Completely understand how your visit to Tesco affected you. I have left my trolley behind and walked out of Morrisons on more than one occasion ! Just a chance remark, even picking up my husband’s favourites by mistake can trigger tears. Watching elderly couples shopping just as my husband and I used to makes me sad. The best thing is to go back to the scene as soon as you feel able. Not easy I know, but my dear Dad always said get back on your bike as soon as possible when you fall off. Be kind to yourself. Always here to listen even if I don’t have the answers. Just letting out your sadness really seems to help I find.
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Oh my gosh yes it seems everything I see in the supermarket reminds me of Ron, “ Don’t forget the kit kats” and his favorite crisps etc, when I see them on the shelves I cry behind my sunglasses,
And as for seeing the elderly couples doing there shop it makes my heart ache that I have no lovely kind and gentle Ron to link arms with while shopping, and he would always say would you like some flowers or pick out something nice for yourself.
I suffer with panic disorder and Ron would always tell me to grab onto him when we were out and about I’ll mind you he used to say,he was my absolute Anchor in life, and I feel completely lost and alone without him.
When I used to say to him your my little Anchor Ron he used to say in mock annoyance what did you call me lol.
Oh how I miss our silly little jokes .
Rest in Heavenly peace my darling X
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Gerronamo
At 6 weeks i was still crying as i walked around the lake at the country park i go to hiding my face looking down unable to talk to people its not that it gets easier its that you learn to carry the grief with you and control your emotions i now can see the young bride i married in 1989 and the good times we had more so than the bad times and i can talk to those walkers who choose to talk to me its a hell of a price to pay for loving someonebut some people never have that their whole life so cherish your memories they are so special and take one day at a time
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Dear Andy thank you for your reply
Death is so final at 6 weeks I sill sort of expect him to walk through the door like nothing happened, I even said to my daughter the other day if Ron came in the door this minute I wouldn’t even get a fright or be shocked she kind of gave me a peculiar look, but I guess I’m still in the denial stage of this Horror show we are all going through
With the help of God we can somehow survive until we are reunited with our loved ones again …
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At the 6 week mark I was a complete wreck and trying my best to fill a void I could never fill so I could blot the horror out.
I could not function to be honest and felt ill, my whole body felt as though it had shut down and I could not eat. I had panic attacks going out. It was horrendous and I was so worried I would never have a life again of some sort.
I’m now at 36 weeks since John suddenly died and it’s better but will never ever be completely ok because only one person can change that and very sadly that can’t happen.
I have turned to friends who have been unbelievably supportive and let my sons get on with their lives but I can turn to them at anytime.
Sometimes I do try n fill all my time but I can’t, no one can…I have days where I am really tearful but not the gut wrenching feelings I did have and I have more ‘ happy ‘ days in between.
I’m trying to enjoy my home again as I spent so much time at Johns house and it’s beginning to work.
Saturday coming I have the awful task of scattering Johns ashes so it’ll feel like a wound being scratched open again so I know this weekend will be just awful but I’ll roll with it knowing a better day will come along .
Those better days will eventually happen for you so just keep posting on here because we all understand and we’re all here to help each other.
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Mitzi thank you so much for replying It means an awful lot.
I am so genuinely sorry that you lost your John Suddenly that must have been horrific. I had some time to prepare for my Ronnie’s departure, but I was in total denial, even though he was wasting away in front of me from stomach cancer. The penny would not drop that he was actually dying. I did not want to believe it. We did not live together, but either I was at his place or he was at mine. So we were constantly together for 32 years. Now he’s gone and I’m left in a heap, not know what to do. ISO miss going to his house for the games, a Scrabble and crosswords and watching Colombo on the Telly. It just breaks my heart.
I’m just wondering around the place on autopilot ATM ronnie would hate to see me like this.So I have got to try and pull myself together someway, I look in the mirror and I have aged about ten years in the past few few weeks i have just got the Scrabble ready to give to the charity shop.
I will be thinking of you when you are scattering. John’s ashesI will be thinking of you when you are scattering. John’s Ashes.
AndI will be thinking of you when you are scattering. John’s Ashes.
And I will also say a little prayer that you will have the strength on the day to get through. I’m sure your John is looking down on you. As well and he will help you through it all.
Take care of yourself and God bless X
Sorry for the tying errors I am doing the talking text thing and I’m not very good with it..x
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Gerronimo
It helps me to know other people have mad thoughts
I’ve wondered if I could just pretend he’s away but of course he would be in touch all the time
I’d never been with any one so considerate let along loving or funny The list goes on
Now 3 and a half months later I’m having bearable times for near all of some days
I told someone yesterday that I was widowed in July and she said Oh that’s nothing !Oh somebody actually understands
I feel so glad that I’ve go to a stage where I can look at his pictures and kiss him good night Then ask when is he coming home Then it’s have his watch on my arm so it feels like his arm is round me and cuddle up with his jumper I’m finding little routines help a bit
Still waiting for everything to come right again 
At the moment I have projects to fulfil that we were planning so that fill up some time
Be kind to your self It’s so tiring grieving x
Our circumstances similar as not living together but me n John only had two n half years together, the best of both our lives. We were a perfect match.
I envy you your 32 years.
I used to so love driving to his house not being able to wait to see him and he was the same driving to mine.
On Saturday that drive will be horrible…
You will pull yourself together when you are ready and it takes a great effort which is trying and tiring. Just now it’s too raw for you.
Our lives will never be the same but we will always have our wonderful memories.
Have you got good family and friends to help you.
