Two weeks of widowhood.

[Nigel-Marnee]

Sorry in advance for the longish post - I need to do this, for my own piece of mind!

I had a horrible, strange, recurring dream last night. I first woke up at 3.15, having had the first dream in which Mary has appeared since she died – in fact I can’t remember dreaming at all since she died.

It was about some good friends of ours, and the first ones I went out to dinner with after her funeral. Mary and I were together. In our house, which seemed to have gone back to the 1950’s. We had a call which was like a silent call. Just heavy breathing and crying on the other end. We knew who it was by the telephone number showing on the phone. I just spoke her name, several times, before she could make any other sounds. She told me her husband had had a massive heart attack and had died while they were away in Scotland, and would we go and tell her two adult children. She didn’t want to do it on the phone.

We went to their house, and the children immediately knew something was wrong as we would never have gone there, when our friends were away, for any other reason. We explained what had happened and all just hugged and cried with each other.

The children wanted to phone their mother, so they did, and there were more tears between us all. Then we got down to practicalities, and they agreed that their mother would stay until she could travel back with her husband’s body. Once we were sure that the children were OK we left for home – at which point I kept waking up in tears. It was so real!

Every time I dropped off, I’d dream the exact same dream, about 5/6 times, with Mary being with me all the time, and it was only when my phone kept pinging with WhatsApp messages that I finally woke fully. It was then 8.15 so I got up to prevent further dreams.

It was so real I’m actually in tears writing this now. So real I’m physically shaking at the possibility he might actually have died. I’m scared to call, either to find he has, or that I frighten them silly. I think I’m going to have to text them with a friendly message to see they’re OK but I won’t mention my dream.

I just hope this isn’t a premonition or warning, and that I don’t dream this again tonight! It’s still so vivid it’s terrifying! Hopefully It’s just due to stress and losing Mary – I really hope that’s the case!

Thanks for your patience everyone.

Much love. Nigel xxx

[Debsie1]

Nigel whenever I have bad dreams about someone I always check on them. I have never had a dream come true yet though. Are you worrying about them, or just worried in general maybe about people dying. Last nights dream for me was not finding my way to where I wanted to go in this large building, only having a choice of manky bananas, and the choice going down each time I looked and a friend trying to jab me with a syringe even though I kept telling her I didn’t want it.

Someone was suppose to be collecting something that they have bought and paid for but they have not turned up. I didn’t sleep well but was worried if I lay in too long they would come while I was still in my dressing gown. I could have stayed in bed longer. Waited in all morning for them so annoying. But I did wash the campervan to the best of my abilities. It appears my abilities are not that great but it is a bit better. I took off the AA badge on the front. It will be a little memento. I will now go for a walk if they come now tough - I will be going to my sons later for dinner. At least the sun is shining, that helps a lot.

[Nigel-Marnee]

Thanks Debsie - I’m not sure. It’s so unusual for me to remember any dreams, even when I’ve ended up bashing Mary during a nightmare! I punched her in the arm during one dream - she was bruised for days afterwards!

Nigel

[Lizzy28]

Nigel, I’ve had a few weird dreams and when I looked up the meaning it said I was grieving. There are lots of different definitions of your dream, again saying you are missing the person in your dreams, grieving. Lots of things like that. I’ve never had my husband in my dreams yet. Still waiting. I woke up at 1.30 then 5am. I wish I could have a good sleep without waking up all the time. I got up and did a few hours in the room I’m doing up. Really pleased with the plastering. It’s not perfect but better than it was. Will paint it tomorrow. I’m so drained and tired now, not doing any more. I’ve just put the fire on as it’s cold and miserable outside, raining. When the sun is shining it lifts your spirits up but today is not good.

Debsie, it’s so annoying when people don’t turn up, thats my pet hate. Or the stupid questions they ask, it’s not Harrods they are buying from. I sold two things on Vinted yesterday, it’s all slowed down just now.
I’m watching my grandson and step-granddaughter both age 11 at the weekend, their mum and dad going to see Wicked in London. That will be fun, we are planning a few little things to do.
Hopefully I will get the room finished by then, just need to take my time papering as it’s not my fav thing to do. Won’t get any help with this one.
So tired I think I will have to have a sleep. , hope your guy turns up soon, xxx

[Nigel-Marnee]

Thanks Lizzy, it was nice to have Mary in the dream - 1st time since she died - but hated the rest. This waking up is so awful - it just leaves you so tired.

Well done on the plastering - I think you said it was an old house, so from my experience of the France house, nothing is level or straight anyway!

It’s actually 10 degrees here, and wall to wall blue sunny skies. I did go to the grave today as I’ saw some lovely potted narcissi in Lidle and wanted to put the pot in the ground today. Gave them plenty of water too. I told her about the dream and that helped too. I could have stayed all day - it was so warm and peaceful up there, but my next door daughter is coming round with SIL for a drink in a minute so had to get back to unpack the shopping.

