To amanda i met my wife when were both 16 we were married 49 years she passed last march after 36 years post heart transplant she suffered the last 2 years due to complications from her immune symptoms from her medication unfortunately we never had a family heart disease was rife in her family i know she.is now free from pain and suffering thats what keeps me focused i firmly believe that we will be reunited in.a better world than this one take.care
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When I Go
Don’t learn to live without me, just learn to live with my love, in a different way.
And if you need to see me, close your eyes, or look in your shadow when the sun shines, I’m there.
Sit with me in the quiet and you will know, I did not leave.
There is no leaving when a soul is blended with another.
When I go, don’t learn to live without me, just learn to look for me, in the moments.
I will be there.
By Donna Ashworth
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I was told that every time I think of him or speak of him he knows it.
I had been concerned I was crying for my loss rather than the fact he lost his life and it made me feel selfish like I was feeling sorry for myself rather than for him. Being told my grief is sacred has been beneficial to me as I don’t feel like that anymore. I am acknowledging my feelings when they arise now.
It must be very comforting to you to feel he is close by.
I had a weird dream recently where I was at home with my husband after his funeral. We were discussing his death and I was asking him if this is how it is for everyone going through the loss of a loved one that they are still in the room together.
It seemed so real.
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Welcome Alstcy
Donna Ashworth is great. Words for healing and words for crying.
I struggle to feel my husband with me and then I feel guilty. In 41 weeks, I only ever had him in my dreams once. I’ve waited for him hoped for him but he’s never come.
I feel sad for me and I feel terrible terrible pity for him. I heard the scores of his beloved West Ham pinging on his phone the other day and it broke my heart that that was carrying on without him.
All the things we shared, all the moments we had,he’s not there, all gone to dust.
I as m so sad That my daughter will have her 18th birthday in five weeks time and for all these years she’s dreamed of that evening and what her step-dad might have said. She always thought of him as her real father. I liked it when someone else said on here said in a post that there were no step in their family. My two children were so close to my husband, which was a wonderful thing as his three daughters were not talking to him.
Realised two things today when I was talking with my counsellor firstly I feel disassociated from my own cancer and secondly although I’m dealing with things on a practical level I have so so far to go as far as his death is cont. And my biggest fears are going to be getting through the inquest.
We didn’t exchange contracts today but should be tomorrow. Leaving this lovely place where we lived together is going to hurt me badly. Normally people are joyful when they move house. I know there are new exciting things to come but I don’t want them at the moment, I don’t want them at all.
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Not so bad then losing out on that one 
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Donna Ashworth poems always bring a tear to my eyes, they are so meaningful xx
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Our tv, cell phones, landline, internet are all in my husband’s name. I spent 3 hours on the phone just trying to change my cell phone bill into my name and to cancel my husband’s phone.
Just a horror show. All this new technology, but try to change it and it is like the stone age.
Finally - all the silverware is polished. Now I know why no one buys it anymore. I took down a Christmas tree and all the decorations on the second floor living area. Made it to the pharmacy, the grocery store, fed these animals, fed myself, showered and did my hair, emptied the dishwasher and cleaned the kitchen. Spoke to 2 friends on the phone. Exhausted.
There aren’t enough hours in the day where I have the energy or desire to do another dang thing. I see it, I know I need to do it, but too stinking tired to do it. Everywhere I look, in every direction are tons of things that need doing. I just want it all done, so I can rest without anxiety of all this “must do, need to do” hanging over me like the Sword of Damaclese. (however it is spelled). Most likely it is because I forgot to take my meds.
Tonight, I want to cry from frustration that it is taking so long to have normalcy again. I don’t mean lack of grief, just the absence of stuff that needs to be done by me. It just never ends. Never. When do we get a break? Don’t we deserve one?
If my husband appeared to me tonight, I might sock him in the nose for leaving all this shyte for me to handle alone.
