Hello I’m new. Only just found the Sue Ryder forum. Lost my husband 3 weeks before Christmas. He was 58 and had battled cancer for 4 and a half years since first pandemic lockdown. I’ve also just lost my dad the previous year after a 4 year battle with cancer and am currently “losing” my mum who has dementia starting to progress more rapidly now. It’s a lot , I’m not going to lie. I’m having some really really bad days. Unfortunately I don’t own my home so I can’t take a laid back attitude to the finances and paperwork as I desperately need to buy a property for financial security. I’ve done the manic cleaning and the not sleeping bit but now I just have a scrambled head that can’t separate things out into ordered tasks so don’t feel I’m making a lot of progress but I know I need to. As for the physical possessions I could quite happily get a skip into the driveway and chuck the lot. I wish I could be bothered to sell things just on the basis of needing the money, but on a practical level I really don’t need the hassle. Has anyone else bothered to sell anything on? I don’t mean the really personal stuff. Thanks .
Hi starfish57. Welcome to this horrid club we are in. It seems that you have a had a very rough ride of late. I have learnt the value of a list. Only ever did a shopping list before but now I do loads. Never get as much done as I should and sometimes add more to the list then I tick off but it does help. I find I forget things a lot so if put in writing it reminds me.
My husband liked to hang onto things. He also liked a bargain and bought things he never used. I put quite a few things on vinted but nothing under £20 as I also hate the hassle. I’ve just started selling some things on eBay. Again the higher value stuff and the things I think we should have sold anyway. If I have doubts about parting with it I keep it. I can always sell it later. Again it is a lot of hassle but I tried to give myself a target of listing one thing a day. Lots and lots went to charity. I hate clutter so every thing that leaves the house makes me feel better. Its 3 month today for me and it still hard to be bothered. You are still in the early stages of grief. Do not make really big decisions until you are sure. Take your time to settle into this new life, its hard just surviving. Do not be too hard on yourself, the only person expecting you to be organised is you. I have a campervan & motorbike to sell. Both very setimental but have to be done because of value and cost of keeping them. Also not an easy thing to organise. I know I need to start looking into it but it is something I really don’t want to do so keep putting it off. I will get there eventually. Good luck
Thank you Lizzy for your kind words, birthdays are always hard but special ones a bit harder, especially as before he started chemo he said if it gives me to my 70th I will be happy, he passed 2 months after they stopped chemo !
I think you and I are stuck with these sleepless nts I’m afraid xx
I will need to get the milk Peaches suggested and give it a go!
Your lucky we have had the snow since the first I think it was and its not going anywhere in a hurry !
Got a phone call from a “friend” I met in a chat room 20 years ago. We emailed and chatted online for years and I called her when her beloved husband died and we cried together. We lost touch. But, she found me and called. We gabbed until 3am. It was nice, she has my same personality and opinions on many matters. It was nice.
While we chatted I cleaned the wood floors on the second floor. So nice to wake to a clean bathroom, kitchen, and flooring. Puppy prints are gone.
Yes, I know I should take the cat to my vet but she has never been to one and he will want to give her the whole check up and blood work routine - you know, the $1,000 exam - but she will still be elderly and blind and have to live inside. I give her 1/3 of a baby aspirin every 3 days which seems to help as she is not so stiff.
Georgi, I know you feel bad that you were unable to visit your husband’s grave on his birthday, but I assure you, he is not concerned about these Earthly things. Please do not feel as you have disappointed him, he is so happy in Heaven that he wonders why you are upset about such a thing. Besides, you don’t have to go there to visit him, he is with you always. Just talk to him where you are.
I am sleeping like normal now. 7-8 hours, sometimes I need an pill but mostly do not.
Grocery store, paperwork, laundry. It is hot and humid today. Sticky and icky.
Just for excitement I will go to a different grocery store. Don’t be jealous.
When I was young and broke, my dream was to be able to buy whatever I wanted at the grocer’s. I got there, but soon our diet restrictions wouldn’t allow most of those things. Now, I have no diet restrictions, but still can’t even get most of that because it ends up in the trash bin as I can’t consume it fast enough. Life.
Wish i knew how to post items on facebook marketplace, Ebay, etc. May be time to call in reinforcements - the nephews. So tech saavy.
Going to try to hire a helper who will come and assist with loading all this stuff up for the charity shops.
Two years ago I sorted my 97 year old aunt’s 3,000 square foot home of 50 years of “stuff” in order to move her into a 560 square foot senior living apartment. It was a painstaking process of sorting even the tiniest bits. Then a garage sale and then sold her house for her at a nice profit.
Now, I am sorting bits here. It truly is miserable and I need assistance.
Much love
Hi Starfish I am so sorry for your loss but glad you joined this site, hopefully you will gain a lot from it as I have, its really helped me!
The financial side of things can be draining, and sorting out paperwork etc but you will get there, and don’t be afraid to ask advice, others on this site have been there, done that and I’m sure will be happy to advise you, my thoughts are with you xxx
my husband passed away almost twelve weeks ago…he had a disability care as he had terminal cancer…i think of all the worst things at the beginning of this journey was when they came to take it back [after 2 weeks] and i had to empty all his little bits and bobs from it …when it drove away i was heartbroken xx
Peaches if only you lived in UK Im sure many on here would happily come help you, including me, I may be turning 68 in April but Im still capable of lifting and moving stuff I don’t let my age dictate what I can do physically even with arthritis in several places, when my husband was alive I used to walk a lot( on my own, he couldn’t walk at my speed and as he had leg & foot issues) but I haven’t been motivated since losing him , but I do nd to get back into it because the weight is piling on xx
Georgi, so much for me trying to go and get bread, I just don’t have the energy, I’ve slept most of the day, wakened up and wondered where the daylight had gone. It’s going to be a long night. I wish I’d kept some of my husbands pills. I’m not into taking pills, just the ones that I have to. I’m so fed up with not sleeping at the correct time of night. I will be up early with my notebook on hand in case the lawyer calls me early, they are 3 hours ahead of us. I just want this over with, dreading her telling me anything bad. Can’t deal with bad news at the moment. I’m even forcing myself to eat atm. And the worse thing is I’ve ran out of biscuits. I did make soup a few days ago so living of that without bread now. I just need a good sleep. We did have a few snowflakes falling earlier but it didn’t come to anything. I would just have a chat to your lovely husband in the house, he would probably be annoyed at you for going out in this weather. I kiss my husbands wedding ring every morning and night and tell him what’s been happening. I think I’ve got cabin fever today, I need to get out after this lawyer calls me, it’s starting to get me down again. Take care xxx
@burdoch
So sorry for your loss and that you find yourself here.
