Yes you are right, I went back to work probably too early but in my head it was distraction, broke my heart every night since when I get home, I am in a company that I am more a leader than a follower so it brings its stress at times I have rhumatism in my hip that has been getting worse. My daughter lives about two hours away so she has come home a couple of times and I have been to hers a couple of times in the last six months, my son lives at most a mile away not visited me since the funeral but I have popped to there’s after shopping. They say because of covid he decided to decorate his kitchen and I got a txt message can I replace his worktops, did it at his last house, did there decking at there presant house re placed his floor in one of the bedrooms replaced a radiator in one of his rooms re plastered a wall. So I lost it no help for me at all over the years had to do it myself or ask a mate if I needed th odd lift. I said where is my support? Got some help with the funeral and some financial help with my financial advisor because I could not take anything in at the time. I was wrong to loose it but I feel it is all take no give so now maybe I have lost him his wife and my two grandchildren. Never had that bond I have with my dad he has said things that has torn my heart in two. I am not perfect by any means but it is obvious to me I have problems but being virtually on my own for 6 months has not helped. All things in the state of mind I am in builds up and I am embarrassed to say it blew last night I feel ashamed embarrassed, discusted with myself. The world I have… We have been thrown into is a nightmare every day.
Ron
Ron
You have done a lot for your son, you haven’t lost him
his wife and grandchildren, your in grief and it takes a dreadful toll on us mentally and physically.
You really need to slow down, take time of work and think about you. Could you pop over to see your daughter again or ring her, can you talk about your wife, her mum together. Family find it difficult to talk as they fear upsetting each other. I always have to initiate conversation about my Martin to family, sometimes my mum-in-law changes the subject but my boys talk about their dad.
I find it gets harder as the weeks pass, this is grief, we have to climb the mountain, its hard work but we can do it. Nothing will be the same but we carry our grief with us and build a life with our grief.
Even if you feel really low Ron just come on here, people don’t judge as we all know how you feel, we listen to each other rant and rave as that’s what grief does to us.
Sending hugs
Amy x
@Ron
I understand it’s probably not what you wanted .
But look.
You,like all of us tried it your way , so it’s time to try another way.
We’re all proud of you and are all behind you .
The most important thing is YOU SOUGHT HELP
No shame in that at all .
Now rest and be kind to yourself
Mick 
Ron, you cannot get over loving someone so deeply without an awful lot of grief. That is ok. That is normal. That is love. If people don’t understand that then that is for them to think about. Try showing them the website refugeingrief.com - one part of it is for those supporting someone who has lost their soulmate. I signposted my sister to it and she said it helped her to know how to support me. The other part is for those grieving like us. The writer of it lost her life partner - she gets it.
Sending hugs
I’m so glad we have each other to talk too . I’ve worked from home since January and lost Danny in the December. I’m now back in the office from next week with my other colleagues.
I’m not sure how I will get through it , knowing at certain points of my journey I would phone Danny to say traffic okay and love you loads .
This is so hard for all of us and it’s another first for me . My husband kept strong from his diagnosis and I feel that I need to keep strong for him . Our spouses/partners would be heartbroken if they knew how we felt now so we still need to keep going for them .
I’m fortunate that I have a great family support but I truly believe unless you have experienced it and have suffered like us , you will never understand how painful it is
@Ron please do not beat yourself up. None of us are perfect. Most of us have things we wish we had done differently in life, and we all wish we could cope better. Sounds like you have been holding things in and then just lost it. I do think unfortunately on the whole our generation have created fairly selfish children. Before anyone says their children are not selfish I know there are still some wonderful children out there that will drop everything straight away to help their parents, but there are a lot of people that have children that are “too busy.” I just think that a lot of us were quite poor as youngsters, and as we grew up there was quite a lot of opportunity out there and we gradually started having more spending money, possessions and gadgets, and a lot of us spoiled our children too much, did too much for them, and created entitlement and selfishness. Your son may realise that maybe he should have given more back to you, particularly in recent months, or he may not. You sound like you have always tried to be there to help when needed. Unfortunately being a parent didn’t come with a fail safe instruction book.
Work is an odd thing. It does give some distraction and interaction, but the stress of having to work and deal with others and complex situations is also difficult. There is no shame in asking for help. I was close to trying to get signed off again last week, but I am now in such a mess and so behind at work (a lot of my job wasn’t covered when I had a few months off just after bereavement, and I haven’t been up to speed since I went back) that I daren’t have time off in case they realise what a mess I am in. I need to keep my job so am working like a Trojan at the moment to try and clear the backlog. No point in me being prescribed tablets. I would forget to take them. Always used to forget to take the contraceptive pill. Ha ha wondered how I ended up with 30 kids!
