Sorry @Keith68 that must be do hard. That’s awful to have the mix up with the phones. I’m glad you were able to meet up with a friend though.
I still talk to mum anyway, particularly if I go in her room. Or I think about what she would say about something and her advice. She was always kind and generally calm. I wish I could talk to her now.
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@Keith68 you mustn’t beat yourself up about it. The day before my dad passed away the hospital phoned to say he was on end of life care and we were to go and see him. Mum didn’t want to go and see him and she tried to stop us from going too, she said to let him go and remember him the way he was. We couldn’t leave him so my sister and I raced up to the hospital, when we got there a nurse told us he was fighting so hard; his mind was but his body couldn’t anymore. When we went to see him he was asleep but struggling to breath, as soon as I got hold of his hand and spoke to him his eyes shot open. I told him that he didn’t need to fight anymore, it was ok to let go. He looked scared but I didn’t know what else to say, mum wasn’t there and my sister was stood quiet. I beat myself up about that for months afterwards, I didn’t know if that was the right thing to say. People at the time said it was but I think that had a lot to do with my depression, I felt awful that I had scared him. Mum at the time said I had done the right thing but after we lost mum my sister said mum had told her she didn’t want to know when she was dying as she didn’t want me to say to her what I had to dad and my sister commented about how scared he’d looked after I’d said and laughed it off a bit. I felt awful all over again. So beating yourself up won’t do you any good, you might end up where I did and believe me it wasn’t a nice place. Things worked out the way they did for a reason.
@Magsclar I’ve had an email this morning from one of the places I applied to saying I haven’t been successful. That was through in Edinburgh and I am not holding much hope for the second as that was for 13 positions across the country. You could pick a town near you on the list, I chose Glasgow but because it is a working from home job there will be hundreds if not thousands of applications. Back to the drawing board I think. People seem to have to jump through so many hoops to get a job these days, it’s not about what experience and qualifications you have but whether you are good enough at writing statements containing exactly the info they are looking for.
I’m not that good at keeping the garden in check, I know what needs doing but I don’t have the time or the energy! The lawn is like a jungle and there are dandelions growing out from between every paving stone! I sometime get hedgehogs in the garden so I don’t want to use weed killer, I’ve seen online that you can use rock salt so I’m going to try that. Dad had a burner with a gas canister on it and loved to get rid of the weeds with that. I’m worried I’ll either set the garden on fire or blow my arm off!!
Loki only woke me up once during the night last night so I feel a bit more awake this morning. He tends to sleep on the end of my bed most nights, with cats that’s a sign they feel safe with you. That means if we get broken in to I’m the one to protect the cat as well as myself!!
I was told I couldn’t do anything as mum was asleep like your dad. Mum died in her sleep and looked peaceful. She slipped away in her sleep. I don’t know what I would of done if I was there. Probably would of felt bored startling someone in their sleep not a good thing really. I think you have to think what if that was me, would I want that ? and we know as they get older they go into deep sleeps.
Talking about sleep, had a bad night coughing and discharges through nose and mouth kept me up all night last night. So all plans have gone out the window for today. Got a specimen bottle of it happens again. But might get the weekend out the way first.
I looked dad in the eyes and told him we loved him very much and that we would be ok. He was struggling to breath so they gave him meds to slow it and sedation. He went into a deep sleep and passed away the next day. He was fighting so hard to keep going but I just couldn’t see him struggling anymore. It’s hard to know when you are thrown into these situations what is the best thing to do. On the day mum passed she had been agitated and in pain all day, eventually they gave her the right meds that she became settled, when we left her she was in a deep sleep so we didn’t speak to her in case we woke her. She passed a few hours later. I would wish any of this on my worst enemy!
If you are bringing stuff up through your nose and mouth you must get checked today. The myeloma and chemo will affect your white blood cells so you can’t fight infection. If you have one now you need to jump on it, don’t leave it over the weekend!
I’m sorry about the job @Malcolm2 , that’s a shame, but keep going. You deserve a job you can be happy and progress in and where hopefully the people are nicer. I lnow it may take a while but it will be worth it.
