Two weeks of widowhood.

[Debsie1]

Oh Lizzy, have your drink, I wish I could but it gives me migraines. My husband loved a few largers in an evening. He was nagged by me to not do it every night. I was worried it would effect his health, well that went well. I had friends round, they were here 5 hours, but I didn’t enjoy it much. Like you I was feeling flat. I think the constant battle with the migraine doesn’t help. Have another this morning but can’t take any more meds till Thursday, but if its bad on Christmas day I will anyway. I’m supposed to double the dose of my preventative this week but I’m worried its making me worse. Thinking of abandoning them altogether.

I too make pavlova. Nice and simple and can be done in advance. Never tried little ones, how long do you cook them for? I make a yule log, trifle and pavlova. The boys favourite is the yule log, I only make the pavlova for me, its my favourite and after all that cooking I deserve it. Its too much dessert and I say every year I won’t make it but always do. My husband was not much help with sweet things and I would keep nagging to help eat it up.

Have to run some errands this morning, pick son up from the station, then a light trail this evening with family followed by a takeaway. Wish I could get excited for it but it all seems too much effort today. Hope the wind doesn’t spoil the light trail. At least it is meant to be dry. Good luck with the bins. My Monday collection was yesterday this week and I remembered. Really pleased with myself.

[Lizzy28]

Debsie, making the small pavlovas might be good for you as they keep for ages in an air proof container. I pipe them into little nests and everyone does their own thing. I cook them at 120 for about 30/40 minutes, just till they start changing colour or pick one up and check they are cooked. My bins survived the night, checked at 5.30am. It seems to have calmed down now. I used to nag my husband as well, he enjoyed a glass of wine with our meal and loved a wee whisky at night. He had throat cancer and I always worried it would come back quicker if he drank spirits, he did ask the doctor and she said in moderation so that was good news for him. Now I wish I hadn’t nagged, think that’s how my bin is so light as there are not much in them. Had to stop getting the wine delivered from his wine club . He always bought a special bottle of whisky to open on New Year, I’m not a fan of whisky but will open it and probably have a wee cry and toast to him. His motto was live for today and enjoy life, he was always saying that, maybe we should all try and do that although he has made it harder for me to do that. I think I will get up and get ready to go to supermarket early, that’s all I have planned for today, I fell asleep watching Love Actually last night then watched Christmas First Dates, I’m a glutton for punishment watching all these programmes. Think that’s why I wakened too early. I hope your day goes smoothly and those headaches start to ease, probably all the stress isn’t helping either. You take care, sending hugs xx

[Georgi]

Hi Debsie, I can truly understand about migraines bringing your mood down, they are so debilitating and yes I too stopped drinking many years ago because it just wasn’t worth it! I once got put on Propranolol to help with my migraines and the effects of menopause for which it worked great for both and you will know how pleased I was with that but a year later as I was breathless on climbing stairs or a slight incline I went back to doc thinking I had a serious heart issue, turns out the magic pill had slowed my heart rate to less than half of what it should be and he stopped the pill, much to my disappointment because it did help greatly with migraines and the menopause. Hope I have not repeated myself and told you this before Debsie, apologies if I have, I am more forgetful than ever since I lost my husband and I worry bout that too, but enough of that !
Take Care everyone and hope we all have at least a nice xmas if not a great one considering the circumstance we all find ourselves in e

[Debsie1]

Hi Georgi, you have not repeated yourself and it wouldn’t matter if you did. I do all the time. Propranolol did nothing for me except give me indigestion. I too have low heart rate and blood pressure which is another reason I don’t want to take these drugs. My blood pressure used to be about 100/60 when younger and I was always feeling faint, I have a blood pressure monitor and I said to myself if the reading goes below 100 I’m stopping. I don’t want to feel faint living alone. After my husband died my migraines improved. My heart rate and blood pressure was higher too. In my head that means to me that my problem is that they are too low and taking pills to make them lower just creates more problems. BP was about 110/80 but with these new pills its now 105/75, If I double my dose I may be back into fainting teritory. Spent so many years monitoring my husbands blood pressure, makes it a change to be mine. When he was fighting for his life and his BP was so low I kept telling him, all those years of being high surely you can do it one more time. Unfortunately he couldn’t. So ironic. Take care.

[Georgi]

Hi Debsie, you are right to be cautious with medication making you dizzy, I lose my balance a lot lately without adding medication into the mix xxx
PS Hope the stress of xmas doesn’t give us a migraine, fingers crossed xxx

[PeachesDixon]

I was instructed by my mother’s nurses to have her drink cold water when her BP dropped and sure enough, it worked. Can’t hurt.

