Sending hugs
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None of you are in any way responsible for the death of your loved ones. Fact. Please do not torment yourselves thinking you did something wrong and caused their demise because they went to the hospital or respite care or because you couldn’t revive them with CPR. None of us are miracle workers and we have no crystal ball to predict the future.
“It was his time” is an awful thing to hear. Reality for me is that it was my husband’s “time”. There was nothing further that could be done medically and I was told that even if the paramedics were in the room or he was in the emergency room, no one could have saved him.
I was even told that when the aneurysm dissected to not bother to call for an ambulance, my husband would die before they arrived.
Sometimes, there is just nothing we or anyone else can do to stop our loved ones from dying. We are all there. We are all here.
Let go of the guilt. You did nothing wrong.
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I do agree with you, we don’t know when our time will be up and we have to live for today, that was my husbands motto. I have a lot of what ifs going on in my head of what happened that morning, it tortures me all the time. We have to try and let it go, it’s difficult. Hugs to all of us with “what ifs”xxx
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Well, I had a very difficult conversation with the consultant. I sobbed throughout the whole time. And for some time after. It would not have helped getting to the hospital earlier. She doesn’t think the surgery caused problems as it was 7 weeks ago. The heart was working fine on the first scan. The type of infection was a particularly nasty one which is quite resistant to antibiotics, but they did give the recommended one. The difficult bit was they knew he was unlikely to survive for quite some time before I popped home. His heart was failing and the treatment for heart failure is the opposite to the treatment for sepsis so he was doomed. She apologised for not making it clear and promised to take it on board so in future people will not berate themselves for taking time out. It won’t give me that time back but I know he wouldn’t blame me. He knew I loved him so me telling him that wouldn’t have been a surprise. I knew he loved me so he didn’t need to say. I now have to just accept that and move on. Hopefully I will sleep tonight without those thoughts going through my head. I will try and think of better times, replace that hateful day with a joyful day.
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My heart goes out to you, I wasn’t with my husband either but only in another room, it must have been sudden but I know how hard it is especially for us having to deal with it. I hope you now get some closure and not blame yourself. Life can deal some rotten cards and we have all experienced it first hand. I hope it helps you sleep tight. I’m exhausted tonight so I’m hoping I get a good sleep without waking up every hour. Take care lovely, sending big hugs xx
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Debsie, if I wrote this already, sorry, but sometimes people wait to die until their loved ones have left the room. I’ve witnessed this a few times. They don’t want their loves to watch them die or beg them to stay.
I hope you got some relief from your consult. Now you know for sure that you could not have changed the outcome and you did nothing wrong. May you find some peace in that knowledge.
Much love.
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Debsie, my husband died an hour after my son and I left visiting him. He was in intensive care but it wasn’t expected so they had to do post mortem which concluded sepsis which wasn’t what he was in hospital for. On that last visit he seemed to want us to go and wouldn’t hold my hand. Lots of people have told me he knew and waited until we left xxx
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Soon, it will be 2 months since my husband died. I am somewhat better mentally since I was able to get the paper work/office/music room/man cave organized. As I accomplish one huge task, I calm down a bit. I hope the same for you all. Each “project” completion lifts some of the anxiety - one less worry for the moment.
The exterior of the house is coming along well. Very subtle changes. Monotone - just how I feel. Calming. Getting rid of visual clutter helps me focus. Likely to take another week or 10 days. I feel a bit captive with all the ladders and painters everywhere. But, who am I kidding? I wasn’t planning to go anywhere anyway.
I have noticed at this 7 week, 2 days point things that seem to add to the emptiness in a weird way :
Run the D/W every 3-4 days instead of everyday or even twice a day.
The paper towel roll has lasted 2 or 3 weeks instead of 2 or 3 days.
3 loads of laundry a week instead of 7-9.
Can carry 3 days of groceries into the house in one trip.
A roll of toilet paper lasts forever.
Do not need 2 kitchen garbage cans. One is sufficient.
The toilet seats are always down.
Inside air is fresher without cigarette smoke.
No breads (we always had great breads) or cookies or deli sandwich makings.
The fridge is empty. To fill it means to throw it all away.
I buy single pieces of fruits and vegetables.
A gallon of milk expires before it is used instead of 7 gallons consumed each week.
The phone is now on the wrong side of the bed.
Everything screams “he’s not here!”. Then my head sighs “and never will be again”.
Much love.
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6 weeks today since he left. Also a very empty fridge. No shoes scattered all over the floor. Garden not looking as good. Cars very grubby. He used to wash them or wipe them down all the time. Very little tidying up to do.
Had the wake yesterday. Quite a few tears when greeting people I hadn’t seen for a long time but not as many as I thought. It was so exhausting. Thought they would never go. Now feeling flat. Like thats it, he is done and dusted, all gone, everyone back to their lives. I see lots of posts about being angry. I’m not angry. Never been angry except the once when I talked to the Doctor. Will I get angry? Its supposed to be one of the phases. Just feel so very very sad.
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It’s very strange in the house, the house feels empty. I had to clean the mirror twice a day, now all I see is his fingerprint on it. I may never clean it again. No jackets on the sofa he sat on, no books or in fact anything on the sofa, no shoes lying about, it’s all very real that he is not here and never coming back. I keep charging his phone, iPad and watch which I can’t stop doing. Maybe I will in time, who knows. Sending hugs to everyone xxx
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4 months today. Everything just feels cold and empty.