I was thinking a lot about my mum’s last day this week. Not nice, but we were with her at the end. We just kept telling her we loved her and she opened her eyes wide at one point. I’ve been hoping she wasn’t scared. I don’t know what else we could have done. I think we beat ourselves up over lots of things but we can’t know how best to deal with these situations, it’s too emotional and sudden and difficult. We just do our best. I have many things I blame myself for. I don’t know what the solution is but I just know mum would want me to carry on and enjoy what I can.
@Keith please do take care and seek advice if you’re still poorly like this. It sounds really distressing.
I had it before, im going to see how tonight goes first. Does screw your next day up though.
Hedgehogs are so sweet, you lucky to get them visiting your garden. Can’t remember last time I saw a hedgehog. Think they like cat food ? do you put something out for them ? I don’t know what’s the correct way to say goodbye to a pearent. I was told I couldn’t do anything if I had visited the hospital. Mum slept over that weekend her nurse told me. I did tell mum she was in a better place, im convinced of that. My mum lived to 95 so that’s a good age, but obviously her health was dropping in a big way. My worse fear was ending up on my own, it’s such a cruel world today. There’s no one there for you today.
@Magsclar it really is hard knowing what is the best thing to do. I just hope I did right by my mum and dad, it’s one of those things I will never know. It’s good that we are in the same boat, we are not alone. Your mum will have known that you were there and she would have heard what you said to her, hearing is the last sense to go. They say that near the end people process their lives and put their affairs in order in their head so when they go they feel settled. It’s hard being the ones left behind but I am sure we will all get there in the end.
My sister has gone over to spend some time with her boyfriend, she is coming back home at some point tomorrow. It’s the first time since about March that she has stayed over with him. It’s also the first time that I have been in the house on my own overnight. Before mum was always here and we would watch movies and programmes that my sister didn’t like to watch. I must admit I am having a little cry as the house is so empty and I feel a little lost. I have got to get used to this though so will find things to keep me busy. I’m just about to watch Extraction 2 as I know mum would have liked to watch it with me. I really need to find a job not just to have a purpose but to have more money that I can afford to go out to meet people, even if it’s a craft club.
@Keith68 I love hedgehogs, I’ve not seen one so far this year but I know they are about because of their poops in the garden. I have been putting out special hedgehog dry food which has been disappearing. Once I feel the first signs of Autumn in the air I will put out wet food for them so they can build themselves up for hibernation. You’ve got to be careful what cat food you put out so like the dry food a get a special hedgehog one.
People do sleep a lot towards the end to they are still aware of what is going on even if they can’t respond. Mum didn’t want t us with her when she passed and she didn’t want us to see her afterwards, she didn’t want us to remember her that way but seeing her going through the dying process was just as hard to see.
Have you got a digital thermometer? If so keep an eye on your temperature, as soon as it gets to 37.7 take paracetamol and call your cancer line.
I’m quite cool at the moment, doing small stuff around the flat I think you feel Pier pressure to be by the bedside when your mum or dad are near to the end. I know David Bowie did reflect on his life towards the end as this was reflected in the video for black Star with religious overtures. I’m not sure regards my mum, as she slept a lot over the weekend, I was told that by the nurse that looked after her. He told me I wouldn’t been able to do anything if I been there. Finding out via the Police though I didn’t like. Don’t like them at any time and it’s was a intrusion and then they hovered around like a bad smell. I just wanted them gone! things like that are a private affair. It’s not police business and a lot of stuff isn’t. Let’s say I don’t like them and most people are the same about today’s fancy dress numptys. They do less work now then their predecessors. No one respects them or is impressed with them these days. I would have time for ex officers who I met and worked with. When I was doing security! I thought about a lot of things since mum has passed, we was close and did a lot together. It’s made me think a lot, about the opposite sex and they advertise that they are single, they not as they have kids so they not really alone. The kids are their live, just like mum had me and I had her. I just hope she reflecting on her life with her mum and what I bought to her life good and bad.
All I have now is my music and the memories that brings and the memories of doing things together Thats precious, that’s not easy to duplicate. Was it Crowded House that had a song ? everywhere I go I take the music with me ? that’s me!
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It would have been hard enough losing your mum without the police being involved too. We had a bad experience with the police when we lived in Cornwall which has made me weary. I haven’t had a lot to do with the police in Scotland apart from when we had drive off when I worked in a petrol station. They were quite down to earth and funny. There was a retired one who became a driver for them delivering mail between stations, he came in one day and said he wasn’t supposed to tell me but he had a foot in his boot he was taking to an undisclosed location!
