My world has fallen apart, I‘m feeling so alone, I slept in our bed last night and woke up at 1.30am and have sobbed ever since, the bed feels so empty, we always cuddled before it was time to get up, I tried cuddling her pillow but that made it more upsetting.I cant stop shaking I just miss her so unbelievably
Tried to turn the mattress this morning, that was his job,and I’ve not done it since he died It took me 15 mins, it used to take him a minute, result is I’m sitting here on the sofa , crying and panicking , feeling physically sick. It took all my energy to get washed and dressed. I can see this being a negative day
Richard the return to your bed is hard but a necessary part of ‘acceptance’ and the hardest part is the letting go through the tears and grief you will get to the point you are not yet ready to accept Sharon has left as you want her back that’s all normal feelings but so difficult for you as you go through them. I heard something when i was first grieving that said tears are all the love we have we can no longer give. So as you loved Sharon so much there will be many tears.
Alana I hope you have a better day I know it’s hard doing the things you used to on your own. I had a neighbour who lost her husband and we offered to help with any lifting or tasks she never took us up on it I wish she had. People will help with these things so please ask for help as you need it with the physical things as you don’t need a bad back on top of the emotional time. I think people in your life don’t know what to say or do or how to help and think you are coping; it’s the hardest to admit to them you are not. My neighbour fell out with everyone and distanced herself as so consumed in grief so my advice to both of is to reach out to your nearest and dearest for help with the tasks.
Sending you both hugs and support as you go through this. X
I thought was doing ok, obviously not today, Just little things, the kitchen cupboard door fell off, a light bulb went, it’s not that I’m incapable of changing a bulb or using a screwdriver, but so many little things seem to be going wrong, such trivial things are overwhelming me. I think I’m going to have to admit defeat and get some anti depressants , I so don’t want to have to take them as I don’t think they’re a solution x
I don’t think they are a solution either but I do believe they help your mind from being so manic, it will give you a little mental relief so that you are more able to deal with things without being in an extreme mental state, please see your doctor, you have helped me so much now let me help you, just explain to your doctor that you need something to just help you from being in such a heightened state of anxiety.
I know I’ve said this before but isn’t it easy to give each other sensible advice but we can’t listen to ourselves.
If I do get them, it’ll take 2/3 weeks of feeling like crap before they kick in, I feel bad enough now without waiting for meds to work, and then what about when I stop them ? Are they just going to delay the grieving process, so then I’ll be back to square one, there is no easy solution, so I think I’m just gonna go with what the death of a loved one brings, but if I started to have stupid thoughts, the id be straight down the doctors.
So I’ve decided that today I’m going to be ‘nice’ to myself, not worry about light bulbs or kitchen cupboards. I think I’ll go for a drive, as I find that takes my mind off things
Please see your doctor and ask his professional opinion about how long they take to take effect, I don’t think they will delay the process as time will still pass and they don’t stop you from functioning they will hopefully make it slightly easier for you to function. I to find driving helps I cry a lot in the car but I find that OK as I struggle to cry in front of others, it’s not a man thing it’s because I don’t want to burden others.
I’ve decided I’m not doing any paperwork today, the mortgage paperwork etc can wait I only had my wife’s funeral yesterday, sod em.
The doctor and all my friends have said be kind to yourself, is not doing paperwork or light bulbs cabinet doors etc, is that what it means?
It doesn’t burden others, not people who really care anyway. Crying is very good for us. This sounds really weird, I used to go and park up in Tesco and sit in my car and really cry, there was something therapeutic about it, it helped ,so I’m not questioning it.
I think one of the things that confuses me still is the emotional rollercoaster, an hour ago I was distraught, and now I feel ok …very strange all this grieving business x
I couldn’t agree more the roller-coaster of emotions is what confuses me the most, I am in a calm state at the moment but this morning I thought my world had come to a complete permanent halt, it’s the having no control over them I really struggle with
just got home from spending the day at Sharon’s Mum’s, we had to take Sharon’s dog Max to the vets this morning because Lin was convinced he was poorly, luckily there was nothing wrong with him, Lin was panicking because it was Sharon’s 40th Birthday present and she loved him to bits.
