Two weeks of widowhood.

Losing a partner
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3 weeks and 3 days for me. I haven’t stopped cleaning and sorting, am numb and robotic. I don’t want to see or speak to anyone, but I call my friends and family to let them know I am okay. Eating very little. Lost a few pounds. Clenching my jaw, as I am now, is a signal to take an anti-anxiety med.

I used to walk into a room and forget what I was in there for, now I forget which room I am going to as I walk. Lots of turn arounds.

The reality of it all is truly overwhelming. Everyone wants to help, but no one can do what I have to do but me. Wah!

So far, I regret nothing that I tossed away even though some things were still useful for someone else. It is enough to do this without thinking of ‘recycling’ anything.

I recommend the same attitude when you start the sorting process. Be savage.

The sweetest two things happened at my husband’s funeral: my friends brought their newborn baby - the circle of life - and a love connection was made by two of the guests who met at the viewing and are happily and excitedly dating.

My husband is smiling that the children of 2 of his life-long friends are courting. I am too. It is a lovely result of an awful day.

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Funerals seem to take longer here. I had to wait 5 weeks for R’s.
Firstly I sorted things that were only fit to throw away. Then gave a few sentimental gifts to family and friends. The rest i have been packing to give to charity. R was quite a hoarder and a messy one at that. I have made space just by putting things away and in order. I always did the paperwork. I will eventually move. I have packed up and labelled items I will take with me. I have 4 dogs and it’s taken a while for them to realise they only have me now. I have been cooking for them, they have had feasts!! It was a good way of emptying freezers. I eat simply, but quite healthy. I have lost about 35 pounds. It was much needed. I eat less, move more. The “Brain Fog” had started to improve.
Love and hugs

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I hardly left the house in the early days and did only basic day to day things.
It’s 2 1/2 years now and there are still plenty of things I haven’t sorted through yet.

I too had a lot to sort out with my husband’s estate, which was quite complicated due to his own farmland, being part of the family farm business as well as having his own driving school business and him not having made a will.

I would say just make a list and if you can tick off one of the more burning issues each day you will be doing fabulously. It’s really only the official admin which matters now and looking after yourself is an important part of the 'must do’s.

Don’t let anyone tell you what you SHOULD be doing. It’s not their grief and how and when you deal with possessions is entirely your choice.

I have found that making friends from here has been a huge help, since talking to others going through this is so much easier. We share many things with each other, which we wouldn’t say to other people. We support each other through any difficult times and rejoice with each other about the steps we manage, which would seem trivial to others.

If any of you would like to get to know each other using the medium of Zoom, just let me know as I am setting up meetings for others who are maybe less far into this journey than me.
Either reply here, or on the Zoom chats post I have created or PM me.

Karen xxx

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mbg - I am so sorry you are suffering so much. I pray that I will not collapse into a puddle when the sorting is finished. You will stop crying one day, I promise. It’s only been 3 months, give yourself time. This can’t be rushed, there are nor words or pills to make it all better so slog on my dear and know that brighter days are ahead.

Peace.

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2 more bins of trash. My husband saved everything. Everything. His office is just awful. He wouldn’t let me clean in there because I might move something and he wouldn’t be able to find it. So, I didn’t for 12 years.

Four plastic totes in the closet packed with stuff and all of it just junk. Junk!

60 years ago when my husband was a teen of 15, his entire world disappeared in a hurricane. He became a “keeper” afterwards. I understand, but what a mess to sort through. Exhausting.

Last night I had a terrible case of night sweats. WTAF? Went to sleep much earlier than usual, with no sleep aid, woke late and soaking wet. Please don’t let this be a new norm.

Soon, it will be a month since my husband died. It seems like yesterday. It is so hard to believe that he is never coming back.

I hate everything about being a widow. I miss my husband. I miss our life. I miss my rock, my foundation, my beautiful, lovely man.

I want him back!

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I could have written this ! I am so sorry you are also experiencing this
Big hug x

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It is the worst feeling in the world! Sending hugs

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I agree worst feeling in world, please let me have old life back. Lots of hugs xxx

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Thanks for the hugs. Today, another friend came and scooped up some hunting and fishing gear. He also helped me sort trash from treasure in the shop. Another 2 bins of junk. Making headway. Although his visit did prevent me from finishing in the office. It’s okay. He is mourning too.

Found some very old news clippings and photos, so those are saved for his sister. She is also purging.

My urge to purge is affecting many of my friends who are also beginning to rid themselves of excess. I have a huge house and it is full only because we had the room to store it all. Terrible. I am too old to keep it. For whom?

