Pattidot
unfortunately i’ve had this with so called friends on several occasions i am learning to just walk away where as before I would of took a swing at them We are All going through a tough time ,without adding more stress and anger to our selves
steve xxx
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Totally agree with what you have said bussteve1. Just walk away from people who do anything in the slightest to hurt you. Life is so short as we all know to deal with any unhappiness that we don’t need or can avoid. I often kill people with kindness as that is what my mum used to tell me to do and indeed my gran but I have now realised that if I continue doing that people just keep coming back with the same silly nonsense. I prefer my own company these days and am so glad I have cut certain people out of my life.
I found after my mum passed I was getting text messages asking all sorts and as I was vulnerable and in the deepest of grief I found myself replying to everyone and every text message even though they were asking very personal questions. I was not in the right frame of mind and now I realise how heartless some people were. I have changed my phone and it is so liberating. When certain people have asked I have said I no longer have a phone lol. I can screen phone calls to my landline so it is wonderful.
Now that mums funeral has been some family members have well and truly gone. They haven’t been in touch and that is fine. I know exactly who the people who care for me are and it’s just reinforced what I already knew.
I have more friends on here than I could ever wish for and I feel so blessed
Hope you are okish today
Deborah x
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I think we are also all “extra sensitive” at the moment, any wrong word can send us off, but we have the right to be so, don’t we? We are going through hell, and everyone else should understand this and think before speaking.
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seychelles
I bumped into a so call friend who is now retired and had split with his wife several years before ,He was sorry to hear about my wife passing Then said to me" But it’s easier for you at least you know where your wife is I don’t " It was only 4 weeks after I lost my wife in july and it was like a Red Rag To a Bull
steve xx
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Aww bussteve1,
For goodness sake what is wrong with some people. But when you think about it it’s no wonder he is split from his wife if he has a mind like that to say such things.
I prefer to stay in my house mostly at the moment because it causes me less stress. Bumping into people would be my idea of hell.
We are all very lucky to have such wonderful people on this site. People who really understand.
I used to be a teacher and always said that children would learn something from doing or experiencing things first hand. Far better than reading things from books although don’t get me wrong I love reading . It is the same for us . We are learning first hand what grief is all about and these so called people who come into our lives and say what they think do not have a clue until it happens to them or they experience it. It will a different story then.
My husbands mum is 92 and very frail although she lives on her own. She has carers every day and my husband is already preparing himself for the end whenever that may be . He has said that after seeing what I am going through he needs to start thinking about how he will handle it as he has had such an eye opener with the things I have gone through.
I know looking back I should have done things differently I should have allowed my son and husband to deal with phone calls and text messages. I should have protected myself more from remarks made. i should have made myself unavailable and so on. As they say you learn from your mistakes
However I did do my lovely mum proud and everything I did was what she would have wanted so that in itself is all I ever wanted. Not stupid people saying silly remarks and whatever. As my mum always said Rise above it Deb so I shall hold my head up high and carry on .
I love that saying RED RAG TO A BULL lol
Deborah x
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seychelles
If i had not been told about this site at this point in time I don’t know where I would be, It’s a place to feel safe and let your feelings come to the surface
steve
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I’ve mentioned on this site previously regarding “friend” & neighbour with no concept of what’s ahead of her or her hubby.
Shortly after my hubby passed, I told her I really missed his shirts on the washing line - she laughed & asked was I just going to keep them & hang them out from time to time?
Maybe trivial & funny to some but I can never forget how hurtful that was & still is.
After a few more of her “gaffs” I decided after 40 years I was done.
G. X
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I know bussteve. i stumbled upon it on facebook approx a week after mum passed like it was meant to happen. I have never joined such a group like this before and was a bit worried at the start but I have no regrets. It has helped me so much especially at night when I wake up in a state and need to just read other peoples posts or look for replies. An absolute godsend.
Having support 24/7 is what we all need.
