Hi, Phenergan makes me sleepy as well, I’m trying hard not to go to the doctors, I think I’m coping on and off. I have been on the edge a few times but after crying my eyes out I feel better. I was good at the hairdresser today, the reason I couldn’t go before was it’s a small town and everyone knows what happened. She did ask me what happened and I told her without breaking down. I look on the positive side that if they brought him back I think he was starved of oxygen too long and would have affected his brain and honestly he would have hated it. He used to say that to me, so back in house and sitting with my fire blazing, xmas tree on and it’s cosy. Outside it’s poring with rain and the wind is getting worst. I will have a wee whisky later. Take care xxxx
I know the feeling of having the first meet with people. But now next time you won’t have that anxiety. I had a good day. It makes me feel guilty. Had a fabulous walk, and I saw a tree full of mistletoe. No one to point it out to so just pretended David was with me and had a conversation in my head. When I got home I cleaned the gutters out on the conservatory. I’m not good with heights but managed not to fall off. Won’t be up to David’s standards but that’s his fault for leaving me. Nearly fell down stairs later though. I don’t understand why I can have a good day like today and tomorrow could be awful. When they say rollercoaster they weren’t kidding. Enjoy your cozy evening.
I still can not believe that my husband is gone. It just does not seem real or even possible. I hate this. I miss him so much. Every minute of the day.
Tried to print some things, no ink. Of course. Ran 5 errands, rushed home. Going to my friends’ house for a light meal later. I am going to go wherever someone invites me, whether I feel like it or not. I think it is the only way to return to life.
The paperwork is killing me slowly. It will wait until tomorrow.
Lizzy, I am so happy for you and, if I may be - proud too! Get that pretty, sparkly dress on, that new “do” going, and have a great time dancing with the girls! Girls are more fun to dance with anyway.
If you can find a Neti-pot nasal wash, get one. They are great and clear all the gunk out of your sinuses. I use mine when clogged up. Miracle.
Debsie, we already discussed this - no falling! We have no one to pick us up. No more ladders, get a young man to do that. I am so glad you had a good day. I am having them too. Isn’t it a nice break from misery?
The painters are going to start having to pay rent if they stay much longer. They have to leave! I need some privacy here.
Much love.
Well it’s been a strange day, glad I went to hairdresser even if I was interrogated a bit, I coped. No doubt the whole town will know what exactly happened now. My old work colleague
Has been texting me all night, she is going through a divorce so we bounced off each other. She agrees, Scottish Law just sucks. On my second whisky now, medicinal of course. I do feel a bit better, I could use my darling husbands nebuliser but I couldn’t. It was removed the day I came home after he died. I should bin it as I will never be able to use it. I think that was the last thing I said to him before he died. “Did you use your nebuliser” he didn’t answer me so I guessed it was a no.
For the first time ever I’m happy to be in my cosy room with the fire on and the Xmas tree up. Texting my dearest friend who got me through a horrible divorce helped me a lot tonight, I’m not even going to keep clearing out any more till after New Year. Taking a break for the holidays. Still shudder looking at my emails in case it’s from my lawyer, but it can’t get any worse now, I’m going to lose a lot of money but hey atm I’ve got my health. Take care everyone xxx🤗
Im the same, 36 years on night duty messed up my sleeping pattern, gotten worse since losing my husband. I was awake till 6 am this morning, reading my kindle , and tossing & turning ! I am on Nortriptyline at night for migraines its supposed to make you sleepy hence taking it at night, sometimes works, sometimes not !!! I didn’t nap during the day went shopping etc so hopefully I will get some sleep 2nt xx
Hi Georgi, I was awake most of the night, choked up with this cold. When I looked at the clock and it was only 1.30am I sighed, going to be a long night, I read my book on my iPad and must have fell asleep for another hour or so, got up made a hot choc and was still wakened at 6am. I am getting tired now but going to try and stay up a bit longer. What must it be like to have a good nights sleep? I just don’t know anymore. Take care xx
Thing is I’m not even tired and I sure should be, but years of surviving on very little sleep has accustomed my body to just get on with it !
