Two weeks of widowhood.

Losing a partner
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I made it to a hairdresser the day before the funeral. If not for friends, I would not have done so. They found her and even came with me to the appointment. Then, they sent a make-up artist the morning of the funeral.

I felt awful, but I looked good, which gave me some confidence and I could stand straight. New suit, new shoes, hair, make-up, mani-ped - all made me feel “ready” to face anything. Like armor for battle.

Do your hair, your nails, your make-up. Put on your best outfit, shoes, and jewelry. Try it all on now to make sure everything fits well and you are confident. Looking your best to honor your loved one is a duty, really. Make him proud.

Woke this day at 5am on the sofa to the sound of my dog retching. RAN down the stairs to turn off the alarm and let him out. Too late. UGH!

My desk is under the microscope today as well as steam cleaning the carpeting on both sets of stairs. I may even get the rugs done. My housebroken dog pee’d in every room, starting when the police and ambulance arrived and didn’t stop until my out-of-town guests left after the funeral. It probably stinks, but I am nose blind to it.

Nothing about widowhood is right.

Much love.

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122

Omg, what a way to start the day. Maybe the dog sensed that something was going on. My friend who is coming to see me the day before the funeral was a hairdresser, I might ask her to give my hair a wee trim. I will get my nails and makeup on that day and hope that I have done him proud with the ceremony I have chosen for him as long as I can stay strong. If I hear one sniff though that will be me gone. I really hope I can cope. I need to stay focused that day, I don’t want to let him down. Xx

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Lizzy - you are going to cry no matter how strong you try to be. Friends and family will approach you with tears in their eyes and you will find yourself comforting them. So odd.

My husband’ s funeral had everything he wanted, or at least what he expressed to me over the years. I know I did right by him. It was a beautiful send off, albeit heartbreaking. I ugly cried, no one cared.

Going on 5 weeks since he died. Surreal. Numb. Empty. Sad. But, no tears. No weeping. If I think too far into the future without him, I won’t survive, so I think only one hour at a time. Pushing the sorrow away or I will crash and I do not have such a luxury of weeping in bed all day.

You will make it. I promise.

Much love.

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124

Thank you for replying, it’s good to be able to chat. Everyone has been so kind, I’ve had flowers from someone I went to school with and that was many years ago, I chat online to friends but not many phone calls or face to face with anyone, only had two visitors to the house and that was my daughter. I know it will get easier but it’s not coming quick enough for me xx

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I find comfort from reading all your comments. We are all singing from the same sheet. It’s 3 weeks since my husband died. My son was hosting several talks at Comic con today. Another son drove me there to see him and a third son met us there. I knew it wasn’t something my husband would have wanted to go to. Also no chance of seeing anyone who might ask ‘how are you’. I felt I had escaped from my torment for a few hours. Feel much calmer tonight. I have learnt however that this grief is a roller coaster. Sometimes you feel you are coping then suddenly you feel overwhelmed with sadness. But just for now I’ll take the peace.

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I agree with everything you said. It is a roller coaster,I had a brandy from that bottle my husband sent me the day he died. I found myself talking to him (only had a small glass)
I know he would not be happy with the way I am atm. I started cheering up a wee bit watching the voice then one of the songs hit a sensitive note with me and I cried my eyes out. I’m ok again, Got my pj’s on, my pillow and blanket on the couch,I should be grateful I am well and living but sometimes it’s so hard. Stay strong, as I am trying so hard to do. :hugs:xx

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For some reason today i really struggled, my best friend came round when i was mid cry, he waited then dragged me out to the pub, only had 2 quiet ones and a good talk but i needed to just get out of the house and my head, the weekends alone are bad,take care xx

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I cannot get out of this rut. I can’t stop the tears :cry:

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I’m fed up of these feelings so did something positive,i cleaned and cleared the kitchen cupboards and drawers,then went on find my past as you can access the newspapers free this weekend,oh boy i have had a ball,the things i have found out about my family makes me laugh,their not the goody two shoes like they think they are.

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Altrum, I am so happy you got out of the house for a while. It did you good. I am glad you have such a friend. We all need good friends now.

Lizzy, it is not going to come back for a while. Just accept it for what it is, shock and grief. No one expects you to snap back to the old you. The old you is gone. We have all gotten an entirely new life that we didn’t choose. Just treading water is okay. Do the Rule of 5s.

Debsie - I know your boys were glad you went to something that interests them. Good on you, Mom! I am so happy that you are calmer from the outing. Well done!

Mbg - If you are still sobbing in 90 days, then see a therapist. Crying is normal, we are human with strong and often overwhelming emotions. Cry, splash your face with cool water, drench your eyes in cool water, and put a cold wet cloth over your eyes and nose as you recline. It helps with swelling of the sinuses, which requires mouth breathing, and the red eyes and swollen lids. Drink plenty of water to flush those salty tears so they don’t burn your face and put a light layer of Vaseline on your face to protect your skin from the salt.

And cry until you stop. You will stop. You will. It will be alright. It will.

Stumpy - it’s the maniacal cleaning. I did it too after my husband’s funeral. Still have things on the list and doing them. Steam cleaned the carpeting on 2 sets of stairs. Well, there are 6 left, but I ran out of desire when my back said “stop!”. It is a diversion from reality, and it works.

I took a long walk with my rascal today. Walked with the sun on our backs. Tuesdays jaunt was too much western sun and my face broke out. 90 minutes. 3 times this week. I don’t want to eat. I got mail I do not understand from one of my husband’s financial advisors. I think the lady I screamed “don’t call me any more!” was from my insurance company, but I was in a bad way and could not understand her thick foreign accent and thought she was trying to sell me Medicare coverage. I feel like a jerk, but seriously can we just have some people who speak English clearly doing this job of “communication”?