My husband had a hospital bed and they came for it within a few days. It meant his room downstairs was no longer his room … I sat on the floor in there afterwards and cried my eyes out… so I sympathise with just how hard that will have been for you.
There are lots of people here to support you, reach out whenever you need to.
Peaches, if I were you I’d get some assistance, Im so pleased you got in contact with your friend again. It’s certainly helps, I have a few friends that have said to meet them half way after New Year, just waiting for the weather to get better and I will do it. I’ve been managing to sell things on a Vinted site, my 11 year old grandson has helped me out lol. I’m getting better at it. The hardest thing I’ve sold is his Barbour jacket, it was so sad parcelling it up as he loved that jacket. Our charity shops don’t have any room for clothes so it was a good way to clear some of the better things as they sold straight away. We don’t really have garage sales over here so selling stuff is a good way to get rid of them. You are starting to do too much again, slow down or get some help in, we don’t want you getting ill, we need your wonderful advice, you uplift us. Take care xxx
Burdock, I am so sorry for your loss. They are so quick at taking things back, not so quick to give us them. You would think they would at least let you keep it for at least a month as there is such a lot to do at the beginning. I was gobsmacked when I registered the death, at the touch of a keypad, everything stopped, his pension, blue badge etc. they leave you with nothing. So heartless, I know how it must have felt. Welcome to our little group, they have been a lifeline for me. I’m 13 weeks in now, it’s still so hard. Take care xx🤗
thanks for replying lizzy…yes its so hard…some days i feel not too bad and then something as daft as one of his hats or or a little item we have on display as he collected allsorts sets me off again…sending love xxx
Thank you Debsie. Yes I do lists but don’t always make great progress. If I was in my own home I would rela more and take my time but I’m all too well aware that I have extra urgency as the rent won’t pay itself forever ! I agree that anything under £20 is not worth the selling hassle. My son sold one of the cars for me . That was certainly a load off so if you know someone you trust who is more geared up for motor vehicle sales maybe lean on them a bit…not saying they have to do the sale but their advice might be useful. People do like to feel useful. How many times have people said to you already " if there’s anything I can do ?" Maybe now’s the time. Good luck with it. Yes it’s a horrible club. But I’m glad I’ve found you guys because I’ve gone from almost no support to a useful resource of people who know exactly what I’m going through. Everything is so unnecessarily complex I find and you’re expected to be able to do it all…at the worst possible time !!
It was good you both got to celebrate your 70th xx I mustve been asleep around 04.30 I think, it sure is draining, I did venture out today went Lidls but they didnt have lactose free whole milk, will maybe try Morrisons 2moro and if not will have to venture further ! Those 2 are only 5 mins from my home xx
Peaches, selling on eBay is pretty straightforward, as it guides you through pretty much everything, but of course the young ones are just so tech savvy now aren’t they? Personally I’d keep away from Facebook marketplace as there are too many scammers on there, without the seller protection you have through eBay.
I’ve a similar job to do - lots of clothes and shoes. Didn’t realise quite how many jeans, tops and shoes Mary had. I guess us men don’t have all the fashion things to worry about so much! And I need to clear my stuff too - for the kids. Just started on the first item today, a brand new coat, and there’s a long way to go.
Hope it all works out for you. Much love M xxx
Lizzy I talk to him all the time and I know thats more important than physically visiting the grave, I got a florist to make up 2 grave pots with artificial flowers and they are huge but gorgeous so his stone didn’t look bare over the winter with the weather keeping us away but I really wanted to go on his birthday thats the only reason Im so disappointed !
I hope you get this situation with the house abroad sorted soon its draining when these things drag on, fingers crossed 
burdoch, I sympathise, as but for wife’s car going in to have bodywork repairs two days before she died, I’d have been doing the same. But now I have a box of things marked “car bits” that I’ll have to sort through. DVLA are being as slow as can be - must chase then tomorrow so as to be able to put the car on the market,
So sorry for your loss, those early weeks are really hard xx
I felt the same as you when they took away the hospital bed within days of him passing, and the nurse also came to collect all their bits, its so hard so I understand how you feel and everyone on here will be the same and offer you support, believe me it does help to talk to others going through the same as yourself x
Thinking of you at this sad time and hope you will feel this site does help as I do now xxx
The wheels of these places grind so slowly xxx
Georgi, lidls never have the lactose free whole milk. Tesco definitely have it as that’s where I get it. I’m lactose intolerant, I’m ok with the semi skimmed but I don’t take a lot of milk so tend to stick to whole milk to keep my calories up. I don’t have a Morrisons near me so not sure about them. I take a lactase tablet if I can’t get the milk. Costa used to have that milk but stopped it so I have to pop a pill in and hope for the best. I hope the weather gets better and you can visit the graveside very soon. Thinking of you, sending hugs 