It’s annoying though when you have things to do and you know you may struggle ! What a life eh, not enough we have to live without our husband’s , there seems to be always some other issue causing us stress !
Thats my moan over for tonight, fingers crossed we both get to sleep tonight xxx
Lizzy I really hope you get a sleep tonight your cold will last all the longer without a good nights sleep, a hot toddy some would recommend!
Hope your feeling better tomorrow xxx
Oh, Lizzy, I am just doubly happy for you. You walked into the salon, faced the enquiries, survived it, and walked out with new hair! Marvelous! Enjoy that cozy fire, the warm whiskey and the Christmas tree. You did so well!
So what if the whole town knows what happened? Now, they can stop speculating.
Isn’t it wonderful to chat with an old friend who has known you forever and been through all the highs and lows? I am so glad your friend reached out to you and am delighted you are having a happy evening, content in your nest. Yes, I am taking off from the maniacal clearing out until next year too. Good decision.
Don’t look at the emails until Monday, your lawyer isn’t going to be around and can’t do anything for you until then anyway.
Better days. Wow! Most of us have now had good days and I hope it encourages others to know that yes, there will be good days again. Just know that the first outing is the hardest, then it gets easier.
Tonight, I drove the big SUV after dark to and from my friends’ home. HUGE milestone at 10 weeks, 3 days. I left without my scarf and spilled my take home in the driveway, but it’s a start.
Georgi, I was born an owl. I love being up all night, always have. Since retirement, usually to bed after 3am. Now, I am knocked out at 11p and waking before sunrise. This widowhood has me upside down.
If y’all aren’t getting enough sleep, please call your physician for some sleep aid. It is crucial to get good sleep. We are wrecked enough, we don’t need to be sleep deprived too. Better living through chemistry.
Much love.
Georgi, well I finally slept till 6am, first time in a long time, maybe I should drink whisky every night, it’s not my usual tipple but my husband loved it and we have loads of bottles in cupboard. Hope you managed a few hours xxx
Peaches, thank you for all the encouragement, well done for driving in the dark, I can’t do that, can’t see well at night so I’m trapped here at night, the car is something I have to get over, I havnt driven far at all, I just start crying and can’t concentrate so that’s for another day. Today is 9 weeks today, I usually have to go a walk, I can’t be in the house as I relive the whole senario every time I stay in. Can I overcome this fear and stay in today. The weather is awful here, storm is brewing so maybe today. I can’t believe it’s been 9 weeks of sheer pain and hell. Take care, hope our good days keep happening xxx🤗
Lizzy, I couldn’t drive more than a mile for 3 weeks as I couldn’t concentrate on the art of operating a vehicle. I didn’t trust myself. But, my hairdresser is in the city, so I had to pull up my frayed bootstraps and venture into unknown territory. Got lost for a minute (in my own city no less) but it forced me to break out of my bubble of comfort.
Every little step brings me closer to my new and unwanted independence.
How is your head cold?
Much love.
Hi Peaches, my cold just the same, I should have went out a walk this morning but the weather was awful. I coped with the morning but staying in again is now getting me down. Only so many Xmas movies I can watch. Is it too early for a glass of wine?. I did fall asleep for a few hours, hadn’t a clue where I was when I woke up. Then the postman came, brought me Xmas card from my husbands cousin in Ireland, she doesn’t know and strangely she wrote in it. Enjoy every minute. Strange thing to write but every year we ask her for her email address and she never answers so we don’t know if she gets the Xmas card. I now wonder how many other people I havnt told. I will need to work my way through the car as ive never liked driving so it’s going to be difficult. Dark country small roads don’t agree with me so that’s my problem. Baby steps on that one. I will get up in the morning and go somewhere on the bus that only comes every two hours, but needs must. Have a good evening xxx
Hi Lizzy, yes It was a bit better last night thankfully, slow start but did asleep all night!