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Debsie, I don’t know if you will get angry. There was a moment when I was mad at my husband for leaving me and for leaving all this mess for me. It is probably because I was exhausted and frustrated from the never ending tasks it takes to get to sort out this life alone.
I am sorry. Sorry that you lost your love and sad that you had the wake just yesterday. Yes, everyone goes home and back to their normal lives. They may be sad and may be missing your husband, but they have the comfort of still having their life intact.
Lizzy - clean the mirror and keep charging his electronics. Yes, the emptiness is very vivid and loud. This “never coming back” reality is just horrid. Never is such a long time. When I think of the “never” I get weak and feel the blood drain from my face, so I try to ignore it as much as possible.
Mbg - I know, and I am sorry for you too. I pray that 2 months from now, I will be out of the fog.
Tired of being alone, yet do not want to be around anyone.
I have my list of 5s ready for the day. When they are completed, I will start typing the paperwork for the succession so I can transfer everything into my name. I will also have to prepare a new will for myself.
It’s all so hard.
Much love.
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Yesterday, I walked into my husband’s closet and walked back out. What to do with all his clothes?
Then I thought “what would my husband do if the shoe were on the other foot?”
He would open my closet to all of our female friends to take what they wanted and hire someone to take what was left to a charity.
He would sell all of my jewelry.
He would give my family all heirlooms and personal items.
By realizing how he would handle this, it will be so much easier. He would not give one hoot about my things, they would be meaningless to him.
I may try to follow his lead and not get twisted about his clothes. Today, I will pull 5 things from his closet that can go elsewhere. 5 things should be easy, even if it is only 5 pair of the 200 pair of socks he collected, it is something.
Much love.
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Clothes donated to the homeless. Jackets and warm clothing. My sons has had much of the designer wear. Shoes are just bloody ridiculous!!! I think Richard thought he was a centipede!! He had enough socks and doubles for his 100 feet!! Thankfully he refused to wear jewellery, so that isn’t a problem. I have given some clothes to a local Teddy bear maker. She will make some bears as keepsakes for the family. The rest I need to give away. I don’t want them. I don’t want half of my own clothes, they can go too!! It is just stuff. Hugs everyone
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Same here with the shoes and coats, ridiculous amounts. Warm coats and shoes to homeless. The things I hated went straight in the bin - he would hold onto things that needed throwing years ago. Just doing things a bag at a time to the charity shops so doesn’t feel too dramatic. Same on my clothes too - really don’t need half of them. Also going through general stuff and clearing out. We all have just too much stuff we don’t need or want. Each bag I take out gives me a feeling of achievement.
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I do not want anyone going through my belongings after I am gone. I will sift through my clutter and do with it as I wish. It has been really cathartic! I haven’t really found anything sentimental in Richard’s belongings. He just bought because he could. He was a very well dressed man. The only things I need are our memories and to know he was a very kind and gentle man. He was liked by everone. That is his legacy
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I attacked my closet already. I lost 50 pounds over the last year and therefore whatever is too big, or I just don’t like, is in piles waiting to be hauled to the thrift store this week. I felt brave letting go of these things. Funny how once they are not in the closet anymore, I don’t miss them. No more “I’ll keep it, maybe I’ll wear it one day”. Nope. I won’t.
Mbg - mine did the same and was also a very well-dressed man. Always. I was so proud to be with him when we went out. At home, he wore the same rags over and over. Centipede - yep!
Debsie, it does feel good getting things out of the house, doesn’t it? I feel a tinge of sad for a minute, but once it is gone, I am fine.
I bought a new coffee pot because I didn’t like looking at the old one. I’ve gone mad! Usually, I am the most frugal of people and would NEVER replace something that still worked.
Not a great day here. Sad, tired, bored, filled with anxiety.
Tomorrow is another day. Scarlet O’Hara.
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Catching up on posts having had a difficult week.
New windows in the house, we had decided to do it before and my sister sorted it all, but feel so drained by it.
So sad it’s like a huge hole inside. Sister persuaded me to go away with her and her husband at the end of the month! They are staying in a friend’s villa but it all seems pointless without him, the pain of missing him is terrible and just can’t be bothered with anything !
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I’ve had to push myself to do things I don’t really want to do. I’m going to stay with my sister next weekend, havnt been to her house in years. When I do stay with even my daughter, all I want to do it go back home but when I’m home I want to go away. She is meeting her friend and going for a meal, it’s nice of her to ask me, I’m just scared if I say no, they won’t invite me again so I just go. It gets you out the house, I’d force myself and go. We have to make new memories now, and a new chapter in our life even if we don’t want to. Sending hugs xxx
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Lost and Lizzy, good on both of you for leaving the house for a little reprieve from the SOS at home. It is hard to leave, isn’t it? I panic too and rush to get back home.
Congrats on getting the new windows done. I’ve got painters and having people around makes me so anxious that I can’t wait until the end of their work day. Another 7-10 days! Wah!
Slept 6.5 hours - new record and a bit better than the 4-5 I was getting.
Tomorrow is 8 weeks a widow. Being alone is getting tougher. Probably the realization that this is it, this is the rest of my life, I am alone, my husband will never return and life as I knew it is just a memory. My chest is tight, my face sags and I slouch more than ever.
HATE THIS!!
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