Mostly a day of doing nothing. Dog dragged me around the neighborhood. Friend called to thank me for the gift I sent. WHAT? She received only one bottle of wine when I ordered a huge basket of goodies and 2 bottles of wine for her.

Can’t even order gifts and have them get it right it is so aggravating.

My 97 year old aunt is in the hospital but my cousin went to see her, so I don’t have to make that trip. Likely a UTI. The will keep her overnight for observation. OK.

All the gifts are wrapped. Yay! I thought I had more than I do, but . . . I guess this is all I bought.

Today is the first day I have not had a headache in 3 months. Tuesday marks 13 weeks. It still seems surreal. How can my husband be gone and never coming back?

Christmas Eve at my brother’s with his family, it will be sweet as the little ones are always fun to watch them all so excited. Then Christmas Day at my friends’ home for a meal and some company.

My husband used to donate every quarter to a children’s hospital. In lieu of flowers at his funeral, he requested donations to this hospital. I called to tell them some checks may be coming and they now send 3-5 pieces of mail every week asking for money. It just makes me not want to send a penny.

Everybody get out of my pocketbook!

Merry Christmas to everyone. Don’t forget the reason for the season!

[Debsie1]

Hi Peaches, seems like you had a nice day. The cold water makes sense. Whoop whoop! Woke without a headache today, wonders will never cease. Hope I can maintain that.

My husband was always signing petitions and giving away his email and phone number. Mainly my mobile number as he rarely carried his around. I use to have to unsubscribe emails to at least one organisation a day. A couple of weeks after he died I got a call on the landline for him. It was a charity. I asked them to remove his name from their list as he had died. He apologised. The next day I got another call. Unbelievable.

Yesterday was a good day. Got some errands run. A friend dropped by unexpectedly. Picked up my son from the station. Then at 4pm son#2 picked us up to take us to light trail as I dont drive at night. His wife, baby and step son went in their other car. I had never been before and it was so much better then I was expecting. We had a takeaway after at my sons house. Absolutely lovely family memories. However that is the problem. I realised we are making memories without him and that hurt a lot more then I thought it would. I now know that I am going to feel like that on Christmas day. I was fooling myself that a busy noisy Christmas would not allow me to dwell on what I’m missing. His absence is going to be felt every second. I’m just going to have to be strong. Missing him more this morning then any other time. I hope I can do this.

[Lizzy28]

Hi Peaches, strangely enough when I was going through treatment for cancer, I had my BP checked every half hour, mine is always verging on low so they gave me loads of water to drink and it did help. Well I had a low day yesterday, spent most of the night reading, crying. I feel fine this morning, ready for another day until now, my only toilet is not working, honestly what next. I’m googling like crazy to see if I can fix it, I won’t get a plumber where I live as most are on holiday. I’ve got the family coming on 29th. Had a rubber glove on and seeing if anything blocking it but I’m sure there isn’t. These things are sent to try us, I don’t even know how to take the top off as it’s all built in. Back to google, wish me luck. Xxx

[Mjfoo]

The first time this morning that i “forgot” for a few seconds that Nick had died, the crushing reality is so cruel. I had a reasonable day yesterday with friends popping in and out all day, bringing more food, bless them, and it ended with an unplanned tapas evening with 3 of my closest friends so that food we had bought for “the season” didnt get wasted, i have much party food for different planned get togethers and just seeing it in the fridge is overwhelming. We were ment to go to paris for christmas just to be away as christmas without our son was going to be painful so we wanted a change of scenery and now we’re not going i need to get my boys something for christmas, although they have both said they arent bothered, i just feel i have to do something for them both xxx im glad your headaches are subsiding everyone xx

[Lizzy28]

I’m so glad your headache has eased Debsie, I will never moan at doing nothing all day, I need to fix my toilet, if anything has broken I will need to get in the car and drive at least 40 minutes to a diy shop. That’s if I can get inside the lid to have a look. Think I will go on a diy maintenance course if there is such a thing next year. Basic things. Someone should invent one for stupid people like me. Xxx

[Lizzy28]

Mjfoo, it’s a horrible thing that feeling every time it happens to you, you wake up ok then wham it hits you again. I wonder if it will ever go away. I’m dreading Christmas morning, I will have a tissue at the ready. I don’t know how I will cope but when you think we coped with the funeral, the worst day of my life but we got through it. Let’s look on the positive side, we will cope and we will do our best to enjoy it. It’s making new memories, we still have our old ones, they will stay, but we need to start making new ones. All I want today is a good day, one day at a time, I was so down yesterday so I’m trying to pull myself back up. Take care xxx

[Debsie1]

Oh Lizzy, what a nightmare. You don’t need that. But think how proud you will be when you sort it. I’m feeling quite low. A huge list of things to do, but I have been busy doing loads of stuff that isn’t on my list. I cannot seem to focus and am flitting backwards and forwards. Just waiting for a friend to turn up. Shouldn’t be writing on here I should be doing things but alas I’m not as per usual. I do hope its something simple to fix. If its just not flushing you can always resort to tipping buckets of water down. Maybe think of having a maintence plan. There are several, I’m with British gas for boiler electrics and plumbing. You can sometimes sign up when you are already in trouble. Or is there a local facebook group you could put an appeal out on? You will be surprised how helpful some people can be. A DIY course would be great. I would like to be able to use a drill but have never tried before. Its a bit scary doing new things. Good luck.

[PeachesDixon]

Mjfoo, to wake up and then realize it wasn’t a dream is such a gut punch. Been there, done that, and it is horrible. I am sorry that your day started so hard and hope it gets easier.

Lizzy, I tried to fix my toilet. Ha! had to call my plumber. Please call one so you aren’t without a toilet over the holidays! Can’t have that.

Sometimes, it is clogged down the line, but if you don’t flush for a day, the blockage will dry up and flush away.

Debsie, I am sorry that you are feeling low making memories without your husband here to enjoy the holiday with you. It is a first for many of us, but there is only one first Christmas, and we will all be okay. Sadly, we will be making these memories for the rest of our lives.

Glad you had a good day. None of us thought we would have a good day ever again, but we do.

I am polishing silver ware. Please don’t be jealous that I am having such fun. While sorting, I found silver dinner ware that I didn’t know we had. I don’t know where it came from, but I am polishing it anyway. In 2025, I am giving the stainless steel away and using the silver. Why not? If not now, when? Time to use the crystal drink ware too. What and who am I saving it for?

Another crisp, clear day. About 60 degrees F.

Much love to all. We are here, we are alive, we are surviving, we are on our way to thriving, and we will create a life for ourselves.

[Lizzy28]

Peaches, you sound cheery, please send some of your good weather over here, it’s very depressing here today, another day and I’m stuck in, I can’t be doing with it. Well praise me I fixed my toilet, I googled a few things and tried them and I don’t know which one worked but I didn’t need to open the cabinet thank goodness. Whatever cocktail I put down it worked but I honestly don’t know what was blocking it at the time. I just pray that it stays flushing and going away till after the holidays anyway. I was jumping for joy and said I wouldn’t moan for rest of day that was till I couldn’t get the fire to light today. Three goes it took, again I didn’t do anything different. Well enjoy your silver and I agree why do we keep things like that and not use them. I’ve had another teary day for no reason, I’ve got my toilet fixed, I should be happy, it must be the time of year. I received a lovely Xmas card from my two grandaughters with their pic on the front, it was so beautiful it made me cry again. I need to get a grip. Need a walk but it’s so cold and raining outside. Will force myself tomorrow. I hope you have a good day take care xx

[PeachesDixon]

Lizzy! Congrats on fixing the toilet! You deserve hugs and a round of applause! Isn’t it amazing what we can do when we have to?

We have to wear many hats, now you have a Handy Man hat too!

We do not get really cold weather here. Every other year or so we might get to a freezing temp overnight, just enough to kill all the tropical plants and make a mess of the gardens. In 2004, we had a little snow on Christmas Day - it was magical for us. We had a large gathering of about 50 and a piano playing guest as we stood at the 2 story windows, sipping our cocktails and watching the beauty of the snow, singing carols and smelling the delicious roasted turkey dinner cooking. Ah, those were good times. Our Christmas guests would start arriving at 7am and the last would leave at 4am. Breakfast, lunch, dinner and breakfast again. It would take days for me to clean up the mess, but so worth it all.

“Just because you have it doesn’t mean you can keep it.” So true. So glad I had those marvelous days which would not have happened without my husband.

It really is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. Feeling grateful to my darling husband for all the great times we had. So blessed to have had this life with him.

Much love.

[Lizzy28]

Peaches, you say the nicest of things, I will wear my hat with pleasure although I’ve not been to toilet yet, maybe I will leave it on the table just in case. Your parties sound magical. I’m trying to think of all the good times with my husband but I’m finding the nearer to Christmas we get the sadder I’m getting. We did party a lot, I miss going out with him, I miss his chats. I had a moment last night, I could not sleep,I tossed and turned all night, my feet were freezing so I filled a hot water bottle that has a furry coat on it. Never used it before. I turned yet again in the bed and I touched the bottle which was at his side of the bed, I almost died with fright as I thought it was him in the bed. I need to shake myself, not having a good days just now, going up and down all the time. Your posts make me smile though, take care xxx

[Debsie1]

Lizzy well done on the toilet. We will keep surprising ourselves on our achievements. I too have had a weepy day. I think it’s because I have not cried much the last two days.

I had a large to do list today and ticked off one and a half. My friend stayed longer than I expected for a ‘flying’ visit. Went for a walk to get some fresh air. Got distracted with another job not on the list. Started tackling something on my list when my husband’s brother and wife turned up. They were here for 2 hours. Then had dinner to cook and I have now given up. That means double list to do tomorrow. Hopefully I will be focused and have no interruptions. Running out of time.

Peaches absolutely don’t save things for best. Just been discussing this with my brother in law. Their mother covered the carpet with plastic runners to protect it. No one used the best room with posh sofas and they sat in the dining room on plastic sofas with taped up splits. I have just thrown some old mismatched plates not sure why I keep using them instead of the nicer ones. There is a lot more of that to do in my kitchen and my clothes. I am going to try and wear the nice stuff and clear the ones that have seen better days.

I too am grateful for the 46 years of love I received. I would not do without those to spare myself this pain. They always say women fare much better than men when they lose their partner. And I think we are all managing much better than we could ever have dreamed of.

[Nigel-Marnee]

I think you’re right Debbie, women do seem to cope better. I’m pretty good with DIY and all that, but I’m not sure how I’ll learn to use my wife’s array of sewing and embroidery machines. It looks far too complicated! This morning was horrible after a bad night sleep. My dining room looks like a bomb has hit it after clearing a storage unit used to store things when our lounge was replastered, and now everything is in boxes in the dining room. Took some chocolates to my GP to thank them for the care they gave my wife and made appointment for early January. I ended up in tears at the reception desk. Then a visit to the grave still with tears running down my face. Then my daughter called as I was getting out of the car, which helped me return to normality - bless her. I was sitting on a bench, which I normally don’t do, and the grave attendant saw me there and stopped to ask if I was ok. Another kind gesture, but brought me to tears again! Then my regular “chat” with my wife left me even more tearful, and wondering how I was going to cope with all this. I just went home, and then later my daughters came round, along with a family friend - the ex-mother in law of my youngest daughter. We were all able to have a good time chatting about my wife with a couple of Proseccos helping us along the way. They all seemed to be coping so much better than me! But the day did end up well, with my friend taking me to dinner up the road. Just hope the owner, who knew my wife well, doesn’t think I was already out with some random woman!!! So the day ended ok, but now it’s try to sleep time! Hope that’s better than last night. Well done all you ladies, you do really well. Hopefully I can keep up with your successes. M

[Mjfoo]

That is so true, my sons are 22 and 14 and all i want is for them to feel okay. Im dreading every day at the moment and the funeral isnt until 11th January. The post mortem was inconclusive and they have sent Nicks heart for further tests, it will be 4 months before we have it back but we have to carry on with life in the meantime, my son died on a school trip in Costa Rica in July and we dont have the post mortem for him yet either, i just wonder how much more sadness we can take xxx sorry for the rant xxx

[PeachesDixon]

Marnee, yes everyone else is coping better than us. They all go back to their old, normal lives. Our old life is gone, there is no going back to normal. We wake to a new life that we are not comfortable with and learning to function as a single person is very hard after so many years of marriage. You had a roller coaster day of sadness and then laughter and wine. This is the new normal for us all. We have good moments and awful ones, sometimes in the same day, yet here we are - making it happen. We have to celebrate the good things and concentrate on more of them.

Debsie, I am unloading it all. Keeping only the good stuff and letting the rest of it go elsewhere. My niece is supposed to take some things but hasn’t come to collect them. Sigh. She doesn’t feel the urgency I do.

If I don’t love it, it is leaving, I just need strong people to help me get it out of here.

Good day. Woke early, napped early, ate early and 2 phone calls from friends. Still in my nightgown, but no reason to change now, it is dark again.

Was going to work in the yard, but I didn’t feel like getting all beat up from the yanking and raking and chopping which I would feel for days. Maybe a holiday without aches is in order. It will all still be there later.

Lizzy, get an electric blanket. No more cold feet or waiting for the bed to warm up.

Much love to all.