Hi Dahlia, if you have been reading these pages then you know you are not alone with these feelings. It’s been 5 weeks and 1 day since I lost my husband of 44 years. Like you it was unexpected and I’m still in shock. You will hear a lot of people say take one day at a time. The funeral is just another day to get through. I chose not to have a traditional funeral but to have a celebration of life which is on Friday. I too am dreading it. About 70 people are coming from all over the country and I am anxious that I have to play host. However I have my boys and some lovely friends who I know will take care of me. I’m doing it for my Davy, so I will try very hard to be brave. I want to make him proud. It’s just a few hours and I have survived 5 weeks so I’m sure I can survive a few hours. I will be thinking of you on your day and I’m sure you will get through it and also make your love proud.
Thank you Debsie we too are having a celebration. Steve loved Pink Floyd so we are going to remember him like he would want us to…Its so hard though having a red wine maybe i shouldn’t but he loved it xxx
Hi I am so sorry you have had to join our group, we all know the pain you are going through. I’m also 5 weeks and one day in now, his celebration of life was on the 30th October, I seemed to be quite calm on the day and I don’t know why, I wanted to do him proud as it was the last thing I could do for him. Yes I cried a bit but also laughed as well. I tried to keep it light, we were only married for 11 years but we had a great marriage, I miss him so much, he was so caring and looked after me so well. Today I was tidying a drawer out and found this notepad which he had almost used as a diary. He was in hospital for about 3 months after his throat cancer surgery. I was amazed at the things he had written, he never ever complained and was doing so well so it was such a shock that he died so suddenly. A lot of the things made me smile as I read what he wrote,other things made me cry. It’s been an odd day, had a lovely brandy tonight, I shudnt really but we enjoyed a wee drink at night together so why not. Just keep chatting to us in the group, it has helped me a lot. We will get through this together, sending hugs xx
Yes looking forward to retirement together was blown apart with his diagnosis he had retired the yr before and I actually officially got my state pension on 23rd April and he passed on the 1st May, its a cruel disease and I still feel bitter and think why him ? 48 yrs with someone (47 married) its just impossible to get over, once the family were up & married it was just me & him and now on my own it just feels like what is the point in being here for me, its so lonely and I just know I will feel like that till the day I die, but you just do it for your kids & grandkids really xx
November 12 will be 7 weeks for me. Still numb, Walking in circles. Confused. Scary. Sad. Not eating. Staying home, locked away except for errand for necessities. Staying awake until 3am. No interest in tv, movies, books, shops, fests - just no.
Yes, you are in shock. It will be with you for awhile and we can’t say how long. Most of us are there, some are back to unrelenting painful grief. Whatever your response, it is the correct one and is normal.
I, too, dreaded the funeral of my husband. The final good bye. Here is what you do, prepare now. Pick out your outfit, try it on and make sure it fits well and is comfortable to wear for hours. Select your best stuff. Choose the jewelry you will wear. Polish the shoes. Get your hair done. Get a mani-ped. Pretty up with a little make-up.
You will honor your husband this way and when you look good you have more confidence. You will greet, smile. laugh, and cry. And you will make it all the way through. Then it will be a blur.
Oh yes, we can.
Much love.
Quiet Sunday. Rainy, dark. Purging MY closet even more. Stacks of folded clothes that are too big. Some with tags still on them. Insane.
Made 2 decisions on paint. Wrote checks for bills. Drank dark roasted coffee and chicory all day. Got a call from a friend in another state who talked about her life for an hour without stopping. Recently retired, she is traveling everywhere by herself and coming for a couple of days soon to get me out of the house.
Ok with me. Lead me by the hand.
Let tomorrow be sweeter than today for all of us.
November 12th is 17 weeks for me and I still feel like this x
My husband also loved Pink Floyd, and I have a couple of tracks on the playlist. However, they are a bit sad sounding so I have only the two, and most of the rest are upbeat. There are songs in there that make me cry with the memories. I, too, am thinking that a drink beforehand may help. I don’t often drink, so I have to be careful. They also give me migraines, which I’ll probably have anyway. I just wish David could be there to enjoy it himself.
The fact that any of us is here is crap, no let’s be honest, it’s S**t, it deserves the capitalisation, but it also means you are not alone, we are here and we are istening, sometimes I don’t reply as it is just too painful, I got 4 and a bit weeks in thinking that I was dealing with it okish and then it hit me on a Monday all at once and that was it, took more time off work and just cried all day staring at the wall, since then I am not saying it’s better, I’m not even saying I can easily talk about it but I’m starting down that road. Beware the quit times.
Sending hugs atrum, it sure is hard, I wish I was still working as it would get me out. I have to force myself to go out for a coffee on my own. We will get through this, I’m trying hard and I’m sure you are too, x
Thanks Lizzy, I work from home, it was one of the fears my wife had that all our home would be for me after she went, was a place of work with painful memories, she is right, but also it is nice ish working where we spent so much time together.
Today is Veterans Day in the US. It is a national holiday during which we remember and honor all who have served in the armed forces.
Everyone is doing something special over this long weekend. Except me. It is just another very quiet day.
