Monday i found myself struggling massively with my emotions, I felt sick, I felt sad and dizzy and faint and had no idea why, or what was triggering me. Yesterday (Tuesday) I found out you hung yourself, and took your own life.
This loved one had an on going problem with their mental health, bad problem with drink. I tried my hardest to support and love them, but on occasions when they’d drink they would be really nasty to me. I ignored it for ages, but I felt enough was enough, I couldn’t deal with it. So two weeks ago marked the last contact them and I had, I blocked and removed them off everything on another drunken outburst of verbal anger towards me.
To then find out they killed themselves, I feel such pain, I feel so sad, I feel confused, I feel guilt, I feel to blame, I feel anger, and parts of me feels relief for them, because I knew how much they were struggling and how many times they’ve tried with pills in the past… to then take it to the next level; by hanging.
I also feel a massive part of blame and guilt, I feel if I had t of blocked them two weeks ago; could I of helped, would she still be here today to reply to the hundred WhatsApp messages I’ve sent them.
My heart is hurting and I simply don’t know how to go forward. .
Olivia 95, you poor, poor soul, I am so sorry that you are going through this torment. Please believe me, when I tell you that it isn’t your fault that your loved one took her own life, it is all personal choice, it is my opinion that it takes a great deal of courage to commit such a final act. It must have come as a massive shock to you, when you heard this tragic news, believe you me, if she was in that frame of mind, she would have done this tragic act. I was a Deputy Director of our local branch of the Samaritans for a few years, I have listened for hours to people who have had this mindset, I have often thought that I had talked someone out of these tragic thoughts only to learn that after all, he/she had done what they had threatened. I beseech you not to put the blame onto your own shoulders, easier said than done. I am going to bed now to rest, but I shall come back to this post to check that you are okay.
Take care, and welcome to this wonderful group of people.
MaryL
ps It wasn’t my place to talk people out of suicide, I used the wrong context there, the Samaritans are there to listen.
So sorry for all that you are going through after the tragic suicide of your loved one. I too believe as MaryL said that it takes a great deal of courage to do such a thing. No way are you to blame at all for this happening because when someone is intent on taking their own life they will. A lot of my family have problems with drink and drugs and my sister who is 75 years old drinks a bottle of whiskey every day. We used to be quite close but I can’t bear too see her like that now as I lost my long term partner in may and she makes me more depressed than I already am. So I too have stopped all contact with her as I told her she needs professional help but won’t get any. Try not to feel guilty for what she has done but the pain and sadness are only natural. It must have been a great shock to you and your heart will hurt for weeks to come. You have to take each day as it comes and it isn’t going to be easy. Take care, Janet xx
I’m so sorry to hear that you have lost a loved one to suicide. It is understandable that your emotions are all over the place, and guilt is a very common part of grief. It sounds as though you tried very hard to be supportive to this person but their mental health and alcohol problems were unfortunately too severe. It doesn’t sound as though there is anything more you could have done and you couldn’t have continued to put up with abusive behaviour from them, however much you cared.
I’m glad that you’ve found this site and I hope that it helps even a tiny bit to have this space to get things off your chest. All of our users have lost loved ones and are a supportive and understanding lot. I have also found some recent posts by other users who have been bereaved by suicide - you might wish to read and reply to these in order to talk to them:
As well as posting here, there is an organisation called Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide that offers lots of support, including a helpline, support by email, and local support groups.