Aww Lonely and bussteve 1 , The relationships we had with our loved ones was so special and I personally feel privileged that my mum was my mum. I often hear about mother/ daughter relationships and i feel blessed my mum and I got on so well. It made caring for her for the past 9 years so much easier and it was fun actually. I used to feel so proud of her at 89 having this wonderful zest for life always. She lived life to the full well as much as she could and was the best role model I could ever have had. I feel I owe her so much for everything she gave me and did for me. Thankfully I had time to tell her how much she meant to me and I will be forever grateful for that.
I am struggling to get through each day without crying as I miss her so much. Nothing makes me happy at the moment and I donât want to do anything.
I agree with you Lonely with what you have said.
This is the price we are paying for being so close to them but I wouldnât have had it any other way
Keep going both. Am thinking of you
Deborah x
Hi Steve
You are so right. There is really no good wondering if things could have been different if we had done this or that. I think I accept that we did do our best and itâs no good dwelling on the past.
Take care
Pat
xx
I rang the lady at the Memorial Park today to arrange picking a burial plot for Davidâs ashes. Heâs been gone almost 5 months now and the funeral was on 13th December. Iâve been putting it off because I and my children really donât want another solemn service because the funeral was hard enough. Iâm dreading it. I cried on the phone just making the appointment. This is all so hard.
Oh @Jean8
Perfectly understands how difficult this must be.
We have Richardâs headstone arriving next week or the week after and Iâm trying to decide what we do the day it is fitted. They apologised for the delay but supplies of stone have been interrupted.
Iâm pleased it will be in place before the anniversary but know that itâll be another hard day.
I hope you find a spot which you feel suits you and that it will eventually become a peaceful place for you to visit.
Hugs
Karen xxx
Perhaps you dont need to put yourself through anything formal. Perhaps you and your children could scatter your husbandâs ashes somewhere where you had happy memories. A few years back my sister and i with our two daughters scattered my mumâs ashes, my dadâs ashes (which she had kept for several years) and the ashes of two little dogs. They were all scattered together on the Downs and then we went out for lunch and shared happy memories. I have my husbandâs ashes at home with me as he wanted us to be scattered together. Leave it to my daughter to organise one day! Take care
Hi Jean8,
Just thought I would say that I too am going to bury my mums ashes . I have decided it will be very private just for myself my brother and my sister as everyone else came to the funeral. There will be no formal service except a prayer at the graveside. We are then going to walk up to the castle in the village and throw flowers over for mum and then walk back to the village via the beach.
Thinking of you
Deborah x
@Jean8 I understand your reluctance in placing the ashes as I had great difficulty arranging my wifeâs memorial bench as I could hardly hold it together pointing out the spot to put it and then deciding on the wording for the plaque. I was in tears. But now it is there, it is a place I can go to and remember her: sometimes times I find peace and a connection to her. I hope you find this too. Love and hugs xx
I had my wifes ashes with me for a couple of months on 2nd nov 22 our 20th wedding anniversary I laid her ashes to rest I had already purchased the plot which is for us both, I find visiting her is the only place I can find some comfort and peace
steve xx
Hi bussteve1
I still have my mums ashes and I feel so much better that they are here with em . I donât think she would like it though as she always said she didnât like the idea of people keeping them. I feel awful as I know what her thoughts were but at the moment it is helping me so much.
Have you had a fairly good day today ?
I was going to go to mums house today but didnât after all. I have been putting it off for days. Donât know why though. I need to go there to sort some things so will pluck up the courage tom.
It is so sad we are going through all this.
My life was going just great before mum passed and now I feel I have no purpose in life. I think I was blinkered really I didnât notice her getting old because she was such fun. I thought i had her for quite a few years yet.
Hope you are doing okish.
Deborah x
seychelles I just had a couple of Bad/Down days I expect them But never know when they will hit Go to your mums when you feel ready and only then Donât push your self to much
steve xx
Thank you everyone. We wanted to bury Davidâs ashes as we all wanted somewhere to be able to visit. The 6 youngest grandchildren didnât attend the funeral so we all wanted somewhere for them to be able to go as they get older. Itâs a beautiful Memorial Park.
