Two weeks of widowhood.

Losing a partner
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My dog did not get his Friday shower. It was my turn. I couldn’t possibly learn anything right now. The dust is never ending as I stir up so much. Purge, then clean. Purge, then clean.

I filled a giant basket with wonderful shirts that are too big for me now because I’ve lost nearly 50 pounds in the last 2 years. Off to charity.

Emptied a drawer of drawers - toss. Nice ones too. Oh well. Too big.

Giving my nieces all of the costume jewelry that I have from aunts, grandmothers and my mother. They can keep or toss. It doesn’t matter. None of it does.

On my list: try on at least 5 questionable things in my closet and take a good look in the mirror to decide “keep”, “donate”, “toss”. Five turned into 20 try ons and 30 items were purged due to duplicates. Some were painful to give up, but they swallow me. Someone else can enjoy them.

It would have turned into a manic cleansing, but for the welcome interruption of a phone call from a good friend who helped me to laugh for a bit about the craziness of our past lives and careers. She is struggling with health issues, but still calls to check on me.

My second monthly widow’s pension check arrived. I nearly collapsed at the mailbox. Second MONTH? Been spinning ever since. It seems like last week, not 6 weeks and 5 days. September, October, now November. All a blur. Life is so alien now. Nothing is the same.

In the US we will celebrate Thanksgiving on the 28th of November, always the 4th Thursday of that month, so dates vary from year to year. It will be my first without my husband in 26 years. I will be alone to watch the parades and snuggle my dog. My friends are doing family reunions at their summer homes full of children and grandchildren and dogs. My family will be out of state, or with in-laws. My SIL is flying out for 10 days to visit friends.

Just me and this hobo begging to go outside again.

Much love.

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It is 4.43am. I have just got up to make tea. I let the girls out for a wee and come back to bed. Its is dark, cold and wet out. I did have the dogs sleeping with me. I wasn’t sleeping, they kept me awake and me them. So I had a manic clean on Wednesday and did my bedroom. I was so tired when I finished. I didn’t have the energy to shower. I slept on the sofa. I have had 2 nights without them. I feel really guilty, they have a huge quilt to snuggle in. I just needed my room back. I have lost about 35 pounds in the last few months (It was much needed) I actually fit back into my really nice clothes, I don’t go anywhere to dress up now though. I don’t want to even think about Christmas or celebrations. I was looking forward to Christmas this year, my Grandson will be 18 months old and more aware. It won’t be the same without Richard and I am not in control of my ‘sad’. I will stay home. Everything is different now. Much love to you x

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Sending hugs, this will also be another first to get through, I’m dreading the next few months. Take comfort that you have your dog, maybe I should get a dog. I’ve not had a widow pension yet, I wonder how long I have to wait for that. I feel like I’m living in limbo, will I ever be able to go out and enjoy myself again. Christmas Day I will have to try as I would hate to spoil it for the grandchildren. Inside I will be very sad. Take care xx

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In the UK there is a new benefit called the Bereavement Support Payment. Look it up Lizzy. I think you have to apply. X

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Sending hugs to you as well, why do we keep waking up at this hour? I might go up and make a hot chocolate, didn’t have dinner yesterday, had a plate of soup about 3pm and that’s all I had. I can’t afford to lose weight, I’m only a size 10 and I know my clothes are getting looser. My hubby would be so annoyed at me for not looking after myself . He was always making me tea, he never slept much, in fact this was his time for coming to bed, he only needed a few hours each night. The tv and fire would be on most of the day. If I did waken I knew he would be sitting on his chair and chat away to me. Now it’s too quiet and he isn’t there any more. How do we fill this massive hole in our lives? Yes I’m off to make a hot drink and maybe a bit of toast. Xxx

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I think you only get it if you are younger, we were both 70. Don’t think I qualify for anything apart from a widow pension but not had it yet, I think I filled in a form in the first few weeks but that time is a blur. I’ve had two letters from social security telling me to call them and when I do it’s one of those, press 1 for this or 2 for this and I honestly don’t know what I’ve to press as I don’t get benefits so have out the phone down twice as I don’t think it’s relevant. I don’t know how long it takes to get all this pension sorted out. Xx

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I had soup yesterday and a banana. I didn’t feel like cooking. I am eating better than I was. You certainly need to eat, you don’t want to lose any weight. I do miss having cups of tea made for me. I miss lots of the things that were our routine. I have never slept well, my sleep pattern now is horrendous. I wish I could sleep. I am 61 and not entitled to any state benefits. X

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I am eating better than I did the first 3 weeks, I lived off biscuits unless my daughter came over and packed a bag for a few days and made my dinner, I did try to eat something. I loved cooking but just feel now, what’s the point, I just can’t be bothered. Bought ready prepared soup from Tesco which are not too bad, I know I should start batch cooking meals for 1. How sad, can’t bear it. The house is sad, I’m sad. Do you wake up one morning and feel ok again? I’m still waiting for that to happen. Xx

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It will be 17 weeks on Tuesday and I don’t know what the future holds. My shopping is really quite sad. I don’t enjoy sweet things anymore. I eat because I need to. I have made fresh soup a few times. I also buy tinned soup and add cannelloni bean. I have gone off bread. Grief affects every part of me. I have changed so much. Everything is a struggle. I don’t relax or enjoy anything x

