Debsie our days can change in an instant, I had Alexa playing music on in the kitchen when a song started playing, it was one of the ones that played at the funeral. I cried my eyes out for ages. I guess it’s a first, papering a wall and bawling. I couldn’t stop, when I was talking to my friend in Ireland two of my lights kept flashing like mad, it was like being in a disco. She said my husband must be with us, I thought one was about to blow but they didn’t, they are both ok again. I will cry on the 9th feb, it will be our 12th wedding anniversary , February and March will both be sad months for me. So much has changed in our lives and didn’t want it too. I was very happy. We had a lot to look forward to, but it didn’t happen. I don’t know what will happen but we must carry on and try and make a new chapter in our lives now. Wish we were nearer I’d come round and give you a hug, 
Thank you Lizzy. I must admit that I miss my husbands hugs. He was a very tactile person. Hugs, cuddles and kisses. I’ve had my cherry brandy, had a good cry. Feeling a little better.
Debsie, so sorry you’ve had a rough day. It’s awful that these come along when you feel you’re doing well. But you’ll have good days again soon - maybe even tomorrow.
Take care. Nigel xxx
Lizzy - we’ll both be crying on Sunday, as that’s the 40th anniversary of my first ‘date’ with Mary - a date we celebrated as ‘our’ day ever since. It was possibly more important than our wedding anniversary. Just a few days later Mary’s best friend died just 2 days before her birthday. I then took Mary to the cremation, and bought her a Claddagh ring for that day. That was the moment we really got together. I’ve always had to be there for Mary on those dates. Added to that, 10th is the day my best friend from work died 5 years ago - such a lovely girl - so I’ll be joining you with a sad time in February.
At least we know that certain days will be difficult, and with any luck we can prepare for them in advance - that’s one reason why I’m driving on 9th!
Big hugs in advance. Nigel xxx
I’m really struggling with no Wi-Fi here. I sent you all messages yesterday and none of them have uploaded.
I’m on day three of my radiotherapy and I’m quite achy with burning sensation.
This morning I went to put my boots on. I did my back in. I couldn’t find my tens machine all the boxes. I could barely walk into the radiotherapy department. The radio Therapist had to change my clothes for me because I couldn’t manage. If I’m still this bad tomorrow, I’m just gonna tell him to take the top off and not bother putting the other top one because they only take half of it off to do my breast anyway.
I’ve been having some pretty horrible side-effects from the tomoxafin. It certainly added to my grief levels.
I finally got a phone call from a bereavement group. Offering me the opportunity to meet with some people in the area who have been bereaved . Kind of amazing that I’ve got 10 months on and finally someone’s offering a bit of help they moved the inquest to March .
My poor daughter has just called me to say that she tried to buy a new rail card because she’s 18 tomorrow and it says that her card has been cancelled. But she hasn’t cancelled her card at the bank so I’m worried it might be a scam. In the meantime, she’s got no money to go out with our friends tomorrow night cause she can’t get hold of her card .
At this stage, I feel so helpless. She was crying on the phone saying I’m trying really hard to have a good 18th birthday but my dad died and my mum got cancer and now I haven’t got any money to go out with. And I found myself crying my eyes out And trying really hard to support her even though I was crying.
So these were the things I noticed from what you all said yesterday. Sometimes it’s very hard to keep up if you’re not looking to during the day.
Nigel the Piano is just like riding a bike you will get straight back on it and you will suddenly discover that your fingers and your mind have automatic knowledge of what you should be doing. I haven’t paid my flute for the best part of 20 years, but I picked it up last year and began a flute concerto without even thinking about it .
I know how worrying Turkish affairs can be. They’re always so different from the way we do things.
My dad was rushed into hospital yesterday morning. He’s had to have an endoscopy and they kept him in overnight again. He’s 84 and they left him in a corridor. He worked for the health service for 50 years and it’s still working as a legal witness. And he was left in a corridor thank you for all your hard work to the NHS!
KtG. You really are being sorely tested at the moment, and I’m so sorry for your daughter struggling with her card. I’ve never had cancer, but my best friend did, and he said the treatment was really difficult to cope with.
I was talking with the SE London NHS in a webinar this evening about the new 10 year NHS plan by Wes Streeting, and raised the issue of lack of bereavement support, when we were talking about mental health issues. They have taken details and are going to look into the situation. We were also discussing care in the community for some people who don’t need to be in hospital and if that does come off, and it has started to with scans etc locally, then that would free up beds for those like your dad, and Mary, who ended up in corridors.
Thanks for your encouragement about the piano, I’ll give it a go when I get back from France - I’m running out of time to get things done before Saturday morning.
Hoping your day is better today, and give your daughter our best wishes for today.
