reality hits spike,its the hardest part,or it was,still is for me,i had some notion that there would be a magic button at 12 months,having done all the firsts,but no such luck,all the “second”anniversary dates were tougher this year. i suppose i was still numb/shock first year,looking back some of it was easier than now reality has kicked in. there were a few of us on here yesterday having bad days,no trigger factors required for the roller coaster to get bumpy. sorry not to have magic wand and say everything gets better as we learn to live with the void,im sure it will but it takes time,im sure we all tried to run before we could walk,we learn not to rush,you cant run from this,well,i cant,tried and fell down. good luck
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Spike i am so sorry things are getting worse.I can so relate to how you feel.it will be 18 months a week on sunday since my dear wife left this earth and to be honest things do seem to be getting worse rather than better.I dont think grief will ever leave us, its our constant companion now, its tring to live alongside it somehow.I say to my dear wife every night “ i am trying my best” but sometimes my best doesnt seem good enough.I so miss my dear wife, my heart will forever be broken,a chasm so deep it will never be filled.i so hope things will get better for us and we will see light at the end of the tunnel.Thank you so much for your messages Spike, you so often bring a smile to me with how you are getting on with this awful path we find ourselves on.Please look after yourself.
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Im also 18 months on ..but seem to be going backwards .
My children have been so good to me but I feel i can’t tell them how sad I am feeling .they couldn’t do more than they are .
I feel everyone has moved on and expect me to be feeling OK x
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My husband died just over six months ago. I thought I was getting on ok but the past two days have been hard. I think I know what triggered it but that’s not helping just now.
I also have a huge garden that I am trying to keep under control. The garden was my husband’s domain and I haven’t got a clue. People say I should get a gardener. But then they also say I should get a handyman, a new car etc. What they don’t say is how to pay for it.
It’s all just so hard.
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Julie, no one really understands how we feel, unless they have experienced what we have they just dont get it at all.We cant just get on with our lives and move on,everything has changed for us our lives and ourselves, nothing will ever again be as it was.part of me left with my dear wife, what remains i no longer recognise, the world i live in has been changed forever too, i often feel a stranger in this world, seeing happy couples everywhere all enjoying their lives, i am happy for them but it feels like a form of mental torture, showing us how our life used to be and should still be.I feel i am on a treadmill and just want to get off.I so hope things will get better for us.I tell y wife everynight “i am trying my best” thats all we can do.take things one step at a time, one moment at a time.Please look after yourself Julie.
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I feel the same when I see friends together, I dont want to know about how their holidays have been .
I know this is so wrong but I cant help how I feel ..some days are better than others
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@Rosie59 Eye-opening how many folks you need to hire, to replace a handy husband. When you find good folks, hold on. It does get expensive!
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exactly,im sure my friends think at 22 months i should be”moved on”i have tried to explain the stages of grief,living with the void,im not sure they get it,because i go out/holiday they think i OK,therefore find my “off days” a bit weird! as for my son,my D.I.L. says he still has sad moments,but lucky distraction of the boys,i tell her when im having sad days only because we have far more communication than my son and i….typical! im not sure why i tell her,they cant do anything,maybe i just want them to know how hard it is,feeling sorry for myself…i dunno,thank goodness for SR
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All the jobs can be overwhelming, I think I have them under control ..relax and start all over again x
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My 2 grandchildren are my respite, allow me to forget for a few hours .
My daughter is expecting a baby 1st October so lots to be thankful for..but when you are sad nothing helps x
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words of wisdom from those who dont walk in our shoes,it was suggested i “downsize”the car,yes,its big for little me,but its not very old and its an auto,so i feel i need to keep it,poor public transport down here in cornwall,cars are not a luxury! my husband didnt care for gardening or DIY,so we already had a regular handyman and gardener in place,its expensive,i have spent lots this year,keeping the house in good order,one day it will need to be sold,fingers crossed no more expense for a while, i did decorate myself a new bedroom after adrian died,i wanted a pink and cream room,i was very proud of myself. now its just paying to keep the garden under control. i have just re-read,i see 6 months,early days rosie,as you may have read,ive posted lots over last couple of days, ive felt really low im at 22 months and its tough with or without trigger factors. as i always say thank goodness for SR friends take care rosie
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i miss not seeing my boys as often as i would like,as often as i did in the earlier days ,but busy family life and the weeks go on. maybe they think im coping ok,or my son does. ,and its jen who organises my visits,not sure she tells him about my admission to low days. he saw for himself how upset i was when they left a few weeks ago,thats when the suggestion of me moving up there came about again. im so easily upset at the moment,dont like going backwards at this stage. x
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You stay where you are for as long as you can..sounds like you’ve got a lot of friends .and you can drive which is good .
