Dear Toondale, yes my Malc died on 23rd April, St George’s Day. A little light relief for our one son who always called him George, nobody knew wby! I’ve found I have less bawling days, just sad tears suddenly for no reason but I think by this stage some sort of acceptance has set in , most of the time. I haven’t managed to get round a supermarket yet without blubbing a bit though, thank goodness for masks! In fact I’d appreciate a full face one at the moment.
1 Like
Fg15, conflicting emotions get in the way of grieving and make it so difficult to come to
terms with what has happened. That must be so hard for you. our emotions are up and down anyway without any added burden. I’m having a problem with the fact that we discovered Malcolm had Aspergers just months before he died. We didn’t have time to address it properly and some days I feel like I didn’t know him, although I know I did really. It’s all so confusing and irrational !! We just have to go with it each day, whatever it brings. Sending love xxx
I know i just wake up and see where the day takes me today has been an ok day but obviously theres times when i just sit and think things over but i guess thats natural and we will all do that x
We are all naturally going to be up and down. I am now 15 weeks in to the club we never wanted to join. I cry every day. I have Gerry’s ashes but the urn I want is out of stock. He would have wanted his ashes to be scattered at Goodison being a massive Everton supporter but they don’t do that any more, so I scattered a few under a tree at the animal rescue we volunteer for, have a little star keepsake with a pinch of ashes in and think that when my time comes my ashes can be scattered somewhere with his. Take care everybody xx
Well the urn I ordered arrived yesterday, it was a bit precarious filling it, I had visions of having to vac up. Luckily with a funnel I managed to put some in.
I have it in the bedroom with me so it gets a good talking to when I,m up there.
I am having one made for the garden as well and the rest will stay in the box to be put with mine.
It’s all quite surreal, the final thing I had to do, what do I do now.
I just feel lost, I have no idea how to live this life alone.
1 Like
I have my darling husband’s ashes at home … could not think of not having him home…he will stay with me till it’s my turn to go…we have a beautiful glass box casket with gold flying swans decorated all over…in fact it’s my Jewellery box it’s beautiful and David’s ashes fit inside perfect… didn’t realise how heavy they would be.He is in the lounge on the dresser with all photos around him, I do talk to him every day which isn’t easy as tears just roll down my face,I just can’t believe he isn’t here by my side,he passed away June 23rd glioblastoma brain tumour …was only diagnosed march 9th ,took him from me and our children so quickly…David passed away at home in the evening,we were all at his bedside.He was 75yrs
Old but he a young 75 everyone said blimey he doesn’t look his age,he was a fit man always on the go,he hated sitting and not doing something…I miss him so so much,it’s so quite here not a sound😪
4 Likes
Good morning Toondale and 1975 Deborah, just to say I feel your pain and hope today is better for you. Some are terrible but sometimes a slightly better one comes along. We’ll never stop missing our lovely husbands and so many things conspire to shatter us unexpectedly, reminding us we are on our own now. But…the sun is shining out there and the world’s still beautiful if we can bring ourselves to see it. Sending love xx
2 Likes
Thanks bjane, I think I am doing ok and then I,m back to square one. I was sleeping well over the last week and thought I had cracked it, alas last night I couldn’t sleep at all. I know I have to go with flow so to speak but it’s exhausting isn’t it.
Yes it’s bright and sunny in Lancashire so I am going to do some tidying in the garden. Take care xxx
2 Likes
Yes Toondale it is so exhausting, completely draining .Some days I’m fit for nothing and it feels like one step forward and several back, most frustrating! Good lass, glad you’ve been out in the garden, I have too and it does lift the mood temporarily I think. Plus it’s nice to have actually achieved something and made our men proud. Like you I have Malc’s ashes in the bedroom
and like wise he gets a good talking to too!! Take care and keep smiling xxxx
2 Likes
Weather rubbish in the North East so haven’t been out in the garden. Plus am back at work. I had a really bad night. Looked through photos and cried non stop. Hopefully I’ll sleep ronight💙
2 Likes
Only have to think of my husband which is every minute of the day …and the tears roll down my face.
Still can’t believe he’s gone and won’t see him ever again… absolutely devastated 
2 Likes
Oh. Blue I know how you feel, I was like that yesterday. But not so bad today so there is hope for tomorrow . Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight, if not post on here there’s nearly always someone here at all odd hours! Sending love and hopefully sweet dreams xxxx
2 Likes
Deborah and bjane. It’s so hard. You think you’re doing OK then bam it hits like a tsunami. Recently back from an amazing holiday with my best friends and their dogs. I was able to laugh and enjoy myself. Now back to reality and this new life💔Sending hugs💙
2 Likes
It’s so difficult to comprehend that we won’t see them again. None of us plan for this journey yet we know it is going to happen one day. I wish I had gone to be honest my hubby was a far nicer person than me, I would have given him my reasonably good health And let him stay if I had the choice. Alas we don’t get to choose so we must carry on the best we can and try and make them proud xxx
3 Likes
I told Frankie when he was in an induced coma that if I could I would swap places with him in a heartbeat. He was such a good man and he made me a better person. I agree about making them proud. I have started a new job which is very brave. I know he is proud of me. I am surprising myself by trying to pick out the positives but it’s not easy💙
1 Like
Toondale and Blue, I’ve thought about this a lot and I’ve come to the conclusion that we were the ones left for a reason. Malcolm was a better person than I am, and initially I thought it was so unfair that it should have happened to him and not me. But think what we’re living through , no way would we want them to go through this agony would we? We need to shoulder this for them and we will, we’ll surprise ourselves with what we find we’re able to do. We’ll definitely make them proud! Love and hugs❤️XX
3 Likes
Strongly agree bjane. When Frankie passed my son said " Mam you’re hard as nails. You’ve been through so much s*#t in your life" Since June I have had many firsts. Wedding anniversary, my birthday, holiday and starting a new job. My counsellor pointed this out to me and said I am starting a new life without even realising. I will always love Frankie and he will always be my husband no matter what happens. I know he would want me to live my best life even tho that seems so far off💙
1 Like
Well done you, Blue 1 , those things you’ve already managed while hardly realising. That’s what I love about having a counsellor, they can flag up things that we haven’t properly noticed and make us realise that we are actually starting to embark upon this alien, unwanted life. I’ve had Malc’s birthday, our wedding anniversary and our son’s special birthday . Also last week I went on a day trip on a train, completely on my own which I wanted to do to see if I could be brave enough without Malcolm. I’d never been on a long train journey without him by my side, he always made me feel
so safe. Sometimes I feel I’m never going to
manage without him, I loved him and miss him so much. But every time one of those little obstacles gets overcome I get a sense that I’m getting a little bit stronger. This isn’t the life we ever wanted but it’s the one we’ve got and if we keep making Malc and Frankie proud, then we’re doing okay! Love and hugs xxx
2 Likes
Hi 1975deborah,
I feel exactly like you. I am having a really bad day today and can’t stop crying. I am trying to be brave but it is so hard. This is the first time I have been quite this bad and it worries me that I am going backwards instead of forwards.
Like you, I worry about illness and the future and I really don’t know what to do with myself. I think it is the normal part of grieving but it HURTS!!
2 Likes
Hello Ann, so sorry you’re feeling so sad, it’s truly awful when it hits. I was like that yesterday for no apparent reason and it really does hurt, everything feels hopeless and pointless with no end in sight. And also
it feels so lonely But hopefully tomorrow will be better. Will write to you tomorrow , we should be going to bed now! Sending you a massive hug 
xxxx