Maybe the physical energy was building up, and went unnoticed because of grief, possibly a step into the different life that’s started, did you feel clearer headed, even if was only for a short while ?, I know I have days where I’m more active than others, its now 10.15pm and exactly 12 weeks have passed since I lost him and I’m going over the event in my head , it’s not helped by my having to drive past the hospital twice a day.
it’s been a strange day, I feel very sad , but there’s no tears, the feelings of disconnection and despondency are quite strong right now, but at least there are no songs haunting me today.
I’ve just made myself a hot chocolate without thinking about it and the tears have started to flow because we would take turns making the hot chocolate each night.
I think I might have a hold of my emotions and then something that might seem so simple undoes it all.
I keep Mr Blue Sky on repeat in my car because that was her favourite song and that was what we had playing when we entered the crematorium, I can’t believe that was a week ago already, the last 5 weeks have gone past in a flash.
It’s 5 weeks today since his funeral, and I feel very lonely, especially in the evenings, even though I’m not alone. During the day I seem to keep occupied, but the evenings are the worst, I miss his company. I made a few more little changes today, just little things that only I notice, I suppose over time the changes will become more noticeable, especially as the place needs decorating badly, it was something we had planned. To get rid of the 10 year old carpet, lay laminate flooring , decorate the bathroom, it’s not like I can’t get it done, it’s just something that will change the home he lived in, like another little piece of him gone from the home… Does that make sense ?
That makes perfect sense and I feel exactly the same, our house needs decorating, but when the holiday Time came we thought sod it we’d rather do something together even if is was just a cuddle in bed during the afternoon rather than boring decorating.
We have just had a new barbers open up in town and I got upset because Sharon will never know about it, and they are about to build some new houses in our village and she will never know what they look like.
I got envious of two old people holding hands the other day, I never thought I’d be jealous of a couple of pensioners.
Been awake since 2am which isn’t unusual, but in a constant state of panic, but I can’t put a finger on why, I know that sounds daft, but it’s always because I miss Sharon so much, but this morning my mind was a fog and felt empty of thought, I couldn’t stop the panic attack.
I became anxious last night, worrying unnecessarily about the house needing decorating , so doubled up on the Valium, which I’m convinced are placebos, as I was still awake at 2.30am. I got up at 6.30 am. I decided to sort through paper work and clear more of my clothes out, it’s now 1.30pm , I’m sitting on the floor, paperwork strewn everywhere, so are the clothes. I can’t seem to focus on what I know I should be doing, so the papers can go back in the box, the clothes back into the black sacks.
Can’t get motivated at all, so I think I’ll get up off the floor make a coffee , sit on the sofa and endure the rest of the ‘void’
I plan with Sharon’s Mum to start looking at her clothes on Sunday, but I’ve made it clear that they are going into suitcases and up into the loft, nothing is going to the charity shop yet. But I guess by Sunday I won’t be up to it. On a positive (I think) my counciling starts on Monday all their councillors are survivors of suicide, the police officer who is dealing with the coroner chased it up for me.
Have you got a date for yours yet, or have you been back to your doctor.
No nothing, nothing at all, apart from the offer of decoupage and cooking for one, so I’m still waiting for an appointment. I definitely need to go back to my GP. Although I feel as ‘OK’ as I can under the circumstances, I know something isn’t right emotionally, mentally or both, so I’m going to seriously think about getting some anti depressants… Which I really do not want to do, short or long term.
Although it’s not been too bad today… And today’s song is 'under the Boardwalk ’ courtesy of the drifters x
At least it wasn’t Bruce Willis’s version I suppose.
I’m currently sat at home all alone watching some crappy film on one of the freeview channels.
I can’t shake this feeling of having a permanent panic attack, I can feel my heart rate racing.
I feel like I’m just going through the motions just to pass time because I no longer have anything of value to do.
I know what you mean about the heart rate as I had that earlier today, it must be par for the course.
