Autocorrect! I did type Debsie but it changed it! Grr!
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The suddenness is what got me. He started to feel cold, 8 hours later he was breathless and was taken to hospital with pneumonia and sepsis. 26 hours after that first symptom he was dead. I still can’t understand, he was such an active man, he never sat still for long.
Yes planning for the children is high on my list. I’m clearing out like there is no tomorrow. The likelihood is I will have years to do this but we have all learned that it is no longer a given. I need to ensure they know the history of things. That the copper bowl I throw the keys in was their great grandmothers. That the ruby ring was their grandmothers engagement ring. That the steam engine was their fathers from when he was a boy etc.
I write a journal to be husband each day, telling him what I do and all the things happening. I find it therapeutic and I think it may be something to look back on so I can see how far I’ve come. I have always hated New Year. I have decided to do a new tradition. I will write 2 letters. One to me listing the things I would like to achieve, and one to the family telling them how proud I am. I can be the voice of my husband but when I am gone there will be no one to speak for me.
Take care
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Marnee, I am so sorry that your lost your beloved wife. I know she was an exceptional woman because she listened to Padre Pio, one of my favorites too.
Everyone here knows what is is like and that it is indescribably awful in every way. We’ve all learned that no one understands unless they have walked in these shoes.
I have had great support here and been able to express my experience without judgment. It has helped me more than I can say. I hope it helps you as well.
Much love.
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I COOKED!
Lovely panne’d fresh fish and roasted sweet potatoes. The vegies in the fridge I was counting on were bin ready, oh well. The gumbo will be frozen in smaller portions. And, I had a glass of wine. It felt great.
And, realized that I put all the bills in the mail on time EXCEPT the tax bill. The one I have been fretting for 12 weeks! I could cry. Either I will be able to put it on a credit card tomorrow, or I get a fine. I’ll still survive. But, I am just so freaking disappointed in myself, I thought I had a good grip on everything and was patting my own back.
Obviously, I do not.
One step forward, two steps back.
Toilet fixed.
Succession documents typed - almost ready.
Pet food store with the dog. He had fun, me - not so much. He has no manners and will sniff crotches of people passing by, he followed one worker pulling me along trying to sniff her butt. He’s so gross. but, hilarious.
Still need to get the mail from our box. I don’t know if I can handle what might be in it, the garbage needs to go out, and the CPA didn’t call me back.
It is no longer a rollercoaster. It is more like a polygraph needle response to bold faced, bad liar.
Much love.
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Peaches, be proud of yourself, you cooked, that’s a big achievement. I know what you mean by picking up the Mail, I dread it as well. Your dog sound hilarious and good company, I’m enjoying being at my daughters, the dog loves me and I got the biggest hug from my grandson, it means a lot. I’m going back home this morning, I have a few delivery’s coming, need to write a couple of Christmas cards that neighbours have popped in the door. Still disappointed in his best friend as they always make a special card for us. I only bought a few cards this year and picked up a special couple card for them. Going to go round and post it on Christmas Eve, is that bad? This is the friend that brought my key round to me. I don’t know what I’ve done to them. Have a good day Peaches xx
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Peaches, thank you for those kind words. Yes, exceptional, an institution, irreplaceable are just some words people have described her as, to me, always smiling despite her health problems of which there were many. 200 friends and relatives at her funeral with even the priests crying, says it all I guess! She was, and technically still is, a professed Franciscan, in the Secular Order of St Francis, for which she was the local fraternity minister. She died the day she was due to retire from that post, as if her work was done. She was a Eucharistic Minister, a regular church reader, choir member, soloist, the person everybody (including my former wife) called on when they needed help or advice, and the matriarch of our 21 member family, sitting there knitting away at get-togethers whilst proudly overlooking all of them. She was the second or “go to” “mum” to so many I lose count.
