, to recall whenever you need strength. I wish you peace and strength for the battle ahead, xxx
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Jan71
My mother and my sister died at 6,30am on New Yearâs Eve, two years apart. My sister died first and when midnight came, it was so painful, it felt like I was leaving her behind in the old year. The thought of a year in my life in which she had never lived had such a profound effect on me that I never wanted to feel that way again. When fate played the cruel trick with my mother dying at exactly the same time on the same day two years later, at least I was prepared and arranged to be together with my family to remember them both. That was 30 years ago. In 2022 my husband of 37 years died on 2nd June and after drowning in my grief for a little while, I realised what would happen at New Year and made plans and prepared. I went with my younger daughter to visit my older daughter and we kept busy so that it would not be so lonely and sad. It still felt painful but sharing it made it less lonely. We still have the anniversary next June and it is my 70th birthday 17 days later, so I am planning time away with my daughters so that we can remember him together and quietly pass my birthday. I took some of his ashes with me for New Year to spread them where he had spent happy times and will do so in June. If you donât have relatives who spent happy times with him then choose his close friends because they will be feeling it too. I wish you peace and strength for the future. xxx
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@Kel2
Iâm sorry to say but sending photos of time with their partners seems tactless at the very least. I can perfectly understand why you would find that upsetting.
Sending love. xxx
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Friendships do change after losing loved one. My beloved husband died Aug 5. We retired in a wonderful community and were active in lots of things. After he died, all that has faded away. I have neighbors that want to detail the trips they have been on and about their upcoming trips. It takes all I have not to break down crying as they are talking. I wish people would stop and think. I can no longer make those memories with my sweet husband. I hate to say this but someday they will understand.
Love and peace, Karem
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It is really hurtful and as you say one day sadly they will feel our hurt. I just hope that from now on I can be more empathetic with anyone whoâs had a bereavement.
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