Haha - that was supposed to say I’d defrosted the two cars before the school run! Fat fingers or predictive text! Got nothing done other than my medicine boxes for the next 4 weeks, and then a friend arrived just as I was about to leave for the pick up. Never mind. Oh, I did actually cut the bottom off the wooden cross to be put on the grave until the granite one can go back later in the year. Now I can varnish it and get it back where it should be. I’d like to do that before leaving on Saturday.
2 Likes
Debsie its funny everyone is talking about eyesight I have an appointment tomorrow to get my eyes tested, think its near 3
Yrs since last one but I sat on my glasses got a but buckled but I managed straighten them then last
Wk the leg fell off so thought get my eyes tested and buy new ones! Ive been wearing glasses I bought in TKMaxx in the meantime for reading. Thats all I need them for, in 2010 I had laser surgery as I wore varifocals and I couldnt see a thing without them, it worked well till about 3 yrs ago and I started to
struggle with small print, good thing is the distance didnt detiorate!
2 Likes
Lizzy when I was young I failed my driving test 3x, I gave up after that because I know in my heart I would have always been a nervous driver, I got nervous before every lesson never mind a test! So hats off to you. your doing well xxx
3 Likes
Peaches I needed you in the back seat on my driving lessons when i was young, I was so nervous every lesson and never felt in control of the car xx
3 Likes
Well I did manage to drive to the RSPB reserve - all 11miles! Had to negotiate a roundabout on the A1 thats in the process of being redesigned. Got a bit confused as was unsure if the lane I was in on the left was for left turn only with the new works. Then there were no road markings but I went straight on anyway and didn’t hit anything so I think it was ok. I also walked around the reserve without getting lost this time. I still cannot understand how I got lost last time. I have walked around there probably a dozen times a year, I went round the other way this time and all worked out fine.
Peaches I can tell myself all those but I don’t think I will believe them. Apprently the optician said I only use my central vision. They tested my peripheral vision and its fine but I don’t use it. I think thats why I struggle to work out what is going on when situations are complicated or new. I then get a bit panicky and worried about making mistakes. Also explains my poor observational skills.
Hope everyone has a good evening/day. Speg Bol tonight from the freezer.
2 Likes
I passed on my second go but I actually stalled it three times, rolled on my hill start, I could see my instructor telling me to go, I stalled it twice trying to go from test centre. I actually said to examiner should we just stop now? He never said anything just told me where to go next. He told me afterwords that I did the right procedure when I stalled it and seemingly can’t fail it on that. I wouldn’t have sat another one if I’d failed. I’ve never enjoyed driving, I got an automatic car as my first one and couldn’t drive a manual one now. I panic if I see diversion signs and I mean panic, I’ve had tears when I don’t know where I’m going. I think living in country hasn’t helped me, I mean I need street lights and lines on roads, if I move home I think I will manage local driving as I will know the roads better. Who knows, time will tell. Xxx
2 Likes
Debsie my optician said once I get my new glasses I should be ok to drive, I actually was wishing he would say I can’t drive. At least I’m driving to the dump which has a tight bend to get to the general rubbish skip. It’s only a ten minute drive but it’s something. I can also drive to a supermarket which is about 15/20 min drive. I park miles from anyone as well. It would only take one thing to happen and the car would be sold at the moment.
Thats another thing sold, can’t say it’s getting easier but it has to be done.
Beef casserole for dinner tonight xxx
2 Likes
Lizzy that is my dream, being told I mustn’t drive. I passed on my third try. There was years between each attempt as each time I gave up. On my second attempt I reversed up a curb. Each test I shook so much I could barely let the clutch out. I changed to automatic 15 years ago because of a dodgy knee.
2 Likes
Got 2 of 4 list things done so far and not interested in completing the last 2. Blah.
Did not have to drive to the courthouse and spend hours out of my house (which I dread) as I learned from the clerk of court office that I can MAIL it in! Yes, it will take longer for me to get the return documents, but when weighing the drive, $25 parking on the 5th floor of a garage and traffic, I chose the short delay.
Maybe I am crazy to not run there ASAP, but I have to do what I think is best for me on an hour by hour basis and today there was no room on my plate for a courthouse run. If not in the mail, I would not get there until the end of the week or maybe even next week.
Even though it was last week that I filed, the trauma of that drive and the one to the dentist hasn’t gone away. I had knots in my stomach the whole way. Why? I was taught how to drive at 13 on a stick shift to prepare me for my learner’s permit at 15 and full registration at 16. I have driven cross-country on three continents, in rush hour city traffic of New York, Chicago, Houston, Atlanta, Los Angeles, never been in an accident, only ticket was for an expired brake tag (inspection sticker that certifies that the all the lights, horn, windshield wipers work, that the car has seat belts, bumpers, etc.)
It is all in postal service hands now. I’d rather wait than make that drive again.
It is the route I took 7 days a week to my office. I don’t want to drive it anymore. It is too reminiscent of the extreme stress I felt every morning on the way to a stressful day. But, mostly, I don’t want to leave the house. I guess it is okay to want to be home all the time and anxious to return when we leave. Anyone else?
I ran all the errands and went many places alone before my husband died and thought nothing of it. Now, I feel a different kind of alone - ness. Fragile, visible, exposed unless safely tucked away, hiding at home.
Make the world go away.
So glad I don’t have to dress, do hair or make up for the salon tomorrow.
Out to the garden for 30 minutes. I’ll let you know if I make headway.