But, hey, you do deserve a pat on the back. I normally did a lot of the cooking, but it’s very difficult being bothered to do that just for one person, isn’t it? I even just had a sandwich for dinner on one night as I’d forgotten to take anything out of the freezer and couldn’t be bothered to open tins etc. so well done you! And I’ve got veggies in the fridge I probably should look at as they were for a dish my wife was going to make the day she went into hospital. OMG! Just checked and they’re all still in perfect condition, since 9 November! How come?
Explain to the tax people - hopefully they’ll understand. It feels like one step forward and two steps back, sounds to me like you’re doing two forward, one back - the other way round, but I know I feel the same regularly. I think I’m coping but then something little comes and smacks me round the head to bring me back to reality! Just saying “thank you” to the florist and showing them a picture of the grave a week on, had me sobbing in their shop, when I thought I’d be ok.
It’s not the mail that worries me, but the text like I just had telling me I’ve gone into an unarranged overdraft, knowing it’s vital to find money from somewhere this morning to fix that! Without knowing yet what my income will be. I’ve not just binned the junk mail, addressed to my wife, I just return to sender with “addressee deceased” on it. The mail from them stops pretty quickly then. It’s not easy in the short term though, writing with that finality, but I think it will be better long term.
I thought of it as a roller coaster ride too, but you’re right it IS more like a polygraph or a seismometer. Maybe it’s now short sharp peaks and troughs rather than much longer up and down periods?
Thank you again for your words and support. Keep strong!
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Debsie, that first part of your message is almost a carbon copy of my wife. She’d had a chest infection, but was being treated ok for that, but went back to bed (something she never did) and was literally shaking with cold in a warm room. The ambulance crew said she was showing at least 3 of the 5 Sepsis diagnosis conditions, and died of pneumonia after a stroke. A bolt out of the blue. We just didn’t see it coming! She was very active too, despite many health issues.
I’m sure you and I both did what we felt was right at the time. Even she wasn’t initially too concerned even when in hospital.
I hope you find solace in writing the journal to your husband as I do talking to my wife.
Much love - we will get through this. 
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Lizzy, you’ve not done anything wrong. Often people just don’t know what to say, or do. My wife and I had a meal booked with some of the oldest friends we had (time not age) and they assumed I’d not still want to go a week after the funeral. Well, I did and we did go out. We had a lovely time over several hours, but they didn’t bring a Christmas card like they always did, as they couldn’t bring themselves to send anything with Happy Christmas or the like, on it, or just addressed to me. People even asked if I was going to sell our second home in the South of France, and were surprised when I said no, why would I? I don’t know the background to the key, but I think I’d send your card as normal, now, as they might then understand that it is ok to still send a card to you. I’ve noticed my neighbours, all lovely people, are finding it hard to stop and talk, or to send cards to me. I genuinely think they don’t know what to do or say for the best. I’m going to have to take the initiative and start conversations so it doesn’t get even more difficult to do.
My (our) best friend, and my daughter’s ex father in-law, died a few years ago, and his wife stopped coming round. We couldn’t understand it and wondered what we had done. Despite their son cheating on our daughter, even on his stag weekend, we were determined to remain good friends, so it was doubly difficult to understand why she wasn’t coming round, despite invitations. My wife texted frequently and seemed to be ignored. But she persisted and, eventually, our friend did come round. She just hadn’t been able to cope with the situation. She was one of the first I contacted, and the first to come round after my wife died. She was in bits, and couldn’t even look at me without floods of tears. If you do still want their friendship, and goodness knows we do need friends at these time, persist, even to the stage of asking them outright what you’ve done wrong.
Sorry that sounds like I’m preaching, but I’m really not. It’s said with love. Either you’ll be friends again or you won’t but you won’t be left wondering.
I hope this might help. Much love.