Had my daughter and granddaughter round this afternoon for a visit and stayed for supper so hopefully will get a sleep tonight too, having company works miracles, and cooking for others works miracles and makes you feel normal again, they just left at 9.30 xx
Take care everyone and roll on January xx
Georgi, glad you had a good night, having company really helps, I am missing talking to a real person tonight, weekends are so hard for me, yes I get texts but not actually spoke to anyone for days. I will go out tomorrow as I need to get out the house even if it’s for a coffee. Hopefully my cold will be a bit better, I slept for a few hours this afternoon so hope I get to sleep tonight. Take care 
xx
Lizzy I’m with you on the driving. I’ve always avoided it and get so anxious worrying about parking etc. luckily not many narrow roads around here but I avoid the ones that are. I try to be braver because I feel it is this that holds me back. I consider maybe going away for a few days but would need to drive to places I don’t know. After Christmas I am going to drive to my youngest sons for a stay which I think I can manage. It’s only 1hr 20 mins by car but 3.5 hours by train. He doesn’t drive and I need to take some things his dad wanted him to have. There is no reason why I can’t do it and it’s a lovely part of the country and I know I will enjoy getting away. I don’t understand how everyone else seems to manage and it terrifies me. My first driving lesson in 1976 my thoughts were I could kill somebody and I don’t think I’ve changed my mind on that in nearly 50 years. I have no spacial awareness and poor observation skills but I’m determined to try and beat this. I need to improve my confidence. I’ve got to be brave or I will have no life. I won’t drive far at night though if at all. If only I could win the lottery and have a chauffeur.
Omg Debsie, that could be me writing what you have just written. My daughter said I should get a few lessons, but that’s not going to happen. I had my first lesson in 1975, I hated it. I passed on my second test but honestly I’ve always hated driving. I would be ok if the roads had street lights but it’s mostly country roads and having cataracts in my eyes, they are not as sharp as they should be. I can go to supermarket ok, it’s only 10 mins away or go to railway station and get a train. I’ve always thought that I must have been in a bad accident in a previous life, I don’t even like being a passenger in a car. My parking is not too bad but it’s a big car I need a big space. My daughter only stays half an hour away but it’s a dark country road, not the best and I really hate driving. It was ok if my husband was in the car, I felt safer with him in car, he lost his license due to medical reasons so I used to drive, maybe that’s why I cry the minute I get in the car, because he is not sitting beside me. It’s also a waste of money having the car if I don’t use it. Maybe if I get a smaller car it would be better, with our roads being the way they are my husband said big cars are safer. Maybe when weather is better,I will start driving over to my daughters but atm it’s stress I don’t need. I just worry when it’s time to get back in car. Take care xx
It took 3 weeks before I could drive to the grocery store a mile away with only one stop sign in a 25mph zone and I drove all the time everywhere - even across the country - by myself, using paper maps. But, I had focus. Not so much now.
Take your time and start with little trips and practice parking. Travel when traffic is light because everyone is at work or on Sundays, fuel up, get the tires checked, and drive the speed limit. You can do this. It just takes time to get comfortable with it.
If you haven’t driven in 50 years, take the trains and taxis. We don’t have to learn to fly a 737 to travel abroad, do we? No. The point is to get away and refresh a bit.
“Take every opportunity to escape for a happy minute” is my new motto. We’ll see how long that lasts.
Much love.
What the heck? Maniacal cleaning is back. It started with me setting the alarm for one hour of purging my closet more. Another massive pile of clothes.
Then, to the kitchen. While doing laundry and putting up another Christmas tree and more decorations, I scrubbed the kitchen from top to bottom and the pantry got a good swipe too.
I put Christmas music on while I fiddled and fussed, danced around, enjoyed myself, then got sadder than sad. Such a rollercoaster. I found a lighted, musical snow globe in the boxes and put it at the fireplace hearth where my husband died and play it for him. I miss him. A lot.
Hope all is well with you all.
Much love.
It truly is a rollercoaster, I too sometimes dance or sing to music. Even felt Christmassy a couple of times, but it seems our thoughts can’t stray away for long from our loss. Hoping today I will get the Tree trimmed. Its standing there at the moment like a ghoul at a feast. I have a Christmas card that I haven’t felt able to open yet. They have address it to me & family, which is a nice way to not sound so alone. Maybe later after I have done the tree. I am the person that have decorations going back decades. I can remember where most of them where bought or who bought them for me. Its going to stir a lot of memories up.