As for the tv, I think tonight is the first time in ages I’ve sort of watched something, channel 5 turned up some interesting documentaries, which I feel a bit guilty about watching, as he would always watch US programmes or other stuff I hated. But I suppose life is moving on, and there’s nothing I can do about it, but I still don’t feel ready x
Had a weird day today, I went out this morning and forgot my phone, the first thing that came to mind was that Sharon wouldn’t be able to contact me. I then got home later and realised I didn’t have my house keys so I had to then travel to my eldest sons house who luckily had a spare key.
Also Sharon hated motorbikes and she told Sam and Harrison that the only request she had was that they never got one because she thought they were dangerous, well Sam has gone and got one and Harry has applied for his bike licence, I don’t know how to take it, it almost feels like they are ignoring her wishes.
I don’t know what to say. Other than the obvious that they’re adults and make their own choices, although I do agree a little more thought on their part, but that’s kids for you. It’s something you have to accept.
Tonight I went out with friends, happened to overhear a conversation about co-codamol/paracetamol overdose and that it causes constipation… I just upped and left as I couldn’t trust my self not to punch someone
Hi,Alana,i am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mum suddenly last year on the 31st of August. I am a lone parent with little proper family support. Today is a bad day,i have been crying on and off. All i can say is get to the end of each day,that’s all you can do. I have just joined this online forum,i came across it earlier. Take Care,xxx
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Hi Lucy, I’m sorry for your loss, it must be really difficult to be in your situation being a single parent without the support of your mum. And you are so right when you say about just getting through one day at a time.
Losing someone we love is so hard at anytime , but losing someone we love to suicide is a whole different ball game.
I hope you can find some support for you and your family xx
I spent the day with Harrison tidying the garage, I got upset a few times when we came across things of Sharon’s, he ignored me and pretended he didn’t notice, I brought Sharon up in conversation a couple of times and he just changed the subject, not in an avoidance way but in he had more interesting things to say sort of way.
I took our dog for a walk this morning and took the flatter route that Sharon would force herself to take as she wanted to walk her dog, for the first time since losing her, I cried all the way round.
I then had a panic attack about the house work and if I was doing it properly and if I had forgotten anything that Sharon would have thought of.
It just doesn’t seem right doing it by myself
Hi,Alana,I hope you to can find some peace nd support,Thank you for your message of support,that means a lot to me. It must be hard for you beyond words,and yes it is very different for the pain you to are going through. Today i have found so hard. My Mum was the best Mum in the world. Why does life have to be so cruel? Take Care,Hope to speak soon,xxxxxxx
How was your day today
Maybe he’s avoiding speaking about his mum because it upsets you. I used to feel upset if I saw my mum cry. Once I saw my Dad cry and it absolutely devastated me, maybe because Dads don’t cry, they’re supposed to be the ‘strong’ one. I think there’s still a stigma attached to men crying, showing that they’re hurting, and it’s difficult for their children to understand, I really don’t know ?
I can understand how you felt about taking the dog out, especially alone using Sharon’s route, I hope in time that route becomes a comfort to you.
This afternoon my friend came round , we’d arranged to out for food tho my appetite had gone AWOL. I started to tell her about the songs that hijack my mind, especially 'I can’t stop loving ’ at this point I felt my eyes welling up, and didn’t want her to see I was upset, so I quickly changed the subject to some utter crap, I so didn’t want to cry today xx
Hello every body.i came across this post on the community and just wanted to say how very sorry i am for your guys loss.i will tell you a bit about myself and what i have veen through.i lost my fiance too syicide 2 and a half years ago.she was only 23 and was 7 months pregnant with my first child.i can agree that no body will ever understand the sheer pain that we have all gone through.i am 30 years ild and never imagined my life with out her and still can’t.she was bipolar and went through a bad child hood wich affected her for moat of her teenage years.
Hi Gilbert, I am so sorry for your loss, I can not imagine what it must be like to lose two people at once, I am only 6 weeks into my loss and I miss her so much it really hurts, I don’t think I have fully accepted it yet. I hope you have a good support network, I fortunately have fantastic parents and Sharon’s Mum is so supportive, and of course this forum and inperticually Alana has been a lifeline even though she her self it having to battle through this imence heartache