I agree that the length of time together isn’t the deciding factor about how dreadful the loss is. The love we have for them is more the point. No amount of time with the right person is ever enough, which is why I’m grateful that I believe I’ll be with Richard for eternity some day.
There are many things I need to do here first though so that keeps me going. I’m currently looking at the sky to decide whether it’ll stay dry long enough for me to put some new plants in before we go to visit Richard’s aunt who was 90 last Friday.
Hi Angelalouisa,
I am just existing to be honest. Most days I cry and cry. Just feel empty and sad all the time.
Some days I can actually do a little bit of sorting her things but other days I am not strong enough.
I went to her house yesterday and brought 5 large black bags of things here so this week i am going to aim to find homes in my house for them. It is very upsetting though.
After mums funeral I have felt worse. There doesn’t seem to be a role for me anymore. Just wish I could see her one more time.
I have loads of jobs to do in my house as we had started renovating upstairs and were decorating our bedroom but I just can’t find the strength to do much at the moment. I have ordered new furniture which will arrive in may so once that happens I will have to be more motivated.
Thinking of you
Deborah x
Dear Angelalouise what a tough time for you… people can be so insensitive at times …. I hope there are one or two people who can support you with care, offer empathy and can give you courage…. None of us asked to lose our loved ones….,our best friends … we had little choice in what happened… I believe I have a choice as to how I navigate my way through the darkness, I need to be kind to myself, I need to surround myself with people who understand and care…those that are not able to offer that at the moment I have stepped back from… I will only do things that help me rather than things that hurt or harm me ….
I am lucky I have 3 dogs (2 older ones and young one ) … my beloved husband had worked hard with her, I had also done a lot and she is now a beautiful responsive dog… when I feel particularly low and sad they are always there by my side ….
Thinking of you and sending hugs x
Dear Karen your strength is an inspiration and like you I believe it is not the length of time you had together but the love you shared. I know my beloved Gavin is with me, sitting-on my shoulder helping me to put one foot in front of the other.I have so much to be grateful for and so much to live for… it is a different live, I miss him so much but I want to make him proud and honour him big hugs xx
I think what ever you do volunteering working going out with friends. It never hides the fact you are going back to an empty house or to tell anyone what you have been doing. I have just been on a warners holiday with a couple of friends. Great time but now back feel so much emptiness and sadness. Do what ever is best for you. Good luck everyone x
Same here my husband will always be my husband no one will ever replace i will love him untill its my turn to go and then i will have my ashes put in with his so we are back together again
I am Mrs and always will be.
He is all around me and always will be.
He is is my best friend, soulmate and love of my life and always will be.
Our love is true, deep and forever there and always will be.
He is mine and I am his and we will be in the same plot together and always will be.
Rob and Charm always will be xxxxx
@Angelalouisa, a sudden heart attack took my husband away from us, in November 2020. To be honest with you, during the first year, I was in complete utter shock, feeling like a robot, my mind in a world of its own,as if I was in another dimension. I kept my emotions to myself, put on a’brave face’, not talking to anyone, but this wasn’t a really good idea. Then my MIL fell and broke her thigh bone, she was already suffering from dementia. Can you imagine? Just three months after losing her son! So our nightmare just continued, all that silly old paperwork we were forced to get through, looking after my poor MIL (she only had me and my kids), I was going mad, I found myself shouting one day: “For God’s sake, I haven’t even had time to grieve my beloved husband, yet!”
Now I’m coping better, the pain doesn’t go away, I miss and will miss my husband more and more each day, but we do learn to live with our loss, I’m not just saying this for the sake of it, I honestly believe this. How do I cope? Well, I still feel my husband as being a part of me, we were married 25 years, and we were ‘one person’, and always will be. He has left my kids and I a legacy of knowledge and his huge love and total dedication he had for us, this gives me comfort and strength to go on. I manage to cope also by thinking that he’s helping me in my struggle, holding my hand as he guides me along. I learned so much from him about life, this keeps me going, I wouldn’t be able to make it otherwise.
I would suggest spending time outdoors, getting lots of fresh air, if possible amongst nature, in the countryside. Nature therapy has helped me a lot, but it’s easy for me as I happen to live in the countryside anyway.
