Not much still very low and alone xx
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Lizzy you do so well to go off and go shopping on your own i still don’t really have the confidence to do much on my own i go food shopping but when i go to ready meals for one it always upsets me .I have been gardening i really can’t face sitting out on my own we always sat out together my daughter and family coming to dinner so i look forward to that x
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Thankyou Barbarap I’m so sorry you are going through this too and yes it is so painful doing all these things alone and i pretty much live on sandwiches at the minute - I only cook when family/close friends are here. At first they practically moved in and I selfishly just wanted to be on my own, now we have a weekly dinner together and usually a day out at the weekend which I can cope with. I have friends that live about 80 miles away and they invite me to visit every single week and so far I just can’t bring myself to visit but soon I hope. I am looking at returning to work - they have been beyond fantastic and I have been able to dip in and out remotely. They said they have no expectations from me and will be guided by me. So sorry that everyone is going through this too - I had no idea this site existed - I stumbled over it after Nick died - I think I was hoping for something that would make everything better ( unrealistically) I was shocked at how many people are suffering and sometimes their sadness overwhelmed me and I had to stop reading. It has also been a lifesaver some days so again thankyou. I still have everything exactly where he left it, his toothbrush is still in the bathroom, his wallet on the dresser. I tried to send some of his newer clothes that were in another wardrobe to charity but ended up taking it all out of the bag and putting a load of my clothes in the bag instead. xx
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Tissue, I only cleared out Mary’s bedside cabinet last week, and my girls dealt with all the toiletries and other bathroom things whilst I was here in February. The main things I did were to remove 99% of religious objects when I was so angry one day, and to get all the bedding out of drawers as I didn’t actually know where Mary kept what. (She was very particular with the bed and I was only let loose on turning the mattress) 
Everyone here knows how much I found I think, as we’ve laughed about the amount of different things I have to handle. But it is still not all sorted and put away yet. Getting angry was certainly grief related as I never normally get angry at anything as I’m far more laid back that that,
I found family a little too much at first too - so I don’t think it was selfish to want time on your own. The trouble is they are trying to help but don’t always know what we actually want.
What a wonderful firm you work for. They sound like they are doing things right for you.
I also came across this site only after the funeral - probably due to looking up things like what to do in this situation. Search engines are very good at tracking what you’ve done previously, and tailoring advertising to suit that. I keep getting adverts from eBay, on the MSN site, about Jacques Vert outfits as I was checking values of one Mary has. It’s definitely a spring or autumn outfit and would be good to sell now. Too good for charity imho. Other than two ‘posh’ outfits and a few bits and pieces my daughters asked for, all the clothes remain in the wardrobes. They’ll get dealt with in time. No real rush!
Take care. Nigel xxxx
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Barbarap,
I couldn’t go and sit and have my lunch outside. I’m sitting in my porch roasting away instead.
At the beginning this house made me so sad and I had to get out, I jumped on a bus nearly every day and sat in a coffee shop with tears in my eyes. I used to stare at people wondering why they were alone. It was my way of coping. Coming back into the house was so hard. I had to have music or the tv on, I couldn’t stand the silence. A lot of my friends texted me or FaceTimed me which was nice but I really wanted to speak to a real person.
It was only when I started clearing out that I stayed in a bit longer.
I lived off biscuits for a month, my daughter guessed I wasn’t eating and would come and make me stay the night and feed me, I just couldn’t be bothered. She used to look in my fridge. I have made a couple of things like chilli and spaghetti Bol sauce, I don’t think I’ve cooked many potatoes and veg for a long time. I buy ready meals, I quite like Tesco finest ones, some of them are tasty. I’m restricted to what I can eat because I have so many allergies, I find the majority of them are chicken which I can’t eat or fish.
Biscuits were my best option at the beginning. It’s sad looking at meals for one, my husband loved potatoes so we had them most nights, apart from a baked potato I’ve hardly had any in 6 months. I really need to start cooking again, I’ve been so busy. Food is not my fav thing, the thought of having a reaction on my own scares me. I had one the first week he died, I honestly wished that I could have joined him that night. I was lying on the bathroom floor where he had collapsed and died.
I can go shopping for food a bit better now but only once a month, I have started freezing meals albeit chilli or pasta but it’s food. I just hope I get on ok at the hotel next week, it takes me so long to study and pick something that it’s usually cold by the time I get to eat it. I have no problem with desserts thank goodness. I had a choc eclair for my lunch today lol I couldn’t find a sandwich that I could eat. That was my excuse anyway.
Hopefully it will get easier and we will manage food a bit better. Nigel does great with food, he is an inspiration to us all.
Xxxx
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Thanks Lizzy! 