It will be more hours to cancel the million tv channels. Minutes to sign up, a lifetime to get out of the subscriptions. Some stupid “opt out” feature to keep me from getting cell calls to sell me stuff, but to opt out they want my social security number.
Right, no. Not having it. I hate this so much. Everyone is trying to sell us stuff we don’t want. If I want it- I’ll call you, that is how it works!
Grinding my teeth. Time for a chill pill. I have had it! I am done!
If I have to mop my pantry of cat urine, pick up poop and wash nasty towels one more time, I may just off her myself. She has ruined the finish on the tile. Why did she have to pick my husband of all the people who live around us? We’ve never named her, but today I did. Beetlejuice.
I am so tired of taking care of sick animals and sick people. So done with a capital D!
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I have been spared 98% of the paperwork. The only bill in R’s name was an Amazon Prime account that expires on the 28th of this month. He owned half of a property with me. Our main home has always been in my name only, the same for another property. There wasn’t any urgency gaining access to his bank account, he was a spender, not a saver. It has taken months to sort out his hoard of everything!! Tools, clothes, you name it, he bought it!! I am left living alone in a very large, very cold house. No way would he have managed alone. He was a kind, gentle fabulous person, who never completed a project or chore. I loved him dearly. I have lost all motivation and have had this awful virus. Living alone and looking after my legacy, 4 dogs, has drained me. I look after them first, 2 have been neutered this week. My living room is on the middle floor, I have had to carry them up and down stairs and be their nurse. I feed myself and eat quite well. I have lost nearly 50 pounds. It was much needed. I should have had a hip replacement this year, I have no one to help me with recovery, so that is on indefinite hold. All of the above is bearable, but goodness me I miss my silly lovely man xx
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Mbg, I am so sorry that you need a hip replacement but can’t have it because there is no one to tend to you when you get home. Were I near, I would come.
My husband left a bit of hoard behind too. I’ve sorted a lot, but there is so much more to be done. Tools, clothes, things, things, things. And, like you, my husband could never have done this had it be me first.
Been at it all for 3 months and still living in a mess. I, too, am alone in a big house and I have piles of sorted things ready to go, just waiting on the people who say they want this stuff. Apparently they don’t feel the urgency. I am tired of the piles and walking around it all. I want my house back in order with everything in its place and the excess a memory. People tell me to call in professional organizers. Oh, please. All I need is someone in my house rummaging through my life.
So sorry you have a virus.
I tended to sick and elderly loved ones for 15 years now and am just drained. I still tend to a 97 year old aunt and since my husband died in September, I can’t get myself motivated to take the drive to see her or do anything but order her grocery delivery each week. No, I don’t want to gather her up and take her shopping or to visit her sister who lives a short drive from her. It is always an all day event and it takes a whole day to recover. Drive an hour, park, walk to her building, up the elevator, down the hall, gather her and her things, get her down to the 1st floor, retrieve the car, bring it to her at the entrance, get her in the car, her walker in the trunk, drive to wherever, get out the walker, set it up, get her out of the car and situated, go park the car, walk back to her, help her do her shopping, back to the entrance, find place for her to sit, go get the car, gather her and the walker, drive her to the next place and repeat. She always has 3 - 4 places she wants to go. Then back to her building, up the elevator with her, down the hall to her apartment and then to the car to get her things and make that trip again, then put her things away and drive an hour home. The whole next day I am useless from exhaustion.
It makes me feel guilty that I haven’t done anything for her in all these weeks, but I haven’t got it in me.
FFS there are 4 perfectly healthy adult family member all younger than me, who live within a 10 minute drive but it all falls to me. Why? Someone needs to pick up the slack here. Poor thing had to go to the hospital for a few days with a UTI and none of them could gather her up to take her home so the hospital sent her home in an Uber.
I mean come on people!
Just in a foul mood and feeling overwhelmed. Tired of everyone telling me what to do and how to do it but no one lifts a finger. When I practiced law I would say “oh everyone has an idea, no one has a pencil”.
This mood must fade away. I don’t like being a sour puss.