Just grumpy as “all get out” tonight. Probably because I missed me meds.

Much love to you all. May our tomorrow be better than today.

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I sort of slept last night,today i went to clean the front windows and put clean nets up,son had to help as i couldn’t reach,but it’s done,tomorrow going to attempt to clean living room carpet which will be fun.Trying to get some normality back in my life.

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Good for you Stumpy! Baby steps is the way to go. Don’t you feel proud of yourself for getting that done?

My husband’s office is ready for me to set up our combined filing system on Monday as I make telephone calls. What an ordeal this was.

Keep on trucking, Baby! That is what we used to say in the early '70’s.

Much love.

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That was good to try and get some normality back, I spent mine cleaning and clearing out my wardrobe a bit and making a gingerbread, I was doing really well till I started washing the dishes and had no hot water or heating :face_with_raised_eyebrow:. These are very trying times, pushing me to the limit. Xx

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Lizzy, what happened? Is it your furnace? Indeed, these are trying times. I hope your heat returns soon.

Tomorrow, the workers will arrive to start prepping the exterior of my house for painting and repairing rotted wood. I haven’t selected colors yet. This isn’t something that can wait as it will only get worse and cause even more damage. We planned this before my husband died. So, here we go.

I don’t know if I am coming or going. Anxiety is at an all time high. Tonight, no matter what, I will sleep in bed and not on the sofa. With no television - a book instead.

More sorting and organizing. My desk is nearly cleared. I dusted stuff.

Several paper grocer’s bags full of pantry food for my nieces and nephews and their families. So much food that will never get eaten by me in years. Some I had to throw away as it was too past the “best by” date. Sacrilege - throwing away food. I felt shame hoarding food and only stocked up because friends keep telling me that chit is going to go down and food will be scarce. So tired of fear mongering. Is that happening in the UK?

Made the decision to let 2 carpet sweepers go after a round about with them. Quite useless. Think I need a new fire hydrant. Do they expire? Washed the dog. Took a shower - sort of. Constant headache. Grinding teeth. Watered some potted outdoor plants - we’ve had no rain for a while. Everyone got fed. Did a load of laundry. Only run the dishwasher every 3 days or so. No baskets of dirty clothes or towels. Removed the cat from living in the pantry and it is freeing. Taking my house back.
This is how my brain functions now - scattered thoughts all day. Every waking moment.

So dang tired. I think the dog learned a new trick - make retching noise and mom will jump up awake. Nothing there but lots of gakking at 5am. Tricky little smarty pants.

Much love.

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I guess it’s what the next stage is, clearing and cleaning. I had a surprise visitor yesterday which uplifted me as I never get visitors just turning up. My grandson, the dog and my daughter, couldn’t have come at a better time. She said she is bringing me to her house for dinner and her partner will bring me home later. Also when I did get home he went into the loft and fixed my heating,the pressure had dropped and he adjusted it, phew what a relief. I am terrified going up the ladder to try and get into loft but I think it’s the coming down that scares me most. It’s the next thing I have to learn to do as there are things up there I may need. Another night in the couch, I really need to do somthing about that, I maybe have to try buying new bedding, or something. That is my next goal. I have to hand a picture into funeral parlour today, I hope this is the last time I have to step foot in the place, 2 days till the funeral now, the nerves are kicking in big style. Take care xx

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We are thinking of you today… Try to see the love for you both surrounds you. Don’t worry if you still feel numb. It’s your body helping you get through. When people express condolences, I had a stock phrase of “Thank you, I appreciate that” I didn’t have to think about it then.

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The cremains and death certificates are ready. Tomorrow. My SIL said she would come with me, but has an already scheduled event. Toying with the idea of going alone.

No workers today. Accountant did not return my call.

I am overwhelmed and understaffed around here.

Slept in bed last night, didn’t need a pill.

I meant fire extinguisher. Not hydrant. My poor brain.

Two 13 gallon small garbage bags of old paper work out of my desk. Now to move all the “keep” papers downstairs. Already moved all the books to the built-in shelves in the guest room, they can be sorted later. The room is rarely used.

Pretty sure I have to call Social Security Administration as I believe that I can now collect my husband’s payments which are more than mine. Maybe. I don’t know how this works. Another thing to do that I only thought of today.

As if my head weren’t already spinning as I crawl through the fog.

I hope our tomorrow is better than our today.

Much love.

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All the paperwork is horrendous is really horrible, when yo speak to these people on the phone and they read this script from their computer tell you they are so so sorry for your loss, I grit my teeth and feel like telling them to cut to the chase and get on with it. I’ve filled in so many forms no I don’t know what I’ve done. It’s the energy company that is giving me grief, I only want to change it into my name, what’s so hard about that, I don’t want a massive bill to pay, I might need to call them again. I wish somone would take all this off me, it’s such an ordeal. I had to rush and get another copy of my marriage certificate as I already sent mine away already and the DWP wanted a copy asap. I just want to see at the end of the day how much I have to live off, it’s worrying me sick. Take care xx

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I find the issue with the mail you get in your spouses name, you know you have to open it and deal with it but it still feels wrong opening it and emotional reading their name on it.

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Hi Lizzy,its so unfair , as if you have not got enough to deal with.
Yes, the obligatory apologies, when they dont mean a word of it.
I have been there , though you feel like pulling your hair out, all the paperwork will get sorted in time, believe me . Sending you love, :heart: at this most awful time.
Thank goodness , we have this wonderful forum to express all our feelings , and only us going through it, know what it is really like. :heart:

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