I’ve been out in the garden today. I weeded the front pots and scattered rock salt all over the drive hoping it will kill off the weeds. Then I went into the back garden and did the same, I had to give up after a while as it’s been really windy here and just blew what I’d scraped up all over the place!
Crowded House are a great band. Isn’t it ‘take the weather’ though? Music is a great solace I find. Couldn’t go on without it.
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I’m sorry you’re feeling alone @Malcolm2 . We are here for you. I really hope you can find a job that will pay well and give you more options. I’m lucky that money is not the main problem now but when I was a single parent I had to save every last penny and it was hard and restrictive. Things always go wrong and cost money when you don’t have it. My mum helped me out on many occasions. And facing everyday tasks on your own is hard too, it feels such a battle.
I feel a bit guilty now to say I have been out this evening for a drum lesson, my very first. There was a special offer for five lessons so I booked it. It was fun. I love my 80s music, so drums are key to that. I can’t play any instrument except the recorder! I didn’t do too badly but it was obviously very basic rhythms. The lad (about 30!) who taught me was really nice. It’s keeping my brain going anyway. Don’t think I will be booking in any gigs just yet!
Thinking of you and hoping the film is good. Plus your words were comforting about people putting their house in order and preparing, thanks. X
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Please don’t feel guilty about telling me where you have been tonight, it’s just going to take me a bit of time to get out, it’s doesn’t mean that you can’t tell me what you get up to. I like hearing what everyone gets up to, I knew the time would come when my sister went back to staying with her boyfriend, it was just a bit unexpected that she was going tonight so I wasn’t really prepared. Learning to play the drums sounds really exciting and is something positive for you to focus on! Keep us posted on how you get on, I learnt to play the flute years ago, it has been a long time since I have picked it up so I would need lessons again. My mum mentioned it in hospital when she was near the end, she said she loved it when I played Seals Kiss From a Rose, my sister just moaned about how I played the same bit over and over again! I played the track to mum on my phone and it made her happy. There was one day when I was in the car and I felt a bit sad, it came up on the radio, mum letting me know she was there. I’m glad I was able to give you some comfort, it is amazing what people can do near the end, they can go in peace knowing they have set things in order
Hey I’m not totally in the same situation but i have had a lot of loss like you. I lost my mum nearly 13 years and just after that one of my best friends and then a year later another best friend and then my son dad died. My absolutely bestie died over 2 years ago. I’m now facing a new loss my dad daid in April and the worst one my husband died in June unexpected. I’m lucky i have my family and my so has now lost 2 dad’s and we have lost so many beautiful people. So I’m sending a hand of support to you and i understand the pain of loss 
I’m here if i can help and my husband was my carer and help me and my autistic son and even though I have family. I spend a lot of time on my own and I hate it. They have children and work. Sorry I’ve gone on abit and just trying to offer support and sending hugs 
to you
That’s a great song. Perhaps you could take the flute up again. It was fun going out and trying something new, like a bit of an exciting new start when people don’t know you and you’re trying to learn a new skill. I’ll keep you updated. It’s just half an hour per week so it will be slow and I’ll probably be rubbish but it is fun anyway.
You’re not going to be perfect at the beginning, you will get better, maybe you can get a set of drums at home so you can practice? I would like to take flute lessons again but it’s the whole money thing again. My sister and I went through to Glasgow before Christmas to see the orchestra play the music from the Nutcracker, I watched the flutists play the whole time. We are going back this December to see the Royal Ballet do the Nutcracker. I have a bit of an obsession about nutcrackers, I have loads I get out at Christmas! Mum and Dad bought me one about five years ago and I buy one or two each Christmas.
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You’ve had a lot of loss to deal with. I have an autistic son too. I’m so sorry you’ve had so many difficult things and hope you are coping. Xx
Think there might be some complaints if I get a drumset! They’ll have to behave themselves or I might do! Cleo cat might get frightened too.
We are quite keen on classical music too and go to a few things. I love ballet too.
Can you not line the walls of a room with egg boxes?! Bit of sound proofing and you’re sorted! Can you not muffle drums anyway so that you can practice? Maybe even get electronic ones?! I’ve always believed that every problem has a solution!!!