Thanks Richard
I still have bad days but i have good ones as well where i think about how much we loved each other and the good times we had.The love and missing that peraon never goes away but i do have a good supportive mum and family.they will never understand the pain but they don’t judge me either.it takes time and a lot of emotions.from panic atacks to feeling like it should of been me.
Its a hard truth vut life does go on and we just have to take each day as it comes
So I get a call to say my son is in casualty in the same hospital at exactly same time my partner was admitted 13 weeks ago. Thank God my son had nothing serious and sent home with a pair of crutches. But the timing was just so wrong, resulted in me breaking down and crying , how I drove us both home through the tears I don’t know. My son and I just siting here now in silence, you could cut the sad atmosphere with a knife, I so want to hold my partner right now, feel his strength and and support, which despite all his issues, he never failed to deliver, the sense of loss is physically painful… I hate everything right now xx
Please don’t think like that Gilbert, as hard as it is to accept our loved ones choices , it was their choice. If you read all the posts on here , you’ll find we’ve all experienced the same emotions, the anxiety, the panic attacks. But we have to carry on living for our loved ones we have lost, keep their memory alive, share that memory with each other. I’m not a religious person, but I do believe in God, and one of my strongest beliefs is that those we have lost go on to be be healed. I hope you find support through this forum, I know that I have x
Hello,
I came across this site and this conversation tonight. I read it through to the 21st of March and then skipped to today’s posts and realised that doing so had stopped me from crying. I had been crying for hours and could not stop. I had no one to talk to and haven’t had anyone to truly talk to so far.
My love left us, he died to suicide on November the 5th 2017. He was 41. I am 47. He left me with my 9 year old son from a previous relationship, an 18 month from our love and with child. I was only a few weeks into my pregnancy not even 3, when the police came knocking on my door to tell me the news Monday morning 1am 6 November 2017. I found out the day after, on the 7th if November, that we were expecting another child. I am now 6 months pregnant.
His family and friends ostracised me as a stranger. Racism? A blame process? Rumours? I don’t know. I have no family of my own apart from my children and no friends I can open up to like you are doing here. I have dealt with it all si far on my iwn, in solitude. I cannot stop crying.
He was bipolar… and I had fallen in love with him when I first rested my eyes on him. He was a man of no wealth… I found him offering drawing portraits for £1 on the street and I had smiled and as he asked to draw me I had replied that I had not a pound on me… he offered to draw me all the same. He sat me on some stairs and drew me and charmed me with some poetry…recited lije a bard in sone Kind Arthur legend.
I was struck by an rnormous desire to take him home. And I did. I had no idea of how I was going to care for him but this urge was so spontaneous and free… it was like I had always known him and I had a dear love for him, as if he were or had once been my own child…? Lover? He was just so familiar in some way. Within no time we were lovers and within one month we were exoecting our first chikd- and it was no accident!
I had taken a meal out to him that first day but tgen taken him hone and washed his feet…
He was a poet, a talented musician, a busker, a painter and a very amusing entertainer though he was engulfed by a sorrow that was bottomless… he was bipolar. Though this was an immense challenge for me, none of the trenenfous difficulties it brought into my life reduced my love for him. I saw this prince turn into a devilish creature time and again, and leave us for no reason it seemed, but nothing he could do would subtract from my love. I learnt of a beauty inside me, an ability to love I had never thought possible. Nothing could taint that immacukate love… though I was drained with the effort, for there was so much I could not understand…
Then this…we lived what sermed to be a film…
2.5 years later this love was brought into an abrupt halt.