Anyway back to you - possibly the family event you attended recently has compounded the feeling of aloneness and loss. You have the dreaded 6 months timeframe as well, and your rheumatics are painful. Are you under a rheumatology department? If so please ring them and tell them you need some help for the pain. If not, please ask your GP to refer you. As well as everything else you have going on, pain is debilitating and will get you down and make you feel depressed.
Please keep in touch with us all. We are hurting with you Ron, and will try and give you support.
Everything you said is true, I have done my best with what I have got, tried to be there for everyone but I just got it in my head who is there for me? A vidio call is not support, I am alone apart from my little pug, so was no threat to anyone with covid and also I have already had it, there is my dad who is now in a nursing home which now needs sorting financially, myself and my wife had power of attorney as my sister and brother in law was not on the scene at the time (as they fell out with my dad and me and Beverley) so I have that cross to bear but I do now have support with my sister and brother in law, not realising I have now got depression, constant physical pain from my hip, I think I went into overload. You was right on the button with the family event, all I could see was this loving family all stood together as one and my son quite rightly in the middle, I was alone, I did not want to go but I felt I had too Beverley would have loved to be there, I did it and regretted it as I felt so alone even though they welcomed me with open arms. Now for hopefully the good news I have now realised I have to get myself into order, now on pain killers prescribed by the doctor, not trying to self medicate with over the counter stuff that was making me more ill, trying antidepressants (bit worried about them but have to give it ago) and sort myself out me being the priority for a change, took a few days off work to rest myself try to dustmyself down. I am still in grief but always will be but now I have to get it under control. All big words I hope I can sort out my task ahead. I do have something to look forward too now and that is a Northwest meet up with some fellow sufferers off this site,. I hope it all goes well, I think it will be easier to talk than write it down.
Ron x x
@Ron You really do have a lot going on right now .
Take your time in trying to sort out things that you feel you have do.
Rome wasn’t built in a day and all that.
You need time to heal a bit .
Grief will never leave us , it’ll always be there, we just have to move on somehow with it
Take care mate
I started writing this a few hours ago then got distracted with the bloody bins, which I have been meddling with for about two hours to do what would have taken René about 30 minutes. Changed all the cat litter toilets and hauled three heavy bin sacks all outside to the green bin (which Rene would disapprove of as it’s supposed to go in black bin and he was particular about the right thing going in the right bin but there is never any room anymore as i can’t go to the tip as cant drive so i just stuff it all where i can and feel bad about that too but give up), Retrieved the new cat litter from the black bin where the strong amazon man thoughtfully stuffed it when i didn’t answer the door last night as i was still in self made rehab from my life at Mums. So had to wipe maggots off myself and nearly fell head first in trying to get the 15l bag out. Hauled all the bottles/cans to the brown bin.
Then finally I have to lock up the blue bin as René installed a lock for it after local kids smoked our blue bin twice as the local kids believe blue bin gets you high… i found I had washed the keys in the washing machine by mistake after leaving them in my pocket… anyway… I am obsessed with these bins now and that was the highlight of my day today.
I’ve been thinking about you Ron and hoping you’re still there. The sad fact is even when people are helping us with tasks (as in my case) it still feels extremely lonely and actually sometimes I lash out at them in my head as even all the help isn’t enough somehow (I know… i feel ashamed of myself often). You don’t even have that help I have so I cannot imagine…
The antidepressants (at least Citalopram) don’t work immediately from the first few pills, they are not like paracetamol or something, it takes a few weeks for them to slowly take the good effect.
The side effects start more quickly however and that is what makes the first weeks difficult as your body adjusts and learns to cope. I think it took 2 pills/days before I was feeling weirder than my normal weird. I had headaches, nausea and general tiredness and couldn’t eat/sleep. If there is anything you can do (stay with someone or prepare by buying very easy to eat food that requires no prep like scotch eggs sausage rolls or whatever you like best) to make that first week a bit easier than usual that may help you.
I am hoping to come to the NW Meet up and see you if i get the guts together for it. It’s the journey freaking me out though (another of my new obsessions along with the bins is travelling anywhere, it all gets me so anxious now what used to be easy with René).
Hoping you managed to eat today, get some rest even if you can’t sleep. The goal for now is just survive and try to give your body what it needs just for a few weeks until hopefully the pills will help your body give you back some of what you need to make things slightly less difficult. Thinking of you x
I just had the overwhelming feeling that I need to talk to my wonderful husband, I need to hold his hand, I need him to hug me. How do we get over these feelings? I don’t think I ever will. I can’t ‘get used’ to him not being here.
@Jules4
I understand this.
I talk to Venetia all around the house and remember so many things and occasions .