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Peaches you are not alone being in a bad mood. I am too. I’m blaming the January blues. Its very cold here. Been awake since 5.30am. Really did not want to get out of bed but wanted a cup of tea. No one to bring me a cuppa in bed anymore. Feeling sorry for myself today.
I really miss having some one to take care of me. Had a really bad stomach ache yesterday. Ended up taking a shed load of pain killers and any other tablets I thought would help. If they didn’t work it would not be worth gojng to A&E with them being overwhelmed with flu cases. Luckily they did and I am much more improved today.
I don’t think I have anything inside me to give to anyone. I plan to get a couple of cats. My son is pushing me but he doesn’t understand, I really don’t have it in me to take on anything at the moment. Still in bed with my cuppa, trying to pluck up the energy to get on with my day.
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Asters
I feel the same.
When we got together we both realised we made the whole although hadn’t realised there had been something missing prior to getting together.
Now that he has gone I too have lost part of me.
Not a cliche! He was my other half.
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Debsie, for the first time ever I woke up at 7.30, wow I couldn’t believe it. I miss my cuppa getting brought to me, hubby only needed a few hours sleep a night so always welcomed me with some tea and toast. I’ve been keeping coal on the fire every night for a week now as it’s so cold, it’s been -5 all week now, at least the living room cosy. Switched on the heating as well as rest of house so cold. Once I’ve cleaned out the ash etc it’s good for most of the day, don’t know how I’d cope without it. Looks even colder outside, worried my car is going to die when it thaws out. Looks like another day stuck in, it’s like an ice rink outside. I’d stay in bed Debsie, I got up as my 11 year old grandson FaceTimes me at 8.05 every morning to check I’m ok, he is so lovely and tells me he loves me. He is walking to school and it’s like a scene from Frozen outside. He is the only person that I actually speak to every day. I get texts from my daughter and friends but no real contact with anyone. Stay cosy and safe Debsie. Xxx🤗
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So sorry that you ladies are struggling and feeling down this morning. Especially when you are normally so strong and positive. So glad you were able to vent on here though, as I think it’s good to vent our frustrations, and there are always good listeners here. I know that because you’ve listened to my ramblings!
Minus 4 here in Kent too! But at least the sun is shining. I’m sure our own situations, along with the cold weather and being January doesn’t help us feel bright and positive.
I’m also living in a mess at the moment, with nowhere to actually put things whilst I sort them out. We always put things we are taking to our second home in France, on the spare bed, ready for packing, and we were due to travel the day Mary died. But in addition to that there’s bags of stuff for charity that Mary had started to fill, bedding that hadn’t been put away, because she’d been unwell and ironing that I’ve brought upstairs for the time being - mostly Mary’s clothes and bedding. So I don’t know what is meant to go where, UK or France! I’ve managed to keep my lounge straight, but the dining room and two bedrooms are full of things I’m sorting - boxes and papers everywhere. I was known as the ‘hoarder’ in our family but at least that is all only in my office and sheds, not every room as things are now. I don’t normally buy things without careful consideration but I do struggle to throw things away - ‘I might need that someday’! Well, 40+ years later, those things are still where they were put and have never been used, so I do need to be ruthless now. But I’m glad I did keep boxes for Mary’s sewing machines, as they’ll be much easier to sell with all the packaging intact. She had 6 different sewing, embroidery and overlocking machines and two knitting machines in the UK plus another three sewing machines and overlockers in France!
I don’t know how Mary would have coped with clearing all my things, so, once I’ve got the house straight and have some space, I’ll be starting on clearing my own stuff. Now knowing how hard it is, I can’t bear to think of my children having to sort all my things. So, hopefully for a short term pain, there’ll be a long term gain - and maybe even some cash in the bank too!
I really hope your day gets better today - It’s so difficult to do much when you have no inclination to do anything. I realised this morning I’d even only had one cup of coffee all day yesterday when I’d normally have at least eight. (Black and decaf, so not too bad for my health). Just couldn’t be bothered to make any more I guess. That means I’ve not had enough fluids so must drink more today!