I cannot stop crying. Daily routines like catering for the chikdren and house, freeze my feelings, I go into a strange mode whereby I just have to function so I do. But when I find myself alone anyplace. When thry are away or asleep… my heart finds this dark teality again, the stark truth that he is home, that our chikdren will not have known or remembered him… and another million thoughts that crush my soul. I realise I was dealing with what sermed to be unconditional love. I had bern able to live anything in our relatiobship. Ultimately good things and diabolically hurtful
things too. I was invincible. My love prevailed over it all. But then this. I realise that my love had a condition. I needed him in my life. He could leave me forever but at least be sonewhere in this tealm of the living. I had learnt to live with his bipolar sudden and unexpkained departures of weeks on end. Of silence for werks on end. Anything. But this… I cannot deal with it. I am alive, but I am dead. My joy, my life, my future, my family are all broken. My heart is broken. I struggle to live every day by day acyivity… I feel so weak. All my hope was removed. He will not be back this time. Ever again. Ever. I am inconsolable. His poems to me, his songs, his voice, his guitar playing- were so special… dead. No more. His colourful company, his trouble…his tender love… all gone. I walk into my house and there is always only just me… and the kids. I don’t want to be with anyone and cannot tolerate the abuse people have aimed at me just for knowing I was at my weakest, Wounded. I was targeted from all sides. I was in disbelief about this. I isolated myself that I might find some peace and love, and I did. I am glad I found you here.
Wow that is some heavy prose ! I hope you can find the support you deserve, there is a charity called ‘turn to us’ apparently they can help you in so many ways, especially when the new baby arrives. If I was in your situation I would ask for help from social services, I know they provide practical help which might ease-your current situation as a lone parent. The impact of losing someone this way is unbearable as you already know. I hope you find the help your looking for, especially having a young family and being alone
Hi lonelywolf, I strongly believe that love finds us and it certainly seems that love found you.
I’m so sorry for your loss and I certainly understand the roller-coaster of emotions you must be going through, as Alana has said please get as much help as you can, please also try and hold on to the fact that you have part of him in you and you will have that lifelong link with your child.
Hi lonelywolf, I strongly believe that love finds us and it certainly seems that love found you.
I’m so sorry for your loss and I certainly understand the roller-coaster of emotions you must be going through, as Alana has said please get as much help as you can, please also try and hold on to the fact that you have part of him in you and you will have that lifelong link with your child.
Another reaction today that I would never have thought possible before.
I used the cooker today for the first time without Sharon.
We always used to cook together, it was a bit of joke that we would tell each other we were doing it all wrong, I would stir her pan and she would slap me with a spoon for interfering.
I just stood there and burst into tears, it just seemed so boring without the fun and games.
I was tearful last night when I picked my son up from casualty, I didn’t go to bed until 2.30am, I hate staying up that late as I always feel like crap the next day, needless to say but I’ve felt like that all day. It’s been a ‘sofa day’ just sitting here intending to get up and do something, nothing has been done. I’m going to make sure I get to bed at a reasonable time tonight as I can’t feel like this tomorrow as I need to drop my grandson to nursery at 9am and pick him up at 3… Although he’s only 2.5 yrs, he helps me so much. I feel I have something to look forward to xx
Dear Alana,
Thank you for your kind words.
In my experience Social Services are not to be trusted around my family. Any family. They have fiercely tried to shred my family to pieces in the past with lies and I was lucky I was able to prove it and win a court case against them. It was one of the hardest experiences of my life as the state wanted to rake a child from me. They used serious lies which in a way was my salvation as I could disprove them all.
I am Portuguese and though I have lived in England for over twenty years, I found I still have friends from back when, my childhood days, that love me: I swallowed my pride and reached for help and was offered to stay in a lovely house with garden and swimming pool and all. Most importantly they have the most solid famiky I have ever known and that will surely strengthen my faith in my own ideas on family and my own little fragile one. They said I was more than welcone to come and stay from well before baby was due ( so that I may fly) and then a while after too. This way they will support me in these delicate and special times. I may stay from end of May until end of August. My friend, my age, has just become a grandmother for the third time and everyone there is into babies, so I hope I will feel safe, even if not in my own home.
The truth is that even this charity is hard for me. I don’t know if I will cope well, as I have been coping by being on my own. Privacy and solitude have been my staple ‘friends’ in this process of grieving. I don’t know how I will fare without them.
Still my two boys will be efit from this and so will newborn and I suspect that so will I.
Xxxx k
Dear Richard,
You and Alana have been so sweet to me so far… and you are both grieving… thank you…
I am getting help where I feel I can trust… Being pregnant and alone a women is very vulnerable. I must be very careful who I get help from…
It is true that having his son and now another on the way, is in a way extremely sad but in another way immensely beautiful. That I am expecting from him is in fact magical.
Yes, it is like having a bit of him in me, alive.