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I think Marnee is right - people try and do the right thing but what is right for some is not right for another. I chose not to send cards. I let as many people know as possible. It was too difficult for me to see his missing name and I decided that I deserved to spare myself that. But I also do not want to receive cards. I leave them unopened sometimes for days, and when I am able I open them and cry. Some get it right, they send a thinking of you card or a blank card with a personal message. Some like my sister (who said she would visit and obviously isn’t going to as she posted a card) sent a card saying Merry Christmas. She used to always do a special sister one but not this year just a cheap card. At least send one that says Season Greetings or something. But Merry Christmas! Really? I felt like putting it in the bin. She also messaged me a month ago asking if I had come to terms with it yet. She has dissapointed me.
I also try to avoid any situations that I feel I am likely to cry. And people coming up to me and asking how I am is one of them. Just say something about the weather, or anything but please, please don’t make me cry. But other people want the cards, the sympathy, the attention. I just want to be left alone. Maybe in that card you have for them just put a little message to say how much you valued their friendship and that you hope that can continue. Maybe also put that you hope that you can arrange something together for the New Year. I too get upset by thing people say and do, things that in normal circumstances I would make allowances for, but at the moment our feelings are so sensitive and we can read too much into things. I do hope they are just trying to give you space, but if they do cut you off it is their lost. And times like these are when we find out who we can truly rely on.
I’m going to try a day where I am not going to do too much. Was up half the night, another migraine, so slept in a bit this morning. I am going to have a nice walk, make cakes for my friends lunch tomorrow, read a book. See how I survive not darting here and there and sorting out cupboards etc. I actually don’t think I will achieve that. I bet my tea time I will find I have had no time to read my book.
I hope you have a nice day. xx
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Lizzy so happy to hear things are looking up for you, it’s about time as it was dragging you down. You can even see the difference in your comments they are so upbeat & positive now and I am so happy for you, you can now concentrate on you instead of worrying about all the other stuff, I hope you have a lovely xmas( and yes it will be touched with sadness as all of ours will be) but we can still enjoy time with our families or friends whoever we spend it with and our partners would want that for us too xxxx
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So sorry for your loss, it was so sudden and you will still be in shock but I am sure everyone on here will show you support and help you through these early days of grief, it certainly helped me. Thinking of you at this sad time xxx
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Thank you Georgi. It is still very raw but I’m determined to make her proud. Help on here is invaluable as is “speaking” about it to people who genuinely understand. I do have several friends in similar situations but they’re grieving for my wife too. So doing it here seems so appropriate at the moment. Much love.
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Debsie, yes people do not understand what we are going through, I know they were very close friends of my husband but I looked on them as friends as well but honestly I’m really starting to have my doubts about them now, I just can’t be bothered making the effort, it’s there loss, they have upset me a few times now since his death. I know I’m not going to stay here for ever so I think it’s time to say goodbye and move on. I’ve had a few cards saying thinking of you, in fact I got one today. I didn’t really send cards either but some of my neighbours have popped one through the door, haven’t spoke to them since the death but they pop a merry Christmas card through the door. What’s that all about. I got a special sister one from my sister as well today but she always sends one like that. Can’t bear to put them up as it’s not going to be a Merry Christmas but I will try to be happy for my grandchildren. My grandson said to me this morning, “what’s your plans for the rest of the week” I said I don’t have anything planned, he said that’s good as you are coming to stay with us. I was going over on Christmas Day but I think he is hoping I’m coming over sooner but I don’t think that was on the cards but it’s so nice that he thinks about me all the time. He gives me the inner strength that I need and he is only 11 years old. I will light a candle at 7pm on Xmas eve like a lot of people are doing on this site and will think of all of us going through this sad time in our lives. Take care everyone xxx
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Georgi, yes I was elated to get the news from my lawyer that they are not dealing with the Will abroad. I just have to put my business head on and negotiate with the lawyer over there, I am glad his English is very good. Still a long way to go but this was good news for me. But I’m not selling it at the price his buyer is offering, I honestly think they think we are very vulnerable and gullible being a widow, but this one is toughening up rather quickly with all the blows I’ve had to deal with. My headache has also lifted as that bit of stress has gone. I will be glad to have a few weeks break from the paperwork etc. I hope you are having a good day xxx🤗
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Lizzy my grandchildren are saving me. Your granson sounds like a very special person. He will make someone a great husband when he grows up. I had to pick a one of my grandsons up from school. He is 5. I had to mind him for 3 hours, we were doing a jigsaw puzzle. I was giving him some subtle help without him thinking I was. He was very proud how it was going and the said how clever we both were, but of course he was more clever then me. He made me smile. They all make me smile.