Big hugs to you all. 
M xxx
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Peaches, you are doing great you are a lovely person, just need to slow down, it will all get done eventually. It’s so frustrating getting names changed. I was about 2 hours getting the Ring Doorbell changed to my name as the subscription was about to run out. I had to switch my iPad on, my phone and hubbys iPad on. The young guy was very patient but we couldnt get his email address changed to mine. I was wishing I’d just let it go and started it again when it ran out. I’m doing that with his Prime subscription which ends next week. I really need that, I would be lost without free deliveries as I order everything from it, even food. I have a cupboard full of tins of tomatoes as I buy them by the carton lol. This was my husband that usually did this if he read that there was a shortage of them. I still have 2 full boxes of paper tissues, think there are 24 boxes in the pack. I won’t need tissues for a year. He went through about one very few days, I certainly won’t be short of food, maybe I will make a pomodoro sauce with pasta tonight. My sister phoned me a few days ago to say she knows someone that will buy a few chainsaws off me, I had to finally go into the man cave garage, took ages to find them, then I saw them covered with sawdust, he has four of them, honestly I’ve no idea if they all work , I cleaned all the sawdust off them and sent my sister a picture of them. No idea how much they are worth. Think I will say buy one get one free. But hey the guy didn’t show up or couldn’t find me. It sounded like he needed one quickly as well. Bummer, waste of my effort going into the man cave. If it was warmer I’d go and start sweeping up all the sawdust that’s lying everywhere. If there is mice in there they will be cosy. There are jumpers, jackets, and tons of stuff lying about. Will need quite a few bin bags before I can see what’s underneath it all. There must be a million different types of nails and screws all in about five large cabinets. Why did he keep buying them I’ve no idea, he was obsessed with buying more. I couldn’t believe it when I saw them all. He would sit in there and sort them all out. Why??? This is a job for springtime, way too cold just now. Once I clean the larger tools and find out what they are called I will try and sell them. It’s just so sad, he loved being in there. Again if I saw him again I might punch him in the nose as well leaving me with all this stuff to sort out, I do keep telling him to sort his daughter out. Wonder what today will bring. Waiting on new documents to be sent to me from the lawyer. Then I will need to find a Notory Public to do his bit before it goes to the Foreign Commonwealth office to get Apostilled. It’s never ending. I can’t get out just now and need about 4 passport pictures as well. My daughter says just download the app and do it yourself, yea yea, can you image doing that yourself. Wish Amazon would send someone to do that lol. That’s a bus journey if I’m brave enough to get out. Hope you have a good day Peaches, make some “you” time for yourself and just relax. Xx
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Lizzy my husbands garage is very much as your describe your man cave. Like you I cannot face it in this weather. There is at least 6 part used car wax products, I can’t see me ever waxing a car. Tins & tins of screws and nails. If I use anything from the garage I put it to one side - as thing I use. Once I get his motorbike sold I will have room to reorganise and sort but its definitely for the warmer weather. I wish I lived nearer as I could do with one of those chainsaws.