But nothink can quite ever replace him. I loved him so… I sometimes would not sleep just to watch him sleep…I’d draw him, photograph him or simply look at him in adoration as he was so exceptionally beautiful to me.
I send you strength. Thank you for being here. I had felt totally alone so far. Cannot talk to anyone about my feelings. This I have found here is a treasure.
K xxx
I am having a really bad morning, partly because I was unable to post on her ere no yesterday
Ignore the above post, my computer is playing up.
I was unable to post yesterday due to my Internet browser refusing to open the forum.
I am having a really bad morning, partly I believe because I couldn’t post yesterday.
We went to the Funeral directors yesterday to look at memorial stone’s and it really freaked me out, we are going to lay Sharon’s ashes on her 50th birthday.
The undertaker said what a beautiful idea.
I just thought the beautiful idea would have been going on the supprise holiday I’d booked for her birthday.
I cried all night and into the morning, I obviously haven’t gone to work this morning.
Alana, my post yesterday was to ask how your day went with your grandson, I hope he was the positive distraction you were hoping for.
Any new songs recently, on the radio yesterday when I was driving, close to you by the carpenters came on, I had to pull over because of the tears.
Lonelywolf, it must have been difficult for you to post on here, but please do, it is a safe environment, and in a way I can’t explain its comforting to know we are not alone, and like I’ve already said, I found it hard not being able to post yesterday
Foolishly tried to do some of the formal paperwork today, stupid really concidering I wasn’t able to go to work, now my head is thumping and I’m feeling really annoyed with myself, I should be able to give myself a day off, but I just can’t because I feel guilty if I try to do something for myself.
Ive not been too bad, I took my grandson to nursery yesterday, my daughter got a call to pick him as he was unwell, result was emergency appt. with GP. which we both attended, when we got to the waiting room he promptly threw up all over his mum, luckily I had his coat with me so was able to remove his top, but not so lucky for my daughter, whose coat I never had with me (my attempt at warped humour) so she was a bit peed off having to wait 1.5 hrs before she could get changed. It turns out he has an ear and throat infection.
I’ve been OK the past couple of days, a bit teary when getting into bed, but at least I’ve slept.
I visited my aunt again today, being 99yrs old she really does have some words of wisdom about bereavement to share with me, which helps so much.
So yeah, I think I have to accept and adapt to this new existence, but there is no other choice. Thankfully I’ve been ‘song free’ for the past couple of days.
The strangest thing happened yesterday. I was messaged on ‘what’s app’ asking why I had changed my profile pic to one of my partner when he was sleeping ?..I have never ever changed my original profile pic on ‘what’s app’ it was really weird, as my daughter had that pic on her phone and had it printed off for me yesterday ??
Anyway enough about me, how are you feeling now, how are the boys ? x
I’ve had a really bad couple of days, I feel like I’ve gone back to the beginning, I’ve been excessively cleaning the house because Sharon wouldn’t like to think we were living in a mess. I’m hoping it’s because of the counciling I had on Monday and having to go the the funeral directors yesterday.
I can’t deal with being thrown back to the beginning.
On the subject of the counciling it starts off as a listening service, because the brain isn’t ready for counselling yet. It was good to talk and not hold back, but I think I have suffered since.
You think your going back to the beginning, but you’re actually going forwards by going over Sharon’s passing. I got to a stage like that, I think for me , looking back now, it was delayed impact, facing the reality of the new existence and trying to come to terms with it. I believe we can become lost in grief, and if you don’t mind me saying Richard, I think this might have happened to you too, trying to be strong for others , getting paper work done, going back to work too soon etc. worrying about what’s really not important right now. We need time to adapt and change at our own pace and not the pace we think others expect from us.
From your posts, it sounds like Harrison and Sam dealing with things their ways. Cut yourself a bit of slack, and read that little book you found in Sharon’s bible X X
Not gone into work again today, as we all know the emotions are like a rollacoster but I have been permanently low for the last 3 days. I can’t stop thinking about Sharon and how much I’m missing her. Sometimes a TV program can distract me but not the last few days, but the last 3 days I have been in a constant panic.
I can only think it’s linked to organising the interment the thought of having a stone with her name on is to final for me to handle.