I had Ham, Salami, Cheese and Piemontaise for ‘lunch’ today. First time I’ve had lunch since I got here!
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I have managed to get back to cooking but it is as though I am still cooking for her, Set up 2 plates, one in the fridge and one for me to have. I have the second one the next day. I have done all the cooking for the past 20 years so I can do it. Even managed to bake bread earlier in the week Elizabeth liked my sourdough bread.
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Hi Tissue. I am glad you decided to join our chats. I sometimes don’t want to talk but just read other peoples posts. I certainly did not know how bad this grief could be and now I know I will be able to be better at helping others when it happens to them. I don’t know why we can show our more vulnerable side on here and not with our friends and family. I think we want to be better so we just pretend we are. I mentioned in a text to a friend that I was sad because it was 6 month anniversary. She asked if I was thinking of doing anything stupid. I told her I had visited the family so already had. They don’t understand that the sadness is always there, and the tears just under the surface. But what is very evident is we are all different, what feels good for one sounds terrible to another. You just have to do what feels right for you. I do think though that sometimes if you leave things too long you can’t cope with it. I have a friend who’s sister died 30 years ago. Her mum lives in a huge house alone but she has never touched her room. She is stuck with that house as she cannot move without clearing it. I neded to take control and cleared all things that didn’t mean anything. I only did it a carrier bag at a time. I still have lots of his things and some will still need to go but I will do it bit by bit.
I have just returned from my day out. We had to cut it short as my son twisted his ankle and had to hobble about 2 miles to get back to the car. It was nice of them to take me but if I was with David we would have taken the longer path and seen it all. Son#2 was never fond of walking, son#1 has two young children that won’t walk anywhere, son#3 does like walking but lives a 90min drive away. I need a walking buddy but most of the people I know are not interested. I might get out tomorrow for a proper hike, but being half term I will keep it local.
Lizzy did you get your lamp? I am sure with patience I will be able to work out what you and Georgi say, as you say you just have to slow down. I have toured Scotland 4 times and managed ok. We did however have problems the first time we visited C1983. We stopped off in port glasgow and went into a pub. We ordered 2 drinks and the bloke just looked at us and said something we didn’t understand. We repeated our order and again nothing, just something we didn’t understand. So we repeated ourselves for a third time and he gave us our drinks.
We found out later that he was telling us they were now shut. He must have thought that the only way to get rid of us was to serve us. My husband had an aunt and uncle with the most broad Yorkshire accent and dialect. Even my husband had trouble sometimes understanding them. They seem to miss off half of every word. I don’t think you hear it to that extent anymore, tv and radio has watered it down. About 20 years ago we stayed at a caravan park in Northumberland. We went to the club house one evening and the people were so friendly but with their accent and the background noise I couldn’t understand a word. I avoided them after that.
Dave you made me laugh about your bread. I have done that before so I know what you mean. It may improve if you microwave it.
I had a millionairs shortbread for lunch. I have stew and dumplings for dinner from my freezer. I don’t cook as much as I used to but if I don’t eat I will get a migraine. Its sometimes eggs on toast but thats ok. I dread to think how my husband would have managed. It would have been all ready meals.
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I could knock nails i the wall with the bread by god it was hard. Xxx
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Lizzy I totally understand I haven’t been eating much since Chris died it’s like my appetite died with him. I cook when my family come round but I don’t eat much of it. Must be so difficult with allergies to worry about too . I still think you have done so well you are stronger that you know xx
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Glad to hear that although I’ve never cooked bread Rob. I do have a bread maker at home. Mary made Irish Soda bread with a handed down recipe, that no one else knew. Luckily she taught #1 daughter the recipe last year, and she makes it well now. I also still cook for 2. I either eat it all, freeze half or have half the day after next so as to have a change on each day. Seems to work OK.
It’s usually cold in the front of the house in the afternoons as it faces east. Who needs firelighters when you have a good old blow lamp instead! Er. I do! No wind today so it’s not drawing well.
Debsie that was a great response to the question about not doing anything silly. I must remember that one! I hope your son’s ankle is OK?
Hi Peaches - hope you are good today?
I had to take up the lino flooring - yuk - it was stuck so hard, I’ll have to finish off tomorrow. Slow but steady as they say!
Enjoy your evenings everybody.
Nigel xxxx
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Debsie,
I didn’t get my lamps, I tried three different Next stores and none of them had it. I did get two cushions though, a bargain in Primark, they look really good on the sofa.
My daughter told me to order the lamp online and she will pick it up at a Next Store near her so I’m going to do that. It matches the one I already have or i would have picked another one. But that’s another problem solved.