Dear @Mike75 @Jean8 @KarenF i havenât yet had the courage to collect Gavinâs ashes, somehow it feels so finalâŚ. I know what has happened and have accepted the enormity of Gavinâs death but somehow I do not feel ready yet for this. I wonder and search my thought around what I want to do, do I want to scatter them close by on the downs where I can visit most days or do I want a fixed place âŚ. I donât know who I want with me when I do it âŚ. It frightens me that this appears such a big thing for me⌠I donât know how it will affect me ⌠I have tried so hard to be brave, to hold on to the positive and acknowledge what I am grateful for ⌠perhaps I just need to do it as often facing things are not always as hard as you build them up to be âŚ.I want a ring made with some of the ashes embedded in it, perhaps that is my starting point âŚ. I know there will be encouragement from friends on this site which I am grateful for thankyou xx
@MinnieImber This is such a hard thing to do. In the end I scattered some of my wifeâs ashes along walks we did and now these are the ones I am able to do again. I have scattered others by her memorial bench. As these are places I visit frequently and I feel her presence, the connection to her feels stronger and I am now sometimes imagining her with me. I have kept some of her ashes to be mixed with mine as well. My reasoning was that I wanted my connection to her to be a part of my natural daily life not just one place I had to go on a special occasion and some of our molecules would be mixed together for eternity. We always said we were two ephemeral carbon based life firms struggling to find meaning to existence bound together by a strong emotional force so this is line with that philosophy. Some of our molecules will join again. You must do what feels the best way to maintain your connection to Gavin because that will be the right thing for you to do. Love and hugs in this difficult decision. xx
I have kept my husbands ashes so that when i die we can be scattered together and be back together again
@MinnieImber
I was lucky not to have that dilemma as Richard knew where he wanted to be in our churchyard, close to his Mum and his old house, in sight of our house.
I wonder whether, when the time is right, you will just get a feeling for what you want? Whatever you choose will be the right thing since there is no wrong. Maybe just allow your mind to drift when you are out with your furry companion and see what comes to mind.
As @Mike75 did, a combination of places may work if you remain undecided. I agree that the ring may be the starting point for you so choose that when you have the strength.
I wish I were nearer you my friend then I could support you in this.
Much love
Karen xxx
I couldnt wait to get bri home, and feel comforted knowing hes here with me. In time me and some family members will have some jewellery made and he will also be taken to some of his favourite places. Xx
Skip
Good for You ,Do what You Feel is right for You And Donât let Anyone Tell You Different
steve xx
I have Neil at home with me, which is such a comfort like for you @Skip . The plan is that we will take some of them to the South of France in August this year, where we spent the last 20 summers, and where all our family would come and stay and enjoy the sunshine, wine, and being together. So many happy memories. Before Neil passed in January, he lost his good friend in the November, up until Covid struck, they would go on mini wine excursions together ,visiting vineyards, tasting the wine and enjoying the food and cheeses! His wife is going to scatter some of his ashes in the Loire Valley so I thought we could do the same and then they could continue their journey together. It will be hard I know, travelling the same journey and seeing the places we visited together, but I feel it is the right thing to do and my children will be there with me every step of the way. I will also keep the rest f his ashes home, so when my time comes they can be scattered together. As Steve says, you will know what feels right for you and there is no rush to do anything. Sending love xxx
@MinnieImber Lots of good posts. The message from all is do what is right for you, there is no rush. I think your instinct will guide you in this. The ring is a nice start. The rest will follow. Hugs xx
I had a friend say something kind of similar to me years ago after my mum died. I was 18 and still at college at the time, and this friend had been very helpful initially, assisting me with completing my assignments on time and giving me notes from missed classes etc⌠She got a lot of praise for this from the college and our classmates initially. She began getting progressively less helpful after about 4/5 weeks as the praise stopped and she decided didnât want to share notes anymore, which was fine as I could just get the classes recorded by the lecturer and watch them as and when I felt able to, but she had offered to share her notes so I could just get the key information so I wasnât as overwhelmed by trying to watch all of the classes all the way through. There was around 18 hours of footage a week to get through. Now, her not wanting to go to the trouble of sharing her notes was fine, not that it was any extra work for her, but that was her choice and I would have accepted and respected it. However, when she went about telling me she didnât want to do it anymore, she was irritated and said âshe was tired of me using my dead mum as an excuse not to come into college and using her to still pass when I couldnt be bothered to turn up. I canât keep using that as an excuse anymore and I needed to pull myself together and get on with it by myself again, sheâd helped long enough for me to get back on my feet.â It was not even 2 months after my mum had passed away⌠I wasnt ready to sit in a classroom and talk about healthcare and medical conditions for 6 hours a day that soon, and she knew that, she just didnât have the mental space to help me, it took a toll on her trying to support me in my grief when she was dealing with her own stresses, having just been rejected from all 5 of her first university choices, and she took her frustration out on me. It felt as if she just wanted me to be hurt ilike she was in that moment. Suffice to say I didnât take it well and we didnât speak again for a few years. We have since met up and discussed it and she was very apologetic and claimed she didnât say it to hurt me, she said it to try to âsnap me out of my griefâ and it was from a place of care not malice. We are now no longer in contact because I despite trying to rebuild a friendship for a while, I just couldnât trust her again. I still donât know if she said it to hurt me, or if it was really from a good place and she just had no comprehension of how grief works and how long it takes to be ok after a big loss, but either way having someone like that in your life is not what you need when youâre grieving. You need kindness, support and understanding. Also, for people saying it makes a difference if its been a long time since the death, there is no time limit on grief and you should be supported by your loved ones whether its been 10 minutes or 10 years. If she was genuinely concerned that you are âwasting your life wallowingâ and she really wanted to help you through this hardship, then there was a much kinder, gentler way to have that conversation with you in a supportive and understanding way that could actually help you work towards moving on, not just attack you and your grieving process.