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i think it was the thought of moving up there that started this low period,im not going yet,the time isnt right,and they are not pushing it, yes,i drive(rather not)and i have a few friends here and at the happy place,i have lots of friends,but few reliable ones,count on one hand friends,they are the best to have in times like this. x
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JAH25,
Anyone who reads this. A big mistake is measuring your journey on this crap path with others. We are all doing the best we can, in very difficult circumstances. Some people seem to be able to cope better then others, but that doesn’t mean that they are not still hurting.
Yes when the steps back come and they do come, we feel like we are doing something wrong. We are not. It’s like bad wave days, they do still hit hard. So all we can do is try and look after ourselves, and remember this is your journey.
Take care.
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You are so right. I lost my husband 4 years ago next months & the ups & downs are all still there. good luck to everyone on this horrid journey x
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thank you,i wont say “good to hear” but reasssuring that for some of us theres no quick fix,as @Nightwish1 says all our paths are different,a term i like is” we are sailing the same storm,som e of our boats handle differently”. i think im doing well,going on holiday with friends,booking my second solo trip,my family are delighted with how im doing,then i start to doubt my plans,i was close to cancelling my feb solo trip to lanzo ,all of a sudden it felt wrong,it wasnt about the amount i was spending,although i did think loose £500 and save £2000.? deep down i think,as i said to @JAH25 ,its the head v heart about where i should think about living,im not overthinking it,but its niggling away,hence should i be thinking long term,not be thinking about holidays? i know what adrian would be saying….go for it,lifes too short,the rest will sort itself out when the time is right. when i write all this on here,i know im saying the right things,pointing myself in the right direction,walk away and the seeds of doubt come back. i dont recall total confusion being part of the stages of grief,but thats where iam at now,mrs motivated,full of positivity which i would pride myself on has slipped away in the last few weeks. thanks for putting the time scale into perspective,my heart goes out to those on here at the beginning of this journey. no rights,no wrongs,just keep being a SR friend.x
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Hi I am 78 & was with my husband for 60 years and married nearly 55 years. I do not drive and have 2 arthritic bone to bone knees. I should have had an op on one in February but because I suffer from anxiety when having blood pressure taken it kept giving high readings. I have 3 boys & one girl, all of who live fairly local ( I live in Surrey ). I very rarely go out as walking is painful. I am at the moment withdrawing from Antidepressants as they were not working so have a lot of sleepless nights & Anxiety through the roof. I feel very alone although I have great children & Grandchildren. It is just not the same although they all think I am doing ok. I dont know why I am telling you all this but I needed to get it off my chest & see if it makes me feel lighter. Thanks for listening.x
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it does help,well,it works for me,my ramblings over the last week,have certainly lightened the load.problem shared and all that. im 73,and yes full of creaking joints,doesnt help the mood,but if i was to loose some weight and move more it would help. note to self!. adrian ,who was then 79 died 22 months ago,we had 11months from diagnosis/prognosis/chemo/surgery/radio. to him having a cardiac arrest out walking,they got his heart going,but sadly no brain function,my only consolation is he died with cancer not of cancer(bowel and liver) prior we had 11 years of retired bliss. so thankful for those wonderful years just doing everything together. my son and daughter in law live in portishead(im in cornwall),2 grandsons 12 and 10. i used to visit 4 weekly(by train)now its more 6-8 weekly,they have busy busy lives,and probably think im doing better,although i make sure they know when im not,my DIL is a great communicator,alas my son is rubbish at it…men! as for friends,well,you soon find out who they are,something we all comment on. i have a handful i can rely on,the others are all broken promises.mainly those are his/our friends. the my/our friends have stuck with me. we did try and talk about “me” after he had gone,all too emotional,but it was basically,get out there,keep travelling,im sure hes quite proud of me,hope so,i talk to him all day. i cant say that im anxious/depressed,just grieving,and this sudden loss of motivation is making me tired,maybe its the prolonged hot weather,makes you listless,who knows! anyway,thats my story,its good to chat. mandy
Yes, we are all different. We are all made from our experiences in life, upbringing etc. Some have relatives around or children, others have no one. Grief of a partner has to be one of the most painful and lonely things in life. I’ve found it a huge daily struggle, and have no one to lean on. I often wonder what I’m meant to do now, most days I spend alone. Walking groups and social meetings are not my thing, others are ok doing that. I am trying to live alone having never done it ever, it’s hard to start over. Another painful weekend,without seeing a sole. Will have to pop to shop for food, although living on sandwich’s mainly, so today’s contact will be saying Thankyou to a cashier. Tomorrow, home with the radio. I know I’m not the only one, Take care.
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