Marnee - I too ask St Anthony to help me find things. Once as soon as I asked I just felt compelled to look in another place and there it was. It doesn’t always work though. Also pray to St Jude, patron saint of lost causes.
I still write a journal to my husband. It makes me feel he is just somewhere else. Keeps me conected, and I have a photo by the bed to just have a few words morning and night. I feel he is still with me every minute of the day.
Debsie, strange you should mention St Jude! My wife was a professed Franciscan and had bought her Franciscan habit for her to be dressed in for her funeral. Just one problem, she hadn’t told me where she’d put it. I literally emptied every drawer and cupboard in the house and had resigned myself to having to find something pretty for her to wear. So after asking my wife to help me, and she’d often asked St Jude for help as well, I discovered I’d missed just one shelf in a wardrobe. But that was full of her handbags (she had a LOT) and there’s no way her funeral habit would be with the handbags, now would it? But I’d been drawn to there, and I dutifully checked the shelf, and there were lots of bags but not much else, except a plastic bag of material at the very last corner left to check. I actually let out a yell, of “omg, I’ve only found it” when, on opening the bag it wasn’t just material, but the habit, the knotted rope belt and a Tau Cross worn by Franciscans. To be honest I could have cursed her from here to kingdom come I’d spent so much time searching - but at least I do now know where everything is in the house. She wore it for her funeral, with just a simple all in one “body” and without shoes, so St Francis style I guess, and she did look so lovely and peaceful in it. And without being told, somehow the priests knew she was wearing it as they referred to it in in the Homily!
What a strange world! M
St. Anthony! He always helps find lost things. When I can’t find something I repeat “Jesus lost, Jesus found” as when Mary could not find the young Jesus in the crowd, but located him teaching the priests.
I think of things at night that I will do the next day and get pumped up to do them, then when I wake and don’t have the energy or desire to do any of it. I feel so OLD now as if I have aged 10 years since my husband died.
All of the momentum I had has come to a crashing halt.
My big day will be more succession paperwork. I don’t know why I keep putting it off, but I do. So stupid! If it was finished most of my worries would be over. Also, typing up a new will for myself and MAYBE a trip to the gym for a short session and a hydro massage.
St. Jude, please help this lost cause!
Sometimes, I wish we had gone together and left this for someone else to sort, but that is being ungrateful to God for my own life.
So sorry for your loss, its a very tough time those early weeks, I don’t remember much about them now , other than crying a lot and not being in the present when family were around me!
You have come to the right place, everyone on here will help you through the grief journey, they have been a great help to me!
It helps talking to people who are going through the same, I hope it can help you you too, take care and sending a hug to you xxx
Yes Peaches motivation goes with our husbands/wives who have departed, no idea when or if that motivation will return, last yr when I lost my husband I lost weight and went down to a size 10, I had been a 14 for many years but now with the lack of motivation and no energy Ive crept back up again 12-14, I need to move my butt and get active again but easier said than done xxx
I had no option but to be active today had my 2 youngest grandsons today (7&18months) for a couple of hrs while my son went to the gym, fair to say I am shattered now xxx
Mjfoo Thanks for your reply, I have tried to find support groups near me but there is a real lack of anything in West Yorkshire, especially around Wakefield. Your Aunt’s group sounds amazing. I’ll keep looking and hopefully find something as good
Katy7 you are right I lost my mum & dad within 2 yrs of each other and of course I grieved for them and missed them greatly, but losing my husband in May 2023 is on another level I have never felt pain like it, and see no end to it ! We were married 47 years and you simply cannot move on from that, its like living in limbo now until its your turn to go and its just soul destroying xxx
Debsie I was very much a girl and woman who would try anything, Ive always done the wallpapering, I have done tiling and even coving in the past, changing a plug is the only electrical thing I would do, electrics scare me, always have! I will give most things a go ! You don’t know until you try xxx
The problem I’m having is my alexa in living room cannot access my contacts & tells me go to the app and contacts then add my contacts but I cannot find ‘contacts’ on the alexa app, frustrating I gave up and have come to my bed !
See if I can find it 2moro !
The contacts bit is a little group of people at the top of the screen. Took me a while to find it.
It’s so hard ! Sorting out bills , finances was tough but I got there , as good his clothes , leave them as long as you want to ?? My husband passed away on 23/10 and I haven’t unpacked his hospital bag yet feels so final
Membership - Wakefield & District this is the link for university of the 3rd age, my MIL joined the cornwall group when she retired xx
nic1969, I am so sorry that your husband died. It is just horrific, isn’t it? There is no rush to unpack that bag. You are doing very well if you are sorting the bills and finances, it is so complicated all of a sudden. Every thing we do is hard.
My husband died on September 24 and I started purging things from my house, thought that his clothes should be gone through, but I haven’t gotten there. Some went to a charity that is taking needed things to the people of North Carolina who were left homeless after a horrible flood, then I just closed the closet door and stay out of there.
