Two weeks of widowhood.

Losing a partner
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There are no trials starting tomorrow, so no jury duty. Yay! Whew! Yes, there are exemptions but, “my husband just died” isn’t one of them. Who knows? It may have entertained me for days and kept my mind off of my own life.

Haven’t left the house but for getting mail. Of course, another bill! House insurance. Wanna know how high it is here? “Giraffe nuts high” as my husband would say. I am freaking out.

Getting a panicky feeling that only comes from having zero clue about our finances. My husband kept it all very close to his chest, handled it well and was quite brilliant with it all. He liked doing it.

It’s the orchids. “Splurge and see? Told ya’ so”. This is a direct message from my husband.

Had an almost happy day anyway cleaning, dancing to some music, and singing to the pets. Very slowly, everything is going into it’s place. Every little thing. So overwhelmed by the evening.

Onlyme posted about the before and after. I wish my husband was here to see how the dog and the elderly, blind, cat are finally coming to terms with each other. He would love it. They both adored him.

I’m okay. Not better. Not worse. Just okay.

It feels like Groundhog Day, the movie. Stuck in a time warp of some kind.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Much love. So damn sorry for us all.

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I’ve lost my motivation and I am fearful tonight. The bills are paid, everybody ate, The painters were here from 7a to 5p, did a load of laundry, and I feel impending doom tonight. What is this? What did I not do that is giving me this feeling? That is my thought - guilt over something and I don’t even know what it is. This can’t last. My list is checked off.

Salon tomorrow. Roots.

Sunday I am going to my friend’s house for a Thanksgiving meal together. Big family I’ve known my whole life. Thanksgiving is on Thursday, but this way all the adults can have their own dinners then.

On Thanksgiving Day, I will have brunch at my brother’s house and will get to see some nieces, nephews and my sweet sister-in-law.

TWO plans to be with people in a social setting and not in my house. I think this is a huge leap and I think I am ready. It will be 9 weeks.

Today sucked and tonight is even suckier.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, the sun will come out tomorrow.

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What the f is this awful fear that washes over us. This niggle/worry! It starts in the pit of my stomach and sets my brain racing. I seem to worry over nothing!

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Mbg, I don’t know. Feeling guilty (maybe because I have procrastinated on the succession work) and scared that I’ve done something wrong somewhere that I don’t know about yet.

I am now afraid to walk out into my front yard after dark? This isn’t me! Who am I?

Much love.

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The fear is terrible. I have always been confidant and independent, I have had a number of other significant loses but this is pain I didn’t think possible. I have a constant feeling that something else terrible is going to happen !
Hoping we all find some strength form knowing the fear is a normal part of this terrible journey xxx

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It is an awful time for you. I lost my dearest husband 8 weeks ago and feel like I have a huge raw wound which will not heal

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7 weeks ago today I thought everything was going so well. David was making remarkable recovery from his op 7 weeks previously and we were making exciting plans. These last weeks have really gone by in a blur. I can barely remember who I used to be. However I am coping so much better then I ever believed I would. I am eating ok, gettting things done and organised, learning about gardening and cars. A friend came out to check the car battery and confirms it needs a new one. I am sorting that out but felt guilty as the cars hadn’t been washed in 7 weeks and were looking grubby. So sponged them down whilst still wet, at least they look a bit better if not up to Davids standards. I can call people up to sort things out without crying. The condolences they all say at the beginning I just bat away now. My biggest downfall is I was never a confident driver. I am now going to really have to be brave and work on that. Try and go somewhere once a week, a bit further then the supermarket. Its hard when all you really want to do is hide away from the world. But I have survived nearly 7 weeks, I am proud of what I have achieved and coped with. I find it easier to accept the bad days then the good. I feel guilty if I have a day when only a few tears flow. I am so very afraid though that at some point I will crumble. I have held myself together too well and think at some point it will just burst open. If it does I know I can come to this website and get some support. Thank you all for being here sharing your stories, it has really helped.

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You are doing really well. I am also not a confident driver, I seem to cry the minute I go into the car. My eyes are not great atm, so only doing supermarket journeys. I felt proud of myself as I googled how to put antifreeze in the car. I didn’t even know how to open the bonnet. Job done and like you I need to push myself but will wait till the hospital checks my eyes in a few weeks. I might change to a smaller car as my husband loved big cars and with us staying in the country, he kept saying I was safer in a big car. I don’t think I’ve ever to petrol in the car either which is awful but he always did it. I’m trying to find things about the house like turning the water off just in case I need to, still havnt found it. But working on it.
I’m lighting and managing my multi burner a lot better, he would be proud of me but I really miss him so much, he really did look after me, he was such a gentleman, wouldnt let me walk on the outside of the pavement, he was very protective. I’m also 7 weeks in xxx

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Your right about the groundhog day, thats my life exactly every day the same and every day missing him xxx

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I am same wont go to bin outside once its dark and when my husband was in the house I never gave it a second thought, strange how the mind works xxx

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I am not the same person. I am not me!! This grief and pain is indescribable

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Purging late last night. Manic/panic.

The alarm system was acting up, fixed it. All by myself.

Got lost going to the salon. It is the furthest solo trip in 8 weeks. Didn’t cry.

Could not find the downtown post office, so I came home and went to sleep.

Another bill. They don’t stop, do they?

I feel like I am stuck in mud, plodding forward with lots of effort and very heavy boots. I should have more things done and be on top of more things. But, I am not. This frustration just adds to my feeling of fear and panic.

Feeling so overwhelmed. An avalanche of responsibility. An avalanche of things.

How are you all getting along? Is anything better? Easier? There must be some forward momentum somewhere. Right?

Need a hug or 10.