We then took the flowers from yesterday up to Sharon’s Grandparents memorial, and i asked them to look after her for me.
I then had a phone call from the undertaker to say they have received Sharon’s ashes back already, I wasn’t expecting that phone call today.
Now I’m sat in Sharon’s little office snug writing this between tears, I’ve tried to be strong for my boys but Harry just asked how i was and i just burst into tears.
Sharon was the organised one of us, I just don’t know how I’m going to cope and get everything done now and in the future, everyone have been great and offered help but i’m not very good at asking and will struggle through instead
You’re coping very well, although it doesn’t feel that way right now. It’s all about adjusting, and the thought of that it overwhelming too. But you’ve slept in your own home, your spending time in Sharon’s little room, your son is there, you have people around you. I remember you writing sometime ago, how you couldn’t face going back and staying in yours and Sharon’s home, and now you are, you’ve taken a very big step, that to me is an indication of strength… Keep crying and keep going , you’re getting there ! x
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Thanks so much Alana, your right that it doesn’t feel like it, but your right I couldn’t face being in the house before so something must be happening, but I miss Sharon so much.
How was your day
You’re always going to miss her, I’m always going to miss my partner, but our lives have changed and change is scary, unknown territory …as for my day, I decided to get my act together, went to my daughters, then met my friend. I think occupying myself helps, else I sit at home dwelling on recent events, I feel I have to make changes and adapt to this new existence, but I think I was a bit more positive today.
I had a strange day today, cried first thing when she is not next to me in bed, I decided to look at her Bible she keeps in her bed side table, Sharon became a christian 5 years ago and was baptised.
Her bible is kept in a fitted carry case, when i opened it on the top of the bible was a little book called “Change and Loss” which is a guide to grief, Sharon obviously left this for me to find.
This then left me both upset and numb.
But then i don’t know how but i managed to give our rabbits a spring clean, mowed the lawn and even managed to go to my nieces 17 birthday party, i gave her Sharon’s favorite bracelet and even managed not to burst into tears when she was overjoyed to have a reminder of aunty Sharon.
I just cant explain it, one day at a time I suppose.
Just looked at our wedding photo on our mantelpiece and I’m sobbing again, I really dislike these emotions
That’s pretty heavy stuff finding that, maybe you were meant to find it today at this stage of grieving,it sounds like you had a positive day, I believe Sharon is guiding you through this. Maybe sometimes little things that we overlook, can have an impact when we find them. I know the random songs that keep popping into my head have some relevance , even tho they were songs neither of us listened too.
I’m pleased you found her bible x
I’m currently sat in my Mum and Dad’s stareing at the chair that Sharon sat in and tears are running down my face, I’m planning to try and go to work tomorrow, I’m the sendco for a secondary school and do some maths teaching, luckily there are no students in tomorrow as it’s a staff inset day. I’m thinking it’s to early, I’ve gone from not wanting to be in our house to not wanting to leave it.
Do you feel ready to go back ? Or do you think you should try and adjust a little more to staying at home and finding a new routine ? I found myself rushing into things straight after the funeral, few hasty decisions that backfired as I wasn’t as ready as I thought I was to deal with things.
Today I had a lunch date with a close friend of his, it’s the first time I’ve been able to talk constantly about him and how and why he died , his frame of mind. I done all the talking, and my friend done all the listening, I felt a bit ‘lighter’ in myself after I’d spoken to him, then came home empty house, empty chair , empty everything , just a massive void x
I agree going back to work too early isn’t always a good option because then you just hide away your feelings. I think you are both doing extremely well, it took me over twelve months to move back home and even ten months later I still struggle. People have no idea of the pain and heartache suicide causes for the people that is left behind. Sending you both a big hug xx
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