@Bambam , I am sorry for how your friend responded to you on the loss of your mum and felt she by her actions that she could ‘snap you out of your grief’. The fact you still remember this shows how much people can say and do things which are very hurtful and will remain with you forever. I can only suppose that this person hadn’t ever experienced a significant loss of a loved one as she would know that the affects of grief can be everlasting. How we would all love to ‘snap out of it’. but the grief that we hold for the person we loved will be forever, we will rebuild ourselves around the loss we have suffered but it will never be the same, nor we would want it too. You had such courage to confront her and hopefully she has learnt. xxx
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Lonely
That is so nice
steve xx
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I have my husbands ashes at home and it was a relief for me to get him home. It felt really strange taking him out of the home he never wanted to leave to the one I am in now, he didnt want to leave that one either. I find it a comfort having him here but I feel I couldnt spilt them. Everyone is different
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I agree with you about the site making me feel worse i kedt but came back as i realised tge people on here are the only obes who really get how i feel 
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I just read this and I think the answer is spot on:
Why is it so difficult to process grief as opposed to other emotions?
Because grief is not an emotion, or at least not just an emotion. Grief is much more than a simple state of mind that can be overcome with a smile. We can’t “positive think” our way out of profound loss. It doesn’t work that way.
Grief is an actual hole in our life. It is not just a perceived emptiness. The void where our loved one used to be is real. Our brains and our hearts are often unable to deal with the crush of pain and confusion that comes from profound loss. People can even die from a form of cardiomyopathy caused by the shock of sudden grief. Yes, grief can kill you.
Loved ones provide security and stability in our lives. The people we love motivate us, give our lives meaning, and protect us. Our children, nieces, nephews and grandchildren, are often the people that our hopes and dreams are built on. Losses of loved ones such as these are enormously difficult to overcome. Everything we thought we understood, everything we planned for our future, and everything that we yearn for, can disappear in the flash of an eye when a loved one dies. It is brutal, painful, and often overwhelming.
If you are experiencing grief, please be easy on yourself. Reach out to others if you can, as it often does help to ease the pain. There is no timetable for how long you will remain in this state, as no two losses are alike. Remember, you may never fully get over the loss, yet the pain will slowly become easier to deal with.
The emptiness of grief will come and go, like the tide moving in and out. The sun will eventually shine again though, so don’t lose hope. If this is what you are going through, I am very sorry. May you find peace.
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@Sulane this is beautifully written and so very true …thankyou x
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Thankyou @Mike75 … this is really helpful and encouraging x
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Thankyou @KarenF you are a real friend who is inspiring to talk with …xx
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@sue11
@Lonely
I am doing exactly the same. I always said I wasn’t scared of dying as both my parents and siblings had died & I would join them, Mark always said when your dead your dead until last summer when he threw me the curve ball that he wanted his ashes scattered somewhere peaceful (we had always left the ashes, so where that came from I don’t know, plus he hadn’t been ill, it was just a conversation you have, and had he not said that I would never have thought to get them) I thought long and hard what to do, where to spread them, get jewellery or a cuddle bear, but I came up with the same plan as you, I will put it into my will (I have no family to do this for me) that our ashes are scattered together as we were together every day of our lives. It’s a very hard decision to make, but boy I’m so glad that he said that as I wouldn’t have had his ashes in the first place but now we can be together. Take care everyone xxx
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I’m really really struggling this last week. Some of you will know my story, Mark & I had been together 40 years, working together renovating houses, he wasn’t I’ll when he died suddenly 8 months ago, I have no family what’s so ever. We just had our house to finish, decorating, carpet to lay, new kitchen (we’d done the bathroom) a fence and shiplap around the summerhouse we’d built. EVERYTHING has been unbelievably difficult from the decorating (you may remember me going to A&E with him for 8 hours, looking at the door where I was told Mark had died 6 weeks earlier & him not even thanking me, just saying he’d done me a favour, by getting that 1st out of the way! Then us parting company, when he threw a hissy fit, and telling me I’d say in his house crying…that was the day Mark died! I got that finished, then the bitter sweetness of getting