Take your time with the work - it will get done.

Much love. Nigel xxx

[Georgi]

Nigel you do need to contact them discreetly for your own piece of mind xxx

[PeachesDixon]

Good morning Darlings! It’s is almost afternoon, I slept for over 10 hours after taking a whole sleeping aid rather than half. I don’t feel rested in the head, but the body got some good down time to recover from the non-stop stress and anxiety.

I agree with Georgi, call the friends, chat a minute and put your mind at ease.

It is a sunny and lovely day. A real walk with The Beast is in order. We’ll see how it goes with the pinch collar.

The AMEX bill is now roughly $1, 500.00 less than before my husband died. We charge everything to get the airline miles and pay in full by due date. So, there is an $18,000.00/yr “bonus” which is enough to pay insurance on the house and cars. Just the way I think of it, surely there is no bonus to being a widow.

My husband’s sister and I will go to a new Mexican restaurant near my house which is getting rave reviews from people I know, so we will try it.

Monday - courthouse. Tuesday - hair and nails. Thursday night - Dog College.

I intend to schedule gym on my calendar again. It is a must if I am to stay strong and flexible. My trainer of 8 years moved so he no longer comes across Lake Ponchartrain to the south shore. I don’t blame him for moving and getting a position closer to home, I just miss him and hearing about his adorable family. He was the only reason I showed up at the gym as I do not enjoy the gym. My favorite part of it is the panic bar on the exit door.

Going it alone will take some doing, but when I struggle with a 20 lb package, it is time to get back to lifting weights and strength training. I can’t be old and weak too. Can’t do anything about the age, but the strength - it is up to me. Wish me both luck and incentive.

Someone is hammering away at something. Weekend warriors.

I think I will clean out one garden that was devastated by the snow and freeze. Just one. Sounds like a great idea to me - sunshine and manual labor outdoors always lifts the spirit.

Baked a sweet potato. Ha! Forgot it. Looked like a school science experiment by the time I could smell it. Some was still edible. The Beast got some too.

After my 3 giant cups of coffee, I will start the day. It’s noon already and I am on cup one. It is dark by 5:30p so I can’t work too long. Hour by hour.

Much love.

[Nigel-Marnee]

Totally agree Georgi, and yes very discreetly!

[silverfox]

Think your gonna need plenty on those ten hour sleeps with the activity you have.
Keep up the positive thinking.

[Lizzy28]

Peaches, sounds like a busy week coming up. I could do with some heat. I was out in man cave earlier, my son in law texted to say someone coming for the band saw. Once I found what it was I swept the sawdust off it, my hands were white with the cold. He thought we are getting somewhere with the tools, he came from work so that he could sell it to this guy. I am so grateful to him, he works hard. He also took my tv off the wall. I’ve stored it under my bed as it’s not going back up . I’ve got my eye appointment tomorrow which I am glad off as my eyes have deteriorated with the cataract, I also have someone coming for another tool, I thought everything has slowed up with the sales of stuff then all of a sudden it’s started up again. Sold another item on Vinted as well.
Can’t believe you had 10 hours sleep, but not so good if it wasn’t a restful sleep. I’m so tired today, will be in bed early tonight. My nails are a disaster just now with all this DIY work, I think I will treat myself when I’m finished this room.
Have a nice afternoon xxxx

[PeachesDixon]

Wow! What a difference a pinch collar makes. No dragging, no pulling, no misbehaving around other dogs. We walked 3 miles without incident. We practiced heel, and sit, and 180 degree turns in between free time to sniff and explore but only at the end of a 6 foot leash. Huge difference.

I cleaned the kitchen and the pantry, even mopped the floors before the walk. Paid some bills, addressed birthday cards, bathed The Beast and myself, washed and hung to dry a load of clothes, stacked and ran the dishwasher, took all the garbage out to the bins, fed everyone - once. (Sundays are good for a little fasting - even for animals).

Did not wrestle a garden. It was too late after a slow start, inside chores and a 3 mile walk. Plus, I was wanting a rest by dark.

This will be the first Monday that I am facing without knots in my stomach. I think I am handling things better now because at least the priorities are in order. One little trip to the courthouse, the post office, the service station for help with the dead battery and maybe - the GYM! - on the list for tomorrow. We’ll see.

I have 7 things scheduled this week. Pretty high expectations, I think.

Lizzy, you are selling like crazy! I know you are so grateful for your very helpful SIL. We should all have such a person in our lives. Just a few minutes of their time can lift huge weights from our shoulders.

