It doesn’t get easier, you have moments, when for just that moment you forget your loss and life is almost normal, then it crashes down on you and pushes your head back under the water, you look around and realise that this is what you have. We all hate this. I am trying to do one positive thing, I have bought a piano and am going to try to learn to play, I have nothing but time now when my working day is done and I find myself staring at the walls with the house in silence.
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Atrum - I too am planning on learning the piano. However at the moment I don’t have time. I have so many things that need doing but the slightest reason for not doing them I grab. So afraid I will run out of things to do and will have nothing but my thoughts. I’m looking at my desk and can see at least 5 admin things to do without the clearing and cleaning. I am about to rake up leaves rather then do those things though and then it will be dark, and then I need to sort out dinner and before I know it another day gone and achieving very little. But getting through each day is an achievement in itself, so a pat on my back and tomorrow another day to get through.
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Atrum, I am planning piano lessons too. I have a piano, took some lessons, but stopped. YouTube has great lessons online, so I will try that before an actual person because I don’t want to go anywhere and don’t want anyone in my house.
You are correct. Nothing is “better”, just repetitive, robotic, numbness and fog.
I thought it would be easier to handle than it is. My husband was unwell for a long time, his diagnosis was bad - 2 inoperable aortic aneurysms - and the prognosis was awful. We were given a life expectancy of 2-5 years.
I fell apart and we lived with that hanging over our heads, but by year 2.5, I was positive that we had more time and the doctors were wrong. In August we learned the one of the aneurysms had more than tripled in size. He died 30 days later.
I had already mentally prepared and planned what I would do when it happened. I even wrote down the steps I would need to take. I thought I was prepared. I wasn’t. No one can prepare for this life after loss.
I was 42, single and expecting to remain single for the rest of my life when I met my husband. He was 48, married twice briefly before. Neither had kids. We both had birthdays, married 4 months after our first date, and made it 26 years. My husband was the only person I could ever live with and the only one who could put up with me. We were born for each other. If we had met earlier, we would have made a family of our own, but everything happens for a reason. We were happy together.
I miss my husband more than I can say, more than I show, more that I let people know. Only my widowed friends get it.
Love.
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Your love for your husband has shown through all of your comments. I remember your first postings. When you said the tears hadn’t come. I was waiting for you to give into your grief. Your a very kind, intelligent lady. You give fabulous advice. Much love to you x
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Wish I could give you a real hug but sending loads of hugs to you. I was only married 11 years but we loved each other so much. This was our second marriage and I don’t think I loved my first husband as much and we were married 32 years. We had such a bond between us and I think that’s what’s making this so painful, I can feel your pain xxx
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You are both so sweet, thank you.
Moving forward. I looked at the piles of clothes from my closet and decided not to ask anyone I know if they wanted them. Just let them go to the nearest thrift store. On trip #6 down the stairs and under the ladders to the vehicle, I asked the painter lady (through very broken English translation) if she wanted to take a look and to take what she wanted. She took everything! Yay!
The men took the three duffle bags from my husband’s collection. Yay! again.
Felt great. Checked off the list.
My contractor sent an electrician to look at all the stuff that needs to be fixed. Nice man. He has the list. Check off mine.
My financial advisor and his young protege’ came over so I could change the beneficiary of some accounts. Check.
Paid 2 bills. Check.
I ran the dishwasher 5 days ago. I had to run it again today. Huge change. Huge.
Much love,
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Today I put Richard’s clothes to good use. I have a photograph of him meeting our grandson for the first time. He was wearing a very nice shirt. I will be using this shirt to have a memory bear made for Thomas.
This evening I went out for a meal to celebrate a friends 13 year old daughters birthday. It was lovely having company.
When I was out my son called at the house and repaired the lock on my door. I hadn’t been able to get it looked at for a week.