Much love Nigel xxx
Good evening everyone!
Got my mani-ped. Looks pretty good and my feet are soft again. Did not manage to survive a hour without messing up the toe nails. They put on so many layers, nothing has time to dry well and now I have 9 painted toes and one all sludged up.
This is why I do my own nails and feet, but I had a gift card for most of the service, so, I treated myself.
Then to the mechanic shop. The darling young man will come either tomorrow or Friday to jump the SUV battery and take it to his shop for a new one. So kind.
I am going to eyeball him tomorrow, he looks quite large - like my husband. And, I have lots of Big Man stuff.
It was nearly 85 degrees inside this afternoon because the blinds were open. I can’t breath in hot air. Felt a bit dizzy in the nail salon, maybe the toxic fumes? Maybe the toxic stuff called nail polish. Maybe, I missed my anti-depressant for 2 days and took it on a tummy full of coffee today. Got so dizzy, had to crash and moan in my hot house after the mechanic shop until the pills took effect. Got so hot that I still feel on fire from the inside. Guess I am a hottie tonight. Hahahahahaha! Feels like a hot flash, but those are long gone.
Just put some dinner in the oven and am done until Dog College tomorrow night.
Maybe fence guys tomorrow. We’ll see.
These 2 things today wore me out.
KtG - I know I speak for all of us when I say that I pray for your complete healing. I am sorry about the Tomoxafin. Ask for some anti-depressants to combat this drug until you no longer need to take it. Better living through chemistry don’t you know.
When we mess up our back just getting dressed, life sucks. I am so sorry.
I suppose it is better late than never with the bereavement group. Please do go and let us know how it works and if it is of any help to you.
Tell your daughter to go to an ATM and see if the card works, if not call the number on the card to find out what happened. Banks are open too. Nice birthday. Poor kiddo. Can you send her money over the phone? I know nothing about how to do that, but I know people who do use those.
Your daughter is still a baby girl, only 18, and this is the worst birthday ever. Her world fell apart and like ours the hits keep coming. Such a tough age to live through and she is lost, I feel so sorry for her. Just cry. What else can you do?
I hope and pray that your father is returned to health and comes home soon. I’ve been stuck in halls too.
Nigel, get some help packing. How many days will you be driving?
All’s well here. Hope the same for all of you.
Love
Ktg,
Why does life keep throwing these curveballs at us? It’s not fare. My Wi-Fi is dodgy at times here, I sometimes have to run to the back of the house to pick up a phone call, it’s very annoying, someone kept calling me when I was talking to my sister and I didn’t know who it was, it started ringing later saying No Caller ID which usually means it’s a doctor, I said hello but nothing, I ran to back of house, opened a window to see if that helped but couldn’t connect. I had a msg and the msg said nothing. It’s always important calls this happens to. Hope they call me tomorrow, I will run outside next time. Radiotherapy is very tiring, just look after yourself and take it easy. Did they give you Flamigel, it will calm the area down. My husband had loads of tubes of it, I had to throw them all out but kept one. It does help, ask them about it. Maybe you should see your GP and get painkillers, I’m the worst person to tell anyone to take pills but when I do,I’m in a lot of pain. Does your tens machine help? Please don’t suffer, when I was going through chemo, the nurses and doctors were super, they told me to call them for anything, don’t go to GP, I felt I couldn’t just call them at the beginning but my husband made me do it and honestly they sorted out any little problem I had.
Gosh I know how you must be feeling about your daughter’s card problem, you feel helpless that you can’t help. I used to get calls like that from my daughter when was away at Uni, I couldn’t help her just had to try and calm her down which isn’t easy when the are crying on the phone. It must be hard for her. All you can do is listen, let her get it all off her chest. I hope she contacted the bank asap.
That’s good about the bereavement counselling, I hope it helps. I might try and see if there are any groups when I move, I don’t feel as if I’m giving myself time to really grieve at the moment yet I still cry every day, just one little thing sets me off.
I hope you get your Wi-Fi sorted out, I would be so lonely without it, I’m so isolated hence the rubbish signal on my phone. I do have a landline which I’ve got working again but it never rings, actually I’m surprised if it was a doctor they didn’t try it yesterday. 
. You take care of yourself, sending hugs
Hi Peaches, 7.00 am here, and seems I was last to sleep and first to wake! Ah, Lizzy may have just beaten me in waking up! 85 is hot, that’s 29.5 in Celsius which we mostly use in the UK. That heat does make breathing difficult. Mind you I wish I had a bit of that here, it’s still so cold. 32 degrees F - 0 degrees C right now!
It’s strange how small things seem to tire us all out - age? Maybe it’s just the stress? I could do with a pedicure, but I think it’s pretty expensive, and it’d no doubt be just women in there. I’d feel right out of place, Shame about that one toe, can you patch it up?