For now, just feed yourself and all living things in the house, pay the bills, sleep when you can, rest, and do only the necessary things such as grocery shop and shower. Everything else can wait.
Take each day hour by hour, make a list of 5 things to “get done” each day, do them, mark them off the list and you will have a physical reminder that you are, in fact, moving forward. This is all just a shit show. But, we will make it. We will. We have no choice.
Lean on friends and family, let them help in whatever way they can. They want to help and will be happy to do what you need done.
The succession paperwork is giving me distress. I’ve procrastinated, but have completed some of it. No courts will be open until after the New Year and no judges will be around until week after next, so I will be ready by then. Taxes scare me as I have never done them even once in nearly 26 years as my husband was the finance person. We pay quarterly and I am lost as to how to “estimate” what I owe.
So scared to mess up and get penalized by our awful Internal Revenue Service. Our CPA just won’t help, won’t even call me back when he says he will. This man has done our taxes for our entire marriage and for decades before for my husband. One would think he would be kind and humor me in my ignorance and grief.
My husband’s wallet is sitting on the counter, still with money and cards in it,. next to his glasses, pill boxes, and car keys. I can’t move them. His night stand is as he left it, can’t touch that either. But, I went through his office like a tornado to find all the paperwork I needed and had to call in a shredder truck to get rid of all the ancient and useless papers he kept. Getting rid of useless junk is easy. Now, down to the stuff that is not junk and it is hard to part with it. But, I will.
You will be okay. Just not yet. Baby steps.
Much love
Georgi, I once painted the exterior of my brick house and well as the entire interior by myself. I built my own furniture with my own power tools. I was bold. But, electricity? No way. Terrified of it.
I don’t want to be bold anymore. I’ve been bold. I want easy, calm, and someone else to take care of these things. Seems they all want to retire from each job, the prices are so over the top.
So glad I am not a drinker. I would have been a drunken mess for the last 3 months.
It is what it is. And, I hate what it is.
Thanks for your response, I bought a memory box and have his jewellery, driving licence, passport etc in it , gives me peace of mind , taking each day as it comes x
Wow Peaches that was great and so helpful! I guess “succession” is similar to “inheritance” in the UK but your system seems complicated. I just have to honour the will requirements and check if any inheritance tax is due which is not really difficult and in my case it isn’t payable. So essentially everything gets transferred into my name as per the will. If there’s enough value to her estate after funeral costs, then debts get paid. Not much they can do if there’s not enough as I’m not personally responsible for that. They can’t touch my house as that became wholly mine automatically as it was jointly owned. Takes a while due to admin of course but pretty straightforward. Most people don’t normally have to file tax returns or estimate income/tax etc as it’s all deducted by the employer. A return is needed for my wife to make sure she hadn’t paid too much tax! She probably has!
Thanks for all your helpful info and advice. M
Well that was my youngest dropped off at the station this morning. House to myself again. It is nice having people here but you then feel it when they are gone. I do have a large list of jobs I need to do so I’m back to keeping busy. It was my sons birthday yesterday so we had a family meal out, just me and my 3 sons. It was nice just being us for once, of course one main member missing.
Had a lot of disturbing dreams. A baby stopping breathing but we get her breathing again. Spiral stairs on a bus that is so tight I struggle to get down. (stairs are always in my dreams). And a letter that needs to be posted but I don’t trust the person I’m following. No surprise that I am getting anxiety dreams.
Its a nice day today. Need to make the most of it because the next two days forcast is not good. Had a walk around the nature reserve. Spoke to lots of random strangers. Used the phrase ‘my late husband’ THAT didn’t feel right at all. I took my husbands binoculars (or one of the 12 he owned) and went bird spotting. He was so good at spotting birds, I am terrible, but I did see Tufted Ducks, Goosanders and Goldeneyes. Feel strange today. Like I’m in limbo. Just drifting. But I am not crying so thats good. Time to start ticking off some of these jobs on my list, just lacking motivation. Maybe a nap instead.
Hi Debsie, glad you had a nice time with your family. I had mine last night, I was exhausted, I made too many starters, I went crazy. I enjoy cooking, I was glad my daughter helped out as I needed three pairs of eyes and hands. They all enjoyed it. It was great with all the grandchildren in the house. I knew it would happen when they all left, that sinking feeling that you are on your own again. I didn’t have any dreams last night but woke up with a drenching night sweat which worries me as that’s a symptom of the cancer I have. Hopefully it was a one off . Not been feeling great all day, I have a lot of allergies, one being poultry, I had an egg this morning and I’m wondering if it was that. Make the most of the good weather, ours has been howling all night and has poured all day but wind has died down a bit. Not gone out at all today, it’s better for my mental health getting out my walk, just another tv day and book day. Not looking forward to tomorrow, it will be the first time in my 70 years being in the house alone. I guess I will have to cope but I hate it. My friends who lost their husbands a few years ago all go away for New Year, it sounds like a good idea, I might join them next year. I was even looking at solo holidays but they are really expensive, they look good though. Need a tea and biscuit then I might have a nap as well. Hope the rest of your day is good for you . Take care xxx🤗
Lizzy, so glad your family evening went well. We have to take the good moments where we can. I really enjoyed my walk and it looks like tomorrow morning might be ok to have another. It makes a huge difference to my mental health. Staying in drives me crazy, but I have a huge to do list. I treated myself to a bunch of flowers but I am feeling very weary now and feel this evening will be a struggle. I should have had a nap but I discovered something that needed doing today that I didn’t know about. I think 6pm is too early to go to bed. My tummy is playing up too. I have some mince pies that needed to be eaten up and it seems I have over indulged. I just don’t want to do anything and the tv is not holding my attention. I have lost my mojo, I will try and get through the next few hours. Hopefully my mood will improve tomorrow.
