It certainly is a roller coaster and it’s something I never go on, wish I could get off this one. I’m waking up with very strange dreams but my husband is never in them. I’ve only got two Xmas cards, one from a neighbour just with my name on it. I’m glad all my friends decided not to send any this year. The post is dearer than the cards now. I actually hate writing cards, my husband still wrote them to the neighbours and his friends. I’ve sent a few special ones with funky pigeon, but that’s my lot. Can’t seem to motivate myself this morning but I will have to sort the fire and go for bread, we have a heavy frost this morning so I’m hoping the fresh air will clear my head and sinuses. Did order a few Christmas presents online yesterday, only a few left to buy, finding it a real chore to do, my hearts not in it. Need to give myself a shake today, take care everyone and hopefully it’s a good day xx🤗
Honestly, I just wonder at people! My husbands closest friend came round this morning to give me our house key back, eh! He always came round to pick up our Mail when we were away etc. why would he do that, am I not still his friend as well, I asked him if he would keep it just in case. It doesn’t take much to upset me but that certainly did. I can’t believe he came round to do that. After my sobbing, I need to go and walk this out of me, hope I don’t meet anyone. How to stick the knife in, was that really necessary, Then he told me they were going to a local panto, if that was me I would have invited them, am I now an outcast to everyone as well. I was upset that they didn’t come to the tea after the funeral as they were both very close to my husband. That’s another thing he would be upset with them for. You really know who your friends are when this awful thing happens to you. Rant over, hugs to everyone 
xx
Sorry you had to put up with that. Some people just have no idea until it happens to them. On the flip side if there are friends of your husbands you didn’t like you can cease contact with them lol. I hope your walk got some of the agression out of your system. A friend of mine bought me a damit doll. Its just a stuffed figure that you can smash against a wall to get your anger out. I’ve not needed it yet but I think this would be a case for it. I was clearing out some books and there were two motorcyle books that my husband has had since before I met him even though I have never seen him look at them. He was obsessed with mortorbikes and I considered keeping them until I saw one was inscribed from a woman I detested. That is going as soon as I can.
Hi Debsie, I could have done with that doll, it really ruined my day, been down all day, a crying kinda day, I did go out but it didn’t really help much. Not had a day like this for a while but here it is. I wonder if his wife told him to give the key back, it’s a strange one as they were the only friends we went out with to Xmas dances etc, till recently, but she stopped going out much, becoming quite reclusive in my mind. I think they were jealous because we went out for lunches, and went to the pub a lot. My husband was determined to enjoy his life after being told his cancer could come back within two years. It’s me that suffering now as we did everything together, can you love someone too much and it’s
making this so hard to cope with. Tomorrow another day, I’m up early for an appointment, maybe a walk round the shops will help me, will go for a coffee and look normal. I just can’t see an end to this atm. Take care xx
Thats just awful, why would they even do that, thats just down right nasty in my eyes!
People like that you do not need in your life thats for sure, look at it as a lucky escape, they are the ones losing out !
Georgi, my daughter says I’m overthinking it but my gut is saying something else. Friends in this town are in short supply, I’m sad that they have done this. I can’t wait to move if I can now afford to and it’s going to take months or best part of year to sort out my legal problems. I’m just having an extremely bad day, been crying all day, my face is swollen and I look a real mess. I thought I was doing quite well and then it all tumbles again. Glad I’m going out tomorrow and staying with a friend at weekend as I’m going out with my real friends, I just wish I was back home beside them all the time. I know I could go and see any one of them if I was feeling low like today. Please let the next few months go in quickly. I’m hanging by a thread. Take care xx
I have only got 1 card, I assume thats because I didn’t send last year, but I did say I wasn’t up to writing cards and missing his name off them, but clearly folks are not bothering to send me this yr, bit harsh I thought! I normally get a few by now ! My circle grows smaller & smaller !
Hang in there and it will all come together and you will be with your real friends, try not to let it all get to you and keep a positive mind, says me for myself always negative but for others always positive, whats that all about ! You can do it xx
I really hope so Georgi, that’s me been wakened for ages, it’s now 3.55am, hope I can get back to sleep again, at least I didn’t have a bad dream like yesterday, it was so vivid, I actually googled it and it said grief would cause this type of dream. I’m only sending a few cards to people who always send them and two of them I had to write a wee note to tell them my lovely husband has passed. Going to make a hot choc, read my book and hopefully go back to sleep. Take care xxx
Lizzy, I am sorry that your husband’s buddy upset you. He surely didn’t mean to do so. Perhaps he thought it inappropriate to have a key to your home now that your husband is gone, like he lost that privilege or having a key to a single woman’s house seemed untoward. (is that the word?) I dunno.
People do not know how to react, they are afraid to disturb us during our mourning, they do not want to intrude, they don’t know what to say, they want to help but do not know how and sometimes, they come to cry with us. Forgive him and his wife and let i go. We’ve bigger fish to fry.
Yes, they could have, and should have, invited you along to the panto. What is a panto by the way?
Still raining here. Good day for paperwork and my “to do” list.
Sorted my closet again, have a stack of slacks, shirts, and sweaters (I think y’all call them jumpers) to go somewhere else. I am hoping that by getting rid of my things will help when I get to my husband’s closet.
Still can’t wrap my head around the idea that he is never coming home and can’t think of it or I collapse internally.
Much love.