Deborah x
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seychelles
As with many of us we have A Choice Either Sink or Swim over the last 8 months I have sunk A lot , My wife was a very tough and strong willed person I know she would let me sink for a while But will always put her hand out and drag me back to the surface. This site not in a million years would I think I would need But here I am It’s a Life Line
steve
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Being a carer for my wife for the last 5 years ,Being regimental with her medication makes me wonder ,Did I do it wrong ,she spent some much time in and out of hospital ,I made sure discharge letter had All her medication was written down , I followed it to the letter every time they changed it ,To this day I feel Did i make a mistake Did I do some thing wrong and she would still be here
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@bussteve1 - we are all guilty of thinking if I had done this or that things may have been different. First time around after chemo and a 10 hour operation I was regimental with meds , injections, dressings , feeding tubes etc just like you and we got through it and I did it on my own as no doctor would answer the phone(no change there) and it was the pandemic and it was cured. Did the same second time round 18 months later and again it went away but it was hiding in the background. I can’t talk about some of the stuff as it hurts to remember but I will share with you an observation I have made. Well known people, celebrities etc with masses of wealth and access to the best care there is, still lose their battles. With all the diseases that humans face it is a level playing field that even money can’t beat. You did your very best but the outcome would always have been the same - like it is for the vast majority of us on this site. It was not our fault - we loved them beyond belief and still blame ourselves - I go over it all the time but deep down I know that I couldn’t stop it nor did I do anything wrong to cause it. Death is the only thing we all share in life and is inevitable for all of us, I just wish that it was at a ripe old age and I was so old I didn’t have the mental capacity to know about it. A million years with my husband would not have been enough - same with you and your wife. It wasn’t you sweet man, it was life getting the better of us xxx
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Well said @Charm you put that so well there is nothing to add but say I agree @bussteve1
Karen xxx
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Charm
Thank you for your kind words It’s such a hard and winding road we are going along
steve
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Busteve and charm
I agree with you that we all think we could have done better by our beloveds but I’m sure we all did all we can. We are after all only human. After more than two years of terrible loss I agree with you Cham that there are some memories I just can’t ever talk about… perhaps one day, maybe …
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I ordered a new car today really sad as last time 2 yrs ago we did it together. Yet another milestone to cross
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Hi bussteve1,
Just read your post Please dont think you could have done more or anything different and dont go down the route of blaming yourself for anything .
I agree with all the replies you have had.
I think we all think or feel guilty at some stage of not doing this that or the other Given the situation and information we had at the time we did our dam best in that moment and every moment until we lost them.
Hold your head up high because you did your wife proud.
Deborah x
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Hi All
I think everyone of us have that feeling of guilt. I know I have but my situation is a little different. When my husband was first diagnosed he was very ill and just fading away. He had surgery three times in four months and we feared the worst was coming. The Doctors seemed to think he was past having any help so being interested in Natural proceedures I decided to take over and do my best for him. He went on to live another ten years with a good quality of life and we was so thankful then there was a blip in his health again and they started piling medication onto him. He was dead in less than a year. Now I wonder if I had stopped this would he have lived longer as the medication just seemed to be making him worse and certainly didn’t improve his quality of life. No mattert how hard we try there is always that feeling of ‘What if’.
xx
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Pattidot
I don’t like this Feeling of Guilt , I don’t want to live with “WHAT IF” But as seychelles sayed in a previous post We did our dam best nothing will change that
steve xxx
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Thanks busstevee1
I meant it.
I have been thinking about this guilt feeling . I really think its the feeling of missing them so much that we are feeling because we know deep down we did everything we could. Feelings are strange to get your head around and especially when we are feeling this awful pain of grief. I have read on here that there are so many people feeling like this at the moment. We have to somehow try to get past it but I don’t know how. The more I read about grief and the different stages the more I realise I am actually normal and not the mad bonkers incapable person i feel I have turned into.
Hope you are having a better day today.
The day times are okish for me if I find things to occupy my time around the house because I don’t want to go out at the moment. it’s the night times that I am struggling with. I seem to get upset early hours of the morning and nothing shifts it. I have to get up and try to pull myself together with a cuppa . This is all so awful to go through.
Deborah x
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seychelles my bad times are evenings and weekends currently off work again it has taken it’s toll on me and now affecting my own health I see no light at the end of the tunnel But I will battle on
steve xx
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