But the thought that I will no longer be able to hold her,feel her presence,feel her warmth,her touch,hear her voice etc. is so hard.
I accept now she’s gone, but knowing I will never experience those feelings again is something I still haven’t accepted.
I still have nearly full bottle of her perfume.
I spay a little on her pillow sometimes so I can smell her at night .
My husband’s pillow still smells of him. He never really used aftershave or anything so I’m dreading when the smell of him has gone. Every day is so hard without his touch. The ombré it goes on the harder it seems to get.
*longer (that should be)
@Ron been thinking about you today, and hoping you may be feeling a bit more positive. Our best with what we have is all we can do Ron.
What sort of dog have you got? You said it is a pug. Is it a well behaved dog, or has it got a crazy side? Pugs do seem to have a quirky nature. I haven’t got a dog, but years ago looked after my mum’s dog when she went on holiday, and I sometimes look after my daughter’s dog. He is a pest, but cute with it, and will happily walk for miles, although he is always glad to get indoors if it is raining.
@FleurDeLis crikey you are nuttier than me! Ha ha some of your antics are quite entertaining to read about, although at times must be very frustrating for you to deal with. Green bins, black bins, blue bins with locks, maggoty bins! So have you also got inside bins?
Love your suggestions for Ron for easy comfort food. Scotch eggs and sausage rolls. Yum yum. Bless him, he can’t go putting on weight with a rheumy hip.
If you ever feel inclined to offer me food, chocolate will do. Very partial to cherry brandy liqueurs! I usually have to test a few boxes in December to check they are ok. Last December, as I was so down, I only bought one box. It was the only thing that seemed to have any flavour after I found myself alone.
You seem to be a caring, quirky person (with very clean keys). Sorry you feel anxious about travelling. That is one thing that seems to have affected a lot of us, a lack of confidence without our wingmen or wingwomen beside us. I couldn’t go to the London meet up as it was midweek. I suppose I could have looked it up, but when they mentioned meeting by a statue in a way I was relieved I couldn’t go. I had no clue where that was. I remember going on a course in London a few years back. I could not find where to go once I got off the train. A very kind German man eventually told me that I had the map thing on my phone upside down. Thought I was ok, then got lost and ended up with a French woman telling me the map was upside down again. Going home I got on the wrong train and phoned my partner in a panic. He told me the name of a stop to get off the train and drove to find me and take me home. I understand your travelling alone anxiety. He used to lead, and I used to follow, and he was often having to rescue me when I had no clue where I was.
Dave’s pjs folded on his pillow with our knitted man and wife dolls and I have to go into the tumble dryer room to smell his work fleece , then smell his work belt , then kiss his Vape where his lips had been , then smell his pjs , then hug his pillow , then have a chat , then as we did every night Love you , love you to , kiss each other and in twine our feet , Then I lay there sobbing till about 4am xxx
Really bad night last night. I dreamt about him for the first time - well the first time that I can remember anyway. It was so real, like he was there. I could feel him. Then I realised it was a dream and the heartbreak started all over again. Feel really bad this morning.
How do we know it was a dream x I believe he was there xx
I so much appreciate your thoughts, yes I have got my head screwed back into place and had some thoughts that has put my new world into reality. I have not to rely on anyone for a while I am on my own I have to get used to it. The only one who I did rely on has gone she would always be there for me now no more only in my thoughts. I thank you Wong and Flur for putting a smile back on this ageing face hopefully smiling again will bring back a little youth to it again. You would laugh at me at the moment stood writing this outside the entrance of the Arndale, thought a dry run for the northwest meet up was a good idea, and it was it has been a while, last time I was in the area called the printworks it is bar’s and restaurants center I said to my wife we arrived a little late… About fourty years too late everyone was young
Nothing better to do today so it got me out of the house.
Well I think I better try to find my car now, that could be fun.
Ps
She is a little lady pug, now 10 coming on 16 what a diva but she loves her dad and I know she misses her mum like we all do.
Ron x x
Will let you know if I find the car later
Again thanks for the smiles you gave me it truly was a gift x x
God Ron you are so brave. Rene and I used to go to the cinema at the print works or for brunch in several places around there that probably don’t exist anymore. I honestly can’t imagine being in Manchester without him. I haven’t been for two years I guess since he was doing his English test for citizenship (what a joke, he speaks better English than most UK born i thought). then he had to give a presentation about a hobby and he chose home automation and blew their (and my) mind!!
I am sitting in my gazebo he made me with three cats who miss him too watching the Manchester rain. The thought of being there is bloodcurdling. I hope you find your car and get home safe to your pug. Hopefully you could get a nice pasty or something whilst out (sorry I am obsessed with food now!).