Snow is forecast!! I took my dogs out at midnight. It was so cold. When we came in, I put an electric blanket on my bed. So a productive day. Hugs
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Mbg - so gad you had a good time out and I love the teddy bear idea. Our forecast is for more rain. We don’t need it, the yard is soggy and getting torn up by workers and the dog. Fix one thing, wreck another. It never stops.
Snow! Yay! I would love some snow. Last snow was Christmas Day 2004. Magical.
Love.
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That sounds like a good day Mbg. We have a heavy frost this morning. I googled how to put antifreeze in the car yesterday, I’ve never had to do that before, I will have to go into the garage and hunt for it now. I couldn’t even have told you how to open the bonnet. That will be my achievement for today. I’m off to stay overnight at my daughters, it breaks the week up. Have a good day everyone xxx
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Felt very pleased with the start of the day. Two problems got resolved, I managed to sort some admin, and I was feeling quite strong. Then I wrapped my son’s birthday present for tomorrow. I went to write in the card then everything feel to bits. I could not just write ‘from mum’. I had to add + dad. Can’t believe how much that little thing upset me. Unsettled me for the rest of the day. I have 2 more birthdays and Christmas to deal with. I hope I get better at it.
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Gosh it’s all those little things that you forget about, that is going to be strange and hard not to write from both of us. Take care xxx
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Really feel this was my sons. Birthday and just could y send a card. My husband loved cards, I have loads he sent me , just to say he loved me 
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Sending you a huge hug , so hard as the reality of life hits hard x
You have really helped me with your wise advice and hope the support here helps x
I also have a piano I can’t play ! X
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Last christmas I didn’t send xmas cards cause I just couldn’t write them & miss out his name. To be honest I feel the same this yr so not sure if I will or wont xxx
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Made an appointment for my car at the shop. Early thirty. I’m waking before sunrise now, so okay.
Made an appointment with my physician.
Fed the pets twice, one more to go.
Grocery shopping and I bought two white orchids I have wanted forever, but would not splurge. Today, I splurged. I also ordered some leggings and turtleneck tees. I’ve gone mad! Wild widow!
The only phone call I got today was the State Governor’s broadcast conversation with other elected officials about the new tax code. It was great.
Downpour all night and half the day, so no painters. Ahhh. Respite day.
Much love.
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A splurge is sometimes needed! Hope today isn’t too heavy 
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Georgi - send the cards. They aren’t for you, they are to send good wishes and love to friends and family. They will be delighted that you took the time to think of them and address a card to them for the holidays, despite your loss.
I felt so guilty about the splurge for a minute. My husband would have a furrowed brow over me spending $50 on orchids as he would think it is just a waste - “you are going to kill them anyway, you should have left them at the store.” But, now, the deed is done and no one chastised me. If they die, they die.
Painters are here. I didn’t wake early enough to take the car to the shop this am. I’ll try again later. The service department was pushing to get my car in early, but tough. Just deal with me the way I am.
I may have to appear for jury duty tomorrow. I will know this evening after 5pm. The parish (counties in the other 49 states) calls in about 150-200 people at a time. Then we sit in a room until our number is called to go to a court room for voir dire.
Normally, the cases settle or plead out before the number call out, so everyone goes home. But, to drive 20 miles in morning traffic and be in that room by 8am is nearly impossible. Pray there are no trials starting tomorrow. Thankfully, most attorneys and judges will not schedule a Thursday start as the trial could be interrupted by a weekend.
I was served with the jury notice the day my husband died. Police, EMS and 5 friends and family were still here and there was a unanimous “damn!” response.
Today, I will do the succession papers and attack our sock collections. Hour at a time.
Much love.
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Is there no option to opt out on the jury duty, that’s so hard x
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Yip I actually bought some cards today and will be sending them, you’re right by what you said. I hope you get released from jury duty, you definitely don’t need that right now and thanks for the advice, take care xxx
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Yes I thought same, maybe in circumstances she could be exempt xxx
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