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Marnee, I honestly think it’s the weather as well getting us down, I went crazy at the beginning and cleared a lot of clothes out, mine and his. Sold stuff on Vinted and I’m glad I did as I can’t get motivated anymore. Like you we bought things in the sales to take to our apartment abroad, I had an air fryer to take over this year as they were very expensive to buy there. I usually took new bedding over every year as well. I have booked a hotel to go over in April with my daughter, I can’t face going back to stay in it, my husband loved his home there and wanted to move but I didn’t, I had cancer and I couldn’t do it, then he was diagnosed with cancer, it was a no go. Ive been so stressed with all the paperwork involved in getting the name changed on the deeds before I can sell it, lock stock and barrel. All the gadgets we have taken over, bedding everything. It’s all so sad but we had a lovely time there and I find it’s time to move on now, do different things in my life. I will visit as I have made good friends there. In fact my Lawyer offered to buy it but it was too low and I said no, he came back with another offer and to be honest it’s still lower than I had wanted but I’m tempted to let him have it as it’s all a headache but I’m not letting it go till I get personal stuff out, at least I know I will get it all done for me and will get the money for it. It’s all too much to think about but I think I am going to say yes to him. I might regret it but I don’t know how long it would take to sell, then all the legal stuff . I can’t move on till all this stuff is done with. I admire you keeping your house in France, I can’t even go and stay in it, it would make me so sad. I’m hoping to get personal stuff out quickly and enjoy five days relaxing in the hotel. That’s the plan, but will it all go smoothly, time will tell. Take care Marnee xxx
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I have a brother, he has been in a nursing home for 2 years now. Prior to that I did everything for him. He has been my responsibility since 1986, even before that, our parents had both passed. I have 6 other siblings who have done absolutely nothing for him. Their only interest is “what about his money” some had not seen him for decades, yet only live a few miles away. Over the years I have helped out many nieces and nephews. I even had them live with me, even a new born. All they do is criticise and tittle tattle. I want nothing to do with them. My brother is extremely hard work. He is autistic and as stubborn as a mule. Thankfully his every need is catered for and he is happy where he lives. I can’t look after anyone else. I need help and have not been offered any. I will get it done. If i sent a message to come and go through R’s things they would be here in an instant.
Xx
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Peaches I know what you mean about phone companies, I had so much hassle with our mobile phone company, I went into the shop spent ages trying to explain, it took2 visits to the shop and umpteen phone calls , wks later I finally got the call to say it was sorted, I promptly took my phone number and went with another provider! Wouldn’t care we had been with them for many years ! At least I kept my phone number took me yrs to memorise so no way was I getting a new one
Peaches you need to have a chill day, you have been doing too much and have earned a rest day xxx
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We had a holiday cabin the the Lake District. We decided to sell last year and use the money for adventures. We only sold it in August - so glad we did. It saved me an awful lot of hassle. At least I don’t have the guilt of selling it.
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Lizzy, yes you’re right, this cold wet weather is not nice. I’ve also just heard on TV that not being sufficiently hydrated can cause us to have bad moods, and make us feel down, so maybe that’s also part of it?
Mary always brought the bed linen home and washed and ironed it here, to take back next time. She also took a ton of sewing to do as well as all her clothes each time. I travelled light with most things already there - just took things that were cheaper here, like you with your air fryer.
It’s going to be very strange going next month for the first time since Mary died, especially as I’ve decided to travel on the anniversary of our first date! I don’t want to spend that day in either house really so will turn the volume up on my music and enjoy the drive! It will also cover Valentine’s day! We’d discussed what we’d do when one of us died - Mary would have sold up but I know how much my family love coming there every year, so I’m going to keep it as long as I can. My two girls have booked holidays in France for this summer, and one is staying in our house for 10 days with her family. My other one is staying in a B&B just down the road. I just couldn’t let them down as the house is my daughter’s ‘Happy place’. I hope it still will be for her. I’d have happily moved there, but there was no way Mary would have moved, unless our 4 children did the same. I’m not thinking of moving now - as my children would all be devastated, unless they did all do that too. But I can’t see that happening anyway, so regular trips it is for me! My first ‘job’ when I get there will be to light Mary’s log burner, (she was known as ‘pyro Mary’) and then have a large glass of red wine in a toast to her. I have stayed there on my own quite a bit over the years as Mary wouldn’t go around religious festivals due to her singing in the choir and to her faith. I know it’ll be sad and different this time, but she’ll be wishing me well and will be there in spirit.
I can understand about what price you want, but a bird in the hand…? Also you can do without the hassle of selling it elsewhere - from a distance - and as long as it’s a reasonable price I’d say go for it.
Would you actually get more if you hold out? Possibly but possibly not. I hope moving out your personal stuff isn’t too difficult for you?
Much love and good luck M xxx
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