Coffee mug in hand, I go to the shredder. Sigh.
Atrum, my entire house is one huge memory of our life together and the home we created just for us. Now, it seems like someone else’s house.
4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, 2 offices, living room, dining room, kitchen, den. 4,200 square feet of empty. My husband was a big game hunter and fisher. We have trophy mounts from Africa/Canada/Argentina/Mexico. Clueless on what to do with them all. The house interior was designed as a lodge. I no longer want to live in the lodge. It died with my husband.
Lost again.
Much love to all.
I think a partnership is give and take. We have to accommodate the other person. Now we are on our own we have to find out who we are. We will never be the person that existed before our loved one died. I’m already noticing that I do some things differently and as I build this new life I suspect some of my choices would not be what they were before. Having said that I went for a walk we used to do together today. You will gradually work out what you want to be and do. The things I have cleared or changed are things I knew I didn’t like before being a widow. It makes you feel you have a some control over your life. I’m also thinking what I would like to do when I am more up to it. I’m thinking of learning to play piano, and learning to code. My husband never stopped me doing anything but in the past I always chose something for us to share and not something just for me. It’s going to be very strange not to consider anyone else.
Today is our Remembrance Day. It isn’t a national holiday here. We honour our fallen on the nearest Sunday to the 11th. I also live in a house with 6 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, dining room, kitchen and 2 living rooms. It was my pride and joy. We collected antiques. I feel nothing when I look at it now!!
My son in law is a hunter, Africa, Portugal, Spain and Turkey. He has a 4,000 acre hunting estate in Scotland. It is his passion, not my daughters. I think I also went along with things to accommodate his choices. Maybe now it is my turn to make those choices. I will get there. Eventually I will find a home that suits me and the dogs. Life is a bxtxh!
Hugs and understanding x
Debsie and Mbg - it is so good to read that other widows are experiencing the same thing. We selected, designed and decorated our homes with our spouses in mind. My husband would not have been happy with a feminine look, so I went masculine. I am tired of the dark colors and the manly look. It’s not me, it was us and there is no more us. Changes coming. I believe that I can not live in the past or I may as well have died 7 weeks ago too. Harsh reality.
Yes, it feels like gaining some control and it is weird not considering anyone else in decisions.
I left a message with a sporting goods chain that often buys mounts for their showrooms. We’ll see.
I have a full-grown, whole- body, lion. Maybe it will be donated to the Lion’s Club - an organization that does community service, has a reception hall and collects used eyeglasses to be sorted and given to those who can not afford eyewear. The members might get a kick out of it - a conversation piece maybe?
Gave 2 bear skins away. Folded the other 3 and put them in my husband’s closet until later.
The painters are here. The dog is barking. SOS.
More clothes from my closet. Taking everything out that i do not like, needs repair I will never do, or doesn’t fit. It is looking quite spacious in there now.
Changed battery on my key fob. Fed the pets.
Realized I no longer need so many laundry baskets.
It seems never ending. I want it all to be over. Over.
Today sucks.
We will all get there. At least I don’t have a lion to dispose of. My son in law is waiting for a crocodile from taxidermy. He recently updated his will and left my daughter all his dead animals. I don’t think she was thrilled!
My husband talked about getting rid of the mounts a month before he died because he was over them. 12 years was long enough, he said. So, it is okay to let them go.
I was on all the hunts, but the only shots I took were with a camera. When I look at the photos it seems that was someone else’s life a long time ago. So freaking sad, letting go of that life.
I miss my husband! I really, really do.
Hugs to all.
You have memories. When you’re in the right frame of mind, it will be
Wonderful to think back to better times. Grief and loss steals our future. Not our past. We just have to make a new future. X
I am losing my mind. I want to get rid of everything. Time for some anxiety meds. The mania is roaring.
Had a hot meal. Sort of. A cheeseburger with no bun. Grocery store. Pharmacy. Amazon order. Dog and I had a shower. Laundry. Shredding. Tossing. Purging.
I opened my blinds for the first time in 7 weeks. Nice. In many ways.
Need an electrician now - socket blew up in kitchen. The light system on my car went out, so it needs to go to the dealership. Need to put air in tires of husband’s SUV. It never ends. Never.
If I ever do breakdown into a puddle of tears, which I haven’t, it will be because I am pushed over the edge by all the cr*p falling apart around me on top of everything else. So much for one person. Yes, I know none of it is tragic, but I just don’t need it.
I want to run away or wake up in the morning and it is all done.
Raining so no painting, but had some trees trimmed. Went to put air in my husband’s SUV tires, couldn’t do it, burst out crying. The owner of the station helped. I felt so stupid and helpless and frustrated.
I was in a rush, needed tire air to go to the post office, the pet food store and the bank. Meanwhile, the men arrived to trim the trees, the dog was barking and my 97 year old aunt, whom I take care of, called with a grocery order. It was too much coming at me at once. I broke down.
But, I got it done.
I haven’t cried since his funeral, now I am crying at the service station?
F it all and city hall. I am going to the sofa for the rest of the day. I feel awful.
Hugs.