I have workers here every day. There is no day tripping going on for a bit.
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Lydia, it kinda sickens me that we collected so many things. What for? Things?
As I purge, my friends purge. We are too old to keep storing stuff. For whom exactly? No one.
I may look at condos when the repairs are all complete. I don’t want this again.
Trump won the presidency.
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Lizzy, I am so sorry. I got my husband’s guitar buddy to pick the music and to record the songs that my husband like to play the most. It was wonderful! The first time I played it, the night before the funeral, my widow friend and I danced to the first song on the CD “Jumping Jack Flash” by The Rolling Stones like wild women. It reminded us of younger, happier days when our guys were still here and the four of us were best pals. People even danced at his funeral.
It was fitting. My husband would have loved it. Some of the guests may have been shocked, but if they were, they didn’t really know my husband at all.
Don’t worry about crying, you should be crying. Good grief, you husband died! No one at the funeral will think twice about you crying. They will cry with you.
Much love.
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10wks on and I also find weekends the hardest.
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I find it difficult to remember what day it is and where in the month I am.
My nephew came by to collect some things. The workers keep messing with the gates and my dog gets out. I shouldn’t have to worry about them not securing my yard. That is their job.
More bills to pay.
Napped and already tired again. Bad mood.
Much love.
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The quiet times are the worst, they used to have the comfort of love and companionship, of an old friendship without any rough edges, now they carry the silence of loss and fear, no longer the happiness of shared comfort but the hate of things taken from us and the heaviness of things to come. I used to love the quiet we had, now I hate the silence that is left.
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The silence feels so loud to me now! I used to ask why he needed noise , tv , radio in every room. He was so big a character the loss of the sound is deafening.
Hope you have find support and some comfort here to help with the heaviness x
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My husband’s absence is loud.
Had a moment when I was mad at my husband for something from 20 years ago. What is that about? Why am I revisiting such things and getting mad at him now? Anybody else doing this?
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I have felt mad at him for stupid things that he has done over the years. I don’t know if it’s some sort of copying mechanism that the mind uses.
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So sorry for your loss, by joining this group you will get plenty of support on this forum we are all on the same journey.Sorting financial stuff will need to be done but as for everything else it can wait, eg I am 18 months along this grief journey and have not touched any of my husbands clothes they all still hang in the wardrobes in the spare room, our oldest grandson has taken a couple of jackets but husband was a clothes shopper and there are 2 wardrobes full! I just cant bear to give away to strangers clothes that he was so proud of. His shampoo is still on the shower shelf !
So just you take your own time to do what you decide to do, there is no time scale to these things xxx
Sending a virtual hug to you x
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Yes, I do a lot of thinking back . , especially when I noticed he was getting hoarse and clearing the back of his throat all the time.
I did say he should go drs and have it checked out , but being someone who vaped ( previously a smoker ) he just put it down to that,
10 months later , he was diagnosed with non hodgkins lymphoma and thyroid cancer , he survived another 11 months putting up a big fight. 
I do find myself beating myself up for not pushing him more to go to the drs but thats men for you, they dont listen and just think we are nagging.
I fight with him in my head about this scenario an awul lot .
Coming up to 2 yrs on the 26th November, still broken hearted 
and lost without him , specially when life is hard and u feel so alone , that one person who was always there for you is no longer there anymore . Xo
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Oh my goodness, as I just said to PeachesDixon , I am coming up to 2 yrs of losing my husband and I have not done anything with his clothes, they are still in the wardrobe which he had a couple of because like your husband, mine loved his clothes too. He also worked in the clothing industry , and was very particular about what he wore.
His Jackets are still hanging up in the cloakroom , I just can’t bear to get rid of them . I know i will have to do it eventually .
My 2 adult sons had some of his clothes , but still got loads and his shoes .
I keep saying , next yr I will be 70, so I have to make the effort or else i’m going to be too old to want to do it , also I am thinking of selling my house, so much to think about and do .
I say to myself , I should be enjoying my retirement with my husband , doing the the things we planned to do once our youngest grandaughter started school, but that has all gone now . I never felt old when my husband was alive , always had a spring in my step , full of life , happy ( though I did not realise so much till this horror happened). I still cannot believe this is now my life and how quickly things have changed , oh soooo much .
I was going to volunteer once she started school , I even signed up for it , but again life intervened with more bad luck which I wont go into , which would mean me writing loads more and I would be on here forever!!! So that has fallen by the wayside.
