Thanks Fi, today was good for me to be able to talk honestly and openly with somebody I trust and know that what I said will go no further, also being able to talk about how chaotic his life really was and the impact it had on us all, not just his life but his death too. I really do hope your struggle is becoming more bearable ,but like you say suicide is a totally different grief.
Sending a big hug back to you too X x
Some days you deal with it and other days it hits you like a tonne of bricks. I found the first year a complete blur but it is about to be the second anniversary of my partners death and I am dreading it, people tell you time is a healer well unfortunately when the person you love commits suicide the grief goes from pain and hurt to anger and then you feel guilty for getting angry. No one should have to deal with what we are going through xxx
I am going to try so that I don’t have any more what if’s to add to my list, if I struggle I will come straight home.
I think a lot of it is that I don’t like letting people down, and I already feel that I must have let the most important person in my life down somehow.
So at least if I try I can feel I have a genuine reason for not going to work (I know I already have, I’ve lost my soul mate)
Oh I just don’t know if I’m coming or going every thing is so confusing
You’re NOT letting anyone down. This is about YOU now, your grieving , your different way of life, try and stay strong for you, the rest will fall into place, trying to acceptance of the situation we find ourselves in is indescribly hard, it will lessen,
Maybe time to focus on yourself, it’s not being selfish, its survival … You’re doing well xx
Hi Richard, I lost my daughter to suicide 16 months ago. She’d struggled with mental health issues for several years and I too felt at first I must somehow have let her down, not been there for her enough, not been sensitive to her needs, but she left several notes behind to reassure us, one of which I’d like to share with you.
She said ’ There is NOTHING that any one of you, or anyone else, could have done to stop me or to change my mind. Please don’t go over what you could have done or said to prevent my suicide. It’s nobody’s fault. The only responsibility for my death is on me. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you or care about you. It just means that I was doing what’s right for me. Putting my needs first. I’m sorry if that sounds selfish . . .’
I hope that helps. She was so often in pain, mental and physical, but I know she’s at peace now with the God she loved, as is your Sharon, and one day we’ll see them again - so there is a light at the end of this tunnel of grief, we just have to keep plodding on towards it.
Thinking of you, keep strong, Kathy
Hi Kathy
Thank you for sharing that personal letter, i believe Sharon put herself first for the first time in her life, because both the physical and mental pain were to much to bear any longer.
I know i will see her again, I miss her so much, but I wouldn’t want her to be in pain any longer.
I’ve not even bothered getting washed and dressed I haven’t stopped crying all day. When I woke up this morning my mind was hijacked by the song …’ I can’t stop loving you’. I don’t know how I’m not dehydrated from the amount of tears I’ve shed, proper sobbing, nose running. I’ve been wandering around the house looking for him, talking to him out loud, asking where are you, calling his name, telling him how much I miss him. I just want to hold him again. The bloody song won’t go away !
Hi Alana, the roller-coaster sucks, how are you feeling now, please get some meds from the doctor it won’t stop you functioning but will take the raw edge off your emotions.
I went into work today and saw my peace lilly had died over Easter and I couldn’t stop crying. I’ve been out for a curry with friends tonight just got back and saw a wedding photo in our lounge and burst into tears again.
I’ve calmed down a bit, had a bath. I’ve not been in state like today for quite a while, if I have I cant remember it. I’m going to make sure I go out tomorrow and not hang around the house, focus on something else.
Are you going into work tomorrow ? …it must have been difficult for you today X
Is was really hard, i was really anxious all day, I’m going to try and go in tomorrow, the kid’s are back tomorrow so that’ll be the real test, if it’s to much I have asked a close friend at school to drag me out because I will force myself to continue
I don’t know what to say Richard, i just hope it’s bearable for you tomorrow, and if I wake up with song in my head in the morning I hope it’s something by The Sex Pistols ! … So much easier to deal with !
Doctor has told me that I can’t go back to work full time, broke down twice at school today, had a good outcome for a student today and realised that I didn’t have Sharon to tell when I got home.
I know I keep saying the same thing but I miss Sharon so much it really hurts, I just want my princess back.
I’m not surprised by what the doctor said, you need to put yourself first for your own wellbeing (says she who can deal out the advice but not take it).
Today has been better for me, I made sure I kept occupied. My eldest son came back from Thailand yesterday, and tonight took me out for a meal, I feel much more secure now he’s back. Today’s song that has haunted me is George Michaels ‘Different Corner’. … I totally understand how much you want to be able to tell Sharon about your day, I want to tell my partner that I done the ‘handbag bag cull’ he kept on at me to do, I had so many they were hooked up all over the bedroom wall, it drove him mad… I wish it still did x
Its the little things that get to me which used to annoy Sharon, like my son keeping the loo seat up and leaving socks lying on the floor. I told Harry not to leave the loo seat up and he said why and I said Mum doesn’t like it.
How was your day, any new songs stuck in your head today, I can’t stop listening to Mr Blue Sky by ELO it was Sharon’s favourite song.
No songs at all which I’m glad about. Not been a bad day today, feeling a tiny bit of acceptance, which I hope isn’t temporary, i want to move forward a little bit not forget, just forward … No doubt it’ll all go tits up tomorrow, how was your day ?
I went to work this morning and cried all the way, when I got there I broke down as soon as I walked in my office, I’m not going in tomorrow, I will try again on Friday. I ended up coming home and going straight to the garden of remembrance where Sharon’s ashes will be laid and just sat there talking to her. I still can’t believe she won’t be back.
Give yourself a break, its only a week tomorrow since Sharon’s funeral, if I remember rightly ?.. Now is the time to start trying to adjust to this different life you have, and it takes time. You say you don’t like letting people down and have to be strong, so take sometime out for you and build up your strength again. Your emotional and mental well being is paramount, and the the grief really hits hard after the funeral. Maybe time out until after next half term, or even the summer holidays.
Had a strange day today I ended up walking for miles across the fields around our village, and this afternoon I fixed my car which was broken, I’m absolutely shattered now, I don’t know where the energy came from.