I lost my lovely husband in April and like you, am in my 50’s. I volunteer on my local park and was dreading taking my first steps on there with my dogs but with the help of my two kids, we took the plunge.
As always, my volunteering family were truly amazing and have worked alongside me or given me the space I need when they’ve spotted me working alone on the other side of the park. Being able to be outside and keeping busy has been so good for me but the other day, a regular dog walker came up to me and expressed surprise to see me working so soon after my husbands death. He asked if I realised that it was ok to mope around, wallow and cry. I was tempted to reply with two words that begin with f and end in f but instead I pointed out that I carry my broken heart in my body wherever I go and whatever I do. I also explained that heartache can be eased a little by the support of others around me. I’ve not seen him since.
I am so glad I found this forum. It helps a teeny bit to know that this awful heartbreaking life is understood by others.
With best wishes to all
Louise
Well Louise have have made me smile, I can imagine what the postman was saying under his breath. It’s a weird feeling, my heart pounds the same when the post comes, don’t know what we think going to come.
How many children do you have ? How old are they ? I have 3, a son age 26, he lives in Manchester and twin girls 23 both still at home.
Hi Ladies, I’m a little further on than you in this nightmare of a journey as Im approaching the 1st anniversary of my husband’s death. My concentration is still terrible. I can flick the tv channels and concentrate on lightweight stuff but reading is a no no. People say this is really common. I went back to work 5 months ago and dear knows how I’ve managed that! What I can remember in the initial months were strong feelings of fear, anxiety and confusion. These have definitely lessened. Not gone completely but better.
People do struggle to know what to say and I too have heard all the platitudes that you have heard. It doesn’t bother me now as I have come to realise that the only person who can look out for you is you. It’s a lonely existence in a busy world and it’s through reading all your posts - strong ladies who are in a situation that we all share and never imagined - that I keep sane.
Weekends are especially difficult - sending positive and warm vibes to you all. Cx
‘Strong ladies indeed’. There are far more women on this site than men. Men get bereaved too of course, so why aren’t there more? Men tend to bottle up from a variety of emotions. Fear of being seen as ‘unmanly’, whatever that means! Crying is always a problem. Boys are often told ‘men don’t cry’. No? I do and so do many others and it’s no problem to me.
Women always are able to ‘open up’ far more easily than men. It’s why they cope better. The release of emotions is essential in grief. Sites like this allow for that expression and thank God for them.
I agree Cristal, we must take care of ourselves. It’s so easy to not take care. This is not being selfish, but in all our pain we need remember there are others to whom we may be responsible and who may also be upset.
If we are alone as I am, then kind neighbours and others would be hurt if I ignored them, and that would be unfair. It’s always a case of what you give you receive. Bitterness and anger may well be returned. Love and compassion will always be given back
“Give, and it shall be given unto you, tamped down and running over”.
I found it difficult not to be angry and yes, bitter at first. Then coming on this site made me realise it is almost certain to occur in the early stages of grief.
I don’t feel that any longer. But I do feel thankful for all the kindness I received from friends and even strangers. But nothing can equal the love and understanding on this site. A common adversity can unite so many. Thanks to you all for your posts. Blessings.
A lovely and reflective post Jonathon123. Thank you. At my low and lonely moments I turn to the site and feel lifted and bolstered. I also know that if it had been me who had gone first my husband would have been completely lost and would never have shared his feelings with anyone or even considered any type of support. I really don’t think he would have coped without me and he knew that too. This is a nightmare for me but would have been the depths of hell for him.
I try to focus my mind on the here and now. I don’t dwell on the past too much and I don’t project to the future. It’s the only way I can get through the days. My life now is flat. I just plod in as best I can. I find pod casts quite distracting and download a lot from the BBC Sounds App to listen to whilst I walk and garden. It’s the loneliness that’s hard to deal with and what I call “white noise” in my head. Peace and tranquility to you all. Cx
Hello Jonathan, I really wish I could think like you. In my mind, if that were true, give and it shall be given, my lovely husband would be with me now. He was the most kind, generous, caring dad and husband, brother and uncle. He was everything to everyone. It didn’t get him anywhere. Taken at 55, never to see his children florid into adulthood, never see them get married, never see his grandchildren. How it that fair ? What positives can we take from that. I’m not trying to upset you, just asking the questions. Like I say, I wish I could think like you, I really do.
Hi Lesley
I have two but my daughter is married and lives in Texas and my son is in the military. I’m on my own with my hounds and very, very old cat. To be honest though, I was on my own for a long time with my hubby being ill in hospital so I was sort of used to it.
Funnily enough, when I came in yesterday there were 6 envelopes in the porch and when I saw them I thought of our conversation. There was nothing worrying at all but that same old dread filled my chest.
Blessings to you too Jonathan.
Sometimes I think ladies appear strong because you want your kids, family, friends to think you are ok. I especially do this, I hate feeling like a burden to so to the outside world i’m cracking on and doing as best I can.
What they don’t see is when i’m watching something on tv, cleaning, trying to sleep where I absolutely sob my heart out, for what seems like hours. Then, next morning, i’m back out with the dogs.
At least on here we can be honest and a little less proud.
I am still like a recycling ninja though, in and out having scoured the area before my record breaking run round the garden.
Stay strong Jonathan and Crystal.
With best wishes
Lou
Hi, I have a brother that lives in Texas, I’ve never been out there. He does keep inviting me. How long has your daughter lived over there. What dogs do you have ? I have two myself, a Beagle called Millie, she is 12. I also have a German Shepard called Lottie, she is a pup 9 months old. They are just lovely dogs.