Peaches, I was a bit worried about you, you weren’t on yesterday, although you are on a different time zone to some of us. Glad you are ok. A Pantomime is probably a British thing. It only happens at Christmas time, it’s a bit of a silly theatre show that involves a lot of audience participation for all the family. They are good fun I went to one a few weeks ago with my daughters family, it’s usually Cinderella or Peter Pan or Beauty and the Beast etc. Anyway I’m feeling better today again, you just don’t know what kind of day is going to bring you. I went and done some Xmas shopping today, absolutely freezing here but I enjoyed it. I defo have to get out the house every day, it’s when I stay in, it just hits me. I’ve got the fire blazing, candles lit and tree lights are sparkling. It keeps my mood up but I really miss my hubby as well. Feel better that I’ve actually got some Xmas shopping done. Take care🤗 xx
I’ve just read your post and i can totally relate to how you feel. It’s such a ridiculously hard time but you wrote it down exactly how i feel. I’m so sorry for your loss
Peaches you would love a pantomime we used to go regularly, great family fun in a theatre where men dress the parts of woman and vice versa, humour is risky but only adults understand that part, kids just love them too, been a couple of yrs since we have been xxx
I lost my husband 1/5/23 and I’ve got no intentions of clearing his clothes, there is no timescale for these things but having a spare room his clothes were in there anyway no room in main bedroom for both, I’m a hoarder of my clothes and my husband loved buying clothes, jackets and teeshirts especially all designer so one wardrobe is never big enough for both of us, anyway my point is because its in a spare room its not in my way so I don’t feel the need to dispose of them, not yet anyway, it brings me comfort to go in there!
Our grandson whose 19 has taken a couple of jackets and t-shirts and a couple of pairs of trainers xx
Don’t be rushed into it is what I am saying xxx
Hi Asters, I’m sorry for your loss as well, until you have been through this you don’t know just how hard it is . I seem to have a constant headache with the stress, I’m up and down like a yo yo just now, you never know what tomorrow will be like. Take care xx
Georgi, I saw Beauty and the Beastie in Glasgow last weekend, it was still at the start of the season and the mistakes were even funnier than the show, I really needed that release, I didn’t think I’d ever laugh again, had a very large glass of wine beforehand which might have helped as well 
xx
Georgi, there is no rules in this grieving process, everyone deals with it differently. I went mad at the beginning, I got rid of all his medical stuff and there was a lot, chemist wouldn’t take any of it back so I binned everything, I wanted to remember him before his cancer. I did also put stuff into clothes banks and sold stuff on Vinted, Our charity shop wasn’t taking anything so it kept me busy and I think he would have done the same. There is still a lot to clear but I’m having a break and have calmed down a lot. He lost so much weight that he had to buy a new wardrobe so he had a lot but also a lot he couldn’t wear anymore. It was all the bigger stuff I got rid of. You will do it when you are ready. I don’t actually remember doing it at the beginning, I think I was numb and in shock. Take care xxx
Very happy with my little self at the moment. It rained hard all day, so I didn’t leave the house. But, I got so much done! Finally getting a handle on the dust that has accumulated since my husband died, my closet is taking shape, the dining room table is cleared and polished, with Christmas candles.
It is starting to look like my home as I move things, remove things and toss things. Lots more to do, but progress was made today.
Defrosted all the frost bitten meat. The dog is happy I did.
Today is 11 weeks. Yes, things get better. Not all the time, not everyday, but things get better step by step and living hour by hour is the only way to do this. For me.
Nothing can take away the emptiness of my life now, or the heavy sorrow that is deep in my chest, but I am getting better at functioning.
I hope you are all getting on a bit better too.
Those pantos sound delightful.
Much love.
Peaches, this is so good to hear. I hope my day goes like yours today. I have to stay in for another delivery again. Our weather is freezing and very foggy outside, it’s only -3 degrees again, I might have to clear another cupboard to keep me busy. Need to go out early and post a letter first thing this morning, I can’t miss this delivery. Yesterday I came home to an Amazon parcel sitting outside my door, I’m glad it wasn’t raining as it would have been ruined, I left instructions to put it in the shed at the side of my house as well, but I have to sign for this one. Only a few more presents to buy for thank goodness but I’m stuck trying to think what to buy. I hope everyone has a good day today, we can only live in hope. Take care xx
Peaches, I’m pleased to hear the positivity in your post. I was a little worried as your previous posts sounded like you were struggling. Looking back for me I can see how far I have come. I have overcome obstacles and muddled my way through with no disasters. It seems I can cope much better then I ever believed I could. I not sure that I have truly accepted whats happened. As he wasn’t ill and it was totally unexpected I can’t quite believe he has gone. And yes that emptiness that seems to sit in the very centre of your being. I went out with a couple of friends last night, I was anxious but it was nice. Have a few more social events before Christmas which I’m not in the mood for but will force myself.
Lizzy I hope your parcel comes early so you can maybe get out and get some fresh air. Staying in always drove me crazy before all this, if I can’t have a walk it would have to be a trip to the shops.
My husband was not that bothered about how he looked so clearing his clothes is not too hard. I am only doing it a few at a time and there are some things I am keeping for now. That is my mantra for most of his stuff. Just clear some and later you can clear more. Next year I will list some of the more expensive stuff which to be honest just sat in a cupboard anyway. Its the things he used a lot which I hold onto for now, and a couple of bits of clothing that I think really suited him and made my heart flip even after 45 years. Also some t shirts bought at gigs or Glastonbury as they are great memories for me to hold on to.
I hope you all can see how far you have come. Don’t look at how far there is to go. We all have to travel this long and winding road. Its hard alone but just look at your feet instead of ahead, and take it step by step for now.