the furniture (something that I never expected to do) But everything was doublely difficult from problems with curtains, to the new TV not being tuned on correctly, to faults with nest of tables and my 2 sofas having 30+ faults listed by the engineer who came to look at it. From Monday for 8 weeks I will be without seating till my new ones arrive. All jobs that should have been put to bed. I should have been concentrating on sorting out my kitchen which will be fit in June, instead of the stress of these. To add to that Marks pensions still haven’t cleared, I’m having trouble with energy provider. Last week I scaped the passenger door of the car on a trolley park and I’m so annoyed at myself as I a confident driver and should have known better THEN this week pulling into my drive I scraped the bumper. I can’t tell you how disappointed I am in myself, I know it’s nothing in the grand scale of things, but to me it’s enormous, we never had damaged car and now I have done all this. I am struggling I don’t want it to be the straw that broke the camel’s back, but it’s so hard. Sorry to burden you x
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@Sulane
Dear Sulane, you sound like you are overwhelmed at the moment. Normal everyday problems become nightmares to deal with. I had a meltdown last week when my utility room flooded and I just stood there not knowing what to do. Luckily for me my hairdresser was due and she mopped it all up, made me a cup of tea and sorted it out as I was just crying. I feel like I have lost my ability to cope with problems. I went to town on Friday with my sister and forgot most of the things I went for as all of the people and the noise made me feel bad. I just want to be my normal self again and get my confidence back. My outer self looks fine,it’s my innerself that’s not.
I just want my life back with my husband but I do know I can’t have it and I have to make a new life. As i said to some one before, it’s so very easy to say but so hard to do.
I hope you get everything sorted out and I send you strength. Xx
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@Alir
Yes, I try to be strong, but you can’t always can you. Little things become enormous, and in the past when you had these things going on, who did you turn to? They say they are watching over us, but it breaks my heart of they can see us, when things are at the worst, because it must break their hearts seeing us suffer, or is it them that give us the strength to face the next hurdle, yes I like that thought, I’ll stick with that! Take care, and thanks xxx
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It just makes you feel such a failure does it. Sending you a great big hug xxx
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Can anyone help me please, how can we send private messages?
Just click on the name of the person you wish to send a message to and PRIVATE MESSAGES will appear. Click on that.
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We certainly find strength we didn’t even know we had, but it’s twice as hard and of course a hell of a lot bigger when things don’t go right because we thought we were doing well. I am so pleased your managing so well. Take care xxx
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I am coming up to the time I dread the minute my beloved husband hit a tree with the mower then 10 weeks later he was dead from Sepsis. No matter how much it is written on Ambulances talked about they miss it I even asked them the day he went in if he had it. We are not under any circumstances wallowing we are remembering and coping with a horrendous part of our lives something unless you know you can`t comprehend. I am usually fine but the last few days I have found it hard maybe because it is coming up to the day that it happened and I do miss him so much
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Like you @Heather56 I never knew much about sepsis, I had heard of it but didn’t really know much about it. My husband died in January from sepsis after getting a chest infection, He was on antibiotics for the chest infection and he seemed to be improving, but suddenly he woke feeling cold and shortly after became unresponsive. The paramedics guessed straightaway it may be sepsis once I mentioned he had a chest infection, but it still didn’t really register with me that he wouldn’t recover. I naively thought once he got to hospital they would put him on stronger antibiotics and then he would come home in a few days. He died 11 hours later after going on life support as soon as he reached hospital. We can never be really prepared to lose our partners, no matter what the circumstances, I wasn’t prepared, but somehow we have to find a way to live on as a testament to the love that we shared. You are so entitled to have hard days, because we do miss them so much. Know that we are all here sharing your pain and loss xxx
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@sandi & @Heather56
I am so sorry, all my love to you both xxx
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@sandi and @Heather56 Sepsis can be such sudden onset and so quickly fatal we dedicated several intensive study days to its causes, symptoms and treatment. It was something that we were constantly on the alert for. I am so desperately sorry for your experiences and loss. Love and strength to you both. Jean xx.
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