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I’m only five weeks in, I forced myself to go to Tesco, needed milk and bread, spent about £70 on nothing really, oh I did buy mince, thought I make lasagne in case my daughter came over, her partner said he would fix my ring door bell as it’s not working. I suppose that’s what I could do today, if they don’t come I will then have about 10 dinners to put in the freezer. There, that’s my day sorted, that will be an achievement if I actually make it. I’ve thrown out so much food that we bought the day before he died, such a waste, I went through loads of milk as hubby drank coffee all day long, had about three cups before I got up in the morning and all I do now is pour it away as it’s gone off. I keep buying it in case I get a visitor ha ha, they are in short supply hence the reason the milk keeps going off, I don’t drink milk.why do I even bother buying it.! Xx

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5 weeks in myself and the weekends are painful, spent all day yesterday sat in the living room just trying to come up with anything to do, I don’t watch much TV so the silence is so loud, woke up at 3am today, that’s my new go to time for waking, another day to go of the weekend, we always visited her family on Sundays, I still do that, they are wonderful but suffering as well, then that’s it, back to a home of memories and loud silence

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Mpg, i get it. I tore down the screens from the gates. If the lights are on outside, I can’t see into the front yard, but one can see through from the outside. What is the point? The view from my carport is really pretty and I missed it. The screens were put there to shield people from the sight of my husband’s boat. The boat has been gone for 14 years. Sigh.

Lizzy, here is what a dog does: gives you a reason to go for walks even when you don’t want to do so; requires affection and gives tons in return; requires grooming and dog treats and vets and leaving the house. Most of all, they make you laugh and feel a tingle of love again. Best is that you don’t go home to any empty house, you have a happy greeter.

I threw out tons of food and gave another ton away. I got you. Buy powdered creamer or the little single serving cups like from diners. Nix the milk. My husband drank a gallon of milk a day to take his medicines. Lugging it all upstairs to the kitchen was an act of love. Now, barely a gallon a week.

My grocery cart reveals my situation. Empty.

Atrum, yes the weekends are quiet. Before my husband died, the tv was on 24/7 in 2 rooms. They stay off now. The quiet is peaceful to me. I spend my evenings pacing my house and my garden in figure eights.

Yep, I am okay. Just fine.

Much love.

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It’s awful isn’t it, our buses are only every two hours on a Sunday and stop at 5pm so I can’t even jump on a bus to get away today. My concentration is worrying when I drive so I’m not doing it.I don’t even want to get out my bed, it’s another miserable day, been wakened since about 3am as well. The only thing I still have to do is clearing the garage and that’s just too painful to do atm. This is torture, I’m glad you can visit family today, I hope today is better for you, sending hugs x

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Im reading so much pain. I find that I put on mask for other people, I do not want to show my grief. If the tears start to well I feel so embarrassed. People say its alright but its not. I do not want to cry in front of people. I do my crying at home in private. That is why I avoid people. I do not want to tell them how I am and how Im coping. I am shit, but I am coping because I have to. I’m now 5 weeks into this nightmare. I think it’s starting to filter in that he isn’t coming back. We are having a celebration of his life on Friday. I am dreading it. There will be about 70 of us. I’m an introvert and struggle with large groups normally so really not sure how I will cope. I don’t suppose I’ll be able to sneak away. David was the one that guided me through these things, he was so friendly and chatty. Strangely enough I’m fine with eating. That makes me feel that I didn’t care enough about him. Sleeping is better then it was, usually get 6 hours occasionally more. I will do some cleaning today as not done any all week. 1 person does not make much mess. Cannot remember when I last changed the bed. Decided it can wait a bit longer. Sorry I’m rambling. Just putting my thoughts down. So comforting reading yours. We all seem to do things differently but strangly we all understand. There are no rules, no normal, no usual, just ourselves stumbling in the dark.

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I can’t face the Remembrance Service this morning. It is held a 4 minute walk from my home. I can see the people gathering from my bedroom window. I know when The Last Post is played I will fall apart. To many people, I can’t do people. Another thing I can’t face.

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Sending you a hug.

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I couldn’t face it either, my husband was in the parade last year laying a wreath in the town, it was sad seeing pictures on the local Facebook page showing people laying the wreaths, he should have done it again this year. So so sad.

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Sending big hugs to you, I was dreading my husbands funeral, I didn’t want to break down and tried so hard. On the day I seemed to have an inner strength that I have no idea where it came from, I was good until they showed the visual photographs on the screen, I cried my eyes out but laughed as well as I had put some funny ones in. My daughter just held me tight. I managed to speak to very one that came to it but then in bed I just cried and cried. I also put that brave face on, saw two people in the town yesterday that I found are scared to say anything to me, eventually they said how sorry they were to hear the sad news. I just thanked them and kept walking. I couldn’t have done that last week so maybe I’m a fraction better. I really hate weekends, need to go out tomorrow, the house is suffocating me. Will be thinking of you, you will get through it. Xx

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Peaches, I like that phrase - survivor mode. That is exactly what we are in, and nothing else matters, only get through each day…surviving x

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Hi this is my first time on this forum but ive been reading every day. I lost my husband Steve on 22nd October very suddenly with a heart attack. Im in complete shock dont know how to function. I have 2 wonderful kids and grandchildren…but hes not here. We had been together for 52 years and I loved him with all my heart. The funerall is on the 20th and I just dont know how im going to get through it. Sorry for going on but feel so alone

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