I think it will always be hard we just learn better ways of coping with it xxx
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Just come back from my councillor it was a very good session. We covered a lot ground today.i have 1 more session left she has helped me so much. Xx
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I kiss Hazel’s urn on the bookshelf, any one of her photos and also my wedding ring (whiich I still wear on my 3rd finger). I talk to her too and say good morning/good night.
I’m still getting upset. Yesterday was the horrendous thought that I have to leave her behind
I met a lovely friend of ours who was instrumental in getting us together all those years ago. Laughter & tears as we remembered the memories 
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Debsie.
Well done, your are on a roll, I couldn’t tackle a tax return, they would freak me out.
I did however put more weed killer down and Nigel you will laugh, I tried the weed burner, I turned the gas on, pressed the button which is quite far down. I pressed it and jumped out my skin BOOM it went so I shut it off, tried it with my face out the way this time, again nothing. You guessed right the gas had ran out! 
. That will be going to the dump with me next time I go.
I cleaned my built in bbq, took the cover off it and tidied the place up. Put a table-cover on my table as I didn’t cover it up over winter. No doubt I will try and sell it if I move. The weather has been nice here today as well.
Georgi, enjoy your time with the family xxx
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Phil, I talk to my husband every day, I kiss his wedding ring, it’s the same as mine only bigger, I wouldn’t wear it. We got them specially made in Turkey. I keep it in my jewellery box where it is safe now. I tell him what I’m up to every day. Xxx
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Phill, Good I have a friend like that I hope you can meet up again.
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I wear my husbands ring on my middle finger it was his engagement ring he never took it off i feel as if a little bit of him is always with me.
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That is very nice.xxx
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Oh well done Debsie - I still have Mary’s to copy across and send by post, and I must do that soon. I’ve got my partnership one to do as well, then mine and Mary’s again for the year ended April 2025! Yuk!
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Lizzy - isn’t that just typical. And yes, face in the way is not a good idea! Ah well weedkiller will do the same.
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Phil, I bet that was a lovely catch up. I’m finding that gradually, talking about the memories gives me more laughter and less tears. I’d have to cut my wedding ring off - I’ve hardly ever taken it off in 36 years. I’ve a 'Mizpah@ ring on my right hand and on my right little finger a ring of Mary’s from some time ago and her mother’s wedding ring. Mary’s rings are far too small to even fit my little finger so I have one on my neck chain. I can’t believe how many times I play with that every day.
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Georgi, thanks, I had a lovely lunch and stayed for 5 hours!. We raised a glass to toast your birthday, and all absent friends - and everyone here! Today was the birthday of my very best friend, and who was my daughter’s ex father in law (and my eldest grandson’s other grandfather). Sadly not with us now.
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Nightwish, Mary was on 100% piped oxygen both before and after her stroke, and had still been struggling to breathe. That wasn’t sustainable and we had to make the decision to agree to the reduction of oxygen concentration and to start the use of intravenous morphine. I have had times when I felt guilty as you did, but there was no way Mary could have continued like that. We’d talked about how she felt about living after a stroke many times before, and she’d always said she wouldn’t want to go on if it meant having personal care provision. She also said she couldn’t see any life quality remaining if she wasn’t able to do anything she enjoyed. She was 100% anti any form of assisted dying as that went totally against her faith and I had to come to terms with whether what we agreed to went against her beliefs or not. We all agreed it didn’t but it was a tough call. You and I had to make a decision for the best for our wives. I think we did that, knowing it was with love and how hard it would be for us remaining behind. Much love. xxx
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Thank you. That means a lot to me. They said her heart had stopped at lest twice in the ambulance and once in the hospital and i don’t know when i was giving her cpr. So with the cancer and her heart stopping and they were battling with her when i got to the hospital to keep her alive. Then i saw the tudes and the machine keeping her heart going. They did not know what Sue would be like. So they said it would br for the best. So i said let her go. At least i got to sit with her and play her favourite song on headphones on to her one to me. Thank you again.
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I must have need the sleep
All awake now xxxx
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Nightwish, If it is any consolation, from what you say, your Sue was in a far worse place medically than my Mary. Mary had asthma and COPD but nothing such as cancer, and no heart issues either. In hospital she had oxygen, medications for the infection and pain relief. We originally thought she just had a bad chest infection which she had had many times previously! How wrong we were, It was the hardest decision my children and I have ever had to take. I hope they never have to make such a decision for me, or anyone else, in the future. I shall talk with them about what to do for me in the future.
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Hazel died of double pneumonia and sepsis, but also had liver disease. She was on oxygen and sedation, but her heart gave out with strain and i had to take the decision to turn off the respiration. Horrible thing to have to do and though our eldest son was there to back me up, I felt an awful sense of guilt.
She died quietly in my arms shortly after. 
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Firstly, happy birthday Georgie sorry, I’m slow to the party.
Thank you for all your thoughts. Today was definitely one of the hardest days ever but still not a patch on the 29th of March last year.
It is interesting on a day where everyone’s talking about how guilty they feel that, that was one thing at least, which the inquest took away from me. I told them about missing the stroke the morning that he left Papworth hospital and the coroner made it clear to me that it did not have an impact on what happened to him later on. Although he still ended up in the hospital where I didn’t want him.
I also discovered today that it made no difference or whether I said do not resuscitate or gave them permission because they made that decision anyway and the hospital protocols are that the doctors can make that decision. So now I don’t need to feel guilty that no one listen to me because the truth is no one listened to me!
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Happy Birthday. Mate. Have a good one.lol and hugs xx
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Ktg,
What a horrible day you have had , I’ve been thinking about you today. How do you feel?Maybe a stupid question. Are you still off work? You know you can chat to us, I’m so sorry you have had to go through this. I can only send hugs 
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