Love
4 Likes
Debsie you sound like me the more I know you. My driving instructor said he was going to get me a yearly pass it took me so long to get to the test level. He took me for a coffee after the lesson before my test to calm me down. I spent the hour before I left the house in the toilet. I guess some people are natural drivers I am not. I had to drive when my husband lost his driving license on medical grounds, I think I suffered more than him because I had to drive but he sat beside me and tried to calm me down, he hated me driving but he had no choice. He was finally getting somewhere with the DVLA. His doctor was happy with him and was sending a letter to the DVLA but you know how hard it is to deal with them. He had to go for an eye test because he had glaucoma but that was a good sign, they usually sent a letter saying he still couldn’t get his licence back. This letter came a few days after he died. I had to call them to say he couldn’t attend the appointment. They asked why and I cried. So unfair, he wanted his licence back so much. I think this is why I cry every time I go into the car. I had tears in my eyes this morning on the bus passing the crematorium and where his ashes were scattered in the hills.
Everyone tries to be so nice to you when you go to hairdressers and even the optician, two of them asked me what I’m doing for the rest of the day, are you doing anything nice? Are you going on holiday this year? If they only knew what was going on in my head. My holiday in April will be the saddest holiday yet leaving our happy apartment. I’m going back home on the bus to see where his ashes were scattered, I’m clearing out his favourite man cave, I went for a coffee in this new coffee shop, it was lovely, they were so so friendly, asking me again what I am doing for the rest of the day. I nearly missed my bus with her chatting, it’s an hour before the next one comes.
Maybe one day in the future I will have something nice to tell these nice people but for now it’s too hard. Take care xxx
4 Likes
Peaches you were a strong independent woman before and I have no doubt whatsoever that you will be again. You have had the rug pulled out from under you and you feel vulnerable. It’s ok to protect yourself and give yourself the time you need. You won’t always feel like this. I have never been independent. I am however finding out that I am stronger than I thought I was. We are all survivors. We are all warriors.
4 Likes
Lizzy aren’t you ever tempted to say something and shock them when they ask about your day. I have been, but stopped myself. It’s not their fault.
3 Likes
Are you ok Peaches? It’s not like you to be negative about yourself. And no mention of your dog! If it’s any consolation, I too didn’t get much done today, just the medication, cutting the bottom rotten bit off the cross and making a meal. So just 2 out of a planned 5 for me! But I’m whacked, and have gone for an early night.
Up at 7.00 am for another school run, and hopefully the car will go soon after I get back from that. It is all booked for it to go ahead in the morning. Please let it happen tomorrow - at the agreed price! I want it gone now! I’ll do my 5 a day list while I’m waiting for him to arrive, at least I won’t be pacing the floor.
Hope you had a good time in the garden,
Much love and best wishes. Nigel xxx
2 Likes
Yes Peaches I most definitely can understand that, I’m the same turning into a recluse, its our safe place to be now, hence I’m putting on weight because I was always out for walks getting my steps in, not anymore xxx
2 Likes
Georgi you really should try and do that walk. The weather doesn’t help I know but nature is great for your mental health. I usually walk for about an hour a day. My mind wanders and my anxiety lessens. Sometimes I don’t feel like it but once I’m out I am glad I went. Staying in is what stresses me.
3 Likes
Peaches, I don’t know if it’s the trauma we have all gone through that makes us feel this way, I’m probably the opposite, I love getting out the house but when I stay away I want back home to my own bed but feel sad coming back in to the house. My head doesn’t know what it wants. I used to drive an hour every day to get to my work, I hated it especially in the winter, my husband would be up before me, make my breakfast, have a tea in my vacuum cup in case I got held up, defrosted the car, he put an emergency pack in my car like blankets, snow shovels etc, he worried about me driving on the country road then two very busy motorways. When I got to work I was shattered. I usually stayed with my son a few days then had to drive back down on a busy Friday afternoon. I occasionally went back home on the Wednesday as well depending on the weather. He always had a lovely G& T poured for me when I got home, made my dinners all weekend, I was spoiled. He was so good to me. Now I have lost my confidence, not sleeping well. I need to pull myself together, get my nails sorted and go to a different hairdresser away from this town, start eating healthier although I did have a real dinner tonight. I had a pot noodle yesterday which I don’t even like but couldn’t be bothered making anything.
I hope I get a good sleep tonight, I have a few things on my list tomorrow, dump run, painting, cleaning up as I go along, I hate working in a mess. Will give the loft a miss tomorrow, I don’t think I put the ladder down properly, I panicked a bit when I was up, I threw a bag of stuff down and it stuck half way down, I had to try and go down and kick it down to get it moving.when I closed the hatch the hook slipped and it almost came down and smashed me in the face. I was very lucky , need to be more careful. Xxxx
2 Likes
I must say I’m forcing myself to go out, at least once every day, whether that’s the school runs, a trip to the shops, or to meet a friend. I loved shopping, especially buying things for Mary. I’d maybe see something really little, like a box of embroidery threads or something that would make her life easier, like an electric corkscrew. They’d be in my basket as quick as a flash. I was always doing that sort of thing. And I always got her more butter. She had her home made soda bread or crumpets with her butter! But I do feel lethargic shopping at the moment. Not much fun in shopping for one, is there? And no little ‘gifts’ to buy her now.
Hopefully tomorrow will bring us more enjoyment, or at least be an easier day.
Much love to you all. Nigel xxx
2 Likes
Debsie, oh I do feel like saying exactly what I’m thinking quite often, but I don’t, as you said it’s not their fault. I hate confrontation and would probably get upset if I did. But it’s tempting xx
1 Like
Nigel, my husband loved his wine and when I saw the electric corkscrew I had to buy it for him. He loved it, sadly I didn’t throw it out but put it in cupboard, I will keep it but don’t want it on the worktop, trying to clear it when I sell. That’s was a great gadget though. Xxx
2 Likes
Yes Debsie I really do need to get back to my walking, I will make every effort to do that xxx
2 Likes