I am very proud of myself today. Went for a walk at our local nature reserve while the sun is still shining. I saw a car there of friends. Just a short time of go I would have done all I could to avoid them, but today I was pleased to bump into them. And although a couple of times my voice broke and my eyes watered I did not cry. Massive achievement for me. Hopefully the day will come when I can answer peoples questions without breaking down. It gives me hope.
I wonder how my relationship with his remaining family will pan out. He only has two cousins and a brother. His brother is notoriously incondsiderate. Not deliberately he just doesn’t think. I think it is down to him to reach out to me this Christmas. He still has a few days. We will see.
Take care
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Peaches you must me so cross after all that effort you did to get it done. You ticked it off in your head and then forgot it. I also felt cross about missing that autorenewal. Not such a big deal, but you know in normal circumstances you would do better. Getting you paperwork sorted is a great feeling. Giving yourself some control in these awful times gives you strength.
The polygraph is a great similarly for what our emotions are like. And it is most definitely is 2 steps forward and one back. You have just listed some great achievements there yourself. A pat on the back is still deserved.
Take care
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Hi I’ve spent quite a chunk of the morning reading posts on this feed and I’m beginning to understand that we will keep on going in some shape as I can see how you have progressed, if that makes sense. My husband died last Sunday and I am just numb. We have 3 sons and our middle boy died unexpectedly in July this year, aged 18, and I think that my husbands heart was just too broken. He was only 52 and had no underlying illness, it looks like he may have had a massive heart attack. I’m 47 and my boys are 22 and 14. I just ache so much in my stomach with all of the things that I am going to have to do now, I have lovely friends and family but my family is miles away in Kent and my husbands family are just as broken by this as us. We had been making progress as a family following our sons death but I think facing the first christmas so close to his birthday which would have been last month was just too much xx
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Marnee, as the saying goes “there’s nowt queerer than folk” I think you really get to know who your real friends are when you are going through all this. I don’t stay near my friends but have been travelling about two hours to have lunch or even a coffee with them as they know I need to get out the house. I’ve only had four people in my house since my husband died, it’s coming up to 11 weeks now. I get tons of texts and phone calls as I stay quite rural but the only people I know were all my husbands friends, I married him 11 years ago and moved down here, I have been so happy and we did everything together when I retired. My way of coping is packing a bag and going to stay with family and friends and getting out this house. I know I will move as I can’t live here anymore without him but it’s going to take a while to get the estate sorted out. I’m a lot better at dealing with things now but still have meltdowns, it’s so hard cooking for one, I lived of biscuits for about a month as I couldn’t face eating or making food, my daughter came over for me and took me to her house to make sure I ate. I am eating again, maybe not what I used to eat but I’m getting there. We are all adjusting to this new chapter in our life, we don’t have a choice and I’m sure we will all get there. Take care 
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Mjfoo, I’m am so very sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine going through this pain twice in your life. No wonder you are numb, it is still very raw for you. I was numb for weeks, I don’t remember much about the first month and have no idea how I coped with sorting funerals and paperwork. I’m still struggling but it is getting a tiny bit easier. Please reach out and keep posting on here as I wouldn’t have coped without these wonderful people, who really understand what we are going through. Sending massive hugs. Take care
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Thank you so much, i don’t even know how I found this site, i was looking something up and one of the answers was in someones post. I’m so grateful to have found people who get it, my friends/family are amazing but at some point they have to go home and thats when it hits me all over again. When my son died there came a point where the contact went back to its usual level and i know that will happen again at some point and i dont know if its worse to know what is inevitably coming xx
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