All this talk of food is making me hungry, I have spaghetti carbonara, 3 minutes and it will be ready lol. I used to make my own bread when the family came over, I’ve packed all my stuff away so it won’t be getting used for a while now. I wonder if I have any wine left, that would make it look like a proper dinner 
Glad you enjoyed your day out, it’s not the same is it, you go with what the family want, when you would have enjoyed a bigger hike. Hope the foot is ok.
Enjoy your evening xxxx
Just put my dinner i. Oven. Pie mash and peas x
Lizzy, Mary would know exactly what I would order in any Italian restaurant. Spaghetti Carbonara! I had one on the way down on Wednesday night. With half a litre of red wine! Enjoy!
Tissue, I am so very sorry that your husband died. Mine did too, September 24, 2024. The first months, as you are now living, are simply the worst. Luckily, you won’t remember the details or just how bad things are in a few months. These things fade and we start pulling it together again at about 4-5 months.
I promise you that the fog will lift and you will develop a routine that suits you. Will it be great? No. But, normal.
There is no rush to clear anything. It took me weeks to clear just the paperwork and I probably had fits of anger and grief doing it. It is a horrible time.
If you’ve read here then you know that my Rule of Fives is what keeps me going. Unable to do it ALL at once, I write down 5 things to accomplish each day, get them done and marked them off the list. It lets me know I am functioning. I set the timer for 5 minutes and attack a chore, when the bell rings, I stop.
Sometimes, I do one chore an hour. Select 5 things from a drawer to toss, 5 things from a closet, clear out 5 drawers, toss 5 old spices or vacuum for 5 minutes. You will be surprised how much you can get done in 5 minutes or doing 5 things at a time.
I am not ready to do anything with my husband’s clothes. I gave away a few large bags of slipover polo type shirts, sweats, tees, jeans to a charity group making their way to flood victims. I gave away guitars as my husband had requested, a few fishing poles, some fishing gear, some hunting clothes, etc. But his suits and beautiful things, nope, can’t let them go as I remember how handsome he was wearing these items of his. I am particularly attached to his rain gear and I do not know why, but I hug it close and it feels so good - almost like a hug from my husband.
I am still not finished with the man cave. In fact, it has become the temporary holding area for all things that must leave the house as I am purging excess. The house is large and we filled every spot with “stuff”. I now have empty cabinets and drawers and I’ve hauled off 4 giant SUVs of things for the thrift shop. For a long time, I would have 3 huge bins out for the trash service twice a week.
The Rule of Fives will pay off. Thirty-five things a week, 150 things a month and at a slow pace that you can handle.
Pay the bills, feed yourself (force yourself to eat), keep the pets/plants alive and take a baby step each day. You will make it. I promise.
Darling, no one understands what you are going through unless they have been in your shoes. It is a simple fact. At 6 months, they all think we are “healed” because we are carrying on with daily life and accomplishing things. We aren’t. We are getting things done while carrying a truck load of grief on our shoulders - living with an indescribable loss and heart aching for our loved ones.
But, here we are, starring in a shit show.
It’s is a club we didn’t ask to join and can’t quit either. Even with the Mafia one gets to choose to join.
We are all here for you in whatever way we can be of help. We’ve got you.
Love and hugs from New Orleans, Louisiana, USA.
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Oh that looks lovely Dave!
Ohh. That is. Nice. Cheesey mash steak pie and peas very nice. Xxx
Wow! Slept so well! With no aids!
Ordered another set of these dishes I bought. They will be delivered today at about 2p. I figured I need more than 8 dishes total (as I am having a dinner party for 10 this week) and it is time to let go of the others - completely. Some are vintage pottery from 1978, but let someone else list them and worry about selling them bits at a time. Life is too short to keep hanging on to these old memories.
What is that method called where you hold something and if it brings bad memories you let it go and keep only what you LOVE? This is where I am headed.
Pouring rain today. Gloomy, overcast and noisy. Love it.
A few errands to do today. Making my list for tomorrow, part of which is a trip to the dentist to get my new mouth guard as The Beast ate my old one. There’s $800 down the tubes. Thanks, you’re such a Good Boy!
He’s already done his run in the rain thing. He loves water - I can’t even soak in the bath without him hanging over the edge, licking me and trying to eat the bubbles. I’ve been brushing him outdoors every day. The hair never stops coming off. Hurry up with this please. Let’s get this shedding done.
My computer guy selected a laptop for me. I just go with what he suggests as he knows what is what and I don’t. He will buy it and bring it when he comes to set it up.
Another day of chores and errands. If not for my robot vacuums, I would just give up trying to keep the floors hair free. I run them everyday, one twice just to stay ahead for a minute.
It is noon, so time to get started. Again.
Love to all.
PS - Digger - I want that plate of food! It looks so delicious!
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