Haven’t had so much sleep in ages. I don’t like to take a whole tablet because it will make me sleep so long, but my body needed the rest, so I listened to it and treated myself to some much needed and deserved sleep. Yes, these tablets MAKE me fall asleep. zzzzzzz

Heard from a friend. We’ve known each other for nearly 50 years. She and her husband are coming to stay for a little visit in Spring. Sure hope the house is in better shape by then. I’ve got 2 months and a couple of weeks.

Coming up to 19 weeks since my husband died. I can hardly believe time has passed so quickly and how little I remember of all these days. All I remember is how I felt which is how I still feel. Blur. Memories like micro film stops, a memory plucked out of the blur.

Going to bed. Started a podcast - “Bible in a Year” and am enjoying it very much. It takes about 15-30 minutes a day and will go through the whole Bible with explanations of people, places and customs - bringing it to life.

Good night, sweet princes and princesses. Count blessings instead of wounds.

Much love.

[Nigel-Marnee]

Wow Peaches - jut wow! I wonder if that’s what we (used to) call a choke chain? Seems to work wonders anyway

Wish I’d taken a tablet last night! 2 hours sleep, dreaming tossing and turning and now sitting in the car having drives mine and my daughter’s for school run for me and work as a teacher for her!

Ah time to go!

[Nigel-Marnee]

Sorry I pressed reply by mistake but school run now done!

That dream I had the other day - well they are both OK but very strangely they had been talking about me and Mary (and the family) the very night I had the dream!, wondering how we all got on over Christmas, without Mary. They even said it was weird about the timing of my text to them! How peculiar for those to happen on the same night after nearly 7 weeks since our meal together and 11 weeks since Mary died. I haven’t a clue what I dreamt about last night, when I did sleep, but Mary was in them again.

Peaches - you’ve spurred me on today - despite the lack of sleep - I’ve got 5 1/2 hours until the first school pick up, then 45 minutes later for the second, plus a video call with my best friends at 4.00pm. So I’m going to do some clearing and tidying up today. But I must sort my tablets for this week and while I’m away - I ended up taking none yesterday as they weren’t sorted into the days. I guess one day won’t hurt too much. I did do my eye drops which are vital.

So Peaches - hope you’ve slept well, and have a good day everyone here in the UK.

Much love to you all. Nigel xxx

[Lizzy28]

Good morning Nigel, I had a terrible night as well. 1.30 I woke up, couldn’t get back to sleep, I eventually did with another horrible dream. Feel bad today, hope it hasn’t made my eyes worse as I’m going to opticians at last to get my eyes checked. . Take care driving. I’m going on the bus xxx

[Nigel-Marnee]

Lizzy, I must start on some of the larger things - Mary’s sewing and embroidery machines - as I’ll be bringing another three back from France, making 9 in all to sell! I wonder whether I should keep one for myself in case I need to mend something. Surely it can’t be that difficult to learn? Can it? I did once make a dress for my ex-wife - but although I thought it was pretty hideous, she did wear it!

Just had to leap up to put salt in the water softener as it started its regeneration and I knew the salt was empty, so that’s a start today. I bought some ‘ziplock’ bags from Amazon and although not true vacuum bags still keep things smaller - so I’m going to put bedding in those, with labels so I know what size is in each bag, then take the rest of the bedding that I don’t need to charity or material recycling.

I also have to get things sorted for France!

Exhausted already - lots of coffee this morning but nothing with caffeine from lunch to bed time. Chilli con Carne for dinner so I’ll be able to try my new gadget! A rice cooker from Lidl, and with Mary’s 5.00 voucher I effectively got it for 10.00!

Have a great day everyone. Nigel xxx

[Nigel-Marnee]

Hi Lizzy, I wouldn’t think that would be a problem for the optician, but maybe let them know? I’m having real difficulty getting my new glasses right - I have very high pressure, which opticians never believe and always do the test again for that reason! I have mild cataracts, and they sometimes struggle to get the prescription right. I’ve to use the new glasses for another 4 weeks now, and then see them again. I double checked, and they’re happy I am safe to drive and well within the limits. I’d just prefer 100% sharpness rather than 90%!

I will also make an appointment to go back to the hospital as well.

Hope all goes well for you.

Nigel xxx

[Debsie1]

Well I feel really bad about saying it but I got a full 8 hour sleep last night. Still did my usual 5am waking but got back to sleep. Do I feel great? Actually I feel rather lethargic. Took me another hour just to get up and make tea. I am going to try and be brave and drive somewhere today. I plan to visit my son this weekend which is a 90min drive so I have got to get used to it. I do wonder though if I will ever get used to it. My eldest boys and their wives just jump in the car without a thought or worry. I so want to be like that but at 64 I don’t think it will happen now. I had to drive home from my eldest sons last night. I went for dinner and its only 2 miles away but got quite stressed on the way back. What is wrong with me?