As I said hopefully 2025 will be a better yr , not just for me , but all of us going through this horrendous journey. . Xo
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My husband was 6’4" and about 275 pounds. His shoes are US size 13. I know no one his size to offer the clothes to. His shirts are all custom made, his suits (many) were what I consider very expensive as were his shoes. He must have 150 pair of socks.
I can not do the closet yet, but did give away a leather bomber jacket and a cashmere long coat as well as about 45 pullover shirts with collars. Alligator belts? Bruno Magli shoes? It took me 4 years to finally let go of my mother’s things, I do not have 4 years to fiddle with his closet, but am approaching it as a “next year” project.
It is still so unreal. I am tired of my husband not being here with me, but I know he is in Heaven, has no pain, no sickness and all anxiety and worry is gone. I know that there are no regrets or disappointments there and all the things I worry about matter not to him, he sees the bigger picture. Things, money, repairs, insurances, taxes, are all just frivolous nonsense to him now. So lucky!
Much love.
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AND, of course. The painters have the wrong color. But, since it is raining, they can’t paint anyway. The paint store got the formula completely wrong. Oh, well, they can handle it. Glad I had to move my car or I wouldn’t have seen it. Nipped in the bud. But, ARGH!
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It is the weekend. Everyone is doing something with friends and family. I took my dog for a walk. It gets dark at 5pm now. I didn’t notice, so walked mostly in the dark.
it started to rain after an hour, so we are home.
Feeling sad, bored, numb, tired, anxious, small, fragile, alone. My husband’s absence is painful.
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Time goes so slowly. Just to get through the day is an eternity. I cannot clean anymore!! I cannot keep finding crappy jobs to do. The weather is dark and gloomy. I don’t want to join a bookclub, or volunteer. This is a very lonely life, I don’t want to have a different life. I want the one I had. I want a purpose, I don’t know what that entails. This is just so lonely.
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Mbg, with you 100%. I don’t want to play Mahjong at the library on Tuesdays. I don’t want to volunteer to do anything for anyone. I can’t concentrate long enough to read a whole book, much less talk about it like it matters.
Shortly before my husband died, I signed up for 4 classes at church and haven’t been to one. At first interesting, they now seem irrelevant.
All I can do is my Rule of 5s and trudge around in a fog.
Two things left on my list. They will be done in less than 10 minutes. Then, invent another “job”.
Much love.
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I feel like I have entered the world of OCD. I now polish the inside of furniture. I discovered a new cleaning product, it is on subscription. It has its own little bottle of oils, you mix it into a special glass spray bottle. I even have special clothes. Once cleaned, I place everything back, all in order. As if I’m waiting for a room inspection. I do this in each room. Most of the bedrooms have antique furniture. It looks nice but not practical.
I feel like I am on a mission, I don’t know when to stop.
I would often sign up for cookery classes or craft (which I am rubbish at) I see things advertised, I have no interest now.
Even my poor dog’s get on my list
Shower
Strip brush
Cut nails
Shave bums
Check ears
I have 4 dogs, I feel like they have accepted my oddities. They get fed and have cuddles, the bonus is, they don’t nag me to go out and meet people. X
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Yes it’s a long weekend, havnt been out and it will be the same tomorrow. I did get a gift from a friend which cheered me up. It was a lovely mug which said “you got this” I thought it was nicer than flowers, my old flowers all went in bin as well. Don’t want anymore death flowers. Took ages to get my scanner working to scan death certificate and send a form to the national lottery to stop sending him emails. It’s so sad deleting all the emails. I have been getting texts from friends but no real contact from anyone. Is this my new life? I miss my husband, he chatted all the time to me, we could sit at night and chat for hours. I have to keep the tv on the minute I get up, can’t stand the silence. Wakened up way too early again, do I get up and make tea or toss and turn for a few more hours, nothing really to look forward too, I maybe need to go out a walk later, can’t stay in another long day. Im cleaned out, the house has never been this clean. Hugs to everyone of us going through this horrible time in our lives xxx
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Lizzy I don’t like this new life at all. It is like being on a rollercoaster and you can’t get off. I don’t even buy flowers anymore. I don’t want them in the house. I would much prefer a mug. I get great comfort from this site, at least people know how awful this grief feels. Sending a hug x
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