Good grief. I ordered 4 gift baskets for friends who live out of state. Two were delivered, two were lost in the ether. I have done the online chat 4 times and it took 4 hours trying to get these orders right and just yesterday was told that these items are no longer available. Grr. Then, this morning at 7:45 (5 hours sleep) I get a phone call from the call center in India and the woman could not have been more incompetent. I wrote a letter to the company which will go out today.
All I wanted was to send gift boxes with wine from a major company that only does gift boxes. How hard can it be? Very. It can’t be done.
Marnee, I live in a community property state which means that anything acquired during our marriage is 1/2 mine and 1/2 his. I must file with the court a document to open succession, an order to open it for the judge to sign, an affidavit of death, domicile and heirship signed by 2 people who knew my husband and can attest to his death, his domicile and that I am the spouse residing with him at the time of death, a document that lists all of our community assets and all of his separate assets with the values of each at the time of death, a document to be signed by the judge confirming me as the testamentary executrix, legatee and surviving spouse which allows me to change all accounts and deeds into my name only, a order of judgment and possession placing me in possession of said assets and then a recapitulation of the assets and amounts.
Trudging through the paperwork to locate the accounts and numbers is a nightmare and then all the typing/correcting, editing, etc. changes with each new discovery. I am an attorney, so I can do the paperwork, but I had secretaries when I practiced and am a hunt and peck typist unfamiliar with all the short cuts, etc. on the text document feature of my computer program so it is taking forever.
My husband was an independent associate so no deductions are taken from his checks or my widow pension checks. I have to file every 3 months an estimate on what I think I owe. If the correct amount is not paid in full or on time, I am penalized a % every day until it is complete.
But, to hire another lawyer to handle it all would cost 6% of the total amount of the estate and I am not giving anyone 6% of what we worked our whole lives to obtain when I can do it myself, albeit slowly. 6% in my pocket is better than in another’s.
Yes, I am frugal, may even cheap but that is why we remained debt free for our entire marriage and I like being debt free better than trinkets.
Debsie, good on you talking a bird watching walk. I would not know what I was looking at even with binoculars unless it is a sparrow, crow, egret, ibis, hawk, cardinal or blue jay. Those I know. There is a bald eagle family roosting a few streets away, but I haven’t seen them in person.
Lizzy, those night sweats are troublesome indeed. I have them sometimes as well. Menopause was 30 years ago, but here they are again. I refuse artificial hormones, my mother died of estrogen sensitive breast cancer so forget it, Doc., not doing it.
Happy you had a great time with family and you can send those leftover goodies right here to me. I really miss all the leftovers from holidays since I didn’t prepare the meals - no turkey, dressing, yams, mac and cheesed, mashed potatoes, turkey gravy, green bean casserole, oyster casserole, - nothing. Wah.
We are officially on death watch for my friend’s momma. The hospice nurse estimated 1-7 days yesterday. I just got off the phone with my friend and momma is doing the last rally. I didn’t want to burst her bubble by telling her that death is closer than 7 days. The rally happens a day or so before death, but I don’t want to be the one to tell her this. Let her enjoy the last conversations with her mom, it will come soon enough. She sounds frazzled and my brother and I will go visit this afternoon.
Momma may not know we are there or remember us in her confused state, but her daughters will.
I am determined to finish the paperwork today and work on the tax estimates tomorrow so I will be ready Thursday to do what needs to be done. I will be much more at peace when it is finished.
I bought a robot vacuum in January but couldn’t figure out how to make it work.
My friend got it going for me and wow! I use it daily and there are no more drifting balls of dog and cat hair or dragging a big vacuum around. My house is 3 stories, so I ordered another today for the third floor and if it works like the one I have on the 2nd floor, I will order another for the first floor as well. Vacuuming causes back pain and I don’t need that.
I count it as my Christmas gift from my Sweetheart.
Still polishing silver in spurts. I could take it to the silversmiths in town, but I am too frugal to spend that money on something I can do myself. Besides that $6-700.00 can be better spent on my nieces and nephews whom I spoil.
Time for a drag around the neighborhood with the maniac. It should clear my head and get rid of some of his energy which seems bottomless.
Much love to all.