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I’ve got a fantastic daughter who has been my complete rock, she encourages me to have a good cry as I am always crying and apologising to her. But she said she would be worried about me if I wasn’t crying that the grief would have to come out. Some way or other. I am not really able to face family members or friends at the moment. As I am mostly lying in bed, crying.My eyes out.
Will you keep some of john’s ashes at home with you?I have got Rons in an urn by my bedside, with lots of pictures of both of us in happier days, gone by i also got some memorial jewellery, it’s across that you open the top of it.And put some ashes in, I also got a lock of runs hair to cherish, he used to always say to me, is my hair alright? And before we left the house i never dreamt in my wildest dreams that that same hair would be in a locket around my neck..
With the help of God, we will all feel better in time to come.But it will take time, it helps so much to have a group like this.Where people understand exactly what we’re all going through….
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Nightwish1
I hope you are ok?moving is such a big decision to make.My dear wife and i moved here to livw with her mum after her dad passed.My wife lived here before we were married with her mum and dad.My wife loved her garden and home here.Even though my dear wife passed here in february and her mum passed here too, i feel her spirit still here somehow and the memories too, some very happy some very sad.I feel i just couldnt move to be honest even though it takes some looking after.It would break my heart.Take care,
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Brummy,
I hope you are ok. My heart, says I am staying like you good memories and bad ones. This was going to be are forever home and sadly it was. Like you i feel closer to my Sue here.
Take care.
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Trying to sort out various paperwork of my wifes mums, we had made a start.I find it all so upsetting though even doing this , like shredding documents.I know it all sounds silly.i think its so important to be guided by our heart, sometimes our head feels more like overruling it but our heart is where we hold our dear loved ones close to us.Take care.
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Brummy
Started shredding paperwork of Sharons that are no longer of use brummy i dont want to leave it all for my sons to do if anything happens to me, waterworks and electric shredders do not mix i could hardly see what i was shredding maybe it helped ,made me come to terms with reality anyway i suppose it all helps but its not pleasant
I have separated some of Johns ashes which I have in a beautiful pot in my bedroom to go with me when it’s my turn. I have also thought of a gold bracelet with ashes too.
I have a keepsake box with some of his hair, his wallet n car key, a watch I bought him at Xmas, his aftershave, his mobile which unfortunately I can’t remember his code and all our texts are on there and of course his funeral service booklet.
At the beginning I had photos everywhere and his dressing gown on the back of the door and his bathrobe in the shower room but then I found I could not look at them because it wasn’t comforting me it was making me worse so now I have one picture in my room n one downstairs.
I had to take his foto of my mobile wall paper because it was too much. I’ve also moved but kept his dressing n bath robes and his shaving stuff.
I had to move it all for my sanity to be honest.
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Mitzi,
I have a necklace with andrews ashes in that i put on the day his ashes came back and ive never taken it off. Its my way of ensuring andrew goes everywhere I go xx
I find it comforting and if I go out with family my granddaughter points at it and says grandads coming too.
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morning all,another dark,dank day down in cornwall,im off by train later to spend 4 nights with my family in portishead. i think its the weekend that my future will be on the agenda,they thought after a year i would be ready to think ahead. i can understand why they want me to move up there,my head says yes,my heart says no, so for now its going on the back burner,im sure they will understand. i have 2 small friend groups who have been with me on this journey,they made sure i went out,taken me on holiday,i cant leave them,i still need/want them with me. catch up next week. love to all. mandy
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Manb
I can see the significance and value of people who know you as the person you are now and have shown compassion at your hardest time
Also they sound a good crowd to spend this next period with
When I think of the inconvenience of me being a few hours away from family I have to tell myself it’s not Patagonia!
I have agreed to rush back and stay with them as soon as I suspect something is wrong so I can ride out a storm if necessary under their wing
If it turns out to be nothing I am to be allowed to go home again
I know it won’t always be that easy
When I think of all the grey and white hairs they gave me 
!!!
Enjoy your family time
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I had Kevins slippers in the hallway for sometime and then had to move them as everytime i came in the door they were there. I do still have his toothbrush and shaving stuff in my bathroom , I know i will move these in time. I like you had to take Kevs picture off my phone as it was too upsetting seeing it everytime i opened my phone. I do wear his dressing gown and sleep in his T shirts , I suppose it makes me still feel close to him. Kevin passed away suddenly April 14th to SADS , 3 years was just not enough time with him as he was just simply the best. I noticed that you were with John for 2 years . Life is just so cruel sometimes !!!
I like your positivity and enjoy reading your posts Mitzi
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I understand completely were your coming from and like you I have kept some of Rons ashes in a box in my bedroom for my Ashes to be mixed with it when I go. I let my daughter know my wishes. It’s so hard to discuss.
Also like you I have one of Rons main mobile phones that I don’t know the pin number two. There was lots of messages, text, etcetera and pictures of us, both on that the other phone I put a top-up voucher on as I knew the pin number was the same as mine. It broke my heart to see. I’ll see pictures of us. And text messages, way . I made inquiries on line as to how I could get my deceased partners, phone, good lucked, and I was told that i need a copy of his Death Certificate. Which I have got and I can bring it into any phone shop.I’m not quite ready to do that yet, but I will when I feel a bit stronger.back in happy times exactly a year to the day of Rons passing last September 22nd we had went down to windsor and had the most wonderful day ever i remember I kept saying this was a really good Day Out. I really enjoyed it. How was I ever to know that the same day this year?I would be holding Rons hands as he took his last breath 
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