The C word. "Christmas"

#1

Hello.

I’m looking to share ideas on how to deal with Christmas as it is looming over us and I find it a very difficult time of year so want to get prepared to face it head on.

Loooong story cut short…I lost my wonderful dad in 2017 then 6 weeks later my wonderful mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I lost her a year later. I’m an only child so I have a tiny family and I have a lot of resentment issues with my in laws which makes it even worse.

We all used to spend Christmas together, my parents and my husband’s parents and us but now the rituals have been thrown up in the air.

I have a son so can’t just stop “doing christmas” but the pressure to bite my lip with the in laws on such an emotional day is hard and I am already worrying about it.

I’ve wondered whether I can invite someone else over to change the dynamic. A lonely neighbour for example but not sure they would come.

Anyway, I’m rambling now but just wondered how you lovely lot are planning to cope with Christmas and loss at the same time.

Much love
Ann xx

Coping with Christmas: round-up of conversations
#2

Hi Ann. I really don’t know how I’m going to cope with Christmas this year the thought of it frightens me so much,
I was married for 45 years and lost my husband Roger three months ago, so for all those years I cooked Christmas dinner for just him and me and in laws to start with then three children then son and daughter in laws and grandchildren
The kids have been great suggesting I go to theres but I just want to crawl into bed and wake up when it’s all over with
Will be nice to see how others have coped over the years

Linda xxx

#3

I to am dreading Christmas my husband died 18 December last year, Christmas is a blur, my whole family came to ours as always, but I dint really remember much it was autopilot arranging and doing christmas and also sorting funeral out and everything that goes with that, 2 days after Christmas it all became to much and I spent 2 days in bed, I am dreading it so much this year, December is my husbands birthday, then the anniversary of his death then Christmas without him, I know I will be surrounded by people who love me, i wish I could just skip December and go straight to January take care Jan x

#4

I have always loved Xmas but mum died 6 weeks ago and I’m dreading. I have to children so I need to keep going. So we are going to go to my cousins and all her children. Mums sister will be there. Dad is coming. It will be noisy and full of Xmas fun for the kids. I will be empty inside though. X

#5

Last year was one of the best Christmases we had ever had, this year will be hard, I have a lot of firsts before then but I will do what I always do plus my hubbies jobs because Christmas was his favourite time of year and my family (not me ) need to know that we will celebrate it as normal, my granddaughter needs normality. It won’t be easy but it will be necessary. X

#6

Yes exactly it’s a necessity for the children. My two children need to enjoy it. And my mum wouldn’t want it any other way.

#7

Jooles children follow our example my view I can weep when I am alone, for them it is a time to remember Grandad with love and happy memories. I made a Christmas tree out if a pallet we have put lights on it and my grandaughter wants to write a message on it for her grandad, it will be her rememberence tree.

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#8

Silverlady. My cousin said the same. Children look to adults to see how they handle situations like this. I send them off to school and I cry at home. They have seen me cry but they have also seen me get up and get on with the day. Xmas is all about the children so we will do it for them even though Xmas for me will never be the same agAin.

#9

I know Hun but you have to create a memories for your little ones, why not create a tradition around your Mum so that they you and she can connect every Christmas, I make snowmen out of socks and let them decorate them X

#10

My husband (Mr Christmas!) died 29 Aug 2018, leaving me a widow at 51 and his daughters aged 19 and 22. We are now facing Christmas number 2 without him. So, my advice to those of you facing the first Christmas alone is do what your gut is telling you to do and do not let anyone pressurise you to do something different. We decided to do our own thing - telling grandparents and siblings not to count on seeing us. This took immense pressure off our shoulders. In the end we had a long lie, followed our usual Christmas morning routine ( minus Dad), went for a long walk and had our Christmas meal at 6 pm ( girls horrified - far too late by their book). We then, spur of the moment went to friends in the evening and played Trivial Pursuit. My husband was utterly brilliant at that game! This year we are going out for our Christmas meal with my Mum. DO WHAT YOUR GUT TELLS YOU TO DO. Finally, the anticipation is far worse than the day. Hope this helps. Cx

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#11

That’s a lovely idea. I’ll do that. X

#12

Joole your welcome, we have been doing it for years. Loads of videos on YouTube. It is something that like my children and now their children and when I die I hope it is something they will carry on. X plus bonus it gets rid of socks that the washing machine monster has separated lol

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#13

Hi All

Thank you for sharing your stories and ideas. I’m so sorry we all are full of Christmas fear rather than cheer.

I like the idea of doing what we feel we can do rather than what we feel we should do. I like the idea of creating new traditions too.

Maybe that’s what its all about. Accepting that Christmas is different now. It will never be the same again. Somehow beginning the start of a new chapter honouring the ones we have lost by starting a new tradition to remember them.

I’m so greatful to my wonderful parents for all the lovely Christmases we shared. No doubt many were hard for them while they lost people but somehow they kept it together for me. Now I have to for my son.

Let’s keep this thread going to keep sharing ideas and problems around getting through.

Sending love to you all

Ann xx

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#14

Hi there,

I’ve never been a Christmas person, it was OK when the kids were small but I’m not a believer so to me it seems hypocritical to celebrate something I don’t believe in. My Dave on the other hand loved Christmas, he would have the Christmas songs going in September!! And on Christmas Day he was like a kid in a sweet shop opening his presents.
Have you thought of going away for a few days over Christmas if you can afford it, even getting away to a caravan by the sea would make a nice change and you can meet others there.
It’s a wonderful idea to invite a lonely neighbour and I’m sure they would be only too happy to accept

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#15

All I can add is beware of New Year!

#16

Hi All,

Oh yes, new year…hadn’t got that far in my planned worrying just yet!

I now understand why so many people volunteer to help others at Christmas. Something positive to do I guess with extra time that used to be spent with loved ones. I am thinking of doing something myself volunteer wise this year. Last year I just couldn’t face it so that must mean some progress is being made. Anything to fill up my diary, change the usual routine and just get through.

Anyway. We have gathered a nice little group here of “Let’s get through Christmas Somehow” elves. There must be millions of people who all have different issues to deal with at this time of year so it feels nice to not be alone.

Happy October everyone. We can do this!

Ann xx

#17

This will be my first and I will be on my own.I’ll try and treat them like 2 normal days but easier said than done

#18

This will be my first and I will be on my own. I have no family and I am dreading it. Christmas was just the two of us, always and it was wonderful. We didn’t need anyone else and now I have no-one else. I’m trying not to think about it and just hoping the whole thing will go away. I agree, there is such expectation, and it is not easy to treat them like normal days.

#19

Why don’t we all come on here,especially if you alone,on Christmas Day and chat about anything and everything?I think it could help many of us x

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#20

That’s is a lovely idea. It will be hard day for many of us. x