Lizzy good luck on the glasses. Choosing new ones are a nightmare. Too much choice. I was severly short sighted. -13.5. Even then I could only just read the 3rd line with glasses/contact lenses on and which is apparently ok to drive and not bad enough to be referred. I disagreed. As I had BUPA at the time I went private and he thought replacing the lens, which is what a cataract operation is, might help. I only had mild cataracts though and they were not expecting a huge improvment. After the surgery I could read all the way to the bottom line without glasses. It felt like a miricle. Even the consultant was surprised. My eyes have deteriorated since so I do wear glasses now. Infact last year was the first time since I was 11 that my eyesight hasn’t got worse. Has it finally stopped, I hope so.

Peaches you do sound much more on top of things. Maybe its the sleep that helps.

Have a good day all - time to be brave.

[Nigel-Marnee]

Debsie, I’m sure you can do this driving thing - it does make travel etc much easier. I don’t know what I’d if I couldn’t drive. Mary loved driving her Kia. (Still on the drive, but hopefully gone tomorrow morning). You don’t need to drive fast, but not too slowly either so as not to frustrate others. Drive to the road and conditions - that’s what I do and it gives me such independence - especially now, not having someone who could drive for me.

I’m going to contact the hospital about my cataracts and high pressure while I’m away. I’m overdue a check up and possibly a cataract operation myself. Quite nervous about it though. I’d have to time it right, as I’ve now got no one to drive me around, or get kids to school.

Much love. Nigel xxx

[Lizzy28]

Debsie, my appointment went well he did find a few problems, one being the cataract which won’t improve till it needs surgery but it’s not ready yet. Also he found an astigmatism in my eye which I’ve never had before, he did a few tests, I was amazed. He told me not to argue if I don’t think a picture is straight on a wall because I won’t see it correctly . My eye is like a rugby ball now and not round. How on earth did that happen? And I’ve lost one of my punctual plugs from my eye. I felt as if had something in my eye a few times but couldn’t see anything. I did wonder if it was the tiny plug. That means a call to the hospital to get it put back in.
I totally understand where you are coming from on the driving front. My daughter will drive anywhere in her car but she doesn’t realise how nervous I am actually getting in the car, it’s alien to her. My main problem is my sense of direction, it’s zero. I even got lost this morning walking to find this shop before my appointment. It’s an old seaside town, it was freezing and I do know it quite well but I still got lost. I had to walk all the way back and go along the seafront which was longer than the way I just walked. If I get another car, it will be one with a big screen in front of me. My daughter showed me hers and I might cope with that. I know I can get it on my phone but it’s too small for me to concentrate with. The drivers are all so impatient nowadays, I’m not a fast driver but keep to the speed limits that I don’t annoy anyone, but still they overtake me. I’ve never had an accident before apart from scraping the car bringing it out my garage. The kids were small and were having an argument at the time.

Nigel, good on you starting to sell the sewing machines, they are so expensive these days. I bought my daughter a sewing machine and an overlocker, I don’t think she uses it much these days but she needed it for part of her course when she was at Uni. Would you use it? I say if you haven’t used it in six months it’s got to go. If you have room which I’m sure you will have in your big house, keep one. Sell, sell, sell.
I can’t believe I’ve got rid of a lot of my gadgets as well. Ones I don’t use often are going. I’m being really ruthless. I want my worktops totally cleared when I sell.
I’m going to go up in the loft just now to throw out all the wine making Kits that are up there. I will fill up the plastic bin that’s due to be emptied tomorrow. Hope I can still get up there, my paint is getting delivered after 3pm, hope he doesn’t ring bell when I’m up there, I need time to get back down. Wish me luck. Xxx

[PeachesDixon]

Good Morning!

A good night’s sleep makes such a difference. Bright eyed and bushy tailed this am. Ready to get things done! Not on the schedule I planned but only about 2 hours behind my calendar.

Lizzy, ruthless is the only way. I’ve yet to regret anything I have let go and frankly, do not miss those things at all. A lot was angry tossing, mad that so much crap was being stored and taking up space, but tossing has slowed down and detailed editing is going on.

Nigel - the sewing machines will be loved and made useful by others who will be delighted with them. I really like that my husband’s things will be used by others. He would approve.

Debsie, I know you are nervous about driving. It is okay, it is like riding a bike, you don’t forget how. Everyday, crank up that machine and drive around familiar places for 15- 20 minutes to get the feel of the vehicle. Pull into parking areas, park, back out, etc. Practice makes perfect. Soon, it will be natural. You can do this; you are a smart, sensible woman and are already ahead of most of the drivers out there.

Just claim that car. “This is my car, I am in control of it, I drive where I want and use this car for my convenience and pleasure. I am a safe and careful driver and am alert to cars traveling around me”.

5 things a day. Just 5 = 35 a week = 150 a month.

Love to all. It is quarter to 10 already and am still in my jammies. Slow to start, but will still get it done.