It’s hard suddenly being without my husband, I went to work as normal, got a phone call and my life changed drastically from that moment, such a shock. You say your husband was ill for a long time, that must have been devistating for you, don’t know how I would have coped, although I wish I had been able to say I loved him one more time. Well I’m not good at cheering you up am I. So what are you up to today ? It’s good weather here in Severn Beach xx
I don’t think there is one person on here who wishes they had said more to their dying partners. I had the chance, we all did and we told him he was loved more than he would ever know, but I wish I could have had a normal conversation, just the two of us about our lives together.
My hounds are Heinz 57’s rescue dogs. Both loving, nuts and adorable. We all sleep together, not the best I know but it’s like they think they are allowing me into their bed. Better than just me though.
My girl has lived in T for 3 years. I visited last year and to be honest, I would say it was more of an interesting experience. A little bit like visiting another planet. Good though, well worth the 10 hour flight. Will probably go next year but she will be back at beginning of Dec for 6 weeks.
I’m off out volunteering on the park now, we have a show on and it’s pouring down.
With best wishes, have as best a day as you can.
Lou
Hi Cristal, I texted a friend and told them how sad I am after losing my partner and he said oh are you still feeling that way ‘eh yes’ after 5 months I think I will feel this way after 5 years ! Your post said everything I feel - virtual cuddle to us all on this horrible journey without our loved ones - jus breaks my heart to be without him - Wilma D xx
Hi
I lost my hubby 7 months ago. I’m struggling with being without him. I also feel angry for cancer taking him. He was an awesome hubby and Dad. Different people grieve in many ways. I’ve learnt to let my feelings out and feel how I want. Memories are great but also very upsetting. Your heart will tell you and your inner self will help you get through it
My Dear Lesleym.
Now why would you want to upset me? Of course you don’t. I am older than you and maybe I see things differently. I am positive as I can be, but it’s still rough going at times, believe me. After 10 months the pain is still there. Not as bad as it was but there.
My wife who never hurt anyone had a bad six months before she died. I was bitter and angry and doubted my faith. I don’t feel that way now because I know her life gave pleasure to many and she helped many.
Trying to find reasons in life for traumatic events is not good. We are in such a state that it’s enough to cope with what’s happened never mind why. We have no answer to the eternal question. ‘Why!’. No one else has either. It’s life; an aspect of life which we could well do without.
You say it didn’t get him anywhere. But surely the way you describe him shows he did make a lasting impression on others. So a life well lived, no matter what age we are, is still a blessing.
On my tombstone the words ‘He Did His Best’ will be enough for me. We can only do our best. Using the word ‘fair’ in the context of life is a forlorn hope. What’s fair about life and the world? Many, like those who run sites like this and charity workers are kind and understanding. There are many good people about.
It didn’t stop your husband giving. It won’t stop you giving and helping others in pain. You would not be here otherwise. I bet the love he gave was returned.
At the moment there’s not a lot you can do to calm your emotions. But keep posting, it helps a lot. May the Angels of light and love walk with you.
I lost my husband in 8th July, he was my soulmate and I miss him so much. We didn’t quite make our 40th wedding anniversary which will be in September.
He was diagnosed with prostate cancer 5 years ago which had spread to his spine then just weeks before he died it had gone to his brain and he lost the ability to speak.
He became totally dependent on me and I looked after him at home until he lost his very brave battle.
People ask me every day how I am and you know what…I am totally heart broken!
How anyone can say ‘it will get easier’ clearly has no comprehension of what we are going through!!
Like you I am in my 50s and a life without him is unbearable. I too find it hard to concentrate and haven’t even turned on the tv since I lost him.
I am starting back to work on Monday…I’ll just have to see how it goes.
I’m taking everything day at a time, thinks can’t get any worse.
Hi Tracey,
I am sorry for your loss too. Today was a first major milestone. My daughters birthday. Going out as a 3 and not a 4 was hard, but we did it and raised a glass to an amazing father and husband who is missed every minute of every day. Sarahmay x
I lost my husband in June with no warning so couldn’t say goodbye. I go to sleep but always wake up at 1am and then toss and turn for what seems like hours. I also have rashes that itch and am seeing a nurse on Monday. Must be common. I just wish I could turn the clock back just a few months. Every day is a challenge but some days are a bit better than others. Sending my thoughts and hugs to everyone. I live near Bath for the person who asked where we all are,
Hi Poppy
So sorry to hear about your husband. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to have lost him suddenly.
I still lie awake re living those times at the hospital. I suppose that will ease with time but it’s bloomin hard trying to carry on with your day when you’ve only had an hours sleep.
I live in Manchester and I suppose there are lots of people like me around here.
My fellow park volunteers have been truly amazing, hugging me if I need it and giving me space.
I don’t know if you have anything like that near where you live but for me, it’s been a godsend. Just being able to switch my brain off from time to time and get knee deep in mud (I know, I should get out more) has helped me carry on.
Sending best wishes to you, stay strong. It’s such early days but by being on here, hopefully you will realise that we are all in this together…understanding and sending big hugs to Bath.
Hello MancunianGirl
Thanks for your reply. I expect you might be off gardening!! We don’t have anything like it round here but I do volunteer at the Dog and Cat’s Home in Bath every Thursday in the fundraising office. They are such a fun lot and there is often a puppy to cuddle or kittens to play with. It certainly helps to get lost in something else for a little while. Take care, sending hugs from Bath