Sending you a virtual hug.
Just had my first counselling by phone was hard and i cried alot told her i wanted to be called mrs as even though my husband is no longer with me he is still my husband and always will be and nothing anyone can say will stop the pain i feel xx
Hello there Sheila
I must agree with so much of what you are saying. The years are passing by for me also and I can remember when I first came onto this forum. It is like being sent to hell but we do find our way back again given time.
Like so many I wanted to be in touch with other grieving people and joined a grief group, went for group counselling, joined a dance class, did voluntary work at a local church but in the end I found that my/our tried and trusted hobbies were the best to stick with. I also went overboard and totally burnt myself out in the first months and made myself ill. I was decorating the week after losing Brian. My family thought I had gone mad. I also now lead a life I can cope with and try not to push myself too much. I am happy enough with my own company although I do meet friends when walking the dogs and at our allotments and this suits me.
Although we are thrown all out of sync when we lose our loved ones I have found that life has a habit of finding us when we are ready.
We did a lot of travelling but I have no inclination to be bothered now. I don’t miss it so I obviously don’t need it.
Pat
xxx
@Lonely I am so proud of you making the effort, on top of everything you are going threw, just remember it’s like grief as in you need baby steps and don’t be hard to yourself. If you cheat, DON’T let it beat you and you give up, think well that’s today over, tomorrows another day. Keep us update as I’m sure we are all backing you. Well done xxx
@Dottie72 You poor love, when things are hard enough, then this, I know it’s nothing but the best I can do is send you a great big hug, all my love xxx
sue11
Good for you for try the counselling hope it helped I will not be labelled as a widower i’m still married not in the eyes of the law But in my eyes yes I am and no one can take that away
steve xx
@Angelalouisa
You poor love, you are not alone, not on this site and certainly not with what people say, we have all had insensitive things like that said: mine was “you’ll meet some new, your young enough, it’s what he would have wanted!” AND “you’ve got a new life, get on with it”
I know some people don’t know what to say, but honestly they’d be better keeping their traps shut! All I can think is they won’t be singing from that hymn sheet when it happens to them. Honestly we are all here for each other, on bad days pouring our hearts out & on better days doing our best to comfort. Until you suffer this, you just don’t understand it & we all know how hard it is. Baby steps, take one day at a time, and please try & be kind to yourself (not easy I know!) xxx
I have never considered myself anything but married. Still wear our rings and call myself Mrs both verbally and on forms.
I didn’t find couselling much use for me and was told I didn’t need it. I suppose because I didn’t spend the time crying. Not something I do in front of people. I did cry buckets when alone though.
@Solost I do the same, I say hold my hand Mark & I like to think that’s what he still does when things are tough, also every night be before I tell him night night & I love him same as we did every night, he was alive, I tell him how much I miss him & about my day, some of you may think it’s crazy, but it’s what works for me & we have all got to find a way of coping with this new life we never asked for or wanted!
All this mention of widowhood, Mark & I were both 58 when he died suddenly last August, we had been together since we were 18 but had never married. When all my family died I said I never wanted to marry as they wouldn’t be there, plus we were happy as we were. We finally decided on getting married but then COVID came & with one thing & another we were planning it when we went away this year. Anyways what hard work it’s been because we weren’t married (luckily we did have wills) even down to at his funeral I was NOT his next of kin, his brother was (no problems with his brother, but boy after 40 years it hurt) I’m still fighting his pensions, his work pension has gone to the trustees to decide if I am entitled to 50% as we are not married! Oh boy, just at the hardest time of our lives, they don’t help in any way, shape or form. Big group hug xxx
@Sulane I do exactly the same. We have conversations, I show him things and kiss things he wore. I always say love you night like we always. Lo often shoutout his nickname Bean hoping he will answer. I also put my hand out to hold
So sorry you’re going through all this @Sulane. It’s so heartbreaking when all we want is some peace and quiet while we are trying to grieve, but all we get is huge stacks of paperwork thrust at us, insensitive officials and crazy regulations to follow.
With regards to your previous post, no, I don’t think you’re crazy at all and I’m sure none of us do here. You are just still in love with your life partner, like we all are, death can’t take that away.