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I wish I could shut my brain off. In the evening I want to sit down and watch TV. A simple film or drama. Think about nothing. It doesn’t happen. My brain jumps from one problem to another. The weather is awful, it’s so cold and miserable. I am paranoid about frozen pipes. I am paranoid about everything.

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Hi, I’m also worried about frozen pipes, we have an outside pipe which burst a few years ago and I know he disconnected it last year but I’ve no idea what he did . Its wrapped up with this insulation stuff and I know the stopcock is in a really stupid place after we got a new bathroom put in, I think it’s at the bottom of toilet but it’s all enclosed in. I’ve no idea how to open it as it’s all sealed in. I’ve been looking at it for days now, still no idea without recking my toilet, it’s all these little things that worry me. Yes and the bills keep coming in, the Ring doorbell subscription is due in December. The standing order won’t go through. Do I let it run out then just open it in a new account? I couldn’t put my alarm on tonight, my phone wouldn’t let me, no idea why. No wonder we can’t sleep, all these little things keep going round and round in your head. Hugs to all xxxxxx

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Hi, I thought I was beginning to feel a little bit better then somthing happens then I’m back to this doom feeling. Yes the bills keep coming, it’s so overwhelming. I wish winter was over. I’ve usually got all my Xmas shopping done but I’ve got nothing. Need to do an online shop as the roads are icy and don’t like driving. I feel trapped where I live, my hair needs doing but still don’t fancy walking into my hairdresser. Cut my fringe myself the other day, honestly! I need to give myself a shake. On the other hand my cupboards are so tidy, I’ve cleaned every one of them. The house is so clean but also missing somthing special. Tv is all so happy with Xmas things and I’m not. Is there a button to press sumwhere to turn on a happy button, I only wish there were. We just plod on, maybe it will be this week, a little bit of happiness please, it’s not much to ask. Xxx

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@PeachesDixon Here’s a hug!
Slow down, take a breath.
It doesn’t all have to be fixed today. It really doesn’t, but I get that that may be your coping mechanism.
Most things do get a little easier with time. I can’t say the loss always feels easier, it’s still there, looming large at the most unexpected moment, but other things in life come along and have a way of holding us up… there are moments of joy in the little things.
X

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@Lizzy28
I have the same thing with a Google home subscription and a door cam. He set up the subscription and I haven’t found out how to take it over yet. It’s just a huge obstacle course of all these little problems all the time which remind you how life was before. I try and take each little win, but the list doesn’t seem to go down.

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@PeachesDixon
Hugs to you.
You are doing great! Well done for sorting the alarm.
Wading thru mud is so right. And no-one gives you credit for all that stuff suddenly dropped on you. And for the time it takes up.
Celebrate small wins and leave the rest for another day.

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I think we all need to manage expectations. A few years ago someone asked my husband and I the secret of a happy marriage. My husband came back with low expectations. After laughing I thought about it and he had a point. I never expected to find and marry such a lovely man. I never expect things to go well, always waiting for axe to fall, but looking back I had a good life until now. I never expected to cope as a widow, always telling my husband he couldn’t go first. I’m therefore amazed at what I have done. Yes every time you sort one thing out there seems to be another. Paperwork is endless, but look behind you at what you have achieved and not on what is to come. Although you now have me worrying about pipes bursting, but I will sort it and I won’t need to worry about that again. We won’t get everything right, so don’t expect to get everything right. My biggest problem in the first weeks was bumping into people who didn’t know and having to explain where David was. Really couldn’t cope with that. That problem has all but disappeared. We will get better at these things. Be kind to yourselves, I think you have all done fantastically well. Keep your expectations low then you won’t be disappointed if things go wrong. We need to expect to feel sad, we need to expect to cry. And if you do mess up, or not have the strength to tackle paperwork no one will die because of your actions or lack of them. We now all know that is all that matters. Weather is horrible today. I feel like hiding away and licking my wounds, but I know me, I won’t be able to sit still that long. Need to find the outside tap insulator that I know my husband has somewhere amongst all that garage stuff. Now you have pointed out another problem I hadn’t thought of. Lol thanks for that!

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Lizzy, I am only giving gifts to my 4 great nieces and nephews whom are all under 8 years of age and I bought it all online. I may miss the holiday shopping experience, but I wasn’t sure I would be ready for the mall in time.

Make the hair appointment. You will be able to walk into the salon and new hair always makes us feel better. If I did it without crying, you can too; I am sure of it. I am envious that your house and cupboards are clean. I am trying.

My phone, our tv service, our alarm system, the utilities are all in my husband’s and have to be changed. Maybe next year. I just don’t want to stir up that hornet’s nest of trouble at the moment.

Diva - thank you, but the anxiety screams that it must be done NOW. And, I just can’t get it done. I have a friend coming in for a couple of days and hope she will spur me on and maybe help me purge for a minute or 2. Yes, there are moments of “sort of” happiness or at least pleasant surprises. During a purge, I found silverware I forgot we had and a bank bag with $300 in it. ???

Sarie thanks for the hug. The sudden, unexpected things really throw me off my game for a while. Get lost in the city? Go home and sleep. This is not me.

Debsie, thanks for your practical advice. Low expectations. I will try to lower my expectations of myself. It is hard. I have to be satisfied with getting 5 things done each day and not expecting to get it all done TODAY! But, I want it all done NOW.

Wanting and getting are 2 different things.

The electrician that came is a nice guy and then hit me with a quote that is out of the question - ridiculous. I don’t think he was listening to me at all. And, I know that when people show up here, they assume I am both rich and stupid. I am neither. Rich and stupid never go together anyway. Taking advantage of the new widow? Probably. He isn’t getting this job unless he comes back to reality.

Making my list. I really want to have no list today, but . . . I can do 5 things. Right?

Much love to all.

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