I’ve not got a lot to pack, and it’s really a one person job, but I do need to make sure I’ve not forgotten something and I know I’ve got a box of biscuits in the store, which will save me buying them there. They’re left over from the wake, so need using before too long. I’ll put things in cardboard boxes so they don’t rattle about. I’ll also need to empty the fridge of perishable items too. Oh darn, they’ve just been for the food waste bin, so I’ll ask my family to put it out next week, or I could put most on the compost heap. Brexit has put a stop to taking meat, dairy or most fruit and veg with us. I might take some onions I have but not much more than that. The rest can stay in the fridge. I don’t normally worry too much about “best before” dates on things, as long as they look and smell ok. That’s a standing joke - I found some butterscotch sauce in my store cupboard in France a while ago, dated 1976, and that was still ok. The soup I had last night was well past its BB date, but there was nothing wrong with it. With squares of toast topped with garlic aioli and grated cheese, it made a filling meal - well it was a jar for two people - at least, and there’s none left! As I’ve often said, the food doesn’t know the date anyway.
Well that’s about it, have a good day everyone.
Love to you all. Nigel xxx
I’ve got around 800 miles or so to drive, so that will be an hour and a half to the ferry, then 5 hours to the hotel in Orleans on Saturday. Then around 7 hours driving on Sunday. That includes time for breaks, so I’m hoping to arrive at the house in daylight, as they’re one hour ahead of the UK. My car can be set to remind me when I’ve driven for long enough, so that will make sure I take suitable breaks, and get coffee and food on the road.
I could also do with tidying the house a bit so I don’t come back to all the mess, but some will just have to wait until I’m back.
Strangely I’m a bit nervous of this trip. I guess that’s natural with no one else with me, or there or at home. If she wasn’t in the car with me, Mary would be tracking my progress and calling me whenever I stopped for a break. Using the phone when driving is illegal in France, even on hands free I think. I’m sure the kids will be doing the tracking instead and I’m certainly going to drive carefully. They’re hot on speeding now too, so have to watch out as they don’t always tie in with the SatNav. It’s the other idiots on the road I have to look out for.
Morning Lizzy. That call might be a scam call, so please be careful if they do call back. Hopefully it’s not and it was just your poor reception.
Nigel xxx
Nigel, I Guess we are going to have lots of dates as “firsts” this year, we coped at Christmas and New Year now a lot more ahead of us. The only good thing, I will have my grandchildren and the wee dog who helped me on that horrible 2nd week. That dog knew something was wrong, I just had to sniff and she would be up trying to lick my face. She never left my side. My daughter thought I had spoiled her that week as she wouldn’t settle when she came home, I slept on the couch and she cuddled into me, she was such a comfort to me. I will be away all weekend, home on Monday. Dog will be getting lots of cuddles as I may need them. Nigel you will prob have all your packing done, when my children were young we took our caravan to France every year. I loved it, we usually went to the West Coast, we sailed from Plymouth or was it Portsmouth? to Cherbourg, stayed at Normandy a few days before going further down. We sailed to Santander one year and then on to Biarritz, it was beautiful. If you bought a chicken you got a free bottle of wine lol, we usually got two, what more do you need, French bread, cheese, chicken and wine. We met up with friends one year, had a bbq my friend and I went to the supermarket to get hot dog rolls, we had a few samples of wine in the shop, rude not to. Needless to say the hot dog rolls had strawberry jam in them, oops! I’m envious of you, I love France.
Nigel, I did think that as well, but doctors usually make calls around 11ish when the rush is over then the second one which I read as No Caller ID was about 4.30. I don’t usually get a lot of scam calls but you never know. I would give them a call but I would feel stupid asking if they called me. If it’s important they will call the landline. I will double check my landline just in case it’s not working again as it’s usually doctors that use it. Now there’s a thought. !
Take care we will all be thinking about you xxx
Oh Ktg, next time I feel sorry for myself I’ll think of you. You have so much on your plate but have also achieved so much. I hope your daughter has some friends around her who can help. My eldest son is 40 this year and I still find myself trying to sort out his problems. I try and stop myself. I tell myself that he is old enough to sort his own, but I will always give any help or advice he needs. My youngest is 30 and as he is my baby I have trouble letting go. He is on the spectrum so I am a bit more protective.
Nigel my husband always said that he wanted our youngest son to have his bike. I wasn’t sure if I could get it in the car. I did but now worried I won’t be able to get it out.
Woke early today at 5am, with a threatening migraine. But seeing a friend this morning so I hope its a better day then yesterday. I looked at bereavement meets near me. The meeting place is a garden centre that has now closed. I’m not sure I’m brave enough to walk up to strangers anyway. I’ll look out for updates. I wish I was more confident with people. There are lots of groups out there but taking the first step is scary.
Peaches I cannot bear having my feet pulled about. I can’t wiggle my toes and they cramp for the slightest reason. You must feel good having ticked another thing off your list.
Nigel I have found a tin of condensed milk that is 3 years out of date. Plan to make millionaires shortcake today to take to my sons Saturday. Hopefully its ok, tins should be fine.
My garden backs onto a recreation field. I seem to have acquired a pallet in my garden. Some kids need a slap. Think I might put it back over.
Lizzy Yes be careful when no one speaks, sometimes you can pick up background noise these can be call centres tele sales,
or someone just didn’t recognise the voice.
Take care 
Yes, first’s galore I guess. I always worry about running out of time, but it always goes ok! I stayed at a couple of places on the west coast of France in my early years with Mary (and also with my ex-wife when we were together). We’ve literally gone there every year for 40 years, often several times a year when we had the mobile homes, and now the house.
That story about the hot dog rolls reminds me that Mary and her friend went to buy dinner. They decided on swordfish steaks, which cost a fortune. They decided a glass of wine would be nice, then looked at some clothes shops. Then they came home - but no food! They’d put the bag down in the clothes shop and forgot about it. By the time they realised, the shops were closed for the weekend. We always wondered who got those steaks and whether they were still there on Monday morning! They’d stink by then!
Hope you have a good weekend. Nigel xxx
Debsie, sorry you were awake early with that possible migraine. I don’t suffer from them, but know they can be totally debilitating.
I still end up helping my youngest boy. They’re not on high incomes and sometimes just need that little bit more.
If the bike went in the car - it will come out. (Hopefully!)
I’ve groups around me but like you, that first step into the unknown is quite scary, and the day I was going to go was such a good day, I felt like a fraud and couldn’t face a group of crying people, when I was quite happy.
Hit the reply button, so will add a further comment as edits time out!
My soup was dated 2016! But “totally fine darling” as I used to say to Mary. I’ve never heard of millionaire’s shortcake - but it sounds posh!
Be careful putting the pallet back, if someone sees you, you could be accused of fly tipping!
Have a good day. Nigel xxx
Debsie, My husband would have taken the pallet and said thank you lol, that would have kept us going in kindling for a while. But agree how annoying, what gives people the right to do that. If it’s painted blue you couldn’t burn it, it belongs to the company it came from. I really need to move back to civilisation talking about wood, country life doesn’t suit me.
Sorry your headache back, I had another restless night waking up all night again. I fell asleep quickly but my first one as 1.30. Then 3am then 4am. It doesn’t make you feel good next day. I have four strips of paper to do, then I’m done. My next challenge is taking the car to buy an off-cut bit of carpet for the room. As usual I have to travel about 35 minutes, or longer if there are road works, can I do it,? I’m not sure. I might chicken out and take a chance on Amazon but it’s hard to see colour properly. I’m slow to get going today, I have to make lasagne to take to my daughters and mozzarella sticks, this was my orders from my grandson. Oh and I love millionaire shortbread, homemade is the best. My Mum made the best ever, I wish I’d got her recipe. I’ve got a sweet tooth and it my fav.
I’m not sure I could walk into a group either, I would be ill at the thought of it but I guess everyone must think like that at the beginning.
I feel easier writing things down but actually speaking to strangers might be too hard for me. That’s why I love this group, I don’t think I would have coped without it. I had no one to talk to unless I travelled to see friends.
Hope today is a good one . , I better start papering. All the hard bits are done, almost at the finishing line now xxxxx
Oh KtG what can I say, your having a terrible time at the moment and my heart goes out to you x
Your poor daughter too what a time to be scammed when she is going through so much, no 18 yr old should have those worries on her shoulders, it’s heartbreaking !
And now you both have your dad to worry about too, thinking of you all at this terrible time xxx
Almost everything is now in the hall so actual packing can start after lunch! Came across two large metal butterflies Mary wanted to put on the balcony, a few tears shed, and not sure whether to put them up or not! I also received loads of statements from Halifax, so that will help me deal with Mary’s finances and 2024-2025 tax return in due course.
Also today is my friend Jackie’s 5th anniversary, not on the10th of February as I’d thought. So I did a little poem for her. Even if I don’t post it on her Facebook page, it was nice to write it. I had the honour of putting her wedding video onto DVD a few years ago, and also one of a holiday she went on with her husband. Looking at her Facebook page and writing the poem brought back lovely memories.
Had a little play on the piano - I think I will be able to pick up from where I left off more than 50 years ago - with a little bit of extra practice and coaching!
Have good day everyone.
Nigel xxx