It all seems so heavy. So very heavy.

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It is heavy and so difficult
Take care of yourself :people_hugging:x

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Stumpy, how are you holding up?

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Another day. I’ve done a lot of nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I woke, I fed the pets, I made coffee, I was already dressed because I slept in my clothes on the sofa, I opened mail which was all charities begging for money. I wonder if they read the obituaries and target the grieving.

In lieu of flowers, my husband requested donations be made to a children’s hospital to which he donated every quarter of the year. I get 2-3 forms for donations from that hospital everyday, even the ones in other states.

My insurance company sent my new card. Name misspelled, wrong date of birth, wrong city. Why? Is everyone just an idiot nowadays?

Had to stop purging as all the bins are full and will be until tomorrow. So, a day off to do a whole lot of nothing.

Maybe I will walk the dog until we are both exhausted. After I call the insurance company.

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@PeachesDixon Don’t call the insurance company today, do it tomorrow - if you feel like it. Walk the dog, read a book or magazine, meditate, have a whole day for yourself and ignore the post and phone. Jump in the car and drive. I did that over the 4 days of Easter, I saw nobody and cried as much as I wanted to. It was much needed, and then I thought “I don’t want to do that again”!
Switch off to recharge.

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Yes, took a 90 minute walk with the dog or let’s say, he pulls me down the street. But, the constant pace corrections are similar to working with those big rubber bands while walking fast.

I called and we’ll see. In my career and that of my husband, mistakes were not allowed. Ever.

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Hope the walk helped and that the insurance company do t make it more difficult.
Sending a hug x

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Gosh, today marks 4 weeks since my husband died.

I found my husband at 3:33p. Everyday, his watch alarm goes off at 3:33p. Odd?

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14 weeks today. It doesn’t get any easier.

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My wife passed away 20 days ago, like you I am lost, finding it hard to care about anything and having a reason to carry on, I tried sorting through her things and I felt utter dusgust for myself, like i was stealing everything that made my wife who she was, I put her things down and havnt touched them since, I havnt changed the bed because her side still carries her scent. I would be lying if I said I hadnt considered killing myself, my wife had cancer for a while and told me she wanted me to carry on and be happy when we talked about her death, it made me sad and angry then and it makes me sad now to think I promised to try and carry on, if not for that I wouldnt be here. They say time heals, it doesnt, it just hides the pain better. I miss her smiles, her touch on my hand I miss her strength and love.

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I’m so sorry…you don’t need to move anything yet.
If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.
N’s stuff has stayed for 10 months…tooth brush, shoes, clothes. It’s still his home.
I’ve tried a couple of times, I take stuff from the wardrobe and his clothes take me to past memories.
I did eventually wash the bedding, but I spray it with his aftershave sometimes.
This is your journey and you do, or don’t do, whatever you need to get through…
hugs

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Atrum, there are no rules and no timeline for anything. We each must decide for ourselves when it is time to sort through things. It is simply way too early for you.
Put it all back. You are not ready.

I picked out 15 polo shirts from my husband’s closet to go to the Homeless Mission.
Stacked them on the floor of the closet, walked out and haven’t been back. It is too, too, much. But, his office needed sorting because all the paperwork is there and it was just strewn about haphazardly. My husband knew where it was, but I didn’t. It took 6 days and 6 bins of junk and I can see and find what I need to access.

My sorting is self-preservation so I don’t miss a tax deadline or a renewal of a policy, etc. The music and studio things went to best friends who also play, I don’t. The fishing and hunting gear went to best friends who also hunt and fish, I don’t. These are good quality things that others can enjoy rather than gather dust and deteriorate here. Tools will go. I won’t be using them, but someone else will.
Clothes and personal items - not touching for a while.

Didn’t change sheets until after the funeral and only because my niece and a friend were here and one of them had to sleep with me. But, guess what? It is okay to wash them, it really is okay. Like the poster above stated, you can spray a little of her perfume on her pillow. Please, you deserve fresh sheets. Be kind to yourself.

Stop the suicide thoughts. You will survive this and you will have a life again. It is painful as hell, but the pain will subside and you will find peace and acceptance. Just not yet. Seek a professional counselor - please. Sooner, the better. And come here, we will chat with you.

My dearest friend of 35 years came to visit today. We haven’t seen each other since my husband’s funeral. I think she needed to see me and make sure I am okay. She and her husband are taking his death badly as well. It is a tough time for us all.

Reach out to your wife’s friend’s and family, they are grieving too. They will help you.

I